Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 09/03/2016 19:13

That's basically it, Midnight. I want to believe him but looking at it like that, it's bullshit isn't it? Although he did say "started to fall in love with" as if that makes any difference to me.

OP posts:
notonyurjellybellynelly · 09/03/2016 19:15

Could he have known this women prior to you moving countries?

Helmetbymidnight · 09/03/2016 19:16

Mm It's not very convincing...Flowers

Daisychain5 · 09/03/2016 19:19

I don't believe for one moment he doesn't know her phone number. He is taking the mickey out of you big time.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 09/03/2016 19:20

I really don't think so, jellybellynelly, but I'm not taking anything he says as the truth any more.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2016 19:21

Does he think he is starring in Casablanca or summat

And more to the point...does he think you are stupid ?

Of course he has the contact details of a woman he has fallen in love with. He will still be using them, thinking he has got you to STFU about it.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 09/03/2016 19:22

I dont know how old your DD is but she is saying he was out till after midnight and he's saying he wasn't. It was 9pm on one of the occasions. Who do you believe?

I remember as a young girl of about 9 and being at my aunties so my uncle could look after me, my sister, and my cousin, whilst our mums went to the bingo. As a treat we'd get to walk a couple of hundred yards up to the chippy for chips and one night I saw my dads car parked round the corner from the house. It was getting frosty and we wrote on the roof of the car in the frost. Anyway next morning I was all excited and sat down to breakfast saying hey dad we saw your car last night blah blah blah. And of course it was all - you are mistaken etc etc etc. I was really confused and said no, look, I'll show you - we wrote on your roof. And of course thats when I grabbed his hand and said look - just as my mum had a look as well.

I would believe your DD.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 09/03/2016 19:23

We have no landline and our mobiles are on a family plan so he knows I can check any numbers dialled from any of the four phones by just logging into our account.

OP posts:
notonyurjellybellynelly · 09/03/2016 19:23

I really don't think so, jellybellynelly, but I'm not taking anything he says as the truth any more

I was wondering if they'd bet at a conference or something in the past.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/03/2016 19:25

Did he tell you that he went out today?

Maybe he doesn't have her number. If he doesn't, he's talking to her on a messenger app or via email etc instead. They are in contact.

I am sorry that he's done this. I'm not sorry that you're angry... That will serve you will.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 09/03/2016 19:41

Haven't seen him yet (different time zone to UK) but will be seeing what he volunteers before asking.

I do believe DD but I also believe she could have got mixed up.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 09/03/2016 19:42

They will be on WhatsApp, FB messenger, email, skype, facetime, whatever. And of course the classic MN line - have you looked for the second phone?

You know for a fact he's lying.

Where does he say he went today?

By the way, he will roll his eyes and try to portray you as some nagging paranoid harpie for asking him that. Which of course you're not. But he'll try and make you feel unreasonable for asking

AliceInUnderpants · 09/03/2016 19:52

How old are your DC?

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 09/03/2016 19:52

I'm glad you are getting angry.he has out you in a position that you do not deserve to be in.
I find it a bit unlikely that he doesn't know her number or last name. And if that's the case and he's 'fallen in love' with someone he seriously knows that little then he's really very disrespectful of your marriage.

luckySwallow13 · 09/03/2016 20:00

Just read all this ... I wish I could kick him in the nuts for you !!! It's none of my business but I wouldn't stay with any man who I found out cheated on me. It's always been my main fear through all my relationships ... Sorry your going through this.

dilys4trevor · 09/03/2016 20:39

My DS, who is just 7, said something to me after I'd kicked H out that was a major turning point.

He said, out of the blue: 'who was that lady who came round when you were away in Scotland?'

I didn't want to quiz my child so I said 'I don't know - I wasn't here darling.' I was shaking with rage at this point.

Then he said 'She looked like Han Solo when he was young. Like auntie X.' Auntie X has short brown hair.

Funnily enough, the ow I had just kicked him out over had a very different hairstyle and colour, and there is no way he'd get it wrong if he saw her.

When I heard this, I knew there had been more than one.

Kids don't tell lies out of the blue about things of no consequence to them. And although they can easily get the detail (like the day) wrong, they don't usually get the bare facts wrong.

Daisychain5 · 09/03/2016 22:20

You can't check numbers on a pay as you go phone that he may have bought though.....they can be very devious.

HawkEyeTheNoo · 09/03/2016 22:52

Oh Carson I'm so sorry for you. I've been lurking and reading but my heart goes out to you. I have met people in places that I frequent and often stop and say hi, pass the time of day, and tbh most of them are men, I've been saying hi and chatting for well over a year, a couple are total hotties by the way, these are single and married men and women, at no time, ever, would I think it's appropriate to ever accept an invitation to go and see a film with ANY of them. I consider myself a reasonably attractive female, but more than that, I'm open, friendly, and a person that just loves to help people. I would NEVER go to a movie with a married man, her motive was NOT innocent! I'm sorry but if I'm meeting a man and agreeing to go to the movies something else is my agenda!! Sorry Carson, I don't think it's as innocent as he's making out, she also has an agenda X

blindsider · 09/03/2016 22:54

Doesn't have her number=is terrified you are going to ask for it.

In this day and age it is the first thing you get. I am calling BULLSHIT!!

iwuddarryl · 09/03/2016 22:59

OP, what is her name?
Surely you've done that? You are entitled to know.
You need to say to him
''You owe me the courtesy of at least telling me her name''.

If he says ''I can't remember'' then you know he is taking the piss big time

You don't duck into cinemas out of the rain and start 'falling in love' with someone who you don't even know the name of Hmm

Once you have a name you can search her online. Wink

Even if you can't find her. Tell him that you have found out about her (and her husband).
See what his reaction is.

Remember, knowledge is power.

blindsider · 09/03/2016 22:59

Carson

"We have no landline and our mobiles are on a family plan so he knows I can check any numbers dialled from any of the four phones by just logging into our account."

So what are you waiting for? Pound to a penny there will be activity (especially texts) if he is lying about that you know he is still lying about other stuff too.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 09/03/2016 23:16

He's told me her first name. Is it weird for me to be a bit relieved because it wasn't the same as mine? Not that it was likely to be, but I did feel a tiny bit of relief wihen he said what it was. Don't know what that's all about.

I will check the phone records later and see if there's anything suspicious but if I know my DH (and I'm not sure I do any more) he is far more likely to ask for someone's e mail than their number. As I will be checking on his PC which we use as a family for various things we can't do on tablets, I will look at his e mails and Facebook if it's open. Up until now he's been permanently logged into both and I would have been able to check them had I had any desire to, which I didn't. If he has a second phone then there's not much I can do about checking that. We swap cars frequently and there's nothing in either car.

I asked him if he'd been out today and he said he'd been to the big store where we stock up on bulk items and the contents of the basement seem to back this up. A trip there would have taken about 90 mins so fits in with when I know he is out.

Whilst I still don't hate DH himself, I hate that he's turned me into a snooper.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 09/03/2016 23:27

DCs are in their teens, for the person who asked.

OP posts:
nowyoucmo · 10/03/2016 01:01

Hi Carson

New poster on this thread and new to MN.

Just wanted to say I just read the whole thread and I'm so sorry to see what's happened. Can remember that horrid feeling when an ExP told me he was in love with someone else. It's vile. You seem like you have been calm and considered during the time you were getting ready to ask him about the cinema tickets, and while I'm glad you're starting to get cross with him (and not blaming yourself) - I'm just sorry he has failed you (and himself) like this.

I don't think anyone has asked this, but is there anyone in RL (either back home or over there) that you can confide in?

Star
MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 10:35

I'm not sure how doable it is to check bank statements/transactions for his account too? For anything suspicious like gifts or a 2nd phone being purchased. Yes it is horrible that you've been reduced to this, but look what you nearly missed had it not been for wearing his coat briefly that one time? This shit would still be going on right under your nose and you'd still be none the wiser.

Yes of course he's minimizing. You don't "almost" fall in love with someone after a few coffees and a cinema trip. There will have been many more meetings and countless communications in one format or another, in your absence. I wonder if the distrust will ever go away...esp if you've never even clapped eyes on her! You could be in the same shop, cafe etc as her and you wouldn''t have a clue.

Swipe left for the next trending thread