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Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 16:22

Could you glean where this woman lives? How do you feel about contacting her, or would you rather not?

It'd take a monumental effort to not confront him with what you know tbh, but realistically, what difference does waiting make? The damage has been done. You've got the proof he's been in contact. You can't control his actions. He clearly doesn't wanna give her up, nor does he give a damn about your feelings.

You will never be able to believe another word that comes out of his mouth. Ever! He sounds to me like a guy that wants to have his cake and eat it. His arrogance is outstanding.

You deserve far better than this shithead. How many more chances do you give someone? It's not like you can control his feelings OR his actions. He will just carry on being a sneaky piece of shit behind your back. Sad

Don't let him walk all over you. Be strong! Flowers Wine

I still think he's a nasty, two-faced bastard mind! Angry

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 16:28

She's also an expat but not from the same home country as our family. Many people around here are from somewhere else, though. I don't have anyone in RL here. If he was up to anything similar where we lived previously, I obviously wasn't aware of it but I am not ruling anything out now. I haven't made good enough friends yet to be able to talk to any of them about this and my family are a long way away.

I know they met yesterday because I read their plans to in the emails. Here are the messages, with any identifying details omitted.

DH: Coffee at 10:30 tomorrow currently works if that is OK with you?
HER: 10:30 tomorrow is good- same place or do you have somewhere else in mind?
DH: I'm OK with usual venue unless you have another suggestion for coffee ?

HER: Usual place is fine, wouldn't want to offend your gourmet coffee senses by suggesting anywhere else
DH: Ha! See you there

Do you see what I mean about the tone of the emails? They're not flirty or anything.

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 10/03/2016 16:29

Gosh, this is horrible for you OP.

Unfortunately, you do need to sit down and work through a worst-case scenario. And quickly. If you do split, would you want to move to your home country with the kids? Can you even do that without his permission in the country you now live in? You need to find all this out.

If you do feel that you might want to move back at any time, then do not let him know until you have pinned down the legalities and logistics. Put your own passport and the children's passports in a safe place for now. It will give you the feeling of control even if you don't eventually go down that route.

McButtonwillow · 10/03/2016 16:31

I don't think you can read anything into the tone of the emails- he's more then likely being careful in case you read them.

MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 16:34

Do you think it's cos there's nothing in it as far as she's concerned? Possibly he's just totally got a crush on her and nothing is reciprocated and she's unaware of his true feelings that he disclosed to you?

If at all possible, I would even consider waiting until they plan to meet up again and I'd go and walk in on them. An ambush if you like!

Do you know the coffee shop they frequent? Yes it isn't the norm for people being in a full-blown affair mode. But what if it's incase he expects you to check and read the emails?

Maybe "coffee" is code for something else?

iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 16:41

Do you see what I mean about the tone of the emails? They're not flirty or anything

Or they feel so comfortable with each other and now know eachother so well,that there is no need to flirt. They have gone past the flirty stage.

In some ways it's worse that the emails aren't flirty.
It suggests that this has been going on way longer than he's letting on.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 16:43

He is certainly devious enough to make sure he puts nothing incriminating in the emails.

iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 16:44

Kidnapped has very good advice.

I would keep your cards close to your chest for now, until you have a backup plan in place.

(Difficult I know)

iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 16:45

If at all possible, I would even consider waiting until they plan to meet up again and I'd go and walk in on them. An ambush if you like!

Yes to this.

You will find out more if you wait.

oldlaundbooth · 10/03/2016 16:47

He's playing you for a fool, OP. He's lied to you, he has no respect for you at all.

Up until your last comment about him seeing her yesterday I was going to suggest going to the coffee shop to have a very quiet chat with this woman - but instead I'd be finding out where her husband lives and chatting to him instead.

Then I'd be throwing 'D' H out of the house.

iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 16:47

Does he have a temper OP?

If yes, then if and when you do decide to confront, it should be in a public place.

You need to keep safe.

MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 16:50

iwud I disagree. It sounds like what 2 aquaintences or colleagues would send one another. But it also has a whiff of being contrived, incase the OP happens upon them. So they're deliberately minimal with zero emotion.

OR the husband is living in a major fantasy land and she the OW really has no clue as to his real feelings for her. He's probably fed her a load of bollocks too I would think. If that were the case....hard to say which scenario is true at this stage.

I think the husband wants things to develop further but this woman is oblivious. Possibly....For all she knows he's probably told her he's single!! Stranger things have happened.

THat's why it'd be interesting if Carson confronted her. Get her take on things.

oldlaundbooth · 10/03/2016 16:50

'Do you see what I mean about the tone of the emails? They're not flirty or anything.'

Ah. Well then. There obviously not up to anything then [puzzled]

If you want to believe the whole thing is innocent to save your disastrous marriage then do so, but 99.9% of the people of this thread believe there is more to it.

mix56 · 10/03/2016 16:52

If it was a last meeting up (as he will tell you) to say, "my wife has discovered & isn't happy that I am meeting you. So sadly, this must stop"
it fucking didn't sound serious & cooling off from his email.

Why is he leaving his emails for you to find, is he a complete idiot ?
Sorry Carson.... what a fool

shoeaddict83 · 10/03/2016 16:58

I think you are focussing on the wrong thing - the tone of the emails does not matter, the simple fact that he LIED to you again after you confronted him and promised he'd never see her again is what matters!
Add to that the fact he previously lied and said he had no means of contact and did not know her surname and it seems 'D' H is a serial liar and trying to cover his tracks and minimise this as much as possible.

Forget the tone and whether its flirty or not, thats the least of your worries when you know hes meeting up still and lying to you and showing you no respect at all.
Sorry OP, the way hes treating you is awful, this man does not deserve you.

oldlaundbooth · 10/03/2016 16:58

'Why is he leaving his emails for you to find, is he a complete idiot ?'

Good question, mix.

Does he want out?

WhataMessEh · 10/03/2016 17:01

What smells about it to me (other than that he lied to you about the meeting) is that if he was knocked back by her, as he says, what do they have left to talk about? Sounds like he's willing to see if she's interested in any way before determining his next move.

iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 17:02

How old is he?
And how old does she look, from her profile?

Trying to build a picture. For some reason I have a mental pic of a middle aged man having a midlife crisis and being flattered by the attention of a much younger woman.
Or is that a cliche? Confused

iamnotwhat · 10/03/2016 17:04

In my experience they could be written in that tone and left there so should you stumble across his deception he can point at them and say "but look they're not even flirty so of course we weren't having an affair".

Mind you, in my opinion her comment about gourmet coffee shows a level of intimacy and cheekiness that looks a bit like flirting to me

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 10/03/2016 17:06

Hmm. The word "coffee" is mentioned too many times. It doesn't read like a natural conversation would. I think "coffee" is code.

Robotgirl · 10/03/2016 17:07

What's your gut now, feeling OP?

Lots of lies crawling their way out of the woodwork.

mix56 · 10/03/2016 17:07

The mails have been there for months, OP could have found them at any time....... Up until the cinema tickets, the whole thing could have been innocent.
Just, men don't work that way

MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 17:10

It does sound very contrived like it's all been premeditated, rehearsed and planted there.

But OP would still be justified in confronting him over the lying to her that he'd cut contact. So actual affair or just him being infatuated, she's still been betrayed and taken for a fool.

It's the "Just good friends" cliche.

Toomuchinfo1 · 10/03/2016 17:12

I agree with shoeaddict . . .I really wouldn't be too worried about whether the tome of the emails sound dodgy. he lied! and has lied to you through the whole situation, from beginning to end.

you wont ever believe another word he says.

WhataMessEh · 10/03/2016 17:12

yeah I can't see why a meeting was necessary at all - he lied about it, and according to his script, there was nothing left to discuss. Sorry op, what a horribly awful situation to be in. It's all a bit shabby and rubbish of him.

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