Why do some men who leave for OW treat their exes with such contempt?

[ChooChooLaverne]

Just wondering about this as it's happened to a couple of my friends recently and I really can't understand what goes through their minds. Wonder if anyone can enlighten me.
*Disclaimer: obviously I'm only talking about some men here.

So the scenario goes something like this:
Couple have been together/married for a long time and have children. Woman is plodding along in the relationship unaware that anything is wrong. Man suddenly starts acting horribly, picking fault with the woman and comes out with the "I'm unhappy/not sure what I want" speech. Woman bends over backwards trying to sort things out only at some point later down the line to discover there is another woman.
Relationship ends and man becomes completely unreasonable about sorting out finances and childcare. Tries to get the woman out of the marital home, seemingly aggrieved that he is having to pay money to her (even though it's for the children), makes unreasonable demands about wanting/not wanting to have the children, and he talks to her in a way that is disrespectful and downright callous and lacking in empathy.

What prompts someone to behave like this? I get that he might paint her in a bad light to excuse himself for cheating on her - but I don't understand how he doesn't feel some sympathy for how she might feel and I really can't understand the level of contempt.

Can anyone explain this to me?

[ChooChooLaverne]

Sorry to hear that MrsC.

The two friends I know that this has happened to are so confused by the way the person who was supposed to love them has turned into someone so mean. It is such a shock.

[iloveberries]

A person who caused hurt, can be really horrible to a person whose pain holds up a mirror to the least attractive side of their nature. They get frustrated and angry with the person who is hurt, becuase they don't want to see their unattractive behavoir/traits reflected back at them.

^ definitely.

There is also a case I know of (unique maybe) where the man was so emotionally manipulated by the wife that he really thought he was the unreasonable one and it wasn't until he left that he realised actually his Ex W had been controlling him for years and was actually not a nice person at all. It took for him to get out of the relationship to see her for what she is. And yes, he loathed her once he'd left, she was dreadful and all his friends admitted they'd never liked her and it all came out of the woodwork.

But in most cases I think yes they are trying to relieve their guilt.

[iPost]

Memories of what MrsC has been through... I also think it is possible that continued kicking is a strategy to wear a hurtee out, grind them down. To knock the fight out of them. So the hurter stands a better chance of winning in terms of settlement. Becuase the hurtee gets too punch drunk and battle weary to put up much of a fight for their corner.

[ChooChooLaverne]

berries that is a different situation though. I'm not talking about people who have been in abusive relationships - that's a perfectly natural reaction surely for the man you know. I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say I loathe my ex (he was/is EA) but I really don't like him.

The people I'm talking about have been in seemingly happy/normal relationships until the point of the OW appearing - and it's only then that the man seems to hate their partner.

[iloveberries]

true - but seemingly happy relationships aren't always happy.

I think in some cases the new partner (OW) can't stand him having an amicable relationship with ex so they fan the flames due to their insecurity.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Probably because he blames the ex for the fact he can't be off, free of responsibilities to be with little miss sexy pants.

[carabos]

My XH and the OW did all that AND acted as if I was the OW in that everything I did, like involve solicitors to get maintenance for our child, was because I wanted to spoil their fun. She was welcome to him, but she acted as if it was me trying to steal him from her, not the other way round. Quite bizarre.

As others have said, it's guilt. Who leaves a nice woman, child/ren and home? Only a cunt would do that, and he's not a cunt is he, so she must be a bitch. There's no other explanation. .

[brittanyfairies]

My ex did this to me and still does to some extent, he ended our 17 year marriage with a three minute phone call and a change of status on Facebook.

He did really terrible things to me and the DCs and he has completely rewritten history with regards to our marriage. The people he mixes with now have never met me, none of our shared friends stuck by him. With him it's all about money. He went crazy on the credit cards and the equity in the mortgage when he left, spent over £20K in six months - with nothing to show for it. So when he started having to pay it back he blamed me, told everyone (and still does) that I was responsible for his financial downfall. Declared himself bankrupt and the only asset he had was the house that had been given to me in the divorce (he'd been able to keep a more valuable property in the UK) and he nearly made me and the DCs homeless - it cost me money and a lot of fighting to keep that house and prove that it was mine.

He told people that I'd never worked once the DCs were born (From the time DC1 was six months old I did childminding during the day and worked in an office from 6 till midnight five days a week).

He really resents paying maintenance and if he could find a way out of it he would, he thinks I spend it all on botox and handbags.

He doesn't visit the DCs, managed 9 days last year, hasn't spoken to DC1 since December. But is playing very happy families with his partner (OW) and her children all over Facebook which breaks my children's hearts.

But he tells people the reason he doesn't see them is because I prevent him from doing so - so he knows he's doing wrong but isn't man enough to accept responsibility for his own actions.

He has done and continues to do some vile things to me, I've detached from him and try to be virtually NC, sometimes he presses my buttons and draws me in, but I think this is what he wants.

I think with my ex he needs to justify his behaviour to his new friends and possibly the OW so he has turned me into some kind of evil character in his head to justify his behaviour, I think he lies so well that he eventually believes his lies.

I also think he's just incapable of splitting himself between two families, he's either all or nothing, so the OW and her family get all because they're there and he needs to prove to them he's a great guy and a great catch, and his own DCs get nothing, maybe a Skype call for five mins once a week if enough.

He has always played the victim though, all through our married life any troubles encountered were the result of someone else, problems at work, with friends, colleagues etc it was all something they had done. Basically, he's incapable of taking responsibility for his own actions.

[SoupDragon]

Because the man in question is a wanker.

[DontCareHowIWantItNow]

happens the other way too- I've known women with an OM treat their husbands exactly the same.

Me too.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I think its a weird way of alleviating their guilt

"she is a bitch! I never realised this before, what a BITCH she is!"
then they can allow themselves to be complete and utter cxxts

[NewLife4Me]

So they don't feel guilty, it's a justification in their eyes.

[iloveberries]

brittany - my heart breaks for your DC. What sort of man could do that??? At least you sound strong. Have you told him straight how much your DC are hurting? I know you shouldn't have to but.....

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

brittanyfairies

I hope your ex slips on a piece of dog shit and smashes his face in it!

that's a horrible thing to say but JESUS wept

[iloveberries]

i hope he has his mouth open when he falls in the dog shit

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

[ChooChooLaverne]

Ha ha SoupDragon - well, that's what I think too but I wouldn't have believed that my friend's husband was a wanker before this happened.

brittany - sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds horrendous. I think it's interesting what you say about being incapable of taking responsibility for his own actions and I wonder if this is a common theme too. Whether most of these men have always been that way.

My ex didn't cheat on me (as far as I know) but someone else always got the blame for anything he ever did wrong. I used to get a lot of accusations about not letting him see DS more even though I've never stopped him - but I guess that sounds better to say to other people than "I would see him more often but I can't be arsed".

I think carabos has got it with this:
As others have said, it's guilt. Who leaves a nice woman, child/ren and home? Only a cunt would do that, and he's not a cunt is he, so she must be a bitch. There's no other explanation.

And berries I think you're right that the OW often inflames the situation. That's another question - I don't understand why on earth she is jealous when she's won the 'prize' of the woman's husband???

[Secretlove]

I wrack my brains every day about this. Exh left several years ago and he has tried to destroy me ever since. He is disproportionately angry towards me. He couldn't be worse if I had murdered someone.

I don't have a theory except he got much worse after I wouldn't take him back so there must be an element of revenge. I think he hates me getting on with my life.

He has also rewritten history and blames me for everything although he didn't decide that until a year after he left.

I don't think its guilt. He is so arrogant he would never question his behaviour whatsoever.

[ChooChooLaverne]

Secret - sorry to hear about your situation.

I wonder if that is to do with control in his case if he is so arrogant. Maybe he couldn't understand why you wouldn't take him back (obviously he is such a catch!) so is more to do with him having a massive toddler style tantrum because you wouldn't let him have his own way.

[TwoMag314s]

My x is the same as Pannetone's. He won't look me in the eye. Has contempt for me.

He was verbally, financially, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me. After I left him, he re-wrote history, made out I'd chased him to begin with. NOT true. I had doubts.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yes, it's been said - it's an avoidance tactic, they don't like feeling guilty so they re-write history to make out that the wife is actually the reason that they shagged around, and either left to be with OW, or were forced out, totally unreasonably, by the W divorcing them for adultery.

So - man feels guilty about cheating in the first place, so starts the not-so-subtle routine of picking fault with the wife. Wife doesn't understand and responds to picking fault in various ways, including appeasement. However, cheating H will have a way round ALL of these, because to accept he's doing wrong will --> guilt and his own discomfort, which he can't be doing with.

If wife appeases, he feels she's "pathetic"; if she resists, it gives him good reason to think she's unreasonable.

When he finally leaves/ is kicked out, it's definitely in his own best interest to believe that it's all HER fault, and not his. He's a poor misunderstood bloke who was doing his best, not feeling the love enough, and just had to find it elsewhere.

Of course this works the other way around too! It's just more common for the man to do it.

IME (own and friends) the first 2 weeks after the split is the best time to get anything out of the now-ex. I mean in terms of discussion, truth, and finance. After that, their guilt will be turned to self-congratulation on getting out of a bad relationship - so make the most of those 2 weeks of guilt and get everything possible in writing.

Once the history re-write is complete, the guilt is gone and the ex will now just see the abandoned spouse/partner as an inconvenience, and the more the abandoned one interferes with their new life, the more the re-writer will come to hate them. PLus it keeps reminding them of the thing they did, which, even though it is now completely justified in their own heads, still doesn't look good, so they hate the person rather than their own acts.

It's very boring, but most cheaters who leave/ are forced out, follow this pattern. Not all, but most.

[Secretlove]

Yes choochoo to the control. Three years on he is still trying to tell me what to do, questioning the way I live my life and controlling my life through the children and the finances eg refusing to have the children if he knows I have something arranged.

[gatewalker]

It's called "cognitive dissonance" - many men who do this need to justify their behaviour without the need for accountability, because sometimes accountability is too much to handle.

If they accept accountability, they might have to change, they might have to do some serious soul-searching. They might even have to stay in a situation and with a persona that they've painted as 'intolerable' to avoid the stark truth that it is they who are intolerable, to themselves.

[iloveberries]

As others have said, it's guilt. Who leaves a nice woman, child/ren and home? Only a cunt would do that, and he's not a cunt is he, so she must be a bitch. There's no other explanation.

I don't believe this.....

I know a couple of men who have left because they didn't love their wives and their relationships weren't good. Their wives were "nice" but the relationships weren't. Dysfunctional and bad for the DCs involved. One of the "left exes" i know says that she actually thinks her exH was brave for leaving.