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Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
notonyurjellybellynelly · 10/03/2016 17:13

Carson, your situation is one that stood out from the start as something that wasn't going to end well and Im heart sorry thats its proving to be the case. There was just something about it. Sad

Ive lived in the ME for almost 40 years. Not as an expat in the traditional sense but I do know the expat life inside out and I can well understand the bombshell this has been in your marriage,as well as coming so soon after your latest move.

I said earlier that Im a great believer in letting things pan out and thats what I'd do now, and even though I know its going to be agony for you - I'd get him to move out. I wouldn't fight over him. I wouldn't give it a go. I would muster up the courage from somewhere to let him go off. He's said he hasn't been happy for a while, and I think there's a very good chance that if you give it a go on your own you'll find you've not been happy either but you've perhaps put things down to where you lived before, the stress of planning the move, settling in in your new country etc. You know - all the excuses that can be justifiably used by expats when there's something wrong but they don't really know what it is.

Again - I'm sorry this is happening.

oldlaundbooth · 10/03/2016 17:15

Strange how he has found a 'very, very pretty' female ex-pat to be friends with and bond over coffee, rather than some worn-in good old boy Confused

notonyurjellybellynelly · 10/03/2016 17:17

he's more then likely being careful in case you read them

Yes. Not all emails between people having a bit of a carry on are the kind we'd think them to be.

oldlaundbooth · 10/03/2016 17:18

FWIW I'm an ex-pat (not in the ME) and to hear a British accent here is pretty rare, to the point where I would say something to them ('Ah, you're British!' etc) and vice-versa.

However, emailing and cinema going with a married man as a married woman I wouldn't be seen doing.

magoria · 10/03/2016 17:23

I have to agree the word coffee appears a lot. Her comment about offending his gourmet tastes I think at the bare minimum shows a massive level of familiarity and intimacy however I think it is flirty. Because I don't think she is referring to his gourmet taste in coffee but to her.

What others say though. The tone is completely unimportant.

2 days ago he was telling you he had no way to contact her and would out of respect to you and your feelings no longer see her.

He basically fed you complete bullshit to get you to STFU so he could carry on meeting the woman he is falling in love with.

He has zero respect or care for you.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 17:23

DH is 44. She looks to be mid- thirties maybe, it's hard to tell.

I thought the extent of DH's midlife crisis was buying a porche and looking at getting a motorbike but obviously it included chasing after pretty women too.

OP posts:
ConkersDontScareSpiders · 10/03/2016 17:25

If she'd knocked him back as he says then why would she then go and meet him for coffee? If I had developed a friendship with someone who then asked me for more and I'd said no I wouldnt be further encouraging them by meeting them in the 'usual' place for the 'gourmet coffee' they like. Also that fact that they've got a usual place at all further outs him as a liar.it wouldn't be 'usual' if he'd only seen her a few times.
The tone of the emails wasn't flirty but it was familiar-fine out of this context, but not fine for someone your husband has professed to be falling in love with.
And as people have said its not the tone of the emails, it's the ongoing lies.

OldestStory · 10/03/2016 17:25

I too think that email is coded.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/03/2016 17:26

DH: I'm OK with usual venue unless you have another suggestion for coffee ?

That doesn't sound natural at all... it's innuendo.

If I got that email from a male client, it would put me on guard.

I'm so sorry.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 10/03/2016 17:30

I dont think the email was coded. I think the ref to 'do you know a good place for coffee' was just that if you are fussy about the coffee you drink. I do it all the time. If Im going to meet someone it has to be in a place where the food and drink, even if its just coffee or tea, has to be nice and worth going out for.

But that said - none of this should be going on in Carsons life.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 17:31

The e mails mentioned the name of a specific coffee shop which I omitted. As far as I can tell from the e mails, that's the place they first met and have always met. There is no reference to anywhere else other than that specific place.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 17:31

op, they are playing with you

notonyurjellybellynelly · 10/03/2016 17:33

Sorry, I think we're getting a bit to bogged down in what the email actually says. Its a bit like that show Oprah did when a woman told of her and a pal analysing 3 full stops a bloke had put at the end of text message when he was breaking up with her.

The fact is he's continuing to lie and thats that.

MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 17:34

I wouldn't believe necessarily that she'd knocked him bk. I actually wouldn't believe a single word he's told u thus far, Carson. Because where is there any truth in anything he's said? He's telling lies to cover lies. His track record is one of Gobshite extraordinaire it seems!
I think that Gourmet coffee remark sounds like some private joke. I also thought they used the word "coffee" too many times that it sounds stilted and unnatural.

Baconyum · 10/03/2016 17:39

'It's not unheard of for the DH cheating bastard to drain the accounts and leave their wives and children without a penny.' My ex did this so be careful.

Also does he have kik or anything similar. Cheats love a lie that isn't a lie 'I don't have her number (but I do have her kik name and we sext each other on that)'

My ex and his cheating was prior to smart phones, plus he was an idiot, had one of the ow in his phone under a made up male name but it was a contract phone, I checked the bills and they were texting/calling each other 30+ times a day so the number on the bill loads plus he never deleted the texts and left the phone lying around a couple of times. Quite insulting really that

A he thought I'd never suspect (classic cheat behaviour could mood at home, good mood when out, suddenly started 'working late' and suddenly uncontactable at lunch hours when previously he'd been a clock watcher lazy arse at work and always contactable!)

B he thought I wouldn't look at his phone

C he thought he could gaslight me into believing his innocence he even recruited friends to gaslight me! When they knew what he was doing.

Time for ducks in a row, more snooping, no more believing his lying arse!

Baconyum · 10/03/2016 17:40

Just to clarify I know about the kik as I know that this is how ex got caught cheating on 2nd/current wife, also Twitter and Facebook pm's.

iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 17:41

You have the name of the coffee shop.
That's good.

It's not 'their' coffee shop. You have every right to go there for coffee.

At Any Time.

MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 17:43

Then in that case I'd b tempted to do an ambush at their nxt meet up. Then u get to meet her and intro yourself all at the same time. The look on your OHs face would also b worth the visit alone!! Get them together mayb the truth will b more likely to come out cos she won't b expectin u.
When u get back u can slip in a casual "how was your day?"....wonder how often they meet up?
I hope you've got him sleepin on the sofa, the shithead!Angry

geologyrocks · 10/03/2016 18:00

I'm sorry to read that he met her yestetday when he promised to cease contact. I just want to tell you that this isn't anything you've done...he us just a fucker

StayAChild · 10/03/2016 18:37

I'm so sorry you're going through this Carson. Your increasing loss of hope and resignation is palpable through each of your ongoing posts.

I'm not sure..... yes, he's lying to save his skin. For sure he would have carried on making himself 'happy' behind your back if you hadn't confronted him with the cinema tickets. That in itself is enough for serious consideration into what state your relationship is in.

On the other hand though, those emails don't sound like someone in the throes of falling in love/lust and I'm a very cynical soul normally. It all sounds very reserved and almost a little naive. Also, why would they need to mention the name of the coffee shop if it was a very regular thing? Wouldn't they just say 'usual place'? To me that sounds like it hasn't happened that often. Why go to the cinema though, that's throwing me.

She doesn't sound like someone who's knocked him back - more like she's as interested as he is.
He doesn't sound to me like someone who is used to this undercover stuff. Why would he leave the emails for you to see?

I hope you can make a bit more sense of it when you've spoken to him again. You know him. (well, you thought you did) Is he normally flirtatious or reserved? Don't be too hasty, but keep watching and waiting for further evidence to unfold, whilst at the same time thinking of what you will do if the worst case scenario is proved to be the case. For what it's worth, I believe your daughter. They don't make stuff up like that or mistake the time for no reason. Maybe she is suspicious too?

Belikethat · 10/03/2016 18:47

She sounds keen for what it's worth, not knocking him back.

I would have already confronted her by now btw. And I would have made sure he knew what I was doing so he was cacking himself.

She probably doesn't know you know yet.

SoThatHappened · 10/03/2016 18:50

I would pack a suitcase and intercept their next coffee date.

Dont address him. Dont even dignify him by looking at him.

Address her and say, "you want him? All yours!"

Then dump the suitcase at his feet and walk off.

Take control of it. Don't let him take the piss out of you anymore .

notonyurjellybellynelly · 10/03/2016 19:03

*I would pack a suitcase and intercept their next coffee date.

Dont address him. Dont even dignify him by looking at him.

Address her and say, "you want him? All yours!"

Then dump the suitcase at his feet and walk off.

Take control of it. Don't let him take the piss out of you anymore*

If the Op does that she will end up looking like a right donut.

But I do agree that thinking these things up is really satisfactory.

SoThatHappened · 10/03/2016 19:15

How would that make her look stupid?

They're having an affair. Unless any of you think it's innocent?

Let them both know you know and he csn get out.

Spandexpants007 · 10/03/2016 19:18

Awful man!

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