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Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
ILikeUranus · 10/03/2016 19:19

Sorry he's every bit s much of a git as we thought OP.

Here's what I did. Tell H it's over. He promised not to see her again, but he did see her and he lied about it, he's still having an affair. Make him sleep elsewhere while he figures out something more permanent. Preferably out of the house altogether, but if needs be at least on the sofa. We told the kids H was at his mum's fixing her leaky roof. It was very leaky so took a couple of weeks to fix. But he came back to play with them once a day (with me there). Then organise everything as you would do to manage assuming you are going to separate/divorce. So for me, I've remortgaged over a much longer period to bring the cost down to what I can afford on my own salary alone, and changed it into my sole name. If he decides to absolutely come clean on 100% of the details and you think you can ever feel secure in the relationship, maybe in time, let him come back gradually at your own pace - both read Shirley Glass "not just friends". However, since the affair was still going on when you found out, and since he didn't even end it when you found out but carried on lying, it would be a pretty difficult thing to make this relationship work now (but if you're set up so that you can split any time with no great consequences to you, at least you're in the best position - prepared for whatever eventuality).

peaceoftheaction · 10/03/2016 19:20

Some people would love the drama of the coffee shop confrontation, some me included would hate it.
OP All you know for sure is that he's lied and is continuing to lie, despite telling you otherwise. At the moment his affair means more to him than the marriage. What do you want to do now? You must be in shock. I've been there, similar age dh (now exh) and OW, I found texts which were oddly formal and didn't make sense to me. They, or he at least, were 'in love' after a very short period. All v odd. I still don't know the ins and outs many years on. I think some men can't admit they just want a legover so it has to be 'love' Bollocks of course. Sorry you're in this position Flowers

MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 19:21

Yes its fun to play "Choose your own adventure" ( no offence Carson ) but personally I'd be wanting to talk to the woman and see what she has to say. Carson is entitled to some answers as opposed to behaving Hot Headed and emotions taking over.
I would, however, be doin it out the blue to catch her off guard, as he won't b able to prewarn her the OW prewarn him if Carson was to be all civil, emailin OW to arrange a chat or something....no advance warnin for either of them is best. Catch them on the back foot.
I'd be either walking into the cafe during one of their trysts or I'd b ringing her out the blue and demand some answers.
Obv face to face is best, she can't hang up on u or pretend she's busy and can't talk, then get straight on to the husband to give him the head's up.
Don't give the buggers any advantage wotsoever, I say. I feel if u confront husband today u may never get to spk to the OW. However, that might not be important for u. Just saying wot I'd wanna do if it were me.

oldlaundbooth · 10/03/2016 19:23

notonyurjellybellynelly

I agree with Jelly in that the whole what the email says/coffee code/ blah blah is not that important.

The important thing is that he is lying to you and has been lying.

I'd be heading out for a coffee myself one of these fine mornings OP, to have a chat with this piece of work your husband finds so enticing.

She will not know what's hit her.

I'd check your bank accounts and get copies of your kids passports/ visa papers too.

Sorry if this sounds OTT.

oldlaundbooth · 10/03/2016 19:25

Carson are you actually in the ME?

Sorry if I missed that info.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 19:25

I've come home and gone to bed with "a headache". Informed DH I would be staying up here all night so he's going to take DCs out for food and get them sorted. I thought up here was the best place to be for now, away from him and away from the PC.

If it is a physical affair, and I am now prepared to admit that's at least a possibility, even likely, then it's been going on for three weeks maximum. Even with his lying and disregard for me and our family, I am not going to end everything just like that over a three week affair. Going to take some time to think. Thanks for all replies and the turning up to the coffee shop with his suitcase post even made me smile a bit, so special thanks for that.

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 10/03/2016 19:27

Flowers Carson

Belikethat · 10/03/2016 19:28

Really sorry op but if he is falling in love and still seeing her behind your back you might not have any choice about ending it. He might.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 19:28

Not in the ME (if that's the Middle East)

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 10/03/2016 19:29

Yup, ME.

oldlaundbooth · 10/03/2016 19:29

doh! ME = Middle East.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 19:36

Twenty years together, lots of wonderful life experiences and best of all, two beautiful, thoughtful DCs.

If he wants to walk out on that for a three-week affair with some big-eyed, big-titted coffee lover then I never really knew him, did I?

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 10/03/2016 19:36

Really sorry op but if he is falling in love and still seeing her behind your back you might not have any choice about ending it. He might.

Exactly.

You arent prepared to throw your marriage away but he is.

He might end it with you.

Helmetbymidnight · 10/03/2016 19:39

So he told you he wouldn't contact the woman he's falling in love with, and then went straight to his email and arranged to meet her again?

Are you going to swallow that?

AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 19:40

Carson, I am not sure you are in control of the outcome here, love

And if you brush the fact that you know he has since told further lies then you are definitely not

As in many of these situations if you really want to save your marriage you have to be prepared to end it so that he really feels what the the loss of it would mean

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 19:41

Who says she even wants him? If I looked like her I wouldn't be sniffing round my DH.

OP posts:
dilys4trevor · 10/03/2016 19:47

Time to drop the 'D' I'd say.

I'm so sorry this is happening OP. From the first post at the start it looked like it might be innocent. Shocking how a chance discovery can open up a whole secret life.

I think the coffee chat is coded, especially if that conversation happened as recently as yesterday.

I think all you need to do now is ask him if he has seen her. He will say no and there you have it.

If he were breaking it off he wouldn't need to do it in person. He'd do it over email.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 19:47

He wouldn't be the first to throw his marriage away for something that ultimately doesn't work out

Please don't rely on the fact that she might not want him to stop your husband trashing his relationship. The onus is completely on him.

SoThatHappened · 10/03/2016 19:51

Who says she even wants him? If I looked like her I wouldn't be sniffing round my DH.

Oh god......youre know trying to convince yourself that she isnt serious about him as a way to think you'll get to keep him.

He isnt worried about losing you.

That's all that matters...and if not her it would be someone else....if it hasn't already been someone else.

McButtonwillow · 10/03/2016 19:51

It's irrelevant whether she would want him or not- all that matters are his actions and his behaviour. Neither of which look good.

I'm sorry Carson I know this must be so painful for you.

KiwiJude · 10/03/2016 19:52

Oh Carson, it's not looking good is it :( He's acting like a right knob.

Somewhere way earlier in the thread you said something about wanting to preserve the marriage so you didn't have to uproot the kids and move them (back to the UK? or somewhere else?) - just wondering why you can't stay in the country you've moved to?

McButtonwillow · 10/03/2016 19:57

I know it's been mentioned upthread but can you get some RL support. Geographically you're not close to family/friends but do you have someone you can call? If you where my friend in RL I'd want to support you Flowers

mix56 · 10/03/2016 19:58

Maybe she is a bored, partly unhappy, married SAHM....
All & any attention will make her feel loved..... flirting is not a crime.
There is still a chance this is still an EA.

He is however lying, & lying to cover his lies.......
I would go round to her house ! & scare the shit out of her, demanding to see the husband. & having a show down.
Meanwhile, "D" husband can leave until you decide if you want to live this way.

Baconyum · 10/03/2016 19:59

I as many others on this thread who've been there I'm sure really feel for you.

I had many well meaning friends telling me 'he won't leave you for her, you're the mother of his child, you've been with him 10 years, supported him in his career' etc, then ow 2 fell pregnant.

Also "they'll never last" they've now been together 13 years, he's cheated on her too, she's chosen to get pregnant every time he does accept this.

Take care of yourself and dc. Please don't pin hopes on you having more of a draw for him than her or her not being willing to leave her marriage (you've no idea how she feels about her marriage or your husband).

seeyouinthetreehouse · 10/03/2016 20:36

What's an EA?