Why do some men who leave for OW treat their exes with such contempt?

[ChooChooLaverne]

Just wondering about this as it's happened to a couple of my friends recently and I really can't understand what goes through their minds. Wonder if anyone can enlighten me.
*Disclaimer: obviously I'm only talking about some men here.

So the scenario goes something like this:
Couple have been together/married for a long time and have children. Woman is plodding along in the relationship unaware that anything is wrong. Man suddenly starts acting horribly, picking fault with the woman and comes out with the "I'm unhappy/not sure what I want" speech. Woman bends over backwards trying to sort things out only at some point later down the line to discover there is another woman.
Relationship ends and man becomes completely unreasonable about sorting out finances and childcare. Tries to get the woman out of the marital home, seemingly aggrieved that he is having to pay money to her (even though it's for the children), makes unreasonable demands about wanting/not wanting to have the children, and he talks to her in a way that is disrespectful and downright callous and lacking in empathy.

What prompts someone to behave like this? I get that he might paint her in a bad light to excuse himself for cheating on her - but I don't understand how he doesn't feel some sympathy for how she might feel and I really can't understand the level of contempt.

Can anyone explain this to me?

Because affairs are inherently unfair. Neither the WS nor the OP want to be the bad guys so they invent (or embroider)a life in which the BS was even more of a bad guy.

Cruel, selfish and self-serving. I sometime think that human being aren't evolved enough to cope with relationships involving real people....

Peace what I am saying is that sometimes when you hear about the exp being shit it's because the person left was blindsided and hurt so in fact what they are doing isn't as bad, but people perceive it to be.

And sometimes somebody could be physically or emotionally abusive (more emotionally ) and not realise it, or the person who has left could feel they were being subjected to it. They may have even felt they tried to repair it, but the person who feels aggrieved by them moving on to another partner / OW/OM may not have seen the signs and noticed their role in driving them away through EA for example. Anyway them being nasty may be them dealing with recovering from that situation

I don't personally subscribe to the thinking the relationship was great and nothing was wrong but they just decided to leave/ cheat if it's an established relationship. There were problems but they weren't discussed or were ignored

I think that is called victim blaming Wahh and you have probably come to the wrong thread for that. Next you will be telling us that DHs only cheat because the DW let herself go a bit...

I have one additional point to add to this brilliant thread and the very brave people on it.

Just remember that if the jerk who left truly believed the cheated is a psychowhatever then why is it that they are generally quite happy for the person they are lambasting to raise their children alone?

I would not be happy for an unhinged psychopathic abusive incompetent evil demon harpy to look after my children but it had to be pointed out to me that to all intensive purposes that is what ex is telling everyone by talking me down to all and sundry whilst having nothing to do with his seemingly disposable offspring.

I now hope most people look at the situation logically from this point of view instead of buying the propaganda. The person creating a stable home and putting family first is not deserving of being crapped on - they are entitled to help getting to grips with the situation and support.

Next time any of you are in the firing line for such bile you can shut the conversation down with a quizzical "so why did he leave the children with me then?"

noticed their role in driving them away through EA

More distancing language that transfers responsibility away from the person who made choices behind another person's back. Not just away from the person making choices, but transferring it squarely onto the back of the person who had no idea a liaison was happening. Becuase it was hidden from them. On purpose.

People who lie and deceive need to take full, wholesale responsibility for lying and decieving.

They may be unhappy. They may be resentful. They may not feel heard. (or none of the above, right up until a moral high ground fig leaf was required)

But what they are not is a puppet, with a spouse who has taken control of their central nervous system, and is loosening their waistband for them, or making their fingers type flirty texts.

They can carry on with "well actually my spouse pushed me into it" as much as they like. But perhaps one of the worst disservices we can do ourselves is swallow our own lies and cop outs. Becuase IMO that makes it impossible to live comfortably and honestly in our own skin.

The truth will usually out. Sooner or later it will out. And then what, if all one has built rests on a foundation made up of cop out, lies and half truth ?

If you know deep down you can't even trust yourself to tell yourself the truth, how do you ever trust anybody else ?

*you=general you

True ipost and one of the major Lundy Bancroft indicators of an abusive personality (besides refusal to take ownership for behaviour) is gas lighting to portray the abused as abusive, which is kind of where Wahh is coming from I think!

Actions speak louder than words.

Occams of course not, and I don't mean it to sound like that and I'm not talking about men but women also. I'm just saying and as I stated before some and not the majority will be because the person who left suffered, and the person who got left wouldn't think about it like that. On these boards we see women suffering all kinds of abuse . Many of those inflicting the abuse wouldn't say they are abusers. So why can't as I say, the reason some people act like arseholes when they finally leave be because they are dealing with leaving that situation ? Or feel they are

And as I said I don't subscribe to if everything being great but they still cheated because I've never been totally happy and thought , I'll go and ruin it, doesn't excuse cheaters actions, as if you are unhappy then you should leave or discuss it and not cheat.

I haven't RTFT but when I replied it was a general conversation about it, so sorry if it's more focused now and my comments are out of place

Some people treat the ex they have left with breathtaking contempt. This thread eloquently and heartbreakingly tells that story. Sometimes, often even, the leaver is cruel and selfish beyond belief.

But sometimes the leaver is desperately escaping from a terrible marriage where they were ignored, belittled, abused and ground down, and the ex simply continues to be her/his abusive self.

I've seen both happen.

Denying the second situation ever exists is another form of victim-blaming.

I'd be very surprised if people who had left marriages because of an abusive spouse then went on to treat that ex spouse hurtfully, badly and with complete contempt for years and years after tbh. That just doesn't make sense to me.

wah, many people manage to move on and have "semi" civil relationships, and of course there are grievances of a 50:50 type basis when normal relationships break up - like what you refer to.

They provide for the children, they see their children, they treat their exes with a modicum of respect, they make use of mediators, arrange 50:50 custody, manage to sit in a school play together, attend birthdays etc

the people that this thread refer to are sociopathic abusive psychopathic cunts that deserve to fall into dog shit face first every day for the rest of their lives, they are not normal people!

I have seen many an abused spouse thread result in LTB but never seen MN advise get yourself a nice obliging OM, add another baby to the mix, ditch the dcs, gut the house, empty the accounts and then LTB!!

The usual thing to do when you want to think about having a relationship with another person is to realise you are not interested in playing by the agreed rules for the good of the team and end your vows promising monogamy (that you chose to take) first. People do end marriages this way, without the gut wrenching drama, and presumably some swingers get started this way too. It is a negotiated agreement.

That way everyone involved is in on the deal and nobody is blind sided by a twisted planned deception, years of living a lie etc.

But when a cheater is caught or thinks the grass is greener or just can't be bothered torturing/playing with the original partner any longer and leaves in as dramatic and selfish and manipulative a way as possible but still wants to be seen as the victim, then you end up with sociopathic contemptuous behaviour. There is no excuse for that and as ipost says, the truth will out.

I think men who do this tend to have been abusive manipulative game players through out they just got bored of the first marriage game or have found an easier target. Why do the hard work stringing a sucker along who expects the same level of input that made them say yes in the first place when you can have a damaged ow whose self esteem is so low they will accept playing second fiddle, have no qualms about bullying other people and believe whatever lies you like - win win!

I am delighted with the visual idea of "sociopathic abusive psychopathic cunts that deserve to fall into dog shit face first every day for the rest of their lives", in my head it has become a fawlty towers type sketch

OH yes, me too Occams! Thanks for that thought, Stop!

My ex played the whole you where emotionally abusive etc etc I've not been happy for months.
1.why not tell me you where unhappy? And when I questionEd him if he seemed down or what ever he would say it he loves me never loved me so much never been happier!
2.the emotional abuse he said was when I would come home from work our son would be in the same nappy house would be a riot nothing cleaned or anything like that!

1. Saying things like I only got you pregnant to make you think I loved you!

Now if I was as much of a nutter as he makes me out to be why has he left me with our 2 year old? Why am I about to give birth tomorrow and he won't be there to make sure baby is okay? When my ex left I tried to be a friend as much as I could for my children but instead he jumped into the relationship with ow! I wouldn't say me and my ex where on cloud 9 all the time we would bicker yes! But I don't see how because I moaned about the dishes not being done I deserve to be treated the way I am and the way my son is??

That's because you didn't and don't deserve it, Hurt. Don't let people tell you otherwise!!

He is a lying cheating cock badger of the lowest order and deserves to fall into dog shit face first every day.

Are you excited about tomorrow? Will we get a real time baby welcoming thread?

iPost - I wish I could write as beautifully as you so as to express just how powerful your posts are. I think it's a privilege to be a part of MN when posters such as yourself share such intimate details of their lives.

As regards your thoughts about trusting yourself to tell the truth. I read many years ago that the worst person you can ever lie to is yourself. It's heartbreaking to think that life can sometimes make us do this to ourselves, as the alternative is even worse.

Yep I will make a wee thread for it :) I have to go in at 6:45 am! Just packed my bag there try and get ready

the people that this thread refer to are sociopathic abusive psychopathic cunts that deserve to fall into dog shit face first every day for the rest of their lives, they are not normal people!

Well I can't argue with that.

hurt the very best of luck tomorrow. This time tomorrow night you're going to be cuddling your beautiful daughter.

hurt, we've all been feeling shit for you (most of the people on this thread having been through the same thing in some form).

But tonight I'm just excited for you. I love the feeling just before going in for a section. Nervous about how things are going to change, excited about meeting her, looking forward to a new dynamic.

I bloody well hope you are choosing the name YOU love and bollocks to what H may have said he liked back when he hadn't yet been exposed as a right odious cunt.

iPost, I think your posts on your family have been among the most heartfelt and moving I have ever read on MN. What a stellar person you are: wise, true and with an incapacity for any form of BS.

So many men behave like this. to all of you. My friend's ex is just the same. I agree he can't bear to be the bad guy and therefore he has done the following;

• told others that he didn't think the 2nd baby was his ( that's because he'd told OW that he and wife didn't have sex)
• told others that friend wouldn't let him see the kids
• told people that she tricked/ insisted on getting married and trapped him
• insisted on forcing the sale of the family home.

I do hope karma gets them all in the end.

There are no excuses for the behaviour described on this tread. I've been treated like I was in the wrong. I didn't do anything wrong in loved him(the person I thought he was). They have to pretend we are nasty lying controlling spitful bitter bitches because if we were completely innocent then how would they sleep at night or look themselves in the face everyday after devestating and destroying our lives?

And as for karma, I hope it's real and I'm so sure ow will get what's coming to her but if karma is a thing what in this world or another did I do to dererve ever meeting the lying cheating coward scum I was engaged to?