Should I say anything or just leave it?

[CarsonTheButler]

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

Well best of British Carson and I hope it goes well when you chat. Don´t forget to maybe suggest you´re happy to meet as 2 couples, tell him you´re looking forward to meeting her etc and hopefully it´ll all be very civil and get sorted.

I do think it´s only right you meet her though, and hopefully her husband can meet your husband. Then everyone has a face and no-one´s anonymous if you get wot I mean...?

Just incase the pair of them were getting a bit carried away it is better to get everything out in the open, no more secrets. I think once you meet eachother you can maybe gauge more how the land lies cos you´ll see how they are together and how they act, body language etc. And you can bloody quiz her too!

Come and let us know how it goes.

Carson, did you go out of your way to spend one on one time with the object of your crushes and then lie to your partner about it ?

I am going to talk to DH when he gets back. Other than trawling through his e mails and social media there is nothing else I can do now.

There is quite a lot you are doing right now. You are rationalising and excusing. By the time you talk to him you will have convinced yourself that you are in the wrong here.

I agree. OP, he knows he's been semi caught out. He's been away from home and now had penty of time to rehearse how he continues explaining this situation. I know you clearly arent a "snooper" and find the thought of this very uncomfortable, but I'd really start keeping far closer tabs on his phone and emails for starters. He's already lied to you!! One- by not admitting the friendship had ever begun. Two- by several meetings he didn't tell you about. Three- when asked by you what he'd been up to one day, he lied. Why are you happy to continue asking him more and willing to take his word for it?

OP it might be worth reading the book 'not just friends' as it covers various situations and might be useful in thinking of what you want to do next. Take your time its hard with these things where its a shock. Crushes are one thing but you don't go to the cinema with them and its not like they each bought their own ticket. Its not fair on you or respectful of your feelings to have been treated like this. If you brush it off your dh will think you're ok with it and just carry on.

How many of the crushes did you secretly meet, possibly spend two nights with, definitely meet every day in a coffee shop, and buy cinema tickets for? Oh, and forget to mention to him?

Please don't mistake wanting to believe him and think that he's a decent man with him actually being a decent man. His actions scream far louder than the few words he's offered.

I would snoop through emails etc, but if he doesn't use mobiles to contact her - I doubt he will keep in contact via his usual email. He will probably use a web based email.

I said earlier that it is not my place to tell you how to react to this, but if you are willing to forgive and move on - read him the bloody riot act.
I would have bin bagged him to be honest, but I if you want to stay together please tell him in no uncertain terms that he puts the brakes on this now.
If he thinks it's okay with you - he will take this further and have an affair right under your nose.

There will be no meets up with this woman and her husband - I really can't see that happening.

If the OH is legit ( doubtful ), or at least wants to appear legit and prove it was only ever platonic, then he would happily organize a couple´s meet up with his lady friend and her OH. If I was the OP I would actually be insisting upon it tbh, but his reaction when the OP suggests this would be quite telling perhaps. Will he be reluctant or eager?

I think that´s far better than just outright banning him from seeing her anyway. Yes it won´t stop anything developing in the future perhaps, but it might just stop this lunacy and nip an emotional affair ( or one-sided infatuation ) in the bud. Then the OP and her OH aren´t just some faceless strangers ( to the opposing partners ) to be imagined away in their little fantasy world.

I meant the OP and the other woman´s other half! Time for bed

,

It may feel like we're haranguing you, OP, and pushing you into a corner, trying to force your eyes open to see something you're unwilling or not ready to see. Some of us may seem a little shouty, a little judgy.

Remember that we are concerned for you, and we are on your side.

We, in turn, will try to remember that people come to things at their own pace, and sometimes it's hard to accept things you don't want to believe. We will be supportive and NOT UNKIND. (Glares at overly-harsh MNers)

Why can you all not accept that OP does not want to jump to the agenda being set on here.
She is married to her DH, she should surely be the one to set her own agenda. ?

Not everyone wants to know if their 'DH' or 'DW' is having an affair. There are plenty of spouses who have so much going on in their lives (OP is main breadwinner, moved countries, has children) that husband/wife's affair can be ignored in the hope that it will 'blow over' and the whole horrendous upset of divorce/child custody/ moving countries can be avoided. This course of action is also common for couples who don't live overseas. Look at all the 'my boyfriend won't leave his wife' threads...

If you are the main breadwinner working overseas, the work involved in setting up your life there, is not done in 5 minutes. It's not just like asking him to move out and live down the road , seeing the dcs EOW !!
As The OP has moved overseas for her job, it's a fair bet that the visas they have are based on her being in work. If they separate , her DH may lose this visa and have to return to UK. (He may wish to return to UK anyway) As he works from home, he could make a good case for custody of the children. OP could find herself in a position where she has to make decisions such as leaving her job or losing her children.

These are all real, practical consequences of 'knowing ' about an affair..

For many many people both male and female, letting it (an affair) blow itself out is a valid path. Its not 'the mumsnet way ' but I know many many couples for whom this strategy has worked and the marriage has gone on to be long happy and successful. To forgive or not to forgive infidelity is a choice that only you can make OP, there is no right or wrong way.

That said, it's not an easy path to take as the 'not knowing' would drive most people potty. It helps to have a very busy life where the time to obsess over this is minimal - which it sounds like you have.

For my part - having lived the 'ex-pat' life (a long long time ago) I am with the poster who thinks your DH has been flattered by the attractive, bored ex-pat wife, who has little to entertain her day and has set her eyes on your DH (fresh meat ) Women such as this do indeed exist in ex pat communities. It happens because most 'workers' are the men and the women either don't work because of visa restrictions or choose not to because the salary earned by their DH affords them that choice. It isn't long however before daily shopping/gym/golf/ bridge with the same bunch of people becomes very very dull. Other 'diversions' are sought...

I would meet up as a couple , you will soon distinguish 'the type' and fire a few 'warning shots across her bows' whilst spelling out very clearly the standards of honesty, truth and disclosure expected of your DH in this marriage.

Yes yes that's the healthy way to deal with it. Bottle it up. Squash it all down into the queasy out of your stomach. Pretend it's not happening and keep yourself busy to avoid thinking about it. Sweep it under the carpet to fester and niggle away we your sanity

The 1950s is on the phone Marylin. They want their advice back.

Yes yes that's the healthy way to deal with it. Bottle it up. Squash it all down into the queasy pit of your stomach. Pretend it's not happening and keep yourself busy to avoid thinking about it. Sweep it under the carpet to fester and niggle away at your sanity 

The 1950s is on the phone Marylin. They want their advice back.

Oops sorry about the double post

Marilyn- Yes people can sometimes overcome infidelity IF it is dealt with properly with complete honesty, genuine remorse and a lot of hard work. Ignoring it and hoping it goes away is quite frankly utterly disastrous.

The 1950s is on the phone Marylin. They want their advice back

Highlight of my morning so far

fwiw carson my DH did something very similar and I felt as you do - that it was a bit rubbish that he's looking for female friendships at times when you aren't around and that he wasn't honest - but what else can you do? It's not grounds for walking out on a marriage at this point, is it? Maybe it's a sign that you both need to start doing more together?

Have the OW and her husband over. Talk openly about how sneaking off to the cinema together and nights out together while you are away isn't on, oh and make it clear that you don't want them socialising during the day together.

See how that goes.

Marilyn Not everyone on here is yelling ¨LTB¨ to be fair. I´m under no illusion just how difficult that would be on a practical and emotional level. I´m totally of the opinion that the OP can certainly work through this with her OH ( at least, if it hasn´t turned physical and is only the very beginnings of a crush/EA ) but in order to do so she needs to take action, starting with speaking with him frankly, which she is going to do anyway.

I think to just hope it all ¨blows over¨ is terrible advice, even if the OP did choose to do so, it´d be wrong on every level.

Bitoutofpractice You are funny

Marilyn if the op didn't care about the infidelity, she wouldn't have posted. She's also said up thread that she does care.

You might choose to ignore it, most won't. Or can't.

they are now choosing to spend possible bed time watching film or drinking coffee - well you have only his word for that? They may have gone to the cinema but how do you know they have coffee together? They may have met in a coffee shop but you don't actually have any idea of what they get up to together.

You are kidding yourself if you think that when you questioned your husband directly about what he did with his day he "forgot" that he met another woman and went to the movies in the middle of the day!

I hope you're doing ok, OP.
This must be horrible for you. 'That knot' in your stomach must be horrendous.
You deserve to know the truth & whatever it might be, I hope you have good real life support.
When is your H back from his business trip?