Can't do wrong or right

[SoFrustratedWithItAll]

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. There is a lot of history that I don't really want to go into. However yesterday I joined the gym as they had a great offer on, no contract etc. I'd been speaking to my DH about this for a while now, and a few weeks ago said that I would be joining the early part of March. Anyway I got home yesterday and told DH that I had signed up and you'd have thought I'd never run it past him.

On and on he went, first because it was £5 more than what I'd said it should be (it includes swimming for the kids that will more than make up for it), then because I hadn't spoken to him about it - I had...around a week ago at most. Then because with our eldest DD's hobby we are spending £60 a month now on 'leisure activities' as he put it.

The gym is for my health, I am very over weight (about 4 stone) and suffer from anxiety and depression, which although I manage quiet well now, feel this will hep even more. I also suffer from an disordered eating, which have an physical outlet will help me with (sorry for all the detail)

We still have a large amount of our monthly income going into savings, so are in no way struggling. DH feels that every bit of money that is not being spent on a necessity should be being saved for a house. I feel that if we did that we would have no fun or quality of life. It also doesn't help that DH has no interest in hobbies or friends or anything that isn't work and being at home.

I just feel at a loss over this. I've discussed it with him, he agreed to it, and yet when I actually do it, he causes a massive fight over it...and I feel like crap.

Adding to this, I am off work ill this morning, and DH seems to have wanted to continue the fight. He first asked if I felt able to get the kids ready (he never gets them ready), then when I am proceeding to do so, he starts telling me to get the younger one ready, while getting cross at our eldest. This includes raising his voice and pulling her slippers etc. off instead of him asking her twice to do it herself.

He then claims that he would have done it himself, and that he never asked me to get them ready, which to be honest is bullshit. I'm left dealing with two confused crying children, while he has a go at me... I refuse to get dragged in to it in front of the kids, and then he's all nice as pie 10 mins later.

He's out doing the school run now, and tbh I'm dreading him coming home and wish I was well enough to go into work to get out of is way.

I'm just so sick of no matter what I do, he'll take issue with it if it's not what he wants, or done his way.

So Random but genuine question; you don´t think he´s got Aspergers/Autism do you? None of his family have it? I´m not up on the condition by any means, but I´m sure some of the posters would have pointed it out by now if it were a possibility......I´m probably way off but just thinking out loud

You´re getting loads of good advice on here and I´m glad you´re taking the first steps to enlightening yourself and also to empowerment. I reckon he´s had the upper hand and had you all befuddled for so long it´ll be like a mist lifting when you finally see the reality of the situation!

BTW does he usually act like this when you´re ill? You may think he´s just being bloody irritating but I genuinely think this is just another way in which his abuse/control manifests. No caring, well-balanced and considerate partner would behave this way. I´ve told my husband to just leave me in bed with a glass of water before, and that I´d ring his mobile in the living room if I needed anything. All those disturbances to bully you to go downstairs ( do his bidding! ) and I bet not once did he ask if you were hungry or fancied a cup of tea!!

And if he´s now saying you don´t need to come downstairs, coincidentally after you´ve expressed you wanted to go down anyway.....it seems to me he´s just playing mind games cos you´re ill and vulnerable. He could have just left you to sleep all along so why´s he changed his tune now? Psychological abuse and fucking with your mind, that´s why.

He knows about your depression and horrendous childhood and now that´s become your Achilles Heel. He´s using that as his default BS reason for getting away with treating you like an idiot. He´s twisting things and transferring his behaviour ( calling you abusive?! WTF? ) onto you and I´ll bet your childhood/depression is referred to regularly?

He wants you to feel all over the place, dependant and powerless. God forbid you should wake up, smell the coffee and think ¨Hang on, this isn´t how normal relationships are conducted¨. It´s almost like he´s been drugging you all this time ( poisoning your mind with his words/behaviour ) and now they´re wearing off and you´re awakening from your stupor.

Crossed with your last post.

Let him yell and threaten to leave in front of the kids - and let him leave. You say you're worried you'll back down again. Why did you back down last time ? It sounds so naff but write a list of pros and cons as regards his leaving. At the moment he might leave why would it be good for you if he stayed, why would it be good if he left ?

I'm no psychologist, but from the little I know the situation you find yourself in despite your relationship with your father is very common. We are drawn to the safety of that which we know best, even if that situation has in fact been very detrimental to us. The feelings of familiarity and safety exert such a strong pull on our psyche. Hopefully somebody else will be along who knows a lot more about this than I do.

He's never going to like you being ill because it's not about him. How can you do his bidding if you're unwell in bed ? As Moomin said, a normal caring partner will check on you, see if you want anything and respect your wishes to be left alone. But he's not normal and caring so he's waking you up and messing with your head.

Moomin yes I do suspect he is on the autistic spectrum somewhere. 2 of my brothers are on he spectrum, and I trained in psychology, so do recognise the traits.

Yes he acts like this most times when I'm ill. If the kids are here then it's worse as he'll come tell me the youngest needs her nappy changing, etc. He has asked me once, he first time if I needed anything, but not since then.

Yes most disagreements that turn into more he'll mention my childhood, my anxiety etc it feels as a way to dismiss any of my points or feelings. He has even started saying to our eldest when my patients is wearing thin to stop winding me up and do as I say or else I'll explode and the whole family will pay for it. Ffs I only explode at him because he says shit like that, yet it's never his faults, it's always that the kids have wound me up, I'm taking my anger out on him etc...which is ridiculous. It is soul destroying having someone tell you that your angry at them for different reasons to what you say. It's like he thinks he knows my mind better than me.

nice I backed down last time as it was while I was holding our eldest, she was crying, he was telling her he's got to go etc, I felt wretched, I lost my nerve, I was scared of how it will be without him, I was scared for what I would tell the kids, I didn't want my eldest upset and to think it was all my fault for getting rid of her daddy. the thought of him leaving makes me feel sick and panicky, and my anxiety turned into a panic attack of having to get him to stay :( god I sound pathetic

You need an F off fund Your own account with money saved to start over again. ( that he has no
Knowledge of- ask the bank not to send statements etc)
This isn't going to get better
If you worried about access and him possibly abusing the Kids your solicitor can advise you My solicitor once said something which really helped and that is ' the law can make anybody do anything' - she was referring to break ups/ access/ divorce tho

It will be ok in the end- it's pretty rubbish at first but it does get better

So he emotionally blackmailed you into him staying by including the kids in his games. If he threatens to go again, just let him!

You are not pathetic you are being manipulated and controlled and sounds as though he's doing a brilliant job of it too.

What is good about this relationship and what makes you happy?

Your post really resonates with me. Last week I did something anazing. ..I opened my own bank account. My heart thumped in my chest I was so scared. But I did it. Small steps but forward I will go. Your husband is very similar to how mine was. Everything is micro managed because they ate terrified of you leaving. They manage the money. They manage your emotions your time the kids your wants and needs. All so you are stuck. In my husbands case it stemmed from being abandoned as a child but no excuse. He got help and has improved but is by no means cured.
It is emotional and financial abuse and it is now illegal. That small fact was what made me finally get my own account because the law reminded me that doing things his way wasn't right and I didn't have to do it. Pointing out that he is breaking the law might make him think again. But I suggest leaving him anyway.
I still suffer with anxiety too.

Maybe you should make that your first step, open your own bank account. May seem like a small thing to most but its a huge step for you in the right direction

Also. .... Now my h is getting help his therapy is causing him to understand about our childhood issues. He also uses my childhood against me. Any reaction I have to his actions are blamed on my issues. I understand totally how frustrating that is. It questions your mental health which is about as bad as it gets.

I could open my own bank account, but wouldn't be able to put any money away into it, as all money is accounted for. Also if he does a credit check then it would show up (we had bad debts a few years ago, so we do sometimes do credit checks).

What ages are you now, OP, and what ages are your kids?
Do the kids ever visit grandparents or anyone else for the weekend; i.e. is there ever a time you can talk / argue with your husband without scaring the kids?

You can open your own bank account tomorrow and you should. Why doom yourself to decades more of a miserable life for fear of "drama" from him? As others have said, tell him to fuck off and stop harrassing you. You are not accountable to him for every penny you spend; that is abusive and abnormal.

Tell people in your life that you need help leaving him. Something tells me they will leap to be of assistance; I am sure the truth of this miserable situation is more evident than you think.

OP you do not sound pathetic at all. Your situation as described is totally understandable. He's going to use every trick in the book to make you stay, make you feel guilty, make you feel like a bad mum. He is pathetic.

A good partner does not make you feel sick, anxious, panicky and scared. I remember feeling scared. Feeling scared about being on your own with your children is to be expected. You can manage that fear by getting advice and taking practical steps. The fear your partner is causing can only be dealt with by removing him from your life.

I am now late twenties, the kids are 5 and almost 2. No the kids doen't stay over at grandparents, his won't have them (they say they've done the child rearing, and want no part of it) and my mum would have them, but DH wasn't comfortable with it when they were little, so we've just never done that. He still will question her ability to look after them in subtle ways, and he would 'feel guilty' palming them off as he puts it. He doesn't like giving control away I suppose.

I think I'm also scared about what if I'm wrong nice, what if he's right and we're right for each other, what if leaving is the wrong decisions, what if I regret it.

So what if he knew you were adding funds to it? Tell him "Yes, I have decided to set aside $50 per paycheck into a savings account. I don't like being accountable to you for every penny I spend on things like hobbies and gym membership." If he pitches a childish fit, let him.

In fact if you have contributed to existing savings, I think you should transfer half of those into your new private account as well. You own it.

OMG, you are so young. You have plenty of time for a wonderful, stress-free, caring and fulfilling relationship in your future. Not to mention time to get your kids out of that toxic environment so they don't repeat the cycle.

How could anyone be "right" for you if they cause you this much misery, anxiety, stress? How could anyone "right" for you question a minor expense like the gym, that would improve your health and happiness? I could go on for pages.

Take the advice to do the Freedom Programme. ASAP. What other resources do you have in real life? Can you live with your mother? Is there another relative who would help you sort things out? Friends? A mentor or former work supervisor or someone you could confide in? If a woman in your shoes came to me, perhaps we had worked together in the past or I had been her teacher or whatever, I would exert myself to help. Reach out to people; don't isolate yourself, and you will be stronger. People do care.

No room at my mum's sadly. She has my younger sister and brother still living with her. I feel so guilty to be telling people, and I know that when I do there's no going back. I did tell my sister-in-law (my older brothers wife) about the gym things though.

I only have the one close friend who has enough on her plate with a new marriage and moving house. I've not been in my new job long, and before that was a say at home mum.

I'll definitely look into the freedom programme. Anything to help me clear my thoughts.

I don''t feel young, over 10 years of this is all I've known of adult life. But the gym and freedom programme should give me some autonomy back, start becoming my own person.

Don't feel guilty. What would your brothers say if they knew you were treated this way?

You are not as trapped as you feel.

Do you fear he will become physically violent with you or the kids?

I say tell your mum. I bet you she won't be surprised, and if you were my daughter I'd be desperate to help you. Of course he's questioned your mum's parenting abilities, he needs to draw you away from your family and friends. They're the voice of reason, he knows they can probably see through him.

You say if you tell people there's no going back - that's where you need to be. Trust me I really do know how you feel. Your mind is so confused you don't trust your own thoughts anymore.

You say you're scared about being wrong. The anxiety, depression. weight gain, confusion etc, it's all because deep down you know that your relationship is wrong. You're repressing so much crap because if you admit it to yourself, and god forbid anybody else, you might have to do something about it.

Imagine you've just got home from your 30th birthday party. You invited who you wanted to, chose the venue, no dramas, no wrangling over money/time/babysitters. The kids are in bed, you decide to sit up for a bit, perhaps text a few friends to say thanks for coming. You go to bed when you fancy, oversleep a bit, but it doesn't matter, the kids have crawled in with you and you'll get up when you feel like it.

It's not a fantasy, it's not wrong or expecting too much. It's your future without him and it's how normal couples function. Can you say that any of that would happen with him in your life ?

so have a play around with this calculator benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk. At present, single parents working over 16 hours can get up to 70% of childcare costs through working tax credits.

If you are able to squirrel some money away, how about using a prepaid card? I don't think you need a credit check but best to ask with the supplier. www.moneysupermarket.com/prepaid-cards/

And please don't think that your are 'damaged' by your upbringing in some way. You have already transcended it by being a great parent to your LOs so don't let your past/childhood be used against you. You can tell your own story - as a survivor.

I would query if he actually would even leave when he's threatened in the past. I wouldn't b surprised if it were yet another form of control and he's playing you. If he did it again I'd be callin his bluff and tell him I'd help pack his bags and shove them out the door for him! Cos I reckon it's all bullshit and he's never had any intention of leaving. I hope you'll very soon you'll feel strong enough to tell him to get to fuck!
He's taken enough of your life and robbed you of too much freedom and happiness for this to continue. You and the kids would be far happier without him.
He can't even respect you when you're poorly, he's expected you to change a nappy?!
I hope you told him to get to fuck! The more you post the more I despise him. And u are def not wrong btw, so stop doubting yourself. He is 100% out of order in every way and I wouldn't wanna go near him with a 10 foot barge pole. He respects and cares so little for you and your welfare so little it's deplorable.
Cos he gets so mad with the kids I would have no hesitation in taking them somewhere safe so they don't feel the anger and stress from him. Of course the way he treats them and the atmosphere will be detrimentally effecting them. Do u want what happened to u to happen to them? That's what will happen so by splittin up u will be saving them, not damaging them, believe me.

I'll reply properly tomorrow. DH is sitting with me atm, so can't type much, plus by laptop is only our of charge! Just wanted to say that the 30th birthday scenario, sounds idyllic, but it would never happen with him, no.

Hold that thought OP, you can make it happen.

Have a good evening. Up and at 'em tomorrow !

Hope you´re well enough to get back to work tomorrow Cos it sounds a damn site better than being stuck at home with this twisted, soul destroyer tormenting you and eroding your will to live! Just remember today if he is ever in bed poorly and make sure you repay him with interest! Nasty fucker.

But hopefully he´ll be long gone before then...