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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
iwuddarryl · 06/03/2016 21:45

Where's the anger?

I would be spitting bullets at the admission of ''I wanted it to get physical'' wtf.

He's more or less admitted to the fact he has been having an Emotional Affair more than likely physical as well right under your nose.

Bloody hell!

Nodowntime · 06/03/2016 21:57

Hey everyone, give the OP a break! :(

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/03/2016 22:15

I'm sorry, OP. I posted earlier (although I hope it didn't feel like an attack, I tried to be friendly and helpful) but I'm still very sorry that the conversation went the way it did. It must have hurt like anything to hear that he did want more and would have slept with her had you not mentioned it.

I agree that you have to trust him a bit to get anywhere from here, but equally don't let him take you for an idiot. Keep your wits about you and look out for signs that he's placating you or seeing her again. I expect you could tell from his body language. He should be moving mountains to make this up to you. Make sure he does.

FunnymalsOnPop · 06/03/2016 23:38

Horrible - so sorry you're going through this, Carson. But at least the wondering is over and you can get on with the next stage, which is Fix It Or Get Out. Working through it will be painful, but at least at the end you'll have resolution, one way or the other.

We're here for you.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 06/03/2016 23:42

I don't think anyone has been harsh on here, I can see where you're all coming from and if I were reading this thread I would be wondering exactly why the OP seemed so naive and spineless.

As for where the anger is, I don't feel angry. I feel upset, worried about the future for our family but overwhelmingly I feel humiliated. Totally and utterly humiliated that my husband has met, got to know and started to fall in love with (yes, he said that) some woman all without my knowledge and since we arrived in this country just a few months ago.

I don't intend to be taken for an idiot, even though I have been up to now. DH knows he has been totally out of order and I can only believe that he wants to make it right. He is well aware how much he has hurt me. We still have more talking to do, a lot more, before we can move forward, but we both want to, which is a start.

OP posts:
notonyurjellybellynelly · 07/03/2016 01:31

Carson, this is just to acknowledge your post, and your pain.

Im so sorry this has happened to you.

SoThatHappened · 07/03/2016 02:34

Totally and utterly humiliated that my husband has met, got to know and started to fall in love with (yes, he said that) some woman all without my knowledge and since we arrived in this country just a few months ago.

You do know it is probably a full blown affair right? If he loves her that isnt just going to go away and he may turn resentful towards you.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/03/2016 04:25

Oh lord. The script!

First the lie. Then the minimising. Then the blaming you.

He's galloping through this script at a rate of knots isn't he?

Op sorry to say this but there's more to this than he's letting on now.

MoominPie22 · 07/03/2016 06:24

It must have been very hurtful indeed listening to what he had to reveal. Sad That is very fast given you´ve only been there a few months! Did he say if his feelings were reciprocated by the woman? Or was it him doing all the chasing?

Hopefully she didn´t feel as strongly as him otherwise this might cause problems if she were to continue contact/pursuit of your OH. I expect her husband is just as much in the dark about it all as you were! Very hurtful though, all this deceit! Angry

I hope he´s motivated to give your marriage his full focus and ditch this OW then, and you both can get past this. Thank God you found those tickets and posted on here otherwise it could´ve been a lot worse if you´d remained ignorant or chose to ignore!

Best of luck for the future.Smile

dilys4trevor · 07/03/2016 08:10

So sorry you are dealing with this OP.

One thing I would say, since you clearly want to save this marriage, is that you should consider delivering him a shock.

Like, you're not sure you can trust him. Like, what's he doing to do to fix this? Like, maybe you're not sure about him anymore.

At the moment, all he is being required to do is drop it. Where's the grovelling?

When I rumbled an affair I immediately made him move out and told him it was over. this was whilst I worked out whether it was or not. He very much shit himself and said he'd do anything etc. I'm not sure he would have if I had just immediately said 'ok let's save this!' Things ended badly anyway as he committed suicide (long story, not just about the affair) but my point is: he needs to get a glimpse of what might he might lose. Doesn't sound like he's been under any threat of that yet. Why wouldn't he just carry on?

dilys4trevor · 07/03/2016 08:22

Oh and by the way, at the point of rumbling it, he was claiming it had just been a drunken snog and some late night chats/messaging. Even thought I was hurt and scared I know bullshit when I see it and it was obvious more had occurred.

Secretlove · 07/03/2016 08:36

I think he needs a shock as well. I would threaten to speak to her. He won't like that. In fact, I know it is not a popular opinion on here, but I think I would actually speak to her and tell her very directly to back off or I would be telling her husband.

What is worrying is that there are feelings involved. What does 'starting to fall in love' mean? I think it is a very precarious situation if she feels the same way. And if she is spending day times in the cinema with a married man, she may feel the same way as him.

It must have hurt to know he has feelings for her and admitted he wanted it to go further. Hopefully you don't find out there has been more to it or that they desperately want to be together.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/03/2016 08:43

I wouldn't speak to her. I'd speak to a solicitor and make sure he knows it.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 08:52

So, op

When he is grieving his lost love will you comfort him ?

iamnotwhat · 07/03/2016 09:02

Speaking as someone who's just come out of a marriage with a narcissistic arse, I agree with BitOutOfPractice.

DH successfully lied to me for over 15 years, each time managing to make me feel me stupid and controlling. He looked me in the eyes etc too.

So sorry you're going through this. All the best to you and DD x

McButtonwillow · 07/03/2016 10:20

So he hasn't been happy for a while but instead of approaching you and raising this issue he has started having clandestine meetings with another woman and started to fall in love.

He's very nicely put the responsibility for his affair (and that is what it is regardless of whether they had sex) back on your shoulders by blaming it on his "unhappiness"

Can't you see how unfair that is?

McButtonwillow · 07/03/2016 10:25

Oh and I'm sorry op but you don't start to "fall in love" with someone after a few coffee dates and a cinema trip.

I can imagine you're in shock right now but please don't let him make you feel humiliated. You have done nothing wrong.

JC22334 · 07/03/2016 10:29

"I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer."

Whatever has happened has happened whether you know about it or not - would you rather be ignorant or in the know? There might be a completely simple and plausible explanation.

Please ask him and get a straight answer - for your own sanity.

blindsider · 07/03/2016 10:37

Carson

I actually don't think you have handled this badly at all , in fact quite the reverse you have handled it calmly and maturely and in a manner that gives your preferred outcome the greatest chance of success. Your DH seems to have been unsparingly honest in his chat with you which I take as a good sign, maybe having being caught fumbling with his flies as opposed to his pants down it is the slap he needed to bring him back to reality, only time will tell.

The non contact with his other woman MUST BE absolute to the extent of crossing the road if he sees her approaching in the other direction. If there is ANY contact at all other than her ringing him up and him telling her to fuck off, that will be a sign that there is nothing worth saving!!

WicksEnd · 07/03/2016 10:43

I'm sure your anger will come, I'm sorry he's done this to you.
You've not heard it all yet of that I'm sure, but I guess you feel like you've heard the worst now even if he has slept with her.
You know he's capable of lying. That's one thing you've proved.

MoominPie22 · 07/03/2016 11:10

The concern too is that he's bn away on business prior to having this chat with you and "spilling the beans", therefore he's had ample opportunity to be in contact with OW, concoct a version of events that would suit u and minimize accordingly. Or he's used that time to reflect on his actions and situation, really think about wot he wants ( you or her ) and he's told the OW that it's over.
You won't know which path he's chosen to take when he was away, but only time will tell how it all pans out and if he's true to his word. It's no good guessing, you've only got wot u know with which to work on.
Only u can judge further down the line if he's really changed or not. Fair enough, give him a 2nd chance if u feel it's worth fighting for, but not a 3rd. He needs to work very hard to regain your trust. The oness is on HIM to change if he really loves u, not for U to change or he will recommence the affair.
But obv it's gonna be a joint effort if u feel u both could do with improving things to enjoy a better relationship together.But affairs can never ever be justified and it's a lame, cowardly reason to give, that there were probs within the marriage or he has bn unhappy for some time, therefore he simply HAD to embark on an affair as opposed to address any difficulties he was having with you! A sorry excuse indeed and hardly a great place to be when embarking on a massive life change such as relocating overseas.

NicciNola · 07/03/2016 11:29

The anger will come.

He has, as other posters have said, followed the script. He has minimised, and obviously could be lying about it not being physical (it's likely).

My H had sex with a woman and he minimised and would not admit it, even after I got confirmation from her (yes, I bloody well DID contact her). He finally admitted it, after a lot of fucking heartache.

The absolute cruellest thing is the doubting yourself and being lied to. I'm sure you know this, but just to illiterate that no matter how unhappy he was in the marriage there is NO excuse for what he did. There is no blame on you whatsoever.

Have a big hug OP. It's such a truly awful place to be Flowers

magoria · 07/03/2016 12:33

Someone who is 'falling in love' with another woman is having a date at the cinema which he conveniently forgot to tell you about.

That isn't a chance meeting with rain right at the time a film starts nearly.

It was a date.

magoria · 07/03/2016 12:35

Plus all this time you think he hasn't had the time to meet her?

He clearly has as most films are what 2 hours now?

2 hours out of his working day you uncovered by chance.

Robotgirl · 07/03/2016 12:38

Fucking hell OP.
Really sorry to hear all of this.
How completely horrible for you.
You will get brilliant advice here so keep on posting, love. ThanksThanksThanks

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