Just wondering about this as it's happened to a couple of my friends recently and I really can't understand what goes through their minds. Wonder if anyone can enlighten me.
*Disclaimer: obviously I'm only talking about some men here.
So the scenario goes something like this:
Couple have been together/married for a long time and have children. Woman is plodding along in the relationship unaware that anything is wrong. Man suddenly starts acting horribly, picking fault with the woman and comes out with the "I'm unhappy/not sure what I want" speech. Woman bends over backwards trying to sort things out only at some point later down the line to discover there is another woman.
Relationship ends and man becomes completely unreasonable about sorting out finances and childcare. Tries to get the woman out of the marital home, seemingly aggrieved that he is having to pay money to her (even though it's for the children), makes unreasonable demands about wanting/not wanting to have the children, and he talks to her in a way that is disrespectful and downright callous and lacking in empathy.
What prompts someone to behave like this? I get that he might paint her in a bad light to excuse himself for cheating on her - but I don't understand how he doesn't feel some sympathy for how she might feel and I really can't understand the level of contempt.
Can anyone explain this to me?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Why do some men who leave for OW treat their exes with such contempt?
ChooChooLaverne · 25/02/2016 10:26
Hurt, I really hope you've sought some legal advice, particularly as there are children and property involved. You have lot to deal with, baby coming on Tuesday (huge congratulations on that, how wonderful for you), concentrate on that at the moment. Do not let anybody take anything from your house. I am so glad to hear you have some support. He is an utter lowlife wanker treating you like this. You and your DC's deserve so much better 
.
iPost - never a truer word...the fuckwittery of it...
. The problem is, they did their "moving on" months and months before you even realise that anything is wrong. Thus, they expect you to catch up immediately and congratulate them and wish them well. Yawn.
She's a lucky little girl in many ways. She has a mum who loves her and who made her (for her part) out of love. She will be fine. As long as each child has at least one parent (or carer) who loves them
with all their heart they will be ok. hurt, 
to you.
6 weeks 
oh god Dilys - that's just so raw. It's critical to have a good therapist that you can gel with. I have a very good one - we actually do it on the phone and she is experienced with abuse. Will pm details if you like .
And for everyone
I just have to say this behaviour the men's is not the behaviour of a normal healthy human being . I know that's hard to swallow when you spent 20 happy (ish) years raising your babies . You must think if they were such a Fucking sociopath why didn't I notice it sooner !
But the ability to shit on people , transfer blame and neglect your children is not that of a normal healthy human being .
There is a world of pain on this thread -and I hope everyone takes steps forward
Inhuman - sociopaths
I
Such sad stories from everyone - I'd like to just add, my XH left four years ago and I have managed to move on - in fact I've never been happier. I recount my stories these days as in a, you'd never believe what my XH did... normally over a coffee with friends etc.
What he did to me made me strong and this month I start a new job, in an entirely different field to where I worked in the UK, I did all my interviews in French and I beat 110 people to get the job. If I'd still been the sad little mouse I was when I was married to him I'd never have tried. But when he left and did what he did I thought Fuck you, I'll show you, and I have.
I've had amazing support the last four years from my brilliant family and friends and they have been amazing. They've taken me on holiday, they look out for me and the DCs, they've been fabulous. Looking at XH's ranty emails to me (because every six weeks or so I get an email where he goes off on one) he's really jealous of my life. He makes little digs about improvements I've made to my house, my holidays, my car, I love it when he does this, it gives me an insight into how shit his life is that he has to be jealous of me. His mad ranting emails give me great satisfaction.
How his life has gone...well he's still with the OW and they play happy families, she's ill a lot and he has to nurse her and look after her youngest DC (things he never did for me or our DCs) but he likes the adulation he gets from other people telling him what a wonderful guy he is for stepping up and doing that. She has no idea that once this stops, he'll stop doing it. He needs this adulation, he needs people to tell him what a great step-dad he is, it's his oxygen. They lurch from one crisis or drama to another, they both seem to enjoy that kind of life. It's not for me, he gave me enough drama when I was fighting to feed my DCs and stop my house being repossessed to pay off his debts.
However, so she can keep her benefits he has to rent a crappy little room in a house share so he can't live with her full-time. So a couple of nights a week he's sent back there to keep up the pretext of her being a lone parent. He went bankrupt and lost the flat he was awarded in our divorce because his name wasn't allowed to be on a mortgage. The mortgage was £310 a month and the flat was 30 mins from Liverpool Street Station and currently has a rental income of £750 a month. He has a flash car, and every product Apple have made, but it's nothing. If and probably when, it ends with the OW, that's all he'll have. He doesn't have his own friends, they're her friends and now he doesn't have his DC because he's dropped them like a lead balloon. He has got to be one of the most pathetic people I've ever met. I might even feel sorry for him one day...maybe.
So 
to all of you who are going through this now and you're hurt and bewildered and don't know what's happening, I promise you life will get better, time really is great healer and in four years time you will probably get out of bed every day with a smile on your face, grateful that your shitbag XH left you and like me, you'll probably be wishing he did it sooner, because life is too short to have devoted so much of it to a twat.
My ex cheated on me for two years (ow didn't know about me - he lead two lives) then when he was caught out (by my mother) and I said I was going to tell ow (they even had a house/mortgage together) be went to the police, lied that he had been in a physically abusive relationship with me and asked if he could take out a restraining order to protect him and ow.
This was his vile attempt to stop the truth coming out. Police came to see me, said they didn't believe a word he said.
But it's still on record and I worry it will impact my adoption chances later.
Self-preservation at it's worst.
I had a nervous breakdown about six months later.
Some awful stories here.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Yes, it sounds soooo familiar. I can even trace "D"p's contempt of me to the start of his cheating. He knows how devastated I am, so rather than confront his own behaviour, he turns it back on me, hoping that I'll just "go away".
Fat chance!
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I hate the expression "move on" as well. I left my abusive x but it took close to five years and psychotherapy to get over it.
Move on,three days after leaving a pregnant wife
omg
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
We'll all "move on" when we're good, ready and able to do so. Fuck them and their deluded shit..
hurt, I am sure I speak for all of us on this thread when I wish you lots of luck for Tuesday when your beautiful DD arrives. She is a hugely lucky little girl having you...the rest of it...well you know where we all are
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.