Should I say anything or just leave it?

[CarsonTheButler]

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

EA = emotional affair.

OW might be single for all we know and not cheating on anyone!
Moreover, she might think the OP's H is single (or in some unhappy and sex free relationship like lots of men who embark on an affair assure OW)

S arson from an observers point of view you seem too nice for your own good. No contact means nada, zilch cross the road to avoid her, NOT blithely arranging to meet for coffee tomorrow, that is seriously flipping you the bird!!
He sounds utterly brainless and incapable of covering his tracks. I would observe them in the coffee shop before dropping her in it with her husband, it is possible that your husband is behaving like a love struck teenager and she is totally unaware.

Try hat is massively unlikely though!!

*that

Nodowntime is right, she could be single. Yes my ex told his current wife we were in separate rooms, were separated and looking into divorce and hadn't had sex for 6 months, none of which was true.

OP shouldn't and won't do a big show down. That doesn't sound like her style at all and I think she would regret it

The problem is with her H right now. Not the OW who, as far as we know, has done nothing wrong

I'm sure OP said she was married.

I do have a lot of sympathy about the 20 years you have spent and not wanting to throw them away, but I do wonder what is the value of spending another 20 with someone you don't trust.

You gave him a chance to redeem himself and cut contact - he didn't. Whatever he says if you confront him again is irrelevant, he's proven that he will lie to while having an apparently open and honest conversation. All that will happen in future is he will cover his tracks and continue doing what he likes with no concern for you.

I've been with someone like him. It's a cliche, but if they fall for the attentions of a younger woman once they'll do it again and again. If they lie to your face once he'll do it again and again.

You have to face up to the fact that this is who he is. And I'm so, so sorry for that

"I do have a lot of sympathy about the 20 years you have spent and not wanting to throw them away, but I do wonder what is the value of spending another 20 with someone you don't trust. "

Yes I'd forgotten about the sunken costs fallacy. There's a poster who writes very eloquently and persuasively on this I forget who.

Is this the "Pick me dance" people refer to on here? If so Carson, please don't degrade yourself. I agree with Belikethat. It may be out of your hands anyway, which it looks like it currently is. You can't force or threaten a person to stay with you if they don't want to.

And would you really want to share your husband?? Which would be utterly gross btw, as well as bloody degrading. If so then you're back to square 1 where you contemplated turning a blind eye!

Hope you're formulating a plan of action which doesn't involved sweeping this big, white elephant in the room under the carpet!

Do you know her address? I'd be so frigging livid that his shithead is enjoying living a double life and duping you. Or thinking he is. You really do deserve better you know.

What use are 20yrs of happy memories when he's currently treating you like this? Kind of makes a mockery of your marriage and your faith in him wouldn't you say? He's pissing all over your commitment, and happy memories from 2 decades of marriage don't seem to count for shit as far as he's concerned!

Op, don't let him treat you and your children like this.

Bacon it's Atilla. I was thinking of that too.... Seriously pointless rationalizing that. The past is done and counts for shit if you're married to a wanker. Draw a line under it and get free, I say.

Do you want him to pick you just because she decides she doesn't want him.....

Maybe. That would probably be good enough for me.

SoThatHappened For real?? Who wants to be the gonk at the fairground? The Booby Prize! It's like he can't have what he really wants so he has to have the Consolation Prize instead, i.e The Gonk!!

Can't believe a woman would devalue herself so badly. Your self-worth must be in your boots? Better to be single than with some cheating arsehole who's just waiting for the next bit of fluff who might entertain him. Dignity is a "thing" you know?!

Can't believe a woman would devalue herself so badly. Your self-worth must be in your boots? Better to be single than with some cheating arsehole who's just waiting for the next bit of fluff who might entertain him. Dignity is a "thing" you know?!

Yeah self esteem is in my boots. Been cheated on by 3 out of 5 boyfriends. Lots of other shit.

If my last cheating ex split up with the one he dumped me for who knows....

SoThatHappened

At the risk of sounding like a total knob psychiatrist - you need to stay out of relationships completely until you love yourself a bit more. You are far more than just some knobby man's opinion of you.

At the risk of sounding like a total knob psychiatrist - you need to stay out of relationships completely until you love yourself a bit more. You are far more than just some knobby man's opinion of you.

Ive never loved myself, never will. Every relationship I've had they've never put me first. Maybe I'm not worth it.

Maybe the OP is on level feeling the same. She is grasping at hope that maybe she will reject him so she can have her husband back. You dont see that said often on here...but I think and feel like that too so I wondered if the OP has some issues as I do.

You pick the wrong men. You are attracted to men that treat you like crap because you believe you are crap.

I know the cycle intimately because I was in it for years. Break it and it's amazing how quickly you can discover your worth.

Sounds like patronising bullshit, I know.

It's too late to break it. I'm not going to meet anyone now.

it doesnt sound patronising.

So I think you've just been really unlucky. I've had shithead men in the early days cos I was brought up in a dysfunctional household. Plays havoc with your self-confidence/esteem etc. Lots of women have dickhead men, usually due to bad luck or low standards.

It's seriously best to be single for a good while and focus your energies on what you want out of life and what makes you happy. Spend time on other areas like career, education, hobbies, friends...these things can all improve your self-esteem etc hugely. Literally don't even put men on the priority list. Prioritize yourself.

I hardly ever post on these threads, but this one had grabbed me for some reason.

The OP has already said that she's not great at expressing her feelings and tends to bottle stuff up. I don't see her doing the 'pick me' dance but trying to rationalise it in her mind to find a way of dealing with it which makes sense in the situation.

I know she's said the tough love messages are helpful, but I think it's worth bearing in mind that she's trying to deal with a big time curve ball in her own way. Overly brutal posts and denigration of her might not be that useful.

sothathappened. I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself. Some horrible men have done a total number on you. You seem to have had some terrible luck but please don't give up on yourself like that...

So I think you've just been really unlucky. I've had shithead men in the early days cos I was brought up in a dysfunctional household. Plays havoc with your self-confidence/esteem etc. Lots of women have dickhead men, usually due to bad luck or low standards.

It's seriously best to be single for a good while and focus your energies on what you want out of life and what makes you happy. Spend time on other areas like career, education, hobbies, friends...these things can all improve your self-esteem etc hugely. Literally don't even put men on the priority list. Prioritize yourself.

That is the problem...I've been single most of adult life. But when I do get a guy...I get used and it's over within months. My longest was a hellish 2.5 year on/off shit show in my early 20s. Everything since then has barely lasted 9 months. I am always single.

I have a good career, money behind me, lots of hobbies, been on some good holidays and have money for more. I do go for what I want. But still no one appreciates me when they get me.

I've been cheated on twice out of three long term relationships. The last one cheated on me at our place of work for a year where I held a very senior position (more so than both H and the OW). I later found out he cheated on me with a second girl at work and then a third OW. He then committed suicide very soon after being found out (seven weeks ago) and I am bringing up our kids alone.

But I STILL am optimistic about finding love again. I think I need to be on my own and focus on the DCs and my job for at least a year but I absolutely think I will meet someone and that I will be happy in a relationship again. I think I've been a combination of unlucky and a bit of a poor judge. But so what, there are worse things to be. I think I've finally learned what not to look for.

It does not occur to me that I am not worthy of love. To my shame, in my darkest hours, I have wondered if I should have not dug with my H and believed him when he said there was no OW; if I had not followed my instinct we'd still be together and I wouldn't be a suicide widow and my kids wouldn't be 'the kids whose dad...'

But I'd have been living a lie and giving my kids a shit example of a relationship. And he'd have destroyed me in the end. If it's him or me, I'd rather it's him.

lamiashiro nobody has denigrated the OP fgs!