Should I say anything or just leave it?

[CarsonTheButler]

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

He's got a nice little life all set up hasn't he? Trips around the town, popping into coffee shops, daytime cinema visits with a woman 'friend.' And a wife who doesn't seem to mind.

I wouldn't say I "don't mind", exactly.

You know what they say. The eyes are useless when the mind is blind.

I go to a different coffee shop most days on my way to work. I can almost predict who will be there. Some people you can set your watch by.

So can I. I even have chats with some of them, ask them how their week is going and things. That's worlds away from going to the coffee shop to meet someone, accidentally ending up in the cinema together, spending nights out together. He's feeding you absolute balls and you're accepting it because you don't want to believe that he's up to no good.

Think about it. He's been happier because he's doing things with her. He's keeping himself busy planning and going on dates and then playing stupid and failing to mention her. He's staying out til midnight and not mentioning it, going to films and keeping them secret. He bought both tickets. Bit presumptuous if they are just coffee shop buddies, right?

It's fine to live with this, if that's what you decide what you want to do - although I'd worry that he's currently such a lovesick puppy that she has complete control over your life. Don't lie to yourself, though, that way madness lies.

Would you rather that he had the affair, as long as he stays?

There's something numbing this for you.

I hope it's innocent, Carson, and your husband isn't about to break your heart. Please don't stay for the lifestyle of the kids. That isn't fair. If he is cheating of course.

Blimey. Sounds well dodgy to me.

The cinema story is ridiculous
If it's raining you pop into a cafe to wait for it to stop. You don't pop into a cinema! Especially if you have a school run to do in 2 hours! Just what? They must have arranged to meet. They are still at the friends stage but it's not a casual friendship, otherwise he would have told you about her.
He didn't fail to tell you because you're likely to be unreasonable, but because his unconscious mind knows he's interested in some level and that he is doing something vaguely wrong so he avoided talking about her so as to keep pretending to himself that all is fine.
I don't think you need to divorce the motherfucker but if I were you I would tell him that you believe he probably likes her more than a married man should like a married woman - and that he's only human and things like this happen - but in order to keep the friendship where it should be he needs to not see her alone like this any more and should invite her to meet you along with her husband in order to make everyone real. If he objects then you have a problem.

There is no way on earth I would be letting this go, and to be honest I am struggling to see why you are so reluctant to take this further. I do understand the fear of what you may find out but this will niggle away at you. And knowledge is power.

I personally would be going through everything. Does he have whatsapp/any other messaging services? Go through these. Look for 'blocked numbers'. Go through his contacts list on his phone- it is easy to add a number to another to 'hide' it. Look at downloads and saved photos in his phone- I know with whatsapp your contact's profile pictures can automatically save to a folder which he may not know about.

You trust your husband and want to believe him. You know him- we don't. But he has kept this from you for a reason, and that alone is highly inappropriate. He WILL minimise- sadly they all do.

Ah op you don't sound ridiculous, you sound like a lot of us who have suspicions but beleve the excuses as the alternative is just too hideous to contemplate.
I'm a very strong and fierce kind of woman but I turned Into a whimpering wreck when I was faced with my entire life crumbling and my future hugely uncertain.

Take some time to digest it all.
Remember he did lie and is in fact spending time with another woman rather than you.
Evaluate what you think is acceptable and how he would react if you did the same thing.
Then have another conversation with him.

I wouldn't say I "don't mind", exactly.

OP, you seem to be a few steps behind where you ought to be if you had put 2 and 2 together from the information that you have. Is there some other issue affecting this matter that you have not put in your posts, or is it simply that you are in shock?

Simple things first.

Was it raining the day they went to the cinema?

I am not over the moon that DH appears to have a female friend he didn't tell me about til I outright asked him. Of course I don't know why he chose not to tell me, he says it was because he forgot when he first met her but why he didn't mention it second time, well I can only assume it's because he fancies her a little bit or something. I don't think he would actively pursue another woman or go out of his way to sleep with anyone else but I can see how he maybe didn't mention it to me because he would have to explain all about meeting her in November and why he said nothing then.

I do believe what he has said about her and their "relationship". Without wishing to be unkind or take away from his many good qualities, DH isn't the kind of guy women would go mad over on first meeting- he is definitely a slow-burner.

I don't know if he spent those two late nights back in November with her (or if the they even actually happened, as I explained earlier, DD may have got confused) though I am assuming if he did it didn't get physical, as they are now choosing to spend possible bed time watching film or drinking coffee, which you just wouldn't do if it was some sort of torrid affair.

I'm not going to go snooping among his internet stuff for now and I don't have access to his phone. I'm going to take his word on everything for now, enjoy this week with DCs and speak to DH after he gets back on Friday. I don't know exactly what I am going to say but it's definitely going to be along the lines of that I am upset he didn't mention his new friend and it bothers me that he is spending time with a woman who isn't me. I kind of know what his response is going to be- that he doesn't see her that much, that they're just passing acquaintances who bump into each other now and again, but I just want him to know that it has upset me and maybe give him a signal that what he does in his own time still affects me and our DCs. Not sure what else I can do, really.

Yes, it was raining the day they went to the cinema. It was absolutely p*ssing down all afternoon and into the night. Many floods everywhere. The cinema is equidistant between town centre and our house, it is entirely possible he was caught in a downpour on the way home and went in.

But "bed time" isn't easy to come by during the day, especially in a small place where you might bump into someone you know, and when your homes are occupied by nannies and children. Hence a dark and relatively anonymous cinema..,,

You do "bed time" when your wife is away, or you are on a trip. It's horrible. Anyway, butting out now, and I hope it all works out for you.

Op, you must do what you feel is right for your marriage and your family, but please don't think that affairs are all about sex and that he must be innocent if they're meeting in cafes and cinemas.

My ex met his ow in all sorts of unlikely places, and sex was just a part of it. They met at motorway service stations for coffee, parks for picnics and even supermarkets. I think we all remember those early days, when you can't get enough of each other's company and will grab whatever time you can.

Please nip this in the bud. It isn't innocent and if left unchallenged it could develop into something that could threaten your family life regardless of your willingness to turn a blind eye.

Oh god we are all screaming at you from behind our screens shouting "Wake up, OP!". We aren't warning you because we like a bit of drama, we are warning you because it's very, very dodgy!

Some women don't mind sharing their dhs especially if they live in a nice house and have a nice lifestyle and don't want to lose it.

Or they do mind but choose to turn a blind eye.

Goodness knows what happens to the state of mind of those women though.

Just to point out I earn more than DH and am not turning a blind eye because I don't want to lose our house.

I am going to ask DH about her again, when he gets back. I think he has a silly crush on her and doesn't want to admit it. I don't think he has serious intentions concerning her.

Ah, just a silly crush! Boys will be boys eh?

Does he prefer to see you as his mother?

A quick trawl through this board will give you dozens of stories from people in the early stages of an affair - to them it does not feel like a silly crush, even if it looks like it from the outside. Don't underestimate it op, and I speak from experience.

Jesus Christ, it pains me to see women infantilising these deceitful men.

OP I asked DH if he'd ever consider going to the cinema with a female friend he has and briefly summarised your situation. He said cinema much more intimate/romantic as sitting next to each other in the dark etc than just a coffee. As the child of a dad who had serial affairs, please don't be so naive and delude yourself by dismissing a "silly crush". It's pretty major!! It's already a betrayal, it's already him thinking about and spending time with another woman. Instead of you. She's probably already on a pedestal for him. She's making him happier, as you have also said. Men fall in lust, hard, then love, a "silly crush" is the start of this process and dangerous...please wake up and start to keep tracks, force yourself.

I've certainly had a couple of crushes on other men since I've been with DH. Not done a thing about them or told DH about them either. I knew they were unrealistic, fleeting and not worth pursuing.

OP that's the difference between men and women I'm afraid.