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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't do wrong or right

232 replies

SoFrustratedWithItAll · 29/02/2016 08:45

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. There is a lot of history that I don't really want to go into. However yesterday I joined the gym as they had a great offer on, no contract etc. I'd been speaking to my DH about this for a while now, and a few weeks ago said that I would be joining the early part of March. Anyway I got home yesterday and told DH that I had signed up and you'd have thought I'd never run it past him.

On and on he went, first because it was £5 more than what I'd said it should be (it includes swimming for the kids that will more than make up for it), then because I hadn't spoken to him about it - I had...around a week ago at most. Then because with our eldest DD's hobby we are spending £60 a month now on 'leisure activities' as he put it.

The gym is for my health, I am very over weight (about 4 stone) and suffer from anxiety and depression, which although I manage quiet well now, feel this will hep even more. I also suffer from an disordered eating, which have an physical outlet will help me with (sorry for all the detail)

We still have a large amount of our monthly income going into savings, so are in no way struggling. DH feels that every bit of money that is not being spent on a necessity should be being saved for a house. I feel that if we did that we would have no fun or quality of life. It also doesn't help that DH has no interest in hobbies or friends or anything that isn't work and being at home.

I just feel at a loss over this. I've discussed it with him, he agreed to it, and yet when I actually do it, he causes a massive fight over it...and I feel like crap.

Adding to this, I am off work ill this morning, and DH seems to have wanted to continue the fight. He first asked if I felt able to get the kids ready (he never gets them ready), then when I am proceeding to do so, he starts telling me to get the younger one ready, while getting cross at our eldest. This includes raising his voice and pulling her slippers etc. off instead of him asking her twice to do it herself.

He then claims that he would have done it himself, and that he never asked me to get them ready, which to be honest is bullshit. I'm left dealing with two confused crying children, while he has a go at me... I refuse to get dragged in to it in front of the kids, and then he's all nice as pie 10 mins later.

He's out doing the school run now, and tbh I'm dreading him coming home and wish I was well enough to go into work to get out of is way.

I'm just so sick of no matter what I do, he'll take issue with it if it's not what he wants, or done his way.

OP posts:
SoFrustratedWithItAll · 01/03/2016 11:42

At work today. So less time to post, plus less things to post about!

However the more I dwell on it...the angrier I'm feeling over being woken up yesterday. Seriously, who wakes up someone who is ill??? When there is no need. ..then tells them after telling them whatever was soooo important, to try and go back to sleep.

He'd go crazy if I did that... though he also finds fault if I don't wake him up when I get in if he's ill. Dammed if I do...dammed if I don't.

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 01/03/2016 12:34

As I said, not normal by a long stretch and yet another form in which the abuse manifests with him. And why would you need to wake him up when you get in if he´s ill? Does he want to always be in the same room as you, joined at the hip?? Shock I´m glad you´re getting angry cos it shows that it´s dawning on you more and more now just how fucked up his behaviour is. Nobody would blame you for being angry, it is natural and justified.

The injustice of being treat like you´re an idiot or not his equal, like you can´t be trusted and need monitored.....what is he afraid will happen?? You´re waking up to the reality of your situation and that can only be a good thing. Smile

When do you start the gym? I went all the way there this morn, only to realise I´d forgotten my bloody tunes, so came all the way back home again. I can´t workout without decent music! Blush

SoFrustratedWithItAll · 01/03/2016 12:45

I start tomorrow evening! I can't wait!

I think it was just a way to have an argument, as if I had woken him up he'd have complained about that. Can't bloody win.

He's just texted me now saying he feels awful. He's had two interviews booked for today and he asked if he should go to the second one. I said if your feeling awful come home. He then asked me what if the job was a really good one. I said that I can't make that decision for him,only he knows how he feels etc. Well now he's claiming I'm being uncaring and horrible. ..wtf...

OP posts:
Marchate · 01/03/2016 12:47

Yes, everything is your fault... I wouldn't answer his texts. Certainly not in full sentences!

SoFrustratedWithItAll · 01/03/2016 12:50

It's just so bloody ridiculous. I just know going home tonight he's going to be in a mood where he picks at everything I do, nothing will be right, and he'll just be looking for any way he can to have a go at me.

OP posts:
Marchate · 01/03/2016 12:59

I really do think you now have to start planning for your future without him

MoominPie22 · 01/03/2016 13:01

Do you think he has an over-reliance on you? And yet he seems to pick on you constantly. I don´t understand how, even tho you´re at work you aren´t actually escaping him and he still manages to influence your mood/manipulate you! Hmm

He should be able to make a basic decision like that all by himself, surely?! Maybe you should just not use your phone at work cos I think you seem to over-engage with him, which just keeps allowing him power over you. Just don´t engage at all during work hours. Surely if he was at work too he wouldn´t be texting you throughout the day?

Seriously, try and stop pandering to him. Let him get stroppy, spit his dummy out or kick off. He´s a grown man FFS but I get the impression he doesn´t like you having any autonomy, independance or fun. Maybe he doesn´t like you having your own opinions ( esp if they challenge his own ) or having any hobbies or interests that don´t involve him too....? Just surmising.

Seriously, you will love the gym and this will be a revelation to you! Smile It makes you feel so much stronger mentally and physically, and just much more in control of your life. So I hope this may be the start of the new you, along with The Realisation of course! Wink I think it will help you feel much more empowered in dealing with him tbh. Along with sorting things out like reading the literature on abusive relationships, confiding in people etc. You´re taking a Holistic approach to this which is great! Smile

LeaLeander · 01/03/2016 13:54

What a whining baby-man. I would go insane.

OP, it is not normal or necessary to have this much drama in your life. We all only get one brief span of time on this planet. Wouldn't you rather spend it enjoying yourself, enjoying your children, appreciating the wonder of the natural world, doing pleasant pastimes etc? Why let yourself in for day after day of soul-destroying whining/complaining/abuse/controlling? You don't owe anyone your life or your time. He's a selfish, controlling, abusive jerk and you are NOT tied to him legally.

Please take advantage of whatever resources you can to determine your legal/financial rights and get moving with your life. You are still very young and you can shape a wonderful future without him.

SoFrustratedWithItAll · 01/03/2016 16:20

Oh ffs just got a text that the printer is broken...along with the question of what have I been putting in it...

I'll define try be checking out my options, gaining strength and making plans

OP posts:
Marchate · 01/03/2016 16:23

Since you can break a printer by remote control, along with all your other faults, he should manage fine without you. After all, you are causing all his problems!

SoFrustratedWithItAll · 01/03/2016 16:29

It's just getting ridiculous. ..or I'm now noticing it more. Everything that goes wrong for him, I receive a passive aggressive comment basically pinning it on me. It's like he expects me to respond "so dear husband...Please forgive me. You are right, I broke the printer and did not tell you. I beg your forgiveness "..(exaggerated, but you get the idea!)

OP posts:
LittleLegs25 · 01/03/2016 16:31

You should send him that and put a sarcastic face on the end! See how he likes it

MoominPie22 · 01/03/2016 16:34

God it would seem that Scapegoat is just one of your many "talents"! Stick that one on your CVWink
Don't engage. I wouldn't even be lookin at my phone. Stick it in your bag out of sight so ur not tempted to check. I'm assuming he is the only one texting u on the regular at work?Hmm
He will only text if u keep responding! Seriously, don't give him the power. He's a bloody Text Pest now! Just detach and don't engage. Enjoy the gym thoSmile why didn't u take your gear to work then u can go straight frm work? The less exposure to that toxic turd the better!

somewheresomehow · 01/03/2016 16:35

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/freedom-programme-leaflet.pdf
Heres a leaflet from their site
good luck 'OP'

SoFrustratedWithItAll · 01/03/2016 16:35

Lol I've done that before when I've been at the end of my tether. ..It leads to a massive fight and I just don't have the energy to deal with that tonight. Plus I'm so sick of getting drawn in! If I remain calm and distant it'll really bug him...that he hasn't been able to make me rise too it...as then he can't take it out on me but blame my mood as the catalyst

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 01/03/2016 16:45

But how ru meant to concentrate on your work and be productive with him harrassing u? How many txts has he sent u today?
This is just like how he was bothering u yesterday only in txt form! Seriously, when do u ever get a minutes peace frm him??Angry
Don't keep engaging cos he'll keep txting and you're givin him what he wants, attention, a reaction. And THIS is what's sapping your strength. This very behaviour. Cos it's incessant! He's wearing u down so that you find it hard to stand up to him.
You've trained in psychology, surely u must see the tactics he's using?
You need to get stronger not weaker so I hope the gym combined with info on abuse etc can be the catalyst for change for u. I sense a shift coming on....Smile

Marchate · 01/03/2016 16:49

Put your phone away. Before you leave work answer them all in one short sentence. 'I have been very busy at work' for example

Be sure you never ever use the word sorry again!

nicenewdusters · 01/03/2016 17:48

I think "Don't text me, I'm at work" and repeat until your phone explodes. He's trying to invade all your boundaries, your work space, your bed (even when you're ill) your social and family life. You have to raise your boundaries as high as possible to stop him. All the outcomes you can deal with, you're already dealing with him being moody, stroppy, controlling, belittling, critical etc, etc.

This is not a nice man and somebody you are hoping to stay with. Who cares what he thinks about anything you say to him. Get on that treadmill and get going !

LeaLeander · 01/03/2016 18:02

What does this man do with himself all day that he has nothing better on hand than to text, call, snoop, stalk and otherwise harras you morning noon and night? Has he ever been engaged in anything productive in his life? I would think a grown man would be ashamed to the bone to be so clingy and whiny and dependent. And if he were in my life, I'd say that to him every single day.

And as others have said, stop apologizing for trying to lead a normal life.

SoFrustratedWithItAll · 01/03/2016 19:00

Thank you all. I'll remember no apologising.

He is normally at work, but doesn't start his new job till next week. Also.we are both in professions and work spaces where it is not uncommon to respond to your phone during the work day. But your all right and need to get my boundaries back in place and build them back up. He's been chiselling away at them for years that the constant texting doesn't seem abnormal...

OP posts:
SoFrustratedWithItAll · 01/03/2016 19:18

Well that's was a nice supreme. He was asleep when I got in with our eldest and the youngest was in bed, so I got a bit of peace till he woke up. He's being very....I can't put my finger on it...not horrible...but not happy or loving either.

And if I say anything in slightly the wrong way it leads to him slouching away being very bristly and putting me right on edge

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 01/03/2016 20:13

Try not to read too much into it. Remember, you're the one now thinking differently, he's stuck in his old ways. He may well be acting exactly the same as always, you're just starting to see things differently.

SoFrustratedWithItAll · 01/03/2016 21:00

Yes I think your right, that makes sense. You know he doesn't even kiss me unless it's to do with sex or a very rare occurrence. ..even on birthdays etc when I've given him presents... that's jot normal either I don't think

OP posts:
SoFrustratedWithItAll · 01/03/2016 21:01

Sorry even on birthdays etc he doesn't give me a kiss after I've given him a present. Tiered! So not making much sense!

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 01/03/2016 21:17

How was the gym? Smile

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