Why do some men who leave for OW treat their exes with such contempt?

[ChooChooLaverne]

Just wondering about this as it's happened to a couple of my friends recently and I really can't understand what goes through their minds. Wonder if anyone can enlighten me.
*Disclaimer: obviously I'm only talking about some men here.

So the scenario goes something like this:
Couple have been together/married for a long time and have children. Woman is plodding along in the relationship unaware that anything is wrong. Man suddenly starts acting horribly, picking fault with the woman and comes out with the "I'm unhappy/not sure what I want" speech. Woman bends over backwards trying to sort things out only at some point later down the line to discover there is another woman.
Relationship ends and man becomes completely unreasonable about sorting out finances and childcare. Tries to get the woman out of the marital home, seemingly aggrieved that he is having to pay money to her (even though it's for the children), makes unreasonable demands about wanting/not wanting to have the children, and he talks to her in a way that is disrespectful and downright callous and lacking in empathy.

What prompts someone to behave like this? I get that he might paint her in a bad light to excuse himself for cheating on her - but I don't understand how he doesn't feel some sympathy for how she might feel and I really can't understand the level of contempt.

Can anyone explain this to me?

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

That's why karma is not the most comforting concept !

The best revenge is living well - and I kbow I will sound like my granny but virtue has its own reward - ie be the good people that we all undoubtably are . As people like them won't be loved by good people , and their children won't especially want to care for them when they are old . They just won't have any true love or goodness In their lives . Or experience kindness .
Their loss

[dilys4trevor]

I believe that the spectre of death holds a mirror up to our true selves. When you get old and no one cares for you and you see the people you demonised getting loved....that's when I reckon it hits

[jillyarmeen16]

I don't want to wait for him to be old to get his karma.

[VertigoNun]

I do believe these men and their OW have either a mh issue like depression or a personality disorder. If they are born with a part of their brain missing or its damaged they can no more help having no empathy than someone can help any other disability.

It is shitty and unfair.

Nothing will make it better.

It is what it is.

I watch ex and the ow having lied and cheated my children out of their home and child support have a great life. I see them together and happy, everything going well for them. It hurts. Nothing and nobody is ever going to make it right. I just have to live life as best as I can and accept it.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Vertigo
Can I ask - when you say 'great life' what does that look like ? Are we talking material things ?

I just can't envisage how their extended families and friends can relate to them - unless they are sociopaths too !

Time after time we see posters who struggle seeing this behaviour with their friends /families

It's bloody falling though and yeah waiting till their last breath and the gateway to HELL opening up might be a wait too long

[dilys4trevor]

Yes jilly. Not ideal. Let's hope it happens sooner than that!

[iPost]

I don't believe in karma.

Part of the recent struggle has been coming around to the idea that I am going to have to accept a lack of ... justice.. for want of a better word, as a pre-requisite for real healing.

MrsC asked about counselling. It makes no difference how I feel about it. If I want it, it'll have to be in English and not my second language.. cos this is hard enough in my mother tongue. Which means schlepping to the city, taking time off work and forking out the inflated charges of an "international" practitioner. To make sure I get not just my own lanaguage, but culturally appropriate content.

That would cost a not small fortune. That I do not have.

Meanwhile mistress/wife/widow is sitting on a seven figure sum that does not begin with a 1. Money that is in the greater part direct from my great grandmother and my grandparents. Plus the cash my dad avoided spending on child support for me.

No justice to be found there.

On the other hand. I watched my great grandmother and my grandparents dangle their inheritance over my father at every holiday and high day. Something he never got to do to me. So, I guess that's something.

But I am not the very lovely thing said about me on the thread.

And it rankles. Rankles hard. To the point where I have physically hurt people... inside my head! Not in real life.

I have 32 years of pain to deal with. And she who did a Very Bad Thing... gets 32 diamonds. Probably. Well she could afford them if she wanted them.

And it is that lack of justice that burns and boils. Especially when it comes to her, becuase there is no love, or bond to act as an anti acid on my rage, hate and desire for a pound of flesh.

But there will be no justice. And I think I am going to have to find a way to get past that if I want to get past all of it.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

I decided to step away from this thread after a few recent posts from somebody who has zero understanding of being in a situation like this and I am tired of getting angry about it! I have had enough misery over the past couple of years.

i-post, I now understand your position about counselling. I mentioned it because for me, it saved my life, literally. I was very lucky to receive it on the NHS and indeed the therapist was truly an angel. I will always be very grateful and glad that I did it. It helped me breathe again.

In terms of karma, I know that not everybody believes in it, but I have seen too many examples in my lifetime to know that it exists in some form or another. I only have to look at my ex-h to see the state he's in and know that this situation has taken its' toll despite him inflicting all of it on himself. I know they are very widely judged, that everybody believes OW was shagging my husband before hers was killed, she has had a business fail embarrassingly publicly, that other significant things have gone wrong for them. I know that my ex has described her as "hard work" and "controlling" go figure!, I know that OW is generally disliked locally, I know that ex-h lost everything he ever worked for when I took him to court, I won 100% of the marital assets. I also won a joint lives nominal order. He can never escape from that. He knows he's let our DS down terribly and will have to live with that for the rest of his sorry life. He knows he's destroyed our entire family, that he's ruined relationships, that he has lost his DSD. They both know that their entire relationship is built on lies and deceit and they have to keep on lying every single day to "validate" it. Would I want that life? No, thanks very much. My ex has turned into such a pathological liar that he has to lie about even the simplest things...how stressful to have to be like that.

One way or another, things come back to bite you on the arse. You just don't always see witness it...

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I recently met an old friend, his dad (millionaire) left his mother- and abandoned the kids. When he died he left a very small pittance to his first batch of kids, and MILLIONS to the second wife (think a Wendy Deng type, and the other kids)

he says he gets through it by practising gratitude for what he does have, and being a better dad than his was. he did have a breakdown though a few years back.

OPOST, I have already sent this data to Dilys but I have a very good therapist, who will also have a network - who is both an experienced therapist and is experienced in abuse. However I have done it 100% by phone. I just pop to a quiet room at work and we speak on the phone. If you want a good English speaking therapist you can get one and do vis distance- you just need to filter and get the right one for you. don't give up!

hurtandconfued2016 BABY PHOTOS!!!!

TheFormidableMrsC ....NO!!!! STAY HERE !!!!

[iPost]

he says he gets through it by practising gratitude for what he does have, and being a better dad than his was

That sounds like a good fit for me. Today DH is teaching DS to shave. I cannot believe my baby needs to shave !

But while it's a little bittersweet on the "OMG it's all flashed by so fast" front, it's going to be beautiful. He is so excited, but trying to hide it by being all "am I bovvered ?".

I'm here. I get to see my child and all his firsts. All his achievements. And I am there to pick him up, hold him tight and dust him off when it goes bent. I have no doubt, no silent moments of "what have I done ?". Becuase I know I love my son, and I no he loves me back, no ifs, no buts, no maybes. I'm here, where he is and he knows I'm not going anywhere. I'll take that. There isn't enough money in the world that could compensate for losing it.

I'd love a PM with the info for the distance therapist. I have days when I think I can fix me by myself. And days when I think an army of therapists with the best tools ever ... would run away screaming "oh hell no, you ask too much of us !". There may be a day in the not so distant future when I come around to the idea that there is a middle ground between the two.

hurt Seconding the over excited call for baby pictures. sweetie.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

iPost, I hope the shaving went well! Bless him, that truly is rite of passage . I will be 104 before my DS is doing that! It seems to me that you have done a marvellous job and you're right in what you say, 100%.

I really think it would be worth trying Stopfuckings therapist. Nothing to lose I guess?

Stopfuckingshoutingatme...I AM STILL HERE...so stop fucking shouting at me .

Hurt hope you're OK and all went well, I am sure I speak for us all when I say we all look forward to hearing from you and hopefully seeing some pics of your beautiful little girl.

I feel a bit sad today. It's my DS's 5th birthday tomorrow. His father has been gone for half his life and has spent that time making mine miserable and being a shit father. Yet he has for the first time ever asked to speak to DS on the phone tomorrow as he won't see him. He's never bothered before and am suspicious of his motives rather than just a dad wanting to wish his son a happy birthday nothing at all to do with the CAF we have coming up . I can't forgive him for forever changing everything, for denying my little boy so much. How dare he.

[hurtandconfued2016]

Here she is everyone my lovely little lady! Which BTW her father still hasn't showed!!

[PiscoSour66]

Beautiful!
Wishing you all the very, very best and good fortune, health, wealth and happiness.
Pisco xxx

[TheFormidableMrsC]

HURT HUGE congratulations, what a stunning little beauty she is! You are so so blessed. I hope you're recovering well and it all went smoothly. I am so excited for you, a wonderful life beckons for you all.

As the the other piece of shit, his actions speak far louder than words. She doesn't need him in her life...she has a wonderful mummy!

Lots of love from me xxx

[OccamsRazorSharpner]

Awww! May she live long and prosper x

[brittanyfairies]

Congratulations, she's beautiful.

[peaceoftheaction]

hurt at your gorgeous girl! beautiful. Congratulations.

formidable happy birthday for tomorrow to your ds. I totally get how you feel. It's hard enough being a single parent, without someone going out of their way to try to make your life a misery.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

hurt - congratulations, she's absolutely scrummy!
Sorry that her sperm donor has refused to show up, what a wankstain he is to be sure. She's better off without him though, if he's going to be that kind of loser.

MrsC - happy birthday to MiniC for tomorrow - hope he has a fab day, I'm sure he will because you will make it so for him.
xxx

[dilys4trevor]

hurt, this is what life is all about. Not sociopathic numbskulls who walk around thinking with their willies. something we've all been unfortunate enough to have encountered.

Congratulations.

Formidable, not sure how these things work (things never got that far with my H before he died) but can you just say no if it might confuse your DS (on his birthday of all days)?

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Hurt what a beauty! You could gaze at that pics for ages....her hat is so pretty. Congratulations.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Hope Hurt is all OK tonight

Thanks lovelies for birthday wishes for my little man. It hurts, it really does. Five years ago we were lying in bed waiting to be induced on his due date (as I was 42 and they wouldn't let me go over). We were excited and snuggled up. My waters broke in the middle of the night. It all went very smoothly and DS was born at 6.20 pm on the 3rd. We've had a run in today...perhaps not a good time to do so, thus feelings exacerbated. I feel so sorry for my little boy, it shouldn't be like this. I don't doubt ex-h is feeling it too.

So, thank you all, I really appreciate it . Oh and dilys, I have decided to allow the phonecall but in the evening rather than before school, that would be too much. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

[Alchemist]

I've been reading but not commenting because it still feels raw in places.

So many hurt people and for what?

Anyway, Hurt I think your baby is so beautiful. Although this means nothing, I am so proud of you. Well done petal and keep on.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Alchemist, you're welcome to join in. Raw is a good description and yes, you do wonder don't you?

[MeMySonAndl]

There was a photo in HONY a few days ago of a guy talking about his marriage. I found it very poignant, he talked about how his ex wife took every decision in his life to the point that there was nothing in the house he had chosen himself. He mentioned about his unhappiness and how it lasted for years until he found a person who taught him that relationships could be wonderful. He finished by saying something like "if you ask my ex wife, she will tell you I left her for another woman".

I have never been unfaithful but I think he had a point... I spent many miserable years telling my ex I wanted a divorce. His response was always "we are not doing that bad", he obviously thought that while things worked for him, the marriage was fine, what I thought was of no importance.

So every time I read somebody claiming that another person destroyed their perfectly happy marriage, I just think... Yeah, right, if the other person was that happy, he or she wouldn't have even noticed the other person.

Having said that, I think there are a lot of people out there that think that because you are the mother and you are keeping the main part of the responsibility of raising the children, you are entitled to the vast majority of the assets. I really wish this was true, but houses have to be sold and standards of living lowered because it is impossible for the resources of a single household to be enough to keep a two households setting at the same standard.

I think that much of the fight it's just people getting into extreme survival mode, aggravated by financial pressures and what each party thinks is back stabbing.

[MeMySonAndl]

And this is where Ivregret not reading the full thread before posting. Apologies