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Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
notonyurjellybellynelly · 08/03/2016 17:46

When its an EA people think a shag kind of carry on would have been better. And if it was 'just' a shag they wish it had at least meant something to the person doing the cheating. They wish it had been an EA. Either way is excruciatingly painful. There is no lesser evil.

OP - for someone to tell a partner they were falling in love with someone else is crueler than cruel and I'd ague that anyone who has room in their heart to fall in love with someone else even a little bit doesn't love their spouse in the proper sense. How are you ever going to get that genie back in the bottle?

Im a great believer in letting things pan out and Im wondering if instead of giving things a go from within your marriage that you'd consider doing it from outside of your marriage in order to let this run its course. I'd also let the OW's husband know, and if your marriage is meant to survive it will, but if it's not you'll know soon enough once everyone has been given free reign.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 08/03/2016 17:57

What exactly could I say to her husband? "Your wife has had my husband following her around town like a lovesick puppy and put a stop to it when he tried to snog her one day" which is what it would basically sound like to anyone else?

OP posts:
magoria · 08/03/2016 18:05

That is so sad. She was the one who stopped them being physical. That means he tried and would have been very happy to have sex with her if she said yes. Or they have got that close that they talk about the option of having sex.

These things don't just happen.

There is the initial acknowledgement that you like each other.

The first meeting for a clandestine coffee.

The first touch.

The first kiss.

None of this 'just happens'. It certainly doesn't just happen over a couple of coffees and one cinema trip.

They spent enough time together on these just coffees (or sitting in silence in a cinema Hmm to get to know each other enough that he has started falling in love with her.

You are a very brave, strong, dignified woman even if you don't feel so.

You deserve way better than this. I hope for you he steps up now. Flowers

notonyurjellybellynelly · 08/03/2016 18:11

Carson, I would just say to him - you should be aware that your wife has been involved with my husband to the extent they've been on dates and been intimate.

You don't have to spell out what they got up to intimately and not just because this is one card I'd play very close to my chest for obvious reasons.

It could be that the husband can fill in some of the gaps in your husbands story and that can only be good for you because any choice you make about your future isn't only going to be based on what your husband tells you.

But there's also the chance that by telling the husband about whats been going on the lid of Pandoras Box is well and truly off and life will change for all of you.

I may be wrong but I sincerely believe that this kind of thing is only ever better when its completely out in the open.

And just to say sorry for hurting you with my posts. xx

dilys4trevor · 08/03/2016 19:02

One thing I worry about with this is the way he is making the OW sound almost quite honourable.

When I suspected an affair and H was begging for forgiveness but frantically minimising, I was very suspicious that he seemed very keen to make OW sound good, almost, and seemed very respectful about her. A couple of things he said, nothing specific. That she had thought it 'should stop', that she hadn't done the running. So whilst he was apparently flinging himself at my mercy, I was on high alert over this.

Later on, he was a lot less nice about her and said she HAD done all the running after all. My suspicion was that whilst at first he seemed as if he wanted to get forgiven, he was also keeping options open with her and had been careful therefore not to get her into any hot water around her own conduct, lest they end up in a relationship and and I went around bad mouthing her. He didn't want me to cause trouble for her. Then maybe she had also kicked him to the kerb and so then he started being a bit less nice.

Just a thought but the making her sound a bit honourable thing might have a more sinister reason behind it. I.e. so you will not contact her or get her into any strife.

I hope not though. And I hope he is just a man being searingly honest.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2016 19:05

Op, I am sorry to say he hasn't chosen you. He has settled for you because she knocked him ack. You would be a fool to be somebody's fall back option. That kind of scenario wrecks your self esteem and erodes his respect for you. How could it not ?

AnyFucker · 08/03/2016 19:05

*back

Helmetbymidnight · 08/03/2016 19:10

What a truly wonderful woman the ow is!

Your dh has got it bad I'm afraid, op...

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 09/03/2016 02:21

Thank you all. No one's upset me, no one's said anything I haven't thought myself. I'm still in denial, I know I am. What's bothering me most today is that I consider myself a smart, savvy woman and I missed all this going on under my nose.

OP posts:
notonyurjellybellynelly · 09/03/2016 03:49

What's bothering me most today is that I consider myself a smart, savvy woman and I missed all this going on under my nose

You are also a decent woman not versed in the ways of deceit and the seedy side of life so why would you recognise it - even right under your nose?????

Done be so hard on yourself. xxx

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 09/03/2016 07:00

Exactly-you wouldn't see something that you that you had no reason to look for. And when you found evidence you acted on it.

dilys4trevor · 09/03/2016 07:50

I felt the same: how could I have missed it? It was right under my nose at our shared workplace!

I missed it because I wouldn't have dreamed anyone could be that deceitful. That anyone could have been that brass necked. That anyone could have lied so repeatedly and casually. And then when I finally suspected, that anyone could call me 'mad' for doing so and make me feel like I was unhinged.

You didn't suspect because you're not an arsehole and you'd never have dreamed your H could be such a cunt.

blindsider · 09/03/2016 11:19

Carson

Thank you all. No one's upset me, no one's said anything I haven't thought myself. I'm still in denial, I know I am. What's bothering me most today is that I consider myself a smart, savvy woman and I missed allthis going on under my nose.

Don't beat yourself up, I am a super cynic and a bit of a sleuth, my wife had been carrying on for 6 years before I caught her red handed I had spent 3 years trying to get proof. She was a sly one!!

blindsider · 09/03/2016 11:21

Dilys
And then when I finally suspected, that anyone could call me 'mad' for doing so and make me feel like I was unhinged.

That really pissed me off, bizarrely my first emotion on catching her was relief, I had begun to second guess myself and was wondering whether I was a Paranoid jealous nutjob Blush

iamnotwhat · 09/03/2016 11:36

Know that feeling well too blindsider.

I believe it's called gaslighting

iwuddarryl · 09/03/2016 17:35

What exactly could I say to her husband? "Your wife has had my husband following her around town like a lovesick puppy

Why not? GrinI bet the thought of the OW's husband coming round to read him the riot act will SOON shatter his rose tinted spectacles.

iwuddarryl · 09/03/2016 17:41

Just a thought but the making her sound a bit honourable thing might have a more sinister reason behind it. I.e. so you will not contact her or get her into any strife.

My thoughts exactly. He's running scared that you will contact her and her husband.
This is why you should find out

Her name
Her phone number.
Where she lives.

Even if you don't do anything (which you probably shouldn't anyway) he won't know that. Just letting him know that you have information on her will have him by the short and curlys.

You will have some power over him.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 09/03/2016 18:39

He is still adamant he doesn't have her phone number. He knows vaguely where she lives but not her address. Anyway, I don't think I am ready to heap a whole load of misery onto another person just yet. I don't know what I think of the situation myself yet, not really.

Not particularly proud of this but I have had my home security camera running on my phone all morning whilst I was at work and I watched DH leave in his car and come back about 90 mins later. Wouldn't have thought anything of this a couple of weeks ago but of course now I am thinking he has met her, although he wouldn't go into town in his car as it is in easy walking distance and parking is not cheap. He could have gone anywhere, shops or to get some lunch or whatever. I'm going to drive myself insane, aren't I?

You were all right, the anger is coming. I'm not happy that he has turned me into a wife who spies yet here I am, looking at his stationary car on the driveway via my phone.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2016 18:42

I would not let anyone bring me that low.

Nurture that anger, it is long overdue.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/03/2016 18:49

Ask him what he's been doing today. And wait for him to lie. Because he will

ILikeUranus · 09/03/2016 19:04

Yes ask him casually about his day, what does he mention?

I can't believe he still hasn't disclosed how he contacted her to arrange meeting up. Bumping into her on the street every time and never asking for a way to contact her is not at all convincing - especially as he was 'falling in love' with her!

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 09/03/2016 19:05

I know, Uranus. But he is still standing by that so what can I do?

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 09/03/2016 19:05

He doesn't know her phone number? How did they arrange the two late nights out when you were away? Where did they go then?

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 09/03/2016 19:08

He says he wasn't with her then. One night he puts down to work commitments and the other he says he wasn't out, at least not any later than 9pm.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 09/03/2016 19:11

So he says he has fallen in love with a woman who he's met- how many times?- in a coffee shop and one time they happened to be..out ...and went to see a film?

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