Should I say anything or just leave it?

[CarsonTheButler]

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you Carson. I don't think that you have handled it badly at all. You may well have been a bit head in the sand, but it must have felt overwhelming to think about what you might uncover and what the consequences of that might mean.

Sadly it very much sounds like he is having an affair, regardless of his protestations that nothing physical has happened. He has admitted to you that he is falling in love with her. That must sting, a lot. I would be very surprised for this proclamation of love to come before anything physical had happened. It is highly likely that much more has happened between them, but he's saying as little as he feels he can get away with.

I would be having a long hard think about someone who can hide how he is feeling from you and hide that he has met someone, gone on several dates with them. I am not sure if I could live with someone like that.

I've been following and not posting because I remember all of this well from my own marriage and it still hurts now, even though we are over and done and separated.My h had an allegedly EA only affair with a work colleague and I have never fully got over it.I admire your determination to work this out with your dh to protect the kids and the life you have.But what about protecting yourself?
For me those feelings of humiliation, questioning myself and at times blistering anger at h never really left and I knew I couldn't carry on in the marriage after many years of trying.
for you op. I sincerely hope he has told you everything and that if its what you want and you feel it's possible,that you can both work on the Marriage and sort it all out.

I sincerely hope he has told you everything

I concur with with this sentiment, as in my experience they will only admit to what you can prove (although your husband seems to have volunteered some hurtful extras) it is better the boil is lanced, as the truth will out eventually and if it is enough to break you it will anyway. Far better to know where you stand and then move forward rather than all the sordid details being drip fed in continually setting you back.

How are you doing Carson? Hope you're ok

I'm so sorry to read the posts of all of you who have been through this or something similar. Thank you for sharing your experiences, I do appreciate that.

DH and I have talked a lot. I do think he has told me everything and I feel he has answered my questions. I think if he were holding some things back, he wouldn't have told me some of the things he did, like his feelings for this woman or intimate moments that they had. He also wasn't blaming me. If anything, he is blaming himself for getting into such a foolish situation and for not talking to me sooner about how he was feeling. I still don't understand how he can become so fond of someone who he had known for such a short time. I did ask him, he didn't know the answer but I did get a detailed description of just what he thought was so wonderful about her which made me wish I had never asked.

I'm just tired. So tired. I feel like driving myself to a nearby motel and just staying the night there on my own and sleeping and I would if I could be bothered to get all the things I would need gathered and packed. I just don't feel up to even that right now. I know it will get easier but at the moment things seem very hard. I spent the entire day at work wondering what DH was doing, if he was seeing her etc. I am guessing (hoping) it gets easier.

So you don't believe him when he says he's not going to see her again?

"Oh lord. The script! (Just what I was about to post 'has anyone posted the cheaters script yet?' OP you need to read up on this!)

First the lie. (Its completely innocent, i forgot to mention her, there's no relationship)
Then the minimising. (But i didnt shag her - oh thats ok then!! Not!)
Then the blaming you. (Also look up gaslighting)

He's galloping through this script at a rate of knots isn't he?

Op sorry to say this but there's more to this than he's letting on now."

My ex was cheating on me with 2 ow, home at 1730 every night, no nights out alone. They both worked in his office, he was shagging them without either of them knowing either. An unused room at work, cars, local woods...

8 YEARS after I caught him and kicked him out he finally admitted it following a row with ow no 2 and trying to get into my pants!! That's even though she fell pregnant while he was still with me (until then he lied baby was prem).

Numerous other threads on here similar story, loads I know in real life too.

Good luck you're gonna need it, find your anger!

I don't know if I believe him when he says he isn't going to see her again but what can I do about that? I've told him in no uncertain terms that there will be no third chance if he continues to see her. I do know he is genuinely sorry for hurting me and jeopardising our life together by behaving like he has. I think he was kidding himself that because they hadn't slept together, he hadn't crossed any line that couldn't be uncrossed and it was all "innocent" but now realises he has.

Even though the contributions to this thread have shown me that sexual affairs can and do happen entirely in working hours, he maintains he hasn't and I have no evidence he has. At this precise moment in time, I am not sure I even care. I think a shag would have been easier to cope with than the emotional affair he has been having.

One thing that jumps out for me is his excuse of not having bring happy before you moved and then the move came up and he thought the chance might help change things between you both.

Yet you moved 4 months ago so November time. And he says he met her when you were away on business, also November time.

He didn't exactly give it long for things to work out between you and to sort out his happiness in the relationship did he? What a couple of weeks in your new country and he'd already met someone else

Fatima

That is an interesting point makes one wonder if he was merely filling a vacancy created by his move....

I understand the bit about finding a shag easier to forgive than the EA bit but IMO they are two sides of the same coin. I would not forgive my DH for either tbh.

My Ex had an EA that went on for over a year. Once he had shagged her the bubble burst and he wanted to come back to me. He had treated me so badly during the EA I laughed in his face at this and he stuck with her. I think men go into EA mode when the woman holds off from sex or in the early stages when it's not yet appropriate to have sex. I could actually pinpoint the night they shagged for the first time as the following day he was actually back on this planet and the rose tinted spectacles were off and in a million pieces, it was very weird.

I agree it moved very quickly. But I´m still unclear if the husband´s feelings were reciprocated by the OW, or was it all one-sided with him doing the chasing and becoming infatuated.....

Hopefully the OW did not feel as strongly as the husband or she may not be so easily dissuaded from making contact. I really hope the husband has had a reality check and realises what he stands to lose, thereby prioritizing his marriage and family above a pointless and futile ¨affair¨.

It could well be that the OW only ever viewed him as a friend anyway, and it was all him getting carried away. He maybe bullshitted her that his wife actually was cool with him going to the cinema with a woman she´d never met....? Well it´s not beyond the realms of possibility. The OW is an unknown quantity in all this after all. Just trying to look at it from all angles.

I'm actually surprised he admitted the falling in love bit. This is the bit i'd 'minimise' the most if I were a cheating twat.

That said, my H admitted the sex bit very last of all. What he didn't realise was that for me, that was just another layer of deceit. What had ended the marriage was the emotional bit and the general deceit of the affair. And since it was at our place of work, where I was the boss, the fact anything had taken place with her was a deal breaker. But he never seemed to get that. He thought almost until the end that he might get forgiven.

I am guessing the admitting of the sex bit is that last part of the script, if that bit ever gets owned up to at all. I guess because of the obvious 'adultery' implications of the divorce. They can't be seen to be bang to rights. Being the real victim an all.

Possibly, the fact that he admitted the love bit is an illustration that he IS laying bare everything. And that he does want to work it out. It certainly makes him vulnerable from all angles. I hope it means he is sincere, rather than just like all the rest.

I realise that this is a massive generalisation but often (not always) men see sex as the ultimate betrayal, women see the love as the worst thing. So a man might happily admit to loving the ow quite glibly, thinking that his wife will be less bothered by that than sex, as he would be if the roles were reversed

I think that's right bitoutofpractice. Exh was adamant that he hadmt had sex with his ow.He didn't realise that it didn't matter to me wether he had or not, the rest of it was enough for me.
Hope you are ok OP. You sound almost resigned to this situation at times-'what can you do about it if he is seeing her still?'. That worries me a bit as I feel like you might be undervaluing yourself and your right to be in an honest, stable and happy marriage for the sake of not rocking the boat.Sorry if that sounds judgey-not trying to be at all...just concerned.

yes i agree too - what upset me was that my h was looking for affection, support, love etc from elsewhere. Why was he 'available' at all. I agree about the timeline, your h was hardly giving the move a chance or communicating anything about his unhappiness, it sounds like a retrospective rationalization to me. But people do make mistakes and recover from them.

Please go ahead and judge or criticise if you think it will help. I know everyone here has the best intentions and to be honest, without this thread I don't know if I would ever have asked him about the tickets in the first place.

I wouldn't say I was resigned to all this, as such. However, other than him saying he won't see her, what else can I do to make sure he doesn't? As far as I can see there isn't anything. Would welcome any tips or tricks at ensuring he doesn't but really, if he doesn't take the threat of our relationship being over and our family breaking up seriously then there's not a lot I can do.

Even though DH said he wasn't happy before we moved here, he said he never had any real thoughts about meeting someone else and this woman "just happened". He admits he has been a fool and an idiot and that he lost leave of his senses at a woman "like her" giving him the time of day. The feelings weren't totally reciprocated. According to DH, she is the one who put the kibosh on it going physical, though he admits she agrees they crossed the line between friends and something else.

if he doesn't take the threat of our relationship being over and our family breaking up seriously then there's not a lot I can do.

i would agree with this Carson I spent years putting up with a cheating twat of a fiancee and kept forgiving as i wanted to be with him, only to be the idiot he dumped just before our wedding for the OW. I was the one putting myself on the line like an idiot and wanting him practically begging him to stay when in fact i shouldve accepted after multiple cheating he wasnt interested and kicked him to the kerb.

You can only tell your H how you feel, draw the line and let him know what he stands to lose and go from there. You need to rebuild the trust somehow to stand any chance of having a future if thats what you want, you cant live forever checking up on him if you do stay together!
So from my POV i would say you have done all you can for now and need to see if he loves you and values your marriage enough to drop her as you asked and give your relationship the chance it deserves to rebuild.

If you then find out he hasnt stopped seeing her later down the line then you know he has no respect for you at all. People can forgive and move on, some can never forget it, everyone is different and only you know how to deal with your relationship and if you can have a future with him

Just take a step back a mo and take in how well you've dealt with this so far.

There are no easy answers, especially not when you're going to have to rely on the one thing that's been destroyed (i.e. trust). Go with your gut instinct, keep your eyes open, and trust in yourself

Sorry but I don't think your relationship stands a chance unless he can own his actions - his relationship with this woman "just happened"? Bollocks it did, it's not even like they were forced together by work etc and if it's true that she was cooler about it than he was then he must have been the one doing the pursuing.

No tips or tricks I'm afraid, he's suffered no consequences for his actions so he'll have no reason to stop, he'll just be less careless about leaving cinema tickets and the like hanging around in his pockets.

I think what DH meant by "just happened" is that he wasn't looking and it was this particular woman who made him act like this, rather than the need to meet someone else. Well, that's what I got from it.

Why don't you give him 6 months to prove to you that he is genuinely happy to do all he can make you feel loved and cherished and secure in this relationship - ie taking a call from you immediately at any time of day (or calling straight back if he's in a business call), giving you his phone to check at any time etc. In 6 months time (don't tell him ahead of time), if he hasn't made you feel secure, leave. If he has made you feel secure, get him to take a polygraph test asking if he's had any contact with her since [whatever date]. You should also ask if he shagged her, if that's a deal breaker for you.

So if he wasn't looking how did he get to know her well enough to start an affair with her? Sorry it doesn't add up and is still all about him minimising and lying (falling in love with someone whose surname he doesn't know? Pffft).

I'm not unsympathetic, last year I found myself feeling attracted to someone at work, however I went out of my way to keep any conversation strictly work related and made sure I didn't bump into him during breaks etc. If you feel the onus is on you to make sure he doesn't see her rather than him bending over backwards to restore your trust and work out what he should have been doing to address his alleged unhappiness in the marriage then it's only a matter of time before it all falls apart... unless you can learn to live with turning a blind eye.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

So if she hadn't stopped it it would have turned physical? Is that what he's saying? I guess that's what bothers me most about what he has said about all of this.He hasn't as far as I understand it said that he wanted it to stop, or he realised it was a mistake and stopped it.Its all been able how he felt sad, he 'fell in love' but she stopped it, not him.
I think as his wife you deserve more than that really.
You are right I suppose in so much as there is little you can do to stop him seeing her if he is going to.Im just not so sure it seems that he's done enough to be convincing that he won't.
I'm just really sorry he has done this op.

Sorry, so he has had a spring in his step, she stopped it going further, (he says) He was just one step away from shagging her. the desire was there.

No there is nothing you can do to make certain they are not still contacting each other, but perhaps, you should get your big girls pants on, & tell him if he is going to go on "looking for her or anyone else's company", & ultimately leave, to just tell the truth & stop the death by a million cuts.
The only other way is meeting her I suppose.