Can't do wrong or right

[SoFrustratedWithItAll]

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. There is a lot of history that I don't really want to go into. However yesterday I joined the gym as they had a great offer on, no contract etc. I'd been speaking to my DH about this for a while now, and a few weeks ago said that I would be joining the early part of March. Anyway I got home yesterday and told DH that I had signed up and you'd have thought I'd never run it past him.

On and on he went, first because it was £5 more than what I'd said it should be (it includes swimming for the kids that will more than make up for it), then because I hadn't spoken to him about it - I had...around a week ago at most. Then because with our eldest DD's hobby we are spending £60 a month now on 'leisure activities' as he put it.

The gym is for my health, I am very over weight (about 4 stone) and suffer from anxiety and depression, which although I manage quiet well now, feel this will hep even more. I also suffer from an disordered eating, which have an physical outlet will help me with (sorry for all the detail)

We still have a large amount of our monthly income going into savings, so are in no way struggling. DH feels that every bit of money that is not being spent on a necessity should be being saved for a house. I feel that if we did that we would have no fun or quality of life. It also doesn't help that DH has no interest in hobbies or friends or anything that isn't work and being at home.

I just feel at a loss over this. I've discussed it with him, he agreed to it, and yet when I actually do it, he causes a massive fight over it...and I feel like crap.

Adding to this, I am off work ill this morning, and DH seems to have wanted to continue the fight. He first asked if I felt able to get the kids ready (he never gets them ready), then when I am proceeding to do so, he starts telling me to get the younger one ready, while getting cross at our eldest. This includes raising his voice and pulling her slippers etc. off instead of him asking her twice to do it herself.

He then claims that he would have done it himself, and that he never asked me to get them ready, which to be honest is bullshit. I'm left dealing with two confused crying children, while he has a go at me... I refuse to get dragged in to it in front of the kids, and then he's all nice as pie 10 mins later.

He's out doing the school run now, and tbh I'm dreading him coming home and wish I was well enough to go into work to get out of is way.

I'm just so sick of no matter what I do, he'll take issue with it if it's not what he wants, or done his way.

I'll definitely be playing sabotage bingo dusters that and predicting his behaviour, which I'm very good at it would seem! It quite validating to predicts his be miserable about x and blame it on y, and to be right!

oh and apparently he understand me going to the gym now, after he yet again asked why and I said the magic words of 'because I need to loose weight, I'm now a size x'. So obviously me just wanting to isn't enough, there has to be a reason he understands...crazy.

Oh when I was listing the reasons straight after signing up when he was having his massive strop a few nights ago, one of my reasons was mental health - too which he replied 'ffs, how many more things are you going to need then for that?' (I got a dog to help my anxiety a few years ago, plus I love dogs and always said I'd have my own when I was an adult)...just remembered now...imagine trying to quantify and then resenting stuff to help your wife's mental health...

That's really bloody low. As you say, most men would do anything to support their wife's mental health. It just shows there's nothing he won't seize upon to use against you. Well, the jokes on him, because you've worked out the one thing you really need - to see the imprint of his arse on your foot as you kick him out.

What do you think he would do if you started questioning his behaviours ? Make him tell you why he keeps doing certain things, like questioning you all the time ?

Grrrr why do they have to question everything and no every little detail? Eldest just called for me, I deal with her
I then get quizzed when I come back down on what she wanted (a drink), then where did I get one for her from etc...its relentless and so tiring

He hates it if I start questioning him. Think I'm in a mood, being passive aggressive etc or he'll plain ignoree.

An example is I call him for dinner and I get no response. After calling another few times still being ignored I go to tell him face to face. I then get told that he's ducking heard me and is coming...but hay he's apparently not swearing at me...just swearing in general.

Oh and if I don't go get him then he acts like I've maliciously not told him...

Oh and he also lies about things for example like bumping out eldest. She'll then tell me that daddy hurt her by bumping into her etc to which he'll claim she's over reacting, her never touched her, she's trying to make us fight etc....even when I've seen him bump her...

Do you mean deliberately bumping into your daughter then denying it, that's downright weird ? With every post he just seems like an absolute nightmare.

What a horrid man. So he's started on the children already? You're getting sorted just in time! Well done.

Hope you continue to enjoy the gym; exercise is a well known mood-lifter, and great for mh and keeping you happy. He will try hard to make you give up, so keep those clear lenses on and see through his tricks.

Good luck.

No deliberately I don't think no...but more he'll deny any wrong doing ever...and this is another facet of it. However my father would deliberately do stuff like that and deny it, so it instantly puts me in defensive mum mode when it happens, and stresses me out no end when I leave him with them. He says I'm over reacting because of my father (again)

He's also will tell the kiss off for accidents, tell them off for stuff he hasn't seen them do, but that he's assumed they have done due to previous telling offs... I can't stand it to be honest, but then he tells me that's because I'm too controlling and don't allow him to deal with the kids

He started with the children in a sense when the eldest was a baby jux. He used to shout at me to make her shut the fuck up when shed cry in the nights for feeds and teething (so a few months old). I wish I'd left then tbh...

Even now if our eldest has a night terror, and I let her come in our bed, he'll loudly ask 'why the duck I'm letting her in our bed, he won't be able to sleep, she'll want to be back in tomorrow night' etc :(

Oh and of course he denies ever doing that, when pushed he'll then claim he doesn't remember, he didn't mean it in a nasty way and so on.

It would have been a lot easier to leave when the eldest was still little. But then I only have myself to blame for not leaving sooner. I wish I could go back and shake myself. ..

Sorry for the dreadful grammar and spelling btw! I'm on my phone and typing quick most times!

Don't blame yourself for not leaving before. It's so easy in those early days to believe that it's due to exhaustion/it's just taking a while to get used to being a parent and to believe that it will get better.

Meanwhile you get used to it, to an extent, the behaviour becomes normalised, and then before you know it, years have passed and it hasn't got better, and your eyes begin to open to how bad it really is. And you won't realise how bad it really is until you've been out of it for a while, and are beginning to find yourself again, and the children are relaxed and happy and you suddenly notice that they were never really like that before....

Keep moving forward. Keep your cards close to your chest.

leave him. you will never win. you will never understand why. there is no rhyme or reason. you need to get you and your children away from him before it becomes the norm. I've been you. I put up and shut up and my ex destroyed me and my children. if I'd have had Mn then my story would have been a hell of a lot different. please I'm pleading with you get out now. sending you strength.

Yes you do need to get out for the kids´ wellbeing, even more than your own. The impact it must be having on them in their formative years, the lessons they´re learning watching and absorbing their parents´ behaviour etc, what a crap atmosphere it must be to live in. But I know you know all this and are making steps towards freedom for you and the little ones.

He does seem the expert at minimizing and justifying his appalling behaviour doesn´t he? And the predictable default rationale of turning it around to be your fault for misinterpreting him due to your childhood/mental health issues! Erm...you´ve got Husband Issues more than anything, and your mental health can only improve hugely when you get rid of this poisonous thorn in your side, leaking his toxins into your psyche every bloody day with his obnoxious behaviour!

Anyone with half a brain knows that dealing with mental health issues requires an holistic approach. It´s not as simple as take a magic pill and all your problems disappear and you´re happy again. A pill won´t eradicate your bad childhood memories and the lasting effects for instance. They are, in fact, no better than a placebo except, unlike a placebo, you end up dependant on them with a shit load of unpleasant side effects into the bargain! Oh and of course pets are a known stress reliever and a pleasure to have too.

Much better to tackle things from all angles e.g, exercise, nutrition, relaxation ( improved sleep, meditiation ), spending time with friends and loved ones that bring us pleasure, doing activities which make us happy, spending time outdoors in nature etc etc...no pill will ever give us the benefits of all of these things combined. He should indeed be pro anything which will improve your wellbeing and overall health. But people like him don´t like change from the status quo. He wants you unhappy, vulnerable, dependant and compliant. He doesn´t want the best for you at all. He wants you to remain the same person that you were when you met, forever more. That impressionable, vulnerable teenager who was looking to escape a crappy and miserable childhood. You aren´t supposed to evolve as an adult woman, gaining knowledge and experience as you go through life, as far as he´s concerned. That would involve change and change unnerves him. It threatens the future and the balance of power shifts as you become more empowered.

No abusive man ever wants his wife to be empowered. It defeats the object of the exercise. Unless you play the victim he gets nothing out of the relationship.

OK enough Grasshopperesque talk, I´m putting the kettle on. Have a on me! This is what insomnia does to you.....lol

Thank you all. Getting ready for work now, but just wanted to male a note here before I forget. Eldest just went into the bathroom where DH is, and predicted he come out with a raised voice yelling her off etc. ..He then proceeds to ask me why our daughter did what she did and why she is behaving this way...(He does this whenever the dog or kids misbehave)

No moomin your right there. He hates change, even if it's positive change for himself, it really unsettles him.

I love going out for walks in the forest near us, however I'm not 'allowed' to if no one else is with me (doesn't have to be.him, going with my sister is good enough. ..) as apparently he's worried about me...

As expected a spanner was aimed at the cogs of going to the gym. We've got an inspection of our house tomorrow, so it needs a clean. I told him I can help clean tonight, I'll just go to the gym after....He suddenly went from happy to sullen and quiet!

And yes me getting out and doing stuff is always met with how it means we have less time together. It's suffocating....especially as he has no outside interests. It doesn't help that his whole family are welded at the hip.to their partners and view me as odd and downright neglectful to him for do wanting to do stuff without him/not cancel plans as he doesn't want to do them....

Well aren´t you the Maverick of the family? lol As if somebody wanting ¨Me Time¨ to pursue their own interests or just chill on their own is somehow abnormal!

He sounds a very angry man. Does he shout at the kids every day?? Worrying....

Hurray, another invisable ¨Up yours!¨ at Mr Grump and small win for you! The small wins all count and go towards bolstering your self-esteem/confidence. Not letting him govern what you do with your time or influence your mood goes a huge way to extricating yourself from his icy grip.

I´m actually expecting him to feign illness so he can´t look after the kids or something one time, some elaborate BS reason to stop you going to the gym anyway. Hopefully I´m wrong. Keep the momentum up.

Yeah that post I did yest re WA...I actually must confess I got mixed up btwn you and Hauntedchair on her thread. Although I suppose it´s still applicable to you mind. BUt there seems to be a lot of abusive men threads at the moment and I´m commenting on a few, and because the similarities are so great it´s easy to get mixed up and confuse threads. If you´ve read her thread ¨How to forget the bad things¨, then you´ll know what I mean.

I can´t remember if you said or mentioned reading ¨Why does he do that?¨, a book often recommended on here for women with abusive partners. But that´s certainly worth a read.

He's emotionally abusing your DC too you know. Pushing and denying it or telling them off for no reason is gaslighting them. You need to get them out of this environment

No problem moomin, it definitely seemed relevant for me to. I'll check out the thread also.

Yes definitely not going to miss the gym tonight. And no I won't put it past him to feign illness...I've suspected him of doing it before in the past...

He doesn't shout at the kids every day, and he can be great with them...

Amazing how he seems to keep forgetting I have the gym tonight... he's just sent me a text saying two of our series we like watching are on tonight...I'll be being really unreasonable when I still go to the gym, I bet money on it...

This guy sounds horrendous! I am in a similar situation, to an extent. Last night I told him I wanted a trial separation. This morning he packed his bag and after work is going to his sister's. He's still managing to pull the strings even while not here. But I feel lighter and more relaxed than I have in a long time. Now is the time he would normally be getting in, I'd be anxiously making sure the house was tidy enough, the dinner cooked, the kids in a good mood and ready to say hello to daddy nicely, I mean seriously, who actually does that. I did! But tonight I'm free! I've dropped my kids with a neighbour for an hour, I'm tidying because I want to, and there will be no tense miserable atmosphere tonight.
The freedom feels really good. Please go to the gym and enjoy it, and think over all the great advice on here.
All the best xxx

I should think prioritizing your health ( not to mention time away from him! ) would trump watching telly most days. But he´s thinking from a selfish standpoint of course! Mr Predictability strikes again!

Mamaka Thank God he agreed to the trial seperation. Now you get a taste of what freedom and normality ( your future life ) is like for the rest of us.

Enjoy your gym So More points to you! Who cares what he thinks eh? Nob.

Oh the old 'but I worry about you sooooooo much'. This is designed to stop you going anywhere, and it's worked to some extent. If you like walking in the woods, try going anyway. If necessary, tell him your sister's going too. You may feel a bit strange and unsure the first few times you go alone; that'll be the fear he's planted in your mind.

I stayed at home like that for a few years for the very same reason, and the first few times I went out alone in the evening was a bit scary. I kept telling myself that I used to wander about alone in central London at 3am and can look after myself, so a stroll along well lit busy roads in the suburbs at 8pm was really not a problem.

Yes jux I felt that the first few time going to work, walking with work mates or the gym! I got it tonight to about the gym...that he worries so much about me and not.to talk to any strange men

I'm so glad I stuck to my plans and went to the gym tonight! I feel so great :) I stay a bit longer than planned. ..which of course has led to anxiety about should I cut it short so DH doesn't 'worry'...