Can't do wrong or right

[SoFrustratedWithItAll]

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. There is a lot of history that I don't really want to go into. However yesterday I joined the gym as they had a great offer on, no contract etc. I'd been speaking to my DH about this for a while now, and a few weeks ago said that I would be joining the early part of March. Anyway I got home yesterday and told DH that I had signed up and you'd have thought I'd never run it past him.

On and on he went, first because it was £5 more than what I'd said it should be (it includes swimming for the kids that will more than make up for it), then because I hadn't spoken to him about it - I had...around a week ago at most. Then because with our eldest DD's hobby we are spending £60 a month now on 'leisure activities' as he put it.

The gym is for my health, I am very over weight (about 4 stone) and suffer from anxiety and depression, which although I manage quiet well now, feel this will hep even more. I also suffer from an disordered eating, which have an physical outlet will help me with (sorry for all the detail)

We still have a large amount of our monthly income going into savings, so are in no way struggling. DH feels that every bit of money that is not being spent on a necessity should be being saved for a house. I feel that if we did that we would have no fun or quality of life. It also doesn't help that DH has no interest in hobbies or friends or anything that isn't work and being at home.

I just feel at a loss over this. I've discussed it with him, he agreed to it, and yet when I actually do it, he causes a massive fight over it...and I feel like crap.

Adding to this, I am off work ill this morning, and DH seems to have wanted to continue the fight. He first asked if I felt able to get the kids ready (he never gets them ready), then when I am proceeding to do so, he starts telling me to get the younger one ready, while getting cross at our eldest. This includes raising his voice and pulling her slippers etc. off instead of him asking her twice to do it herself.

He then claims that he would have done it himself, and that he never asked me to get them ready, which to be honest is bullshit. I'm left dealing with two confused crying children, while he has a go at me... I refuse to get dragged in to it in front of the kids, and then he's all nice as pie 10 mins later.

He's out doing the school run now, and tbh I'm dreading him coming home and wish I was well enough to go into work to get out of is way.

I'm just so sick of no matter what I do, he'll take issue with it if it's not what he wants, or done his way.

so it doesn't need to be harder, no. Everyone needs support in life but you are not getting support, only criticism. So start building up your support networks until you are able to break free. Then take your half of the joint savings and buy your own wee place.

Thank you all so much for being understanding. I've got the lundy book already, but thank you for the offer of help Pocket.

I am going to go to the gym despite what he says, to build up my confidence and just to start controlling my own life a bit. I know he will make it difficult though.

He just keeps bothering me today. Just asked me again if I was coming downstairs, how I'm now feeling as 'it'd be nice to sit with me'...what about what I need, not what's nice for him.

I have a wonderful family, though they can be a bit unsupportive, that's men for you attitude. I also have one close friend, but I don't get to see her often.

It's just so hard when he can be so lovely. If he was like this all the time it would be so easy to leave. I almost wish he would do something major again to give me 'reason' to tell him to leave.

I also have no idea where to even start. I don't earn enough to support me and my kids plus childcare.

The other worry is if I leave him, he'll get access to both kids on his own. I am always having to step in with how he parents them, he can be very harsh, and forceful. Doesn't have great empathy and almost wants them to be mini adults and do exactly what they are told... I would hate them having to spend time alone with him. Surely I can monitor things better by us all being under the same roof.

Is there are thread I can post on while building up my strength and strategy to sort this mess out? Just so I can keep my head and thoughts straight? As I find it so hard with it just being in my head...it gets muddled and foggy so quickly,

Omg, how many times when your ill can someone bother you as to when you're coming downstairs as the dog misses you. The latest one is that now I'll apparently feel better quicker if I'm around the dog. I just want to be left alone.

Yet I'm made to feel like I'm being unreasonable by not going downstairs, and so I'm doubting myself and thinking maybe I just should. I'm not getting any more peace by being in bed than on the sofa atm.

Surely I can monitor things better by us all being under the same roof.

Yes, that's what the abuser thinks. Once you have little people to think about, less chance of you leaving.

Have you access to the saved money for the house? Can you take half and put it down as a deposit on a rental and get out of there?

Would this thread help?

Have you tried saying the words 'fuck off' to him when he comes up bothering you?

You don't need his permission for your own bank account. Go and open one and get your wages transferred into that. I couldn't imagine not having my own.

Thank you Marchate I'll have a look at that thread. It does look helpful.

I do have access to the money, but I'm not sure how I'd stand legally on claiming half.

If I get angry or stand up for myself (I have said fuck off before, plus more. I tend to bottle it up, trying to cope until it all explodes) then I get told I'm being abusive, why am I doing this to him when he's doing everything for us, I'm unreasonable, I'm in one of my moods, my mental health issues are surfacing, I'm tiered, hungry etc, I'm lucky he hasn't left me, the list goes on. Essentially I feel then that I am being harsh and unreasonable, perhaps I am copying my fathers behaviour, and I feel terrible.

I think separate bank accounts is a good idea and if I was ever in another relationship I would never not have my own any more (that's not gong to happen, but that's another thread!), however there's no way it would work, I'm not even allowed to spend £30 on myself without there being drama... he would make it hell if I separated our money, and would put it down to me planning to leave him.

it sounds like you are both really unhappy.

I wold suggest not buying a house with him, and just think about yourself and your children's happiness xxxx

Tell him to Fuck Off bothering you Don´t let him bully you into doing what he wants! Tell him to take the bloody dog out, that´s why it´s restless. Jeez WTF is his problem?? This isn´t normal you know. It´s not like you´re having a bloody lie in, your sick!

So what if you lose your rag, only a bloody saint wouldn´t the way he´s carrying on. Tell him to go away, leave you alone, you´re going to sleep, you feel awful. And to stop frigging pestering you to do what he wants.

Tell him for the last time and then just yell ¨Fuck Off hassling me!¨ at him, I would. Then tough shit if he moans, you can say it´s his own bloody fault cos he knew you were ill then proceded to repeatedly pester you. You must stick up for yourself and stand your ground with him, and also not to give a flying frig if he moans or what the hell he says. It´s only words and they´re all meaningless it seems, coming from him.

You don´t keep bloody badgering someone ( a so-called loved one too ) if they´re off work ill. What fucking planet is he on? Don´t tolerate it, he´s a fucking idiot. You´re not a robot that he can control and who must obey what he says. Prat!

Get yourself your own bank account. Its really easy you can do it online. Transfer all the money you have contributed to your savings into it. You need to take back control. If you want to have your own bank account you are allowed! If you were with a normal, rational person then it wouldn't even be an issue!! He's treating you like a child. If he kicks off then let him! Don't back down because then in his eyes you were the one in the wrong.

You are not in the wrong and everyone on here will tell you that those thoughts you have when your doubting yourself are wrong too. He is suffocating you. Your ill and he wont leave you alone, he's checking on you every 2 mins and its seriously not normal!!

Your reactions are totally right, trust your gut feelings.

I know its easy to say LTB, and you may not feel like you can, but SOMETHING has to be done for you and your kids. Do you feel like you could sit down and talk to him about all this?

As you are married, during divorce any savings would be split between you. So financially speaking you'd be better off splitting now before tying yourself to him with a house.

He would have to pay maintenance also, and you'd get council tax reduction as a single adult, plus child benefit, and if you're below the earnings threshold you'd get housing benefit as well. It's probably worth going into CAB or seeing a solicitor who'll give a free 30 or 60 min consultation. You don't need to do anything off the back of that, not until you're ready - but it's good to have the knowledge, and compare that to the lies he will tell you.

Your mum really did you no favours by patterning an abusive relationship to you for your whole childhood. Although you saw her kick him out when you were 16, all of the subconcious lessons were absorbed long before that. The fact this guy doesn't hit you is irrelevant: he's emotionally and financially abusing you.

Please don't make your DC the reason to not leave him. "I'm worried that he'll be more abusive to the kids if we split" is really the shittest reason ever to stay with anyone, and it speaks volumes about your level of fear of this man.

OP you know your relationship is all wrong. He's done a real number on you so you don't know whether you're coming or going. That's the plan. He's not a lovely man and a great father. He's a spineless little bully and you're stuck in the corner of the playground with him.

Of course if you leave him your life will be more financially difficult, at least initially, but you WILL manage. You won't be splitting up a happy home and depriving your kids of a loving, nuturing father. You've said he can suck the life out of any situation. Whoever read a post on here that said I wish my mum had stayed with my dad who abused her emotionally and financially ? What, so that they could still have tennis lessons and a slightly bigger house ?

Isn't it a coincidence that so many women living in your position are also overweight, anxious and depressed ? I sound harsh because I've been that person. It's not a coincidence. You know deep down what's wrong but for loads of reasons - I had mine - you can't clear your head and sort things out.

Totally agree with everything Moomin has said. You are a person in your own right, he is not your boss, your better, your elder. You really have the power. If you told him to Fuck Off and threw him out tomorrow he'd be a pathetic mess. You'd be fine. He needs you, you don't need him.

My abusive ex couldn't go to bed without me. Instead of saying grow up, I gradually accepted this so as an adult I wasn't even in control of my own bedtime !! He also would leave a "job" to me then question me about it. The final straw was when he rearranged the washing on the airer, as apparently I didn't do it right. I can tell you he nearly ended up wearing it as a hat !

Took me too long to break away, I had no children so it was easier. But you are at the beginning of what should be your escape route. If I can do it (was 14 years ago) so can you. My anxiety was also so great I could hardly use the phone. He virtually destroyed me - but I can assure you I survived, flourished, and the last I heard of him he was a pathetic old saddo.

Thank you all, it's hard to hear what some of you are saying, but it's stuff I need to, so thank you.

I went to sleep for a good few hours, though he has now woken me up...can't really remember why. I said I'll probably come downstairs soon (my choice, TV, food etc!), and got told that there was no need too, why don't I try to go back to sleep

Nice my DH will make a big whoha about going to bed if I don't want to at our 'bedtime' or when he's tiered. If I feel like going to bed early he'll initially make a fuss, and then come to bed with me...drives me mad, it's so suffocating.

He'll also do things like tell me my laptop is on, when I acknowledge that I know it is, he'll ask me do I want it turning off. I would turn it off myself if I wanted it off. He also has a big thing about me lying, which I do do (more so in the past) because of his reactions. Now he'll say I'm lying if I haven't told him about something, even if I had no prior knowledge of it. Oh and also he lied to me for several years a the start of our relationship as he 'didn't want to loose me'.

I have cornered him about how he behaves, about how it makes me feel. We've had big arguments about our relationship, and each time he cries and says he can't stand me seeing him as an abuser, that he realises hes doing x, y and z, etc. What if he really doesn't realise what he's doing?

He totally knows what he's doing!! He plays the victim when you confront him and goes back to his controlling ways when the dust has settled.

This rings so many bells for me. I privately refer to DH as the black cloud (and PIL as the dementors) as they are all capable of sucking the joy out of everything.
6 months ago I said I'd give myself a year to try and make things work. I've had my eyes opened on here over the last 2 years. 6 months along I've realised its not fixable as only one of us wants a mutually respectful partnership. One of us wants a stepford wife and a child that is seen and not heard.
Now the most powerful I've felt (apart from giving birth) was the day I went to the solicitor to say "I want a divorce." ('m not much further along, but every journey starts with a step and I can't wait for the time I don;t have to tiptoe around someone's moods, and sulks, and petty sniping over money)
Please don't just put up and shut up.

Isa yes to the stepford wife and seen and not hear children. He even says I just want a quiet life, complains when the kids make too much noise, when they don't settle at night, when they are ill. It's like he wants us all to be robots.

seen and not heard children*

'I' being him wanting the quiet life.

Sorry still woozy from being ill.

The thing that makes me sick, is I know that in the future, if I keep standing up for myself, not being a doormat and not placating him, then it will lead to a massive argument with him threatening to leave in front of the kids. I'm so worried that I'll back don again, instead of just letting him go (it has been at that point far to many times).

I also know that me going to the gym, gathering my strength and taking some control back will be portrayed as me not wanting to spend time with him...further sapping my strength. I look back at when things were so much worse and wish I'd left then, I don't know how things have gotten this bad... I should have never gotten into this situation after what I learnt in my childhood. How have I been so stupid and let myself end up here...why can't I be strong like when I cut my father out of my life, and cut this man out too. How have I given him so much power, when I swore no-one would have that over me after my father.

He absolutely 100% knows what he is doing. You say he was upset because he can't stand you seeing him as an abuser. That doesn't mean he doesn't think he's abusing you, he's just upset that you've rumbled him and have told him what you think.

Also, you say he realises he's doing x,y and z. If he's so upset why doesn't he stop himself them ? You don't have to label yourself as an abuser to acknowledge your behaviour is upsetting your partner. Why is the upset about how you're making him feel ? Why isn't the issue being discussed how you feel, as a result of the x,y, and z behaviours he admits to ?

But d'you know what, even if in some parallel universe he really thinks he's not abusive, he doesn't get to decide. You get to decide how you feel, and if you feel abused, that's the reality, YOUR reality. He can live in his dysfunctional little world, and believe me after you he'll find somebody else to share it with him.

One step at a time. Don't catastrophise: "I could do this, but then that might happen, and what about that,and he might do this...."

No. Plan of action. Legalities, finances, practicalities. I did the free first 30 minutes with a local solicitor. She was fabulous. There's nothing they haven't heard before, it's really empowering.

thank you. I meant to put he say he Doesn't realise he's doing x, y and z.

It is so scary :(

I do have access to the money, but I'm not sure how I'd stand legally on claiming half

Is this because you think you are not half of this relationship? What percentage do you think you would be worth?

I meant to put he say he Doesn't realise he's doing x, y and z.

Course he does - because if he admits he does it on purpose then he would be a monster, right?