Should I say anything or just leave it?

[CarsonTheButler]

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

And there is ALWAYS time to make it physical.

Sorry OP, I've just realised I haven't been helpful. He'll be on his guard now too and will be deleting messages etc.

Your best bet is to do what other posters have said. Quietly start making plans and keep your eyes open.

All that dilys has said, so sorry. Now that you know DH lies to you, you need to make your own mind up about the truth through separate channels.

I feel you may not as yet be ready to accept what is looking you in the face. The constraints that you have placed for yourself are: your investment in the relationship, how leaving will affect DC and how you will manage in your current location. All are surmountable in my own experience and that of others, as I am certain they can testify and offer you solutions.

I would urge you not to use these solvable issues to remain with a cheater as who, if the truth be told, will not be visited by a vision from heaven never to cheat again.

Unless, of course, you are willing to accept your current situation for fear of loss of . The thing is, none of these are irreplaceable IME.

I don't know that DH was with her on the two nights he was out late when I was away. Although it does co-incide with the time he met her, he would have to be one fast mover to have met her and spent two nights with her. Even if that was the case, why would they then go back to coffee dates? I also think DD could have got times etc confused and thought DH maybe came in later than he did. She goes to bed quite early during the week and you know what it's like, you've been asleep and wake up and it's dark and you think it's the middle of the night. I know I do that a lot.

I have some time today to look at his PC but I am still not sure I should. I have never felt the need to double check what he says to me before and to be honest, I do believe him now. Yes, it is a bit suspect, "forgetting" to tell me about going to the movies but my husband is a bit like that all round. Not exactly a scatterbrain but on occasion, something like that.

I don't know her full name otherwise I would look her up. What this would achieve I have no idea but I think I would feel better if I found her FB profile and she was quite plain. Can't explain whey I think that, though.

Just read that back and I sound ridiculous. DH just seemed so believable, though.

I always believed my DH when he was lying too OP, very convincing with eye contact and everything. The result is now I don't believe a word he says, or trust him. I don't think you will just forget about this now you have suspicions, you really need to check further.

Well it coincides with the time he says he met her. Maybe that's when they met, maybe that's when it got physical, we don't know. He has now had plenty of time and warning to delete anything from the PC and any phone messages, and is likely to be much more careful now. Every day you'll be asking 'did you see her today' or 'what did you do today' and you won't know if it's true or not until you catch him out again.

Why hasn't he told you her full name, shown you her facebook or shown you anything about her? You say he was honest seeming (yes, they all are), but actually, all you got out of him was he met her when you went away (under what circumstances) became close enough to be a friend he hangs out with and goes to the cinema if it starts raining immediately forgot about meeting her, and forgot every time since to mention to you when he seen her, and forgot he went to the cinema and saw a big blockbuster film or met with anyone that day (he definitely didn't forget this - he lied to you about where he was and what he did and who with), and he claims not to know much about her. What have they talked about on all these coffee dates then?

Can you get a voice activated recorder for his office and/or car? You need to know the truth and you're not going to get it from him - at least not until he knows that you already know. Good luck OP.

DH just seemed so believable, though.

He would do, the stakes are high.

He says he doesn't know her full name or phone number. They aren't friends on Facebook (I have looked at his friends list). I did ask questions about her and he answered some of them, others he said he didn't know. He said they mainly talk about the local area and things to do here.

Not sure I could bring myself to snoop win a voice recorder.

I am sorry to say this - but people who have affairs don't just meet up for sex.
They will also meet up for coffee dates, cinema visits or even a quick chat in a parked car.

If my husband was meeting somebody for cinema dates I would want to know her surname. In fact, to be brutally honest I would ask him what the hell he was playing at (as he would if I had been on a cinema date and coffee meet ups with a man he had never heard of who had suddenly appeared in to my life).

If I was in your shoes, I would be totally livid - but I am not and it is not my business to tell you how to react to this.
One thing I wouldn't do is turn a blind eye and let it go on. I would tell him that a secret life is not acceptable and to end it now.

I wouldn't bother with a voice recorder, it could malfunction or be found if installed by an amateur (i.e. you).

IMO his phone call and message records (including Whats app, Snapchat and so on), itemised phone bill, emails - not forgetting the sent, draft, archive and trash pages, will give you an idea over time of what is going on. Sooner or later he will slip up if he is playing away.

Take care, but don't be ashamed at doing these things, this information is yours by right if it affects you personally, IMVHO. A person who gets indignant and defensive about that has something to hide.

He says he doesn't know her full name or phone number.

Then how has he been making arrangements to meet with her for these innocent friendship activities?

Unfortunately he will have plenty of time this week to delete all incriminating evidence, including emails, Skype etc. So at this point searching his PC might be pretty pointless anyway.

TBH OP your post at 14:26 today sounded like your attempt to sing yourself back to sleep witha soothing lullaby. And I can understand your reasoning for that. Many, many women choose to live by "don't ask don't tell" and it works for them. However, if you are doing this, do it with your eyes open and your plans made. Do NOT allow this man to financially fuck you while he fucks someone else. Have a backup plan in place of what you will do if he suddenly decides to leave. Don't sign up to any financial committments that you wouldn't be able to service without him. Work on your own career and network so that if he goes, you won't feel utterly lost. And always make him wear a condom because IME men in their 40s upwards are terrible at safe sex.

Op it is clear you don't really want to believe what is happening.

You do not want to seek further evidence of an affair. You want to believe him and his innocence.

That is all well and good but it isn't going to stop him. The new woman has made him happy and is filling him with new energy and zest for life, good on you for being happy for him and his new found joy.

Where do you want to be in all this? Perhaps meeting up as a foursome is a good idea, then you and her husband can plan some dates together?

Put yourself first op, what do you want?

Yeah, i'd be agreeing to the meet up and I'd ask her in front of her husband if she enjoyed Deadpool. Let's see if the husband was told if she went to the cinema. I already can't believe your husband "forgot" this but her also forgetting...nah!

You seem to be reacting like this would just be a physical affair - it might not be. It could well be that he spent those nights with/close to her, and now they are doing coffee dates and cinema trips because those are fun dates with someone that you like.

He didn't tell you. He's following the script. He didn't reveal anything, now he's revealed just enough that your instinct wants to grab onto it and hope for the best. He's banking on you believing him and wanting to brush this under the carpet. As you slowly find out more, he'll reveal more... It's how it goes. He'll always minimise because it's easier to get forgiveness.

I get that you want to trust your husband, and believe that he wouldn't hurt you. The facts suggest that this is at the very least an emotional affair, and it's had the potential to go physical...

It's not just a friendship, or it wouldn't have been a secret. He'd have told you how he spent those nights when you were away, he'd have mentioned his new friend, he'd have told you that he is meeting her for coffee every day and that they were going to the cinema. He didn't, because she's not a friend.

whiskey has a good idea - would be very interesting to put her on the spot and see if she told her husband about the 'non-date'!

DH says they've never made any formal plans to meet up, they just bump into each other in town. It's a small town, it's not improbable. Especially as they both use the same coffee place. I see the same people around in places I go too.

DH says they've never made any formal plans to meet up

Well that's ok, then. Thanks god its all innocent because for one silly moment I thought DH was in the habit of lying to you.

they just bumped into each other, both with the same weekday afternoon off work and both happened to have no plans so were able to 'duck into' a cinema out of the rain
Then on top of that very believable story, he totally forgot about this ordinary event with a woman whos last name he doesnt know, when you questioned him mere hours later about what he'd been up to that day?
very plausible...

They've met up 4-5 times, for coffee and movies, but these are always chance encounters?

They only went to the cinema because it started raining? I can't remember any time in my life where I was chatting in the street and, when it started to rain, I suggested we pop in to the nearby cinema to see whichever film was about to start. It's just crazy! Why not pop into a coffee shop or a doorway?

He has no way of contacting her but thinks you should all meet up and do something together, how would he arrange this without a phone number?

He's telling you the bare minimum that he can get away with telling you, and none of it adds up.

It's early days. He doesn't love her or anything daft like that. Tell him to move out, give him the shock of his life and show you mean business, it might be enough to bring him back to earth (if you still want him).

Having been in a similar situation, I would advocate doing what Songbird suggests.

I didn't, and wish I had acted in this way when I was first properly suspicious. I think it would have focused his mind, and the situation wouldn't have degenerated.

It seems extreme, but will save a lot of heartache down the line. I know it all seems unbelievable, and perhaps even a bit trivial to act so drastically, but it's not. He's lied to you and you know really, I think, that there is more to it.

I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Nothing he has said sounds unbelievable or outright lies when he says it.

I go to a different coffee shop most days on my way to work. I can almost predict who will be there. Some people you can set your watch by.

Anchor I agree. At the end of the day, if you cut all this back to the bare bones....He has met with a woman on several occasions and not saw fit to mention it to you. Did it slip his mind on ALL of these occasions, to mention her to you??

So that in and of itself is inappropriate behaviour and suspicious imo. If I only found out, by finding cinema tickets, that my husband had met with a woman on several occasions and never mentioned it once I´d be smelling a big fat rat!

Nobody does this, no matter how absent minded. Explain it away if you like but these trysts would still be going on now if you hadn´t found those tickets. And if you´re away on business he´ll probably go into overdrive! While the cat´s away etc....

He´s deliberately failed to mention her to you for a reason. Would he ever have told you, had you not found out yourself, I wonder......And didn´t you say he said approx 25 times that they were just friends, when you pulled him about the tickets?? How many red flags do you need OP?

We´ll see how forthcoming and enthusiastic to arrange a get together he is with her and her husband once he returns shall we? But he´s probably gonna be very careful now cos you´ve rumbled his little secret, so any evidence or clues will be pretty hard to find I reckon.

I´ve said prev if it was all innocent he would be telling you about her straight away cos he´s made a friend and a potential friend for you. He would be keen for you both to meet. It´s not normal behaviour I´m afraid.

Turn it around OP, would you forget to mention to him that you were having dates with another man?

But OP he has outright lied. By omission. Forgetting you've met a new person, you could argue is possible. Forgetting to tell your wife the next four or five times you've met up with this person - Really not very likely.

There's also no way he could just be conveniently bumping into this person all the time OP. Stop minimising this.