Can't do wrong or right

[SoFrustratedWithItAll]

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. There is a lot of history that I don't really want to go into. However yesterday I joined the gym as they had a great offer on, no contract etc. I'd been speaking to my DH about this for a while now, and a few weeks ago said that I would be joining the early part of March. Anyway I got home yesterday and told DH that I had signed up and you'd have thought I'd never run it past him.

On and on he went, first because it was £5 more than what I'd said it should be (it includes swimming for the kids that will more than make up for it), then because I hadn't spoken to him about it - I had...around a week ago at most. Then because with our eldest DD's hobby we are spending £60 a month now on 'leisure activities' as he put it.

The gym is for my health, I am very over weight (about 4 stone) and suffer from anxiety and depression, which although I manage quiet well now, feel this will hep even more. I also suffer from an disordered eating, which have an physical outlet will help me with (sorry for all the detail)

We still have a large amount of our monthly income going into savings, so are in no way struggling. DH feels that every bit of money that is not being spent on a necessity should be being saved for a house. I feel that if we did that we would have no fun or quality of life. It also doesn't help that DH has no interest in hobbies or friends or anything that isn't work and being at home.

I just feel at a loss over this. I've discussed it with him, he agreed to it, and yet when I actually do it, he causes a massive fight over it...and I feel like crap.

Adding to this, I am off work ill this morning, and DH seems to have wanted to continue the fight. He first asked if I felt able to get the kids ready (he never gets them ready), then when I am proceeding to do so, he starts telling me to get the younger one ready, while getting cross at our eldest. This includes raising his voice and pulling her slippers etc. off instead of him asking her twice to do it herself.

He then claims that he would have done it himself, and that he never asked me to get them ready, which to be honest is bullshit. I'm left dealing with two confused crying children, while he has a go at me... I refuse to get dragged in to it in front of the kids, and then he's all nice as pie 10 mins later.

He's out doing the school run now, and tbh I'm dreading him coming home and wish I was well enough to go into work to get out of is way.

I'm just so sick of no matter what I do, he'll take issue with it if it's not what he wants, or done his way.

So when you´re away for work are you gonna ring or Skype every evening so you can see/speak with the kids? This may give you some piece of mind at least. You clearly can´t be there all the time and I know you have to just hope for the best, otherwise you literally would never go anywhere. PLaying right into his hands!

Could you not arrange for your mam to go around one evening for a cpl hrs? Does she know about your concerns re his treatment of the kids? It could be with the pretense of giving him a hand but she´d be seeing how they´re doing and making sure all is well.

Has he had them on his own before for any length of time?

I think this just illustrates the dire state of your relationship doesn´t it? You can´t even go away for a cpl of days on business without worrying how he´s gonna be treating the kids! I´m going away for 4 days soon and I know my 4yr old will have lovely Daddy Time. It´s something those of us without abusive husbands take for granted though.

No my mum can't go round...If I even tried to arrange it he'd say he felt like I can't trust him, I hate him etc...He never accepts any help...plus he questions how well my mum can look after kids (she's great with them).

I will be ringing/skyping the eldest each night....though I'm sure I'll hear how awful she's been from him...and she'll be crying... that's what happened last time she was off school ill and he stayed at home with her when I rang at lunchtime...

He's never had them longer than a day....and even that he moans about... (though denies he does)...

I feel really shit today...keep thinking I've failed my kids...I've ended up giving them a dad whose abusive just in different ways to mine...and while.I can escape him via separating. ..they'll still have to see him and can't escape his crap :(

I understand, OP, but getting away from him will already be saying something positive to your children and hopefully he won't go for more than EOW, meanwhile you will be able to help your oldest.

But your children will always have the safety of your home to retreat to. That will give them a safe place they don't have right now. Dint underestimate that.

If you were to shout and scream at him for how he is treating your kids how would he react? I feel so so sorry for them after hearing how he treats them, especially your oldest.

He'd either cry as nd sct all remorseful or it'd turn into a massive fight.

I asked him last night what the hell he's doing making such threats to our eldest...apparently I should know he'd never actually do that, and I know how he feels about the kids. He couldn't grasp it would seem that even if he never followed through with it, that saying stuff like that is unacceptable. How the hell does he think that is going to help 'sort out our eldest's behaviour '...

I've also tried to explain that her behaviour is typical for her age. ...but no..He thinks her behaviour is horrendous. .. she's going through tantrums when things don't go her way, when she's tiered etc and will lash out physically and verbally. She's 5 and at times can't control her emotions. But obviously DH thinks that telling her that her bahviours makes us not want anything to do with her, threatening to put her outside in the garden, telling her she's vile etc will help...wtaf?

Looked at the benefits calculator yesterday...having a second look today and trying to work out if it's enough. Is there a tool that would work out maintenance payments?

I'm sorry but I don't think that is normal behaviour for a five year old. I think her living situation is having a serious effect on her.

Not that I'm condoning his behaviour- he isn't parenting his children well, and when he accuses you of not trusting him I'd be telling him the truth- which is damn right you don't trust him because his disciplining of his children is plain wrong!

Hi So when do you go away on business? I would also guess it´s the treatment by your OH plus the general atmosphere that she´s exposed to, the stress, the things she´s overhearing, witnessing etc which are effecting your daughter´s behaviour. Obv I can´t know this for certain but it´s very probable, plus how can it not have an effect? Kids are all eyes and ears at this age during their formative years.

She may well be acting out cos she´s stressed and unhappy. Possible regression with the toileting situation too? Kids need to be in a calm, positive, caring environment where they feel secure. I´m no child psychologist but I can tell you my 4yr old picks up on so many things it´s scary, esp if me and OH have had an argument or I´m in a huff with him and the atmosphere is shit. She totally gets effected. She acts up, attention seeking through negative behaviours, lots of ¨Mammy´s angry¨, ¨Mammy´s sad¨, ¨Daddy´s in a bad mood¨ etc etc.

Luckily we´re wise to it and very rarely argue but if I raise my voice she doesn´t like it. She´s even started saying to me ¨I don´t like you!¨ so it´s a wake up call for me tbh. If I feel my temper rising I go in another room. I´m the disciplinarian and he´s the chilled out dad that only sees her for 1.5hrs once he´s in from work. So I´m really conscious about how my behaviour and what I say ( like no swearing/shouting ) to her effects her.

It´s all about self-awareness and it sounds like your OH hasn´t got much! I´ve even apologised to my daughter if I´ve lost my rag and yelled at her ( usually when we´re running round in the morning getting ready for school and she´s suddenly forgotten how to dress herself! ) cos I think it´s important to recognise when we´re in the wrong as adults and demonstrate how to be sorry, it´s mutual respect blah blah, just leading by example really.

Has your OH ever apologised to her for losing his temper and upsetting her? Even little kids need respect and need it demonstrated. My poor daughter even used to have bad dreams about me so I´ve totally had to change my behaviour cos I´m aware how much of an influence I have on her and how damaging it can be to behave inappropriately. I have a short fuse but I´m now much more self-aware and have better coping strategies now, cos it can be bloody stressful obv but it´s always the adult´s responsibility to control their behaviour. The little critters are aware of everything honestly!

But the worst threat I´ve ever given my daughter is if she doesn´t behave she will go to bed. That´s always works plus it´s something you can reasonably follow through with if she continues to be naughty.

Oh and telling a child that they´re ¨vile¨ and then expecting her to behave like an angel is just fucked up on every level, and ironically vile in itself! He needs to be demonstrating through his actions what is appropriate behaviour and how we should treat people. He can´t exactly treat her with such disdain and insult her like that and then wonder why she´s acting up. Has he never seen Super Nanny??

You can´t bully a child into submission or bully them into acting how you want or you´re gonna end up with a very damaged child/adult in the future. The only reasonable threat you should make is one you´re prepared to follow through with like, being put in Time Out, Naughty Step/chair, being put to bed, a favourite toy being taken off them or something of that type. But threatening her with the withdrawal of her parents´ love/affection is hugely unreasonable and potentially damaging.

He has apologised before. ..but it's rare. I'm no Saint. ..I've lost me temper at her before, however I instantly feel awful and apologise... its the way that he couldn't grasp why it's wrong to threaten stuff like the garden, or speak to her like rubbish that has really bothered me.... His family are the same...so I can see where he's got it from...

She hasn't regressed with her toilet, she was desperate, had asked to go and he hadn't taken her. Tbh him and her don't get on well really, (sometimes they do), he complains she'll do stuff for me, or want me and not him...but that's because of how he is towards her and also he's never bothered to build a relationship with her by plating with her, having her on his own etc. He won't for example play barbies with her as he says it makes him feel stupid...

They are exactly my points moomin and then he wonders why I won't present a united front with him...

Looked at finances, and it looks promising. So that's a relief. Guess the next step is WA. Ill also have to look at housing as I can't stay where I am, it way out of my budget on my own.

Well done finding out practical stuff and research. Good result . Keep us posted, lass. You´re doing really well btw!

When do you go away for work?

Well I´m 40yrs old today so off to eat in a bit ( rude not to! )and go for a family Thai meal later with . The gym can happen tomorrow

Happy International Women´s Day to us all Here´s to being strong, fearless, kick-ass women who are grateful for the sacrifices of women gone before, whose courage and sacrifices gave us the liberties we now enjoy today!

Thank you moomin, each small step at a time. It's scary as hell, but I'll do it for my girls so they never go through it.

I go away tomorrow! I'm excited bit anxious at the same time.

Enjoy your cake and birthday :) I went to the gym last night and had the weights part added in...I thought I was dying at one point

Brilliant OP. You've just got to separate, if not for you, for your girls.

Yes there is a tool called the child maintenance calculator, should come up on Google straight away.

Thanks Are you gonna speak with WA whilst you´re away? It´s a good opportunity to make some headway without him around, monitoring your movements.

Maybe the hotel you´ll be staying at will have a small gym!

Yes I plan to moomin

Spending the night packing tonight, I bet I forget something lol

Just popping on to say I'm away on my work trip now. Felt so guilty leaving my girls, however things seem to be going good...even had some reassuring, not over the top either texts. ..

Plans are going ahead a few small steps at a time. Looking at what places I could rent near my daughters school. Feel that if he throws a wobbly and threatens to leave before I make the move, I'm in an ok place to call his bluff - which to me I feel is massive progress.

My younger sister is going to be my regular gym buddy and she's given me the strength to almost leave before, so I'm feeling positive about that. My mum doesn't look like she'll now be coming, but she isn't as supporive as my younger sister. Don't get me wrong, she'd support me to the moon and back if I told her I was leaving him, however she would also tell me to think very carefully about what I want etc (maybe that's because she doesn't know the full extant of it, is used to minimisingu dad's behaviour?).

Anyway going to enjoy the peace now!

Well done. use the trip to get things unwound in your head and to relax a bit, then you can go back refreshed and deal with everything.

Call WA and have a good talk with them.

You're taking huge strides. Well done!

That's great so! It's also a bonus indeed that you've got your sis to rely on and for support. Yes progress indeed. Let him throw a wobbler and you know you can call his bluff and not fall apart, maintaining control of the situation as opposed to handing it over to him, like in the past.

You're master of your own destiny, you don't need to be trapped by him any longer. You're strong and self-reliant. Just believe you can do it and you will.

How are you doing OP? Hope your time away went well

Hay,

Sorry not replied for ages. I've been lovely and ill :(

DH has turned on the charm offensive since I've ben back from my time away with work...and there have been days I've doubted myself and wondered if it's me, if he wants to change...

However we've had family over today for an egg hunt. ..and when his parents where leaving he called our eldest a little turd for not saying goodbye in an 'effort to make her speak'...but hay I'm supposed to be over it now as he's said sorry. ..

I saw a family today while driving where the eldest boy was messing around on his scooter...got horribly sad as I knew DH would tell.ours off for not using their toys properly... All anxious writing this as our eldest is thumping around in my bedroom...and I know if DH hears he'll be mad at me and her...