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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 10/03/2016 14:43

He saw her yesterday = He doesn't give a shit about you.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 14:43

Am I naive to think he might have met her yesterday to tell her he wouldn't be seeing her again?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 14:44

Yes.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/03/2016 14:44

Yes. Yes you are I'm afraid

AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 14:45

He met her yesterday so they could get their stories straight. He may have even said they have to cool it for a little while until you STFU about it.

But someone who has so little respect for you he will blatantly lie is not going to give up this affair.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 15:17

According the the e mails she left the country about a week after they met and came back here less than a month ago and in that short time DH started to fall in love with her? How?

OP posts:
McButtonwillow · 10/03/2016 15:25

I'm sorry Carson the absolute fucker. If he planned to meet with her yesterday to tell her it was over why would he lie to you about his whereabouts?

What are you going to do?

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 10/03/2016 15:29

Yesterday? :(
He has repeatedly lied to you op.it doesn't matter what he saw her for yesterday, (wether it was to break it off or more likely to warn her that you had found out).The principle thing is that even after you have talked about it, and he had said he will cut context and put it right, he has continued to lie and see her.To me the context wouldn't matter.If he was serious about wanting to commit to your marriage he wouldn't be doing that.
I'm really sorry. I know this is shit. But I fear you may not even know the half of it yet.
I know you love him and want to believe him.But don't do that at the risk of your own ultimate well being and security.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 10/03/2016 15:30

Cut contact.not context!!

BitOutOfPractice · 10/03/2016 15:31

Pack a suitcase. Leave it on the doorstep with a note saying "I know everything. I hope she's fucking worth it" and then go out with the kids

Whisky2014 · 10/03/2016 15:33

Are you sure his "business trips" were actually business?

shoeaddict83 · 10/03/2016 15:53

ask him to his face when the last time was her saw her, see if he lies yet again. If he does then he will never ever change and you can present him with proof hes lying. Put him on the spot Carson, show him you know hes a lying f**ker.

MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 16:02

Does her being out of the country coincide with his recent business trip? Can you be absolutely certain he was away on business, alone?? Sad He's a fucking devious bastard!! Angry

How dare he tell blatent lies to your face and take you for a fucking muppet that will just fall for any old bullshit that comes out of his mouth??

I'm a bit surprised the emails weren't more incriminating/emotional if they've both been embarking on an affair....Hmm Unless it is one-sided and him doin all the pursuing?

I don't for one sec think it's love, more infatuation from what you've said re the dates. It'd hardly leave long for them to get to know eachother, plus who goes out on the hunt for another woman when they've just arrived in the country and have lots of shit to sort out etc?

But love or infatuation, it's totally besides the point, either way he's been unfaithful. If it were me I would now be paying this woman a visit or confronting her in one form or another! I wouldn't bloody warn him either, I'd just go ( or ring her even ) and I'd want to know just what the fuck she thinks she's doing carrying on with my husband and behind her husband's back??! That's if she's got a flipping husband and that wasn't yet another fabrication by your lying wanker of a husband who seems to be pissing all over your commitment and good nature. Talk about taking the piss....I'd find it hard to keep a lid on this tbh. So chuffing Angry Shock for you. Bastards! The pair of them.

Buzzardbird · 10/03/2016 16:04

Ah, I'm sorry this is heading in the direction I wished it wasn't.

Superwitchy · 10/03/2016 16:04

Sorry, I've been watching this with a sense of dread and deja vu, because I don't think he's going to be able to stop seeing her, even if he half wants to, to save his marriage. He says he's falling in love with her, he's not going to give that up - you said he seemed so much happier recently, he's enjoying that feeling. I think you're going to have to divorce him, it'll be easier on you if you take the initiative. Do you know where your marriage certificate is? Sorry.

loopylou6 · 10/03/2016 16:07

He is beyond taking the piss out of you.
He seen her YESTERDAY? Seriously? I couldn't come back from this, I would absolutely end it and hold on to my pride, he clearly does not have an ounce of respect for you.

iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 16:09

Time to start sorting your finances out (quietly. without him knowing)

The last thing you need on top of all this is for him to bleed you dry.
It's not unheard of for the DH cheating bastard to drain the accounts and leave their wives and children without a penny.
He won't be thinking with the head on top of his shoulders.

iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 16:11

Your first priority now is to secure financial security for you and your children.
I can't stress that enough.

Keep a sharp eye on outgoings.

MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 16:12

How do you know he saw her yesterday? Just wondering what the email said? Well he's just pissed all over his 2nd ( and hopefully last ) chance hasn't he?

I wouldn't wanna be under the same roof as the deceitful fucker personally.

And just the fact he's not only betrayed you but he's also fucking it up for the kids too! Selfish twat that he is. What if you wanted to move back with the kids to the UK and leave his sorry arse there so that him and that bitch are welcome to one another? You've no support system where you are so maybe you wanna be around friends and family at a time like this?

The insane thing is, he could have embarked on a bloody affair back home ( bad enough! ) but you've now got the massive issue of logistics cos he waited to relocate abroad to start chasing other women!

Are you sure he's not done anything remotely suspicious back home? Just seems odd, why wait til now? Is she also an expat or a local?

iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 16:13

Do you have relatives or close friends in this country that you can turn to?

iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 16:13

I mean the country you are residing in.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 16:14

He wasn't on either of his business trips with her as they communicated via e mail when he was away.

I have a meeting at lunchtime then I am going to go home. I'm not doing much work anyway and I am lucky enough to be able to do that so I might as well. I have no idea what I am going to say to him or do at this stage.

OP posts:
iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 16:16

Try and keep a cool head.
You've done brilliantly so far. He doesn't deserve you.

magoria · 10/03/2016 16:18

Unfortunately at present his feelings for her are greater than his feelings for you.

He knows what he is doing. He knows this will be hurting you.

He cares less about hurting you than being with her.

Your best option is to take yourself away. The pain of losing you may be enough to bring him to his senses.

You do deserve better than a lying arse hole. I hope by the time he wises up you will have moved on.

iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 16:19

Sorry to sound like a broken record.
But, do you have a friend or relative who you could meet up with to confide in?
It's all very well us offering advice, but you could also do with some RL support Flowers

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