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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
iwuddarryl · 10/03/2016 11:31

If you want to find out where he's really going, use the Find My Phone app (iphone or android). Somebody more techy could advise which is best.
Then accidentally leave your phone in the car you know he's going to be using. (in one of the pockets)
Make sure it's turned on and make sure all the sounds are turned to silent (including vibrate and notifications)

Then all you have to do is go on your computer and it will show where he really is.

It's how I found out for sure that my ex was cheating.

been there got the tshirt unfortunately.

MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 12:08

That's great advice iwuddarryl. Obv a Private Detective is the gold standard but your method isn't so extreme and a damn-site cheaper too!

iamnotwhat · 10/03/2016 12:16

I'd never have thought of that!

One of the hints I got of my (STBX) husband's latest affair was when I got the message on iMessage that he'd stopped sharing his location! Not that it had occurred to me before that point to look on there anyway...

Toomuchinfo1 · 10/03/2016 12:17

My friend did the Find my Phone thing. She did exactly what iwuddarryl did.

although it was her ex and she was trying to find out where he had moved to (proper stalking)! so not quite the same.

xx

FredaMayor · 10/03/2016 12:52

I hate that he's turned me into a snooper.

That ship has sailed, Carson. As pp have said you have a right to this information and that's not snooping, it's caring about your position in your relationship. No-one should feel ashamed, and certainly you shouldn't, although 'snooping' is the first thing you will be accused of because you have found out something that the deceiver wants to stay hidden.

Get OW's name in whatever way you feel necessary, you will need it.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 12:54

I found some e mails between them last night. And whilst DH is a complete bastard for lying to me about the no contact ability/ not knowing her surname etc, the e mails (dating back to when they first met in November) are not particularly exciting, in any way sexual or loving and appear to back up what DH has said about their relationship, if that's what it is. I screenshotted everything and will do a brief summary of them when I get to work you can tell me what you think.

Now as I have her name, I was able to look her up on Facebook and I am certain I have found her as there appears to be only one person on Facebook in our area with that name. Her profile is private but I can see her profile picture and background one.

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 10/03/2016 13:06

OP, it doesn't matter all that much what the emails contain, the fact remains you have been lied to about this relationship because DH does not want you to get the right idea. IME this was just the beginning of the journey of discovery.

Helmetbymidnight · 10/03/2016 13:10

Ok, so since November he has been pursuing another woman - and you've only been in that country since when - October?

And he forgot to tell you about her/doesn't know her name/and has no means of contacting her.

Dearie me.

getyourfingeroutyournose · 10/03/2016 13:19

My money is on the housekeeper. Why would he omit that info if he wasn't doing anything wrong?

Chances are, if you and the kids have access to the computer, there won't be anything on there (although you should still look). You need his phone. Sounds like you are both far too busy for a relationship at the moment and this may be a catalyst but you certainly need to be able to confront him about why he lied. Don't argue with him. Just say "Why did you not say you went to the cinema with someone?" Make sure he realises that you have every right to be worried about this and insist he is more open with you from now on. The fact that you have no idea how to get access to his phone feels odd to me, I can always tell if I've annoyed my partner because he changes the passcode oh his phone to upset me back. Petty man that he can be. I don't snoop on it though, but it gives me confidence knowing that I can have access to it if needed.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 13:23

It isn't the housekeeper, it's a different woman who lives nearby.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 10/03/2016 13:32

I'd be shocked if they hadn't had sex.

mix56 · 10/03/2016 13:34

As you have her name you can probably find out where she lives. or look out for her in the coffee shop !
You could go round to see her, preferably when her OH is home & ask her How was the film ??? & say as she has become such buddies with YOUR husband, the father of your children, that you thought maybe you should meet up & decide how "friendly" she intends to be !

Bonkbuster · 10/03/2016 13:34

He has lied to you again? About knowing her name and not communicating directly with her?

I don't know how you are believing anything he says now. I understand you want to trust him but surely there comes a point when you just can't?

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 13:35

My new policy is not to believe anything that comes out of his mouth at the moment

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 10/03/2016 14:02

Can you see what we mean now about how he is lying, minimising, only letting the barest details trickle out?

When he said "I don't have her phone number" which I still don't believe btw that was intended to make you think "Oh, it must be very casual then, they only communicate when they meet up, it's nothing serious" except he omitted to mention that they've been emailing

AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 14:25

he is a liar

you know this

and if the emails are from back in November then of course they won't be that incriminating

there has been a lot of water over the bridge legovers since then

are you going to challenge him about the lies you have uncovered ? What is your deal breaker.? he said they had no formal contact and doesn't even know her last name Blatant deceit alert

There is much more you do not know, I would bet my house on it.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 14:31

Yes, he is a liar. I know that now, in fact I probably knew it from near the start of all this but I didn't want to believe it.

The e mails are from November, through Christmas and the New Year and up to yesterday.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 10/03/2016 14:32

And also, he has had time to go on to his e-mail and delete the incriminating ones.

Whisky2014 · 10/03/2016 14:33

Urgh. So he is continuing contact.

What are you going to do?

BitOutOfPractice · 10/03/2016 14:36

Yesterday?! FFS Carson! I thought he said he was cutting all contact!

Helmetbymidnight · 10/03/2016 14:36

Up to yesterday?

Nice.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 10/03/2016 14:38

It's a chain of e mails, rather than lots of separate ones. It's conceivable that there could be some missing but the tone of all the e mails is neutral from both sides. No kisses or compliments or anything like that.

I've checked our bank account, I do that regularly as we're new here and I want to see our spending pattern. Nothing that stands out there.

Yeah, he has continued contact and it appears he saw her yesterday. So he is a liar on every conceivable scale.

She is also very, very pretty.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 14:40

so even after he lied to your face, he was still in contact with her ?

your whole relationship is a lie

AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 14:42

my blood is boiling for you Angry

BitOutOfPractice · 10/03/2016 14:42

He saw her yesterday?! Oh carson I'm so sorry but this is getting worse and worse.

Whatever you said to him when you had the chat, he didn't take you seriously. He didn't believe you when you said "there will be no third chance if he continues to see her."

Time to pack his bags I think