Should I say anything or just leave it?

[CarsonTheButler]

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

In a way I would be more worried by the 'spring in his step' than anything. If you have have noticed he's perked up he is obviously excited by his new friend that he forgot to tell you about.

If you want to stay together nip this in the bud.
Don't turn a blind eye as it will carry on and escalate.

I am reading your messages and I do appreciate all of them. The "tough love" ones are hard to read but I definitely need to hear them. I just don't have much to add at the moment at DH is away til Friday. Hopefully I will get the chance to speak to him over the weekend about this and to explain how much he has upset me by spending time (and I really do believe they haven't been up to anything physical- DH just isn't that quick a mover) with someone else. Not sure I am ready to be introduced to her or if I will ever want to.

Just to clear a couple of things up- we are expats but this isn't an expat community. We've assimilated into local population and feel like we live here as opposed to just staying. Our last location was definitely an expat bubble (complete with predatory wives and (mainly) husbands) so our situation is a little different from how some of you have been imagining.

The main reason burying my head in the sand is so tempting is because I still believe there is good stuff between DH and me and we work really well as a team with our DCs, always have done. DCs are so happy here, which in turn makes me happy of course, and it breaks my heart to think they could be hurt if I go digging. I know that makes no sense really, as some of you have pointed out, kids can be really perceptive but at the moment I'm confident DCs sense or know nothing about any of this.

Blimey Marilyn that is shit advice.

I know couples who have overcome affairs, but not 'turned a blind eye'.

Do you really know 'many many' couples who have done this? Couples who won't acknowledge an affair to their own spouse but are happy to share the information with people outside the marriage, such as yourself? Are they really happy or do the wives paint on a happy public persona?

My advice is not necessarily to LTB, but ignoring it is a certain path to a worse situation. Maybe that's him lying in bed next to you, smelling of her. Maybe that's you crying yourself to sleep because you know he isn't really where he says he is. Maybe that's him packing his bags and leaving.

Maybe it'll blow over quick enough to not damage your marriage or family, maybe it won't. Doing nothing is a huge gamble. Doing nothing is the worst possible advice IMO.

Op the way to maintain your and the DC 's happy life is NOT to ignore this. It's really not. For your DCs' sake you need to address this. I'm not saying LTB necessarily. I'm truly not. But ignoring this is a sure fire oath to disaster. If you truly have a relationship with your DH that has a future that has to be based on honesty from both of you. At the moment you are both being...let's be generous and say disingenuous

Much as a part of me wants to, I'm not going to ignore it and I am going to speak to DH. What happens after that depends on what DH has to say. Whatever the scenario, I am going to tell him how he has made me feel and that he can't go on meeting this woman in any capacity.

Good luck op. I hope it works out, I really do.

I so wish I could go back in time and do what you're about to, and so does stbxh actually. We've both lost so much, and are both full of regret. Even if it had ultimately ended the same way, I could've said I'd tried.

I hope he realises what he stands to lose and acts accordingly.

If this were DH I'd go fucking ORBITAL 😡😡😡

No way it's innocent. If it had been, he'd have mentioned it. You don't just forget that sort of thing - "Oh I went to the cinema with a new friend who I forgot about. Oh and I forgot about the cinema trip too! Especially when you asked about it! Gosh what a silly billy I am!" 🙄🙄🙄

Bo-LOCKS!

I think that's a bit unrealistic Carson, tbh. Tellin him not to see her. Cos it'll probably just make him even more furtive and deceitful and he'll carry on anyway. How would u know differently if u aren't here and he works frm home?
Just curious as to why you don't wanna meet her? Surely it's a good acid test to gauge his reaction and obv meeting her with him and her OH u can assess the situation more accurately. Just my thoughts but I don't think your way will work if I'm honest.
He's gonna keep seein her about anyway if it's a small town and they frequent the same coffee shop.

I'm not really under any illusion that is it completely innocent, I think DH fancies this woman and more than likely "accidentally on purpose" bumps into her. But I really don't think he has done anything about it.

I'm hoping that when he knows how much this has hurt me, he will stop this. Maybe I am being too optimistic, I'm not sure. A week ago I would have said my husband would do anything I asked him to if I said it hurt me

So what makes u think he'll stop just cos u say so? Even if u threaten to leave etc he may call your bluff. I just think laying down the law like that could make things worse.
Unless ur gonna hire a Private Investigator and really leave if it turns into a full blown affair.
You're currently in a position to possibly nip this in the bud by demanding to be introduced and take it frm there. U don't even know her last name! Wot if he just gets sneaky? Do u want that sort of mistrust in your marriage? Esp as you've a lot to lose and u say you're a good team.

I think he will stop because he knows I know now and he will know how much it is hurting me and what is at risk if he carries on.

I don't know what good knowing her surname would do, does it really make any difference to any of this?

You must have days off work right?

How about you turn up at the coffee shop?
Do you even know which one he, sorry 'they' frequent?

Do you and you DH ever stroll through the town, stopping for coffee or maybe take in a film now and again.

You know - all those coupley things couples like to do?

This is what's bothering me about this. He's doing things with her, that he should be doing with his wife. You.

You need to at least go to the coffee shop (when they're there).

Know thine enemy and all that

I think you are doing the right thing op. Talk to him on Friday. Tell him the situation as you see it. Then watch and see what his reaction is. Judge him by his actions from now on. I wish you good luck

I meant that you don´t know a thing about her. You can find out a lot more if you guys actually met up. Why wouldn´t you want to meet her?

I´d be interested how he is gonna continuously avoid her if they go to the same cafe. And if he bumps into her by accident he has to say ¨I´m not allowed to talk to you cos my wife told me to¨....but if you can see this happening then fair enough. You are there, I´m not, you know your husband better than me.

I obviously totally think it´s reasonable that things like going to the movies should stop though, if it´s just the 2 of them anyway. You are obv feeling threatened by her though. I just feel it´s better to ¨know thy enemy¨ that´s all.

Possibly I would feel better if I met her and knew more about her. I will admit I am very curious. However, the thought of actually seeing her fills me with dread at the moment.

Will update when I have spoken to DH. Thanks again for all comments and replies.

Seeing her will make her 'real'

understandable.

I am back from work now, to answer my critics (because despite having 8 children I work full time and always have done- without benefit of nannys/cleaners etc - how terribly 1950's of me !)

I offered my advice as an alternative to the baying of all the usual suspects who think that the moment anything untoward happens in a marriage, the default response is to up sticks and leave/kick him out. As so it's like changing the bloody bedsheets.

I was simply offering another perspective that many many couples do 'let it blow over'.. At no point did I say OP should do that, simply that it is an option.

I felt OP was being pushed (in some posts bullied) in to dealing with things she didn't want to face before she was ready to do so. Yes, people do let it go. No, there isn't always a full admittance of culpability and a complete dissection of events that lead to the infidelity. Some people aren't built like that. Sometimes the cheated on spouse cannot bear to here the details. (I know I wouldn't want to - but then again I would not be able to forgive at all)

How people deal with infidelity is not proscribed by law. There are many different ways/reactions , none are 'more right' than others. (if this is infidelity which I personally don't believe it is for one minute)

I have to say I had a bf that did this, not a husband but a bf in a committed relationship.

I saw texts to another woman on his phone. Innocent at the time. Just said "might cu l8r" cringe at awful text speak

He was going to take me to meet her that day as she was a "friend of his". I didnt like it and said no.

Well he lied to me, they became more friendly, and he left her form me and lied. I didnt find out for ages he left her for me.

The one thing I regret doing that day is not meeting her. She seeing I was his gf etc, seeing me in that capacity. If they know the man has a gf/wife but never seem them together, it remains in the abstract and perhaps easier for them to justify continue with. I wouldnt rule out meet her with dh and a group and her her see you as a couple.

There is much talk of meeting in the coffee shop (and bumping into her in there) but we don't know if coffee shops really have anything to do with this.

The fact you do have - is that he went to the cinema with a woman, everything else is only what he has told you.

How he met her or arranges to meet her we don't know. He will be minimising, so who knows.

I hope that your discussion with him will frighten him into putting a stop to this.

Pickled is right.

Coffee shops may have nothing to do with it.
He could be 'meeting her' anywhere.

The only thing you have solid proof for is the cinema, plus he has admitted to meeting up with her several times. I think he has told you the care/coffee shop, because in his mind, a cafe is a neutral place to mention.
He thinks you will be OK with that. As 'we meet up in a cafe' sounds innocent.
But as to where these 'meetings' took place and what happened at those meetings is anybody's guess.

cafe/coffee shop, not care.

IME exH and OW did not meet for 'coffee', they met at a bar, a pathetic but classic minimiser terminology change.

OP, you do not want to meet his 'friend' but I think you might look at your reasons why not. If this relationship escalates you may miss the chance if you do not do it now. It doesn't have to be arranged, you can simply drop in wherever he happens to be.

After all, he is your husband.

Marilyn there has been no baying. The only crazily extreme advice has been your "make like an ostrich" approach frankly