Should I say anything or just leave it?

[CarsonTheButler]

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

I would not dream of taking a lady to the cinema whether I had told my wife about her or not (unless wife was also invited but particularly didn't want to go)

I think you should just check the PC at least OP. I mean, he lied by omission re. the cinema thing and he may have lied by omission re the nights out. So if you are waiting to speak with him how can you know what he says is the truth? He would just lie by omission again surely?
Just because you think he isn't a fast mover doesn't mean he isn't at all. That's all you might know but for all you know he could be totally the opposite in this case. How do you know he is even on a work trip? Just because he says so?

And believe me I hope it works out all ok for you, OP but I just think you are being a bit too naïve for your own good.

He didn't tell you about cinema because he knows it was wrong, he blatantly lied to you.
If it was innocent he would of told you straight away.

I agree. Nobody forgets they went to the cinema! Especially with a new friend as it's all fresh and exciting isn't it.

What news, Carson? Are you ok?

Sorry, just seen this. I'm fine, have had a lovely week with the DCs and some time to myself. Nothing to report regarding the thread as DH not back til later tonight.

Don't know if I will get the chance to talk to DH over the weekend, it really depends on the kids and what they're up to. If we don't get the opportunity now then I will make sure we do next week.

I don't understand this thread. Ok you obviously don't have a problem at all as your don't seem worried or concerned. Happy to talk about it after weeks. It's a bit weird so I'm not sure I believe this and am going to leave this thread.

If we don't get the opportunity now then I will make sure we do next week.

You are obviously happy to 'turn a blind eye'
You are hoping that if you don't go digging, then it's 'not happening'.

Bit like closing your eyes as a child.
Close your eyes and it's not there.

Good Luck it's not what I'd do
But there you go. We're all different

It's not like OP is refusing to do the digging and pretends it's not there, it's more I think that she thinks she is helpless even if she discovers anything. Apart from saying I'm 100% divorcing you if you don't put a stop to this right now - which is the only thing which might work and which she is not prepared to do - what else can she do?
Even if her DH did get scared of the prospect of being left by his wife, he might be newly infatuated, and is likely to bump into new 'friend' all over the small town, it will not be practically very easy to put a stop to it.

Carson, I really feel for you, it's a crap situation to be in. I don't know how much comfort it would be to you if it didn't get 'fully' physical yet. If they just kiss etc? The thing is, if it eventually gets physical, apart from things like STDs to consider, what if she gets pregnant? And has a baby? Would you still shut your eyes and pretend it's not happening, as long as DH stays with you? Or did he have the snip? Basically, if you don't very dramatically put your foot down, it is very likely to escalate and not run its course and fizzle out, but turn into some soap opera. But then if you do do put your foot down he might say he would stop seeing her to keep your happy, but give in to temptation and still go on and have an affair :(, it's not like you are going to police him.

In your place I would arrange a meet-up with her and her partner (if she actually has one!) asap, and go from there.

Thanks for the posts. I was really upset and concerned but there wasn't much I could have done about anything last week so I tried not to think about it (of course I thought of nothing but, but hopefully you know what I mean)

I'm wasn't happy to leave the conversation I had to have for weeks but I was mindful it was the weekend and the DCs would be around and up later but in fact we did get to speak last night.

I don't want to relay the entire conversation, at times it wasn't pretty. We have a lot of work to do as a couple. He said he hasn't been happy for a while and wanted to address that before but then the move came up and it was an opportunity he thought we should take and that it might change things between us but it didn't really, just kept us really busy. I believe him when he says it hasn't got physical in any way with this woman but that he wanted it to and it probably would have if it had gone on. He still loves me and very much wants to get our marriage back on track.

I can't say I was completely oblivious to this but I thought it was just part of the ups and downs of marriage. I too thought the move would help and thought it had.

I'm upset and shocked but I am positive that we can work through this and that we have to keep talking. I don't think we have really spoken like that in years.

So is he going to cease all contact with this woman?

Yes rabbit. No further contact with her.

he says it hasn't got physical in any way with this woman but that he wanted it to and it probably would have if it had gone on

I suppose it's your choice if you fall for this, OP. IMO there will be more to it and all that you have achieved is to put him on his guard because the underlying discontent is still there. I think you are in a worse position than you were before. Or would you be ok with that too?

I'd want proof of this "no further contact".

He's not exactly known for telling the truth is he? 🙄

I don't know what proof I can ask him for that he hasn't seen this woman. He has said he won't. What else can I demand other than this? As for it not getting physical, I believe him. He spoke at length to me about his feelings for this woman and quite frankly it would have been easier me to hear he had just shagged her and thought nothing of her, but he hasn't and he doesn't. As far as I know there is no way anyone can prove they haven't slept with someone, is there?

If I don't have some trust in him then the relationship is totally gone and neither of us want that.

It's a shame he's had warning. No doubt he'll have spoken to her by now.

Ideally you'd have caught him on the hop and told him straight "You will phone this woman NOW, in front of me, on speakerphone. You will inform her that seeing her was a terrible mistake and that I have found out. You will make it clear to her that your marriage to me comes first and that since your wife is uncomfortable with this friendship you will NOT be seeing or speaking to her ever again."

The fact that he wanted it to get physical with her and in fact would have done so had you not found out would mean game over for me.
I can think of no other place as perfect as a dark empty cinema during the afternoon for a bout of back seat fumbling and blow jobbery. Don't be naive op, they didn't go see a film, they wanted some privacy where nobody would see them and the cinema was perfect.
Contact her, he's lying to you.

OP, that must have beeb so painful to hear. That your husband has feelings for someone else. I wish you all the luck in the world, now and further down the line, because quite often these things only end in tears after people have tried to get things back on track and failed.

Good luck, and here's to your happiness.

I realise I have been incredibly naive and have probably handled this very badly

Look, it doesnt come with a bloody manual so dont be hard on yourself.

But please allow me to be honest here and say that when I was reading your posts I got the distinct impression that you were like ship passing in the night with not much going on in-between times. Even your ability to wait to talk to him - where was your anger and your passion? It just all seemed so cold, and I wondered what it was like being married to each other. It did seem as if you had drifted apart. But thats not to say his way of remedying things was acceptable because its not. Its anything but that. However you just seemed such a pair of cold fishes in your posts. And I really sorry to say that.

You know you dont have to leave your husband because of whats happened, and I do believe there would have been at least necking at the cinema, but neither do you need to try to fix things from under the same roof. Yes it can work but maybe some time apart to try and fix things, or at least let the dust settle would also be possible.

I've thought a lot about all the well-meaning criticisms and comments on this thread and I do appreciate them all. I know they were all meant to help.

Maybe you're right, jellybellynelly, maybe we had grown further apart than I had realised. Cold fish sounds a bit harsh but there is something in that description. I've been so concerned about DCs moving away from the country they had lived in for ten years settling in here that I really haven't been thinking maybe DH is unhappy.

I was bloody angry and confused and shocked and I don't think I conveyed this in my posts here but I was feeling it. I've always been a bit of a bottler up of feelings and giving myself time to work out what I am going to say about things. Maybe in this case that wasn't appropriate. Gah.

I'm so sorry you are going through this shit Carson. I have a horrible feeling about this situation and don't believe you have heard the last from OW. I hope I am wrong. I hope he just nearly got himself into a situation and it scared him. Obviously, you are trying to hold it all together for your DC's.

He did an idiotic thing, a lot of women would have ended their relationship just because of what you have found out so far.

You take your time.

The woman has no loyalty and will only tell you whatever best protects her own backside. You'd be wasting your time contacting her. It would be better to ask him how he used to contact her, (bollocks did he used to 'bump into' her by accident). You need to see a message or hear a phonecall from him to her saying he will not be seeing her any more out of respect for his wife. Then he needs to give you his passwords so you can check his emails and phone at any time while you build up trust again after he lied to you and pursued another woman. If he doesn't willingly do all that, you know he's trying to continue the affair.

No need to apologise to randoms on the internet. Some won't have experienced this to understand how hard it is.

Ok I've come back. I'd ask him to log onto his phone provider website and check his itemised bills. See how much contact they had. Also, did you ask about the nights when you were away and he'd come home late? Urgh I knew he was being dodgy. Hope you're OK op.