Can't do wrong or right

[SoFrustratedWithItAll]

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. There is a lot of history that I don't really want to go into. However yesterday I joined the gym as they had a great offer on, no contract etc. I'd been speaking to my DH about this for a while now, and a few weeks ago said that I would be joining the early part of March. Anyway I got home yesterday and told DH that I had signed up and you'd have thought I'd never run it past him.

On and on he went, first because it was £5 more than what I'd said it should be (it includes swimming for the kids that will more than make up for it), then because I hadn't spoken to him about it - I had...around a week ago at most. Then because with our eldest DD's hobby we are spending £60 a month now on 'leisure activities' as he put it.

The gym is for my health, I am very over weight (about 4 stone) and suffer from anxiety and depression, which although I manage quiet well now, feel this will hep even more. I also suffer from an disordered eating, which have an physical outlet will help me with (sorry for all the detail)

We still have a large amount of our monthly income going into savings, so are in no way struggling. DH feels that every bit of money that is not being spent on a necessity should be being saved for a house. I feel that if we did that we would have no fun or quality of life. It also doesn't help that DH has no interest in hobbies or friends or anything that isn't work and being at home.

I just feel at a loss over this. I've discussed it with him, he agreed to it, and yet when I actually do it, he causes a massive fight over it...and I feel like crap.

Adding to this, I am off work ill this morning, and DH seems to have wanted to continue the fight. He first asked if I felt able to get the kids ready (he never gets them ready), then when I am proceeding to do so, he starts telling me to get the younger one ready, while getting cross at our eldest. This includes raising his voice and pulling her slippers etc. off instead of him asking her twice to do it herself.

He then claims that he would have done it himself, and that he never asked me to get them ready, which to be honest is bullshit. I'm left dealing with two confused crying children, while he has a go at me... I refuse to get dragged in to it in front of the kids, and then he's all nice as pie 10 mins later.

He's out doing the school run now, and tbh I'm dreading him coming home and wish I was well enough to go into work to get out of is way.

I'm just so sick of no matter what I do, he'll take issue with it if it's not what he wants, or done his way.

You know something else dawned on me while in the gym...He doesn't encourage me to go to the gym (he knows new situations terrify me), no instead he asks what I plan on doing tonight when he already knows. ..then gives me a bugruging 'ok have fun' said as though it's being forced put og him by torture. ..

Think I may stay up past my bedtime tonight too

I think this thread is also acting as a very effective journal where you can log all your thoughts, feelings and observations each day. It´ll be great to look back on, even in a week´s time, just to see what you observed but also to see how far you´ve come.

Sometimes, if we feel down or stuck, if we´ve kept a record over time we can refer back to our recordings and remind ourselves that, actually, we only feel stuck cos the progress that we´ve actually made since the beginning of our journey is right there in black and white.

It sounds like the gym is great therapy indeed and you´re certainly getting a lot out of it. But if you ever hit a road block or feel a bit deflated, just go read page 1 of this thread and see all that you´ve achieved and how different you feel as a person from the one who was posting right back in the beginning. I know it´s early days but you already sound so much more positive. Good job! I will be there tomorrow morning. Been walking ( and sitting/standing ) like an arthritic Tin Man today! Too many squats

Yes moomin it's great being able to jot stuff down as it happens before its minimalised and also as a sanity check that I'm not being unreasonable in howhich the little things make me feel.

Aw no! Squats are evil hope you can walk normally tomorrow!

i've just read through your thread thinking how much your OH sounds like mine. then i saw moomin's comment about mixing our threads up and can see why!

the constant asking questions, always wanting help with stuff a grown man should be more than capable of and hovering is scream inducing!

nothing very helpful to add i'm afraid, just wanted to say hello, sympathise and wish you strength.

Hi haunted it's so difficult isn't it, because it's all stuff that can be reasoned away and minimalised. ..its like being a lobster in boiling water, or Chinese water torture.

It seems ridiculous at the time to leave for one argument, I.e. Over how he reacted to the gym....but looking back you wish you had because of the whole picture. ...but it's so much harder as your made to feel like your overreacting. ...If he hit me now for example I'd tell him to get out there and then.

I'll check out your thread, it'll be good to see the similarities. Wishing you strength too.

Well today is already a lovely day (sarcastic). He's sat watching me get the kids their breakfast and drinks with a face like a slapped are and proceeds to ask me if this is what he'll have to do this coming week when I'm away (I'm away for 2 days for work). I replied that 'they will need breakfast and drinks '....to which he snarled 'obviously' at me...

Why ask if it's obvious? And why the pure disgust and annoyance at having to get your kids ready when I'm away....

Control, control, control

I've just read all your posts and I find him quite chilling I really hope you're OK and you can continue to build your strength (both physically at the gym, and mentally!). I'm glad to see that you're enjoying the gym so much, that's great to hear.

His ways of controlling you just sound so insidious, and constant. It's like a chip, chip, chip away at you.

Can I ask, you say you used to be a SAHM. Whose idea was it for you to get a job? His or yours?

This thread has been useful I can see that - but what plans are you starting to put in place?

When are you going to tell him that if he doesn't like it and can't cope with his own kids the door is there >?

God he really doesn't like you does he? In fact from reading the whole thread he sounds like he hates you. You wouldn't stay friends with someone who treated you like this would you? And yet you stay with this man who is supposed to love and care for you, cherish and support you but in reality barely even tolerates you.
I would take myself out of the equation because let's face it when children come along they take priority over our wants and needs. Your daughters are learning that this is how a man treats his wife, this is how a woman is treated in her own home by a man who is supposed to love her, this too is what they can expect from their husbands because you have made this fucked up relationship their norm, the standard.
You are repeating the cycle of your own shitty childhood and the only way to stop it is to break that cycle, to put wanting a better life for your children over and above your fear of his reaction about the separation.

It won't happen overnight, im not sure you want to leave him yet but slowly slowly the scales are falling from your eyes, he knows it too. So start putting a plan in place, work out how much maintainance he would pay, benefit entitlement, rents in your area etc. like I said at the start of my post, do this for your daughters or the cycle continues when they're adults and end up tethered with the same kind of wanker you find yourself with.

Yes amarok I just feel so worn down by it all....I know longer have any sense of what's normal and what's not.

It was a decision that actually we both felt the same on with me returning to work...though my first choice of job he couldn't deal with.... I was a student before being a stay at home mum. I do love my job and career now.

I'm sorting out financial stuff as the next step and booking into the freedom programme. So I can't just kick him out....but mentally I'm not there yet...

I am trying, and I would hate for my daughters to be in a relationship like this, so yes they are a main source of my motivation to sort this out. It would be souch easier if he wasn't nice and lovely at times...

Child abusers offer sweeties to tempt kids in love.

It's the same thing.

I know your right...my father did the same thing...was lovely at times to prepare for the times he wasn't. ..I could see through him...see that the niceness was false...With my husband part of me so.desperately wants to believe the nice part is the real him :(

He's started on me...apparently I'm the one in the mood...he's being lovely...he's never said X y or z....If I want to go to the woods on my own....then I can choose to put myself in 'that situation'...If I want to meet family tomorrow then maybe he'll stay at home and walk my dog as 'someone should' etc

Hi OP

Just seen your thread and read all 7 pages.

At first I was going to say, my dh used to be like this i.e. he was not as tolerant as I was when the children were small. Didn't like too much mess or noise. Was harsh, shouted. Wanted things his way.

Well over the years and especially the last 2 or 3 he has changed immeasurably because I had words and actually threatened to leave as I said he was not the boss of us and he could fuck off with his moods and wants ruling the house (I must also say he is not and never was joyless, he was not and never was a gas lighter like your husband, or a martyr or someone who begrudged me being ill or busy or doing anything I want to do with my time. He was also never unkind or made me feel bad about myself in any way). He now compromises, he doesn't shout, he accepts other points of view, he just absolutely understood that it was vital he changed for all of us.

But as I've read through the pages, I really urge you to leave this man.

He gas lights you.

He doesn't care about your feelings or your health.

He resents you being a separate person with separate needs.

He is abusive.

Trust me he knows FULL WELL what he is doing by waking you up when you are ill, by starting fights, by making sure you CANNOT win those fights. He knows! Maybe he's on the spectrum maybe he's not but it is irrelevant because he's not a nice person and he's making your life a misery.

Oh and your 'anxiety and depression' (and your weight gain) will all disappear if you leave this man, I promise you that.

In summary he doesn't really understand and acknowledge that you are an actual person with actual feelings. You are just an extension of him and his needs. You are The Wife. He doesn't want the best for you - doubt he even knows or cares what that would be. People that love you want you to be happy. That's why my husband changed his ways. He wanted me to be happy and he made changes to make sure I was. And I am. But I was ready to walk away if he didn't.

Agree with delete above. The niceness is all a charade, purely designed to keep u there and to confuse you. Then there's the convenient shit upbringing u had and the resulting depression u now have as a result. A convenient weapon to use against u.
The times he's an unpleasent, nasty, moody, overbearing wanker that can't even let u be ill in peace, that is the real him!
That's great u get sm respite with being away for work. He's not expected to txt u 50 times a day is he? "Where's this? How do I do that? What ru doin?" Remote abuse. More controlling behaviour....u can continue sorting stuff out for your bid for freedom when away do u think? Get organized etc.

He probably will text like that moomin and he's already making me feel shit about going. ..ffs I cleared this with him months ago, told him he couldn't get like this if we both agreed I should go. ..which we did.

We're seeing his parents today...and he's already put me on edge telling me I'm not to come if I'm going to act like I did last weekend when they were round (we'd had a big fight before hand)... apparently they felt unwelcome...even though I feel I was no different than normal....oh and apparently I've been like that all this week according to DH...

He drains me, makes me feel so anxious and stressed and ill...yet it's all my issue apparently. ..

What more does he have to do until you click he's not going to change? How bad do things have to get? How much more shit about yourself does he have to make you feel until you're ready to leave? You're a young woman with a whole life ahead of you, can you imagine spending it with him?

Yes that's a point. ..It may give me some space to ring WA and organise the course. Hopefully they are there in the evenings.

Jesus he's the the poor him routine.... He doesn't know what up with us....somethings changed....He feels there's no marriage or love...

All because I'm going to the gym and looking after myself....he's only happy when I'm at his beck and call...keeping him company, agreeing with him etc...

Ugh

I'm making plans gen... If I imagine spending my life with him it's miserable.

If he hit me it's obvious bes abusive, with the.emotional abuse I'm defogging my mind, getting plans in place. It's like wading through treacle, trying to wake up from a coma, realising everything in your life is a lie....but I'm trying and keep taking small steps.

My mum finally left my dad after he stabbed her. In a way that's almost easier to deal with, a sharp shock that she needed to get the hell out. Your husband in my eyes is just as abusive but it's a slower more painful death in a way, it's psychological, it's exhausting and draining but make no mistake he just as bad.