Can't do wrong or right

[SoFrustratedWithItAll]

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. There is a lot of history that I don't really want to go into. However yesterday I joined the gym as they had a great offer on, no contract etc. I'd been speaking to my DH about this for a while now, and a few weeks ago said that I would be joining the early part of March. Anyway I got home yesterday and told DH that I had signed up and you'd have thought I'd never run it past him.

On and on he went, first because it was £5 more than what I'd said it should be (it includes swimming for the kids that will more than make up for it), then because I hadn't spoken to him about it - I had...around a week ago at most. Then because with our eldest DD's hobby we are spending £60 a month now on 'leisure activities' as he put it.

The gym is for my health, I am very over weight (about 4 stone) and suffer from anxiety and depression, which although I manage quiet well now, feel this will hep even more. I also suffer from an disordered eating, which have an physical outlet will help me with (sorry for all the detail)

We still have a large amount of our monthly income going into savings, so are in no way struggling. DH feels that every bit of money that is not being spent on a necessity should be being saved for a house. I feel that if we did that we would have no fun or quality of life. It also doesn't help that DH has no interest in hobbies or friends or anything that isn't work and being at home.

I just feel at a loss over this. I've discussed it with him, he agreed to it, and yet when I actually do it, he causes a massive fight over it...and I feel like crap.

Adding to this, I am off work ill this morning, and DH seems to have wanted to continue the fight. He first asked if I felt able to get the kids ready (he never gets them ready), then when I am proceeding to do so, he starts telling me to get the younger one ready, while getting cross at our eldest. This includes raising his voice and pulling her slippers etc. off instead of him asking her twice to do it herself.

He then claims that he would have done it himself, and that he never asked me to get them ready, which to be honest is bullshit. I'm left dealing with two confused crying children, while he has a go at me... I refuse to get dragged in to it in front of the kids, and then he's all nice as pie 10 mins later.

He's out doing the school run now, and tbh I'm dreading him coming home and wish I was well enough to go into work to get out of is way.

I'm just so sick of no matter what I do, he'll take issue with it if it's not what he wants, or done his way.

moomin yes I am trained in psychology, and yes I can see the tactics beings used. ..However he says that I am over analysing all his behaviours and seeing things that aren't there due to my training...and it's makes me doubt myself.

Lol scapegoat should definitely go on my cv!

Can't wait for the gym tomorrow! I'll be going once I've put the kids to bed after work :)

Gym is tomorrow night moomin - it'll be my induction session, and then I'm good to go whenever! Really looking forward to it :) I'll be going with my sister and mum some times to, so that'll help build up my support network.

So glad I'm going out tonight. Though I've now had from him that he wanted to talk about which job to take but 'I'm not there tonight', and that I need to help him with paperwork for one of the jobs. Because of course me being out part of the evening is a massive deal which means I'm obviously not around for a few minutes to talk...how dare I be so neglectful

Ffs...he's such a miserable joy sucker. ..sat here helping him with paperwork for his new job...and because I don't know the answer to one question, apparently I'm really leaving him to struggle with it and being unhelpful, disinterested and horrible...Ffs. ..and that's with me trying to help..

They way he was looking at me when he thought I couldn't see....It was like I disgusted him...

He just asked me why I'm joining the gym... I said to be healthier. ..He then proceeded to ask me what I mean by healthier. ..then asked me if ill.come home happy...ffs

Tell him you'll come home happy if he isn't there.

He asked you if you´ll come home happy? I´m sure you will be happier with a few natural endorphins in you I find it better than Prozac when I get my sorry arse there anyway!, it´s just staying consistent with me. However, if ever there was an incentive to get out the house and down the gym, aside from improving your health, it´s keeping the hell away from that miserable fucking Scrooge, eh?

Honestly, when you get in and you´re buzzing and full of that sense of achievement, don´t let him piss all over your bonfire! Tell him, if he starts being a wanker, that if he´s not gonna say anything supportive or nice like any normal partner would he can put a bloody sock in it! This is a big deal that you´re embarking on getting fit, losing weight etc, and a normal, caring partner would be encouraging and supportive. Something tells me ( cos I have an inkling by now, reading your posts ) that he´s gonna try saboutaging (sp) you at any opportunity. Whether it be sitting eating takeaways or your face treat food in front of you, trying to get you out of going to the gym at all by some BS reason or any number of ways really.

But I´m glad you´ve got your mam and sis as gym buddies cos often it´s the fact you´ve arranged to meet someone there that can make all the difference with you going or not. It´s accountability. So fuck him, the miserable swine, you´ve gotta go enjoy yourself, improve yourself, have a great time catching up with your family and feeling accomplished at the end of it. This will be like therapy in itself

He will sense changes in you, confidence, increase in self esteem/worth etc and I think this is when he may try his saboutaging techniques. Just be prepared. Just imagine you´ve made an appt with a hunky personal trainer and if you don´t make that appt you lose £100! Seriously, whatever it takes, just get out the house and away from him. Once you´re in a routine you´re rocking!

He chooses to be that black cloud looming over you and putting a dampner on your mood, but you get to choose how you react to him. You will soon see that his influence becomes less and less as his hold over you diminishes. Let him have a hissy fit or a mega strop over bugger all! You´re Master of your own destiny and you don´t need anyone placing limitations or constraints on you. They´re mere words and they mean fuck all. Soon it´ll be water off a duck´s back, you watch.

God I felt a bit Martin Luther King there! Hope you had fun tho

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement! I know he's already set the evening up to poss on my chips later...well let him! I don't need chips, they'll ruin my transformation

And yes having my mum and sis coming will be great! I'm already noticing I'm changing how I see his behaviour, wish I could stop the anxiety he can trigger in me though. He's so good at reading me though, he's acting the victim again, getting all sad that I seem distant.

I've got my induction soon, but will let you all know how it goes!

You will soon see his behaviour more objectively. Like an outsider observing him. Cos he won´t retain the hold he has over you, or the control/influence, for much longer. It´s a gradual process.

Don´t be reeled in, don´t engage and play his pathetic power/mind games.
Deny him the satisfaction of playing by his rules any longer.

Now go get ´em! ....

Hehe thanks! Had a really good time! First part done, second part of the.I diction booked! Plan to be back at the gym asap! They are all sooo friendly! May even make some friends here

New strategy going forwards is to do what I want in life to make me happy and healthy...and to try and ignore his black cloud and to not get brought down by him!

Thank you all for replying and listening to me. You are all giving me such strength, I'm starting to feel I can do this.

Lol as expected he's put out that I'm not sitting closer on the sofa...He can't understand why I'm sitting where I am. Then he asks who I'm talking to on my phone. Then he's swearing about the dog. Then he can't believe all the gym stuff is included in the price.

Now he's sitting all sulky. Sod him I had a great time, and him being like this just gives a nice contrast of how I feel when I'm around him!

Yay knew you´d love it! Yes he can keep his glowering mug and negative energy to himself in his zone of the sofa! LOL

Honestly, you won´t be so susceptible to his bad vibes and general moodiness before long. Like you say, you´re already noticing the contrast cos your awareness is becoming more acute. You´re seeing him more and more for what he actually is and once he can´t rule you by fear and intimidation anymore, you will look at him and see such a pathetic excuse for a man you´ll wonder what the hell ever attracted you to him in the 1st place!

Anyway, you´ve inspired me and I´m gonna get my sorry arse to the gym in the morn now. It´s been way too long but I´m up and down like a bloody yoyo. I always liken my journey to health and fitness to a game of Snakes and Ladders. I´ll be doing well and making progress for a while then something happens, my mood plummets, and I´m bitten by a pesky snake, right back to square 1!

I´m really bad at self-medicating with food and am a classic emotional eater but I find the gym really helps regulate my moods, thereby regulating good eating habits, keeping me motivated to eat well. As opposed to stuffing my face with a whole packet of biscuits and then some!!

Well done again. Pay no attention to the Bogey Man

It's interesting that he's creating more fuss and moodiness precisely when you're doing an activity to improve your life, isn't it?

What does that tell you about whether he gives a shiny shit for your happiness?

BTW going to the gym is amazing. I started in July - had previously been but when I was a much lower weight. I like going early morning before work, gives me loads of energy for the day ahead and that endorphin high cannot be beaten :)

high fives moomin good luck at the gym tomorrow :) I'm like that...tend to self medicate with food or my eating disorder raises it's head again (both ways are about me being in control I think...something laking in my life!) Think the gym will really help.

I find it so weird that instead of being nicer if he can feel me becoming distant, he's just ramped up his disorientating tactics... its because I'm no longer at his every beck and call...

I never thought I'd enjoy exercise, but I can see the gym quickly becoming my place, my haven...now I just need to sort out my home life to be as calm and peaceful. ..especially for my girls

Just need to keep building my mental strength. ...and not become blinded again...or stick my head on the sand, which would be the easy way.

www.different-together.co.uk/?metaurl=home

May be of help.

You've spent half your life so far with this man, so of course it will feel like an eternity at your age. I see someone has already recommended the thread that helped me escape from an abusive marriage (took me till I was 59!). It took me a while, and the help of MN, to wake up fully to what had been going on. Take your time, take it slowly, you have made an excellent start.

Thank you pussycat :) he's being as nice as pie today...wounder how long it will last!

Hurray, got to the gym after many weeks in a fug! Feel so much better, in control and it def seems to influence the food choices I make. I certainly don´t wanna stuff crap down my throat when I´ve been getting my sweat on. Will also recommence the food diary today. Yey for Thurs being the new Mon,

He´s being nice but you posted that very early! lol

Hopefully the gym, and all the knock on benefits you will experience, may help you gain the confidence to ring WA. Have a think what your next mini-goal can be. Possibly taking the step to speak with them would be doable after a while? It´s always good to set small challenges and goals ( hey, starting at the gym is a big goal so props to you for that! ) cos the sense of accomplishment you get is a real confidence booster. Then you move on to the next one etc...

Remember, small steps, as long as it´s in the right direction, is always progress.

I feel so happy for you that your seeing through his games now, I can imagine he will want to put a stop to the gym because he will see the change in you and hate it!

You've made a massive step in the right direction you should be really proud, don't let him get you down!

Thank you :) yes small steps are much more manageable, I think working out what financial help I'd be entitled too would be a good one!

Well done on getting to the gym moomin it's always so hard to go back I find!

Yes he's being all nice now...until his facade cracks again...or I continue to be my own person.

omg, I'm sat here eating my dinner, and DH is messing about with his laptop. He wanted to pack it away so we can watch TV, and he tries to hand my drink to me (which is on the coffee table with his laptop). I'm busy eating and sorting my stuff out (put the kids to bed, long day at work etc). I say to him to hold on 2 minutes, he actually turns round and says no because he's more important right now, and what he's trying to do is more important. I basically said fuck that, not its not.

The bloody cheek! It's so ridiculous from him it's almost comical...

Arh let the sabotaging begin. ..he's just asked if I want some cake. ...ffs um no

10/10 for predictability Mr Personality! Good mini-goal btw. You go girl!

Can you play Sabotage Bingo in your head ?

Cake ? Bingo
Why are you bothering to eat fruit ? Bingo
You're not going to go down that gym again ? Bingo

And so on .....................