Why do some men who leave for OW treat their exes with such contempt?

[ChooChooLaverne]

Just wondering about this as it's happened to a couple of my friends recently and I really can't understand what goes through their minds. Wonder if anyone can enlighten me.
*Disclaimer: obviously I'm only talking about some men here.

So the scenario goes something like this:
Couple have been together/married for a long time and have children. Woman is plodding along in the relationship unaware that anything is wrong. Man suddenly starts acting horribly, picking fault with the woman and comes out with the "I'm unhappy/not sure what I want" speech. Woman bends over backwards trying to sort things out only at some point later down the line to discover there is another woman.
Relationship ends and man becomes completely unreasonable about sorting out finances and childcare. Tries to get the woman out of the marital home, seemingly aggrieved that he is having to pay money to her (even though it's for the children), makes unreasonable demands about wanting/not wanting to have the children, and he talks to her in a way that is disrespectful and downright callous and lacking in empathy.

What prompts someone to behave like this? I get that he might paint her in a bad light to excuse himself for cheating on her - but I don't understand how he doesn't feel some sympathy for how she might feel and I really can't understand the level of contempt.

Can anyone explain this to me?

Cognitive Dissonance

"An individual who experiences inconsistency (dissonance) tends to become psychologically uncomfortable, and is motivated to try to reduce this dissonance—as well as actively avoid situations and information likely to increase it."

Agreed, iloveberries - there are numerous factors. Cognitive dissonance is more likely when the contempt is unfounded and/or inexplicable, and that disbelief is shared by people who can vouch that the person being left is being painted in a completely different light.

Do they believe their own rewriting of history? No, not really, not all the time. There are times when on a dark quiet night they catch a little glimpse of their own souls. And that makes them scared and that in turn makes them emotionally dangerous.

And that's where they find the 'fuel' to hurt their own children.

This madness gets enabled by others with a vested interest. The OW/OM enables it to prevent losing their 'prize'. Often the cheater's parents enable it to avoid the realisation that they raised a really shitty person. Friends enable it for a quiet life.

The madness becomes collective - and addictive for the cheater. He or she may even try to enlist the children.

And that's when children get really fucked up.

Thanks ilove and others - I have tried to explain to XH how the DCs feel, for example he refused to have them last summer in the holidays because he was going on holiday with the OW. Then he sent my DCs photos of him and OWs family having a great time on holiday, in the same country that I'd taken the DCs to. So not only did he refuse to have them, but then went on holiday to the same country I took the DCs to (at the same time as I booked a holiday with the DCs), but he just chose to holiday in different resort so that he didn't have to spend time with them. But then sent them photos of him and her DCs having a great time in his AI hotel with lots of water slides etc. (I can't afford AI so we only have a couple of trips to water parks).

When I pulled him up on this recently, the excuses were, OW had lots of ill-health, her own XH had died, and how dare I begrudge her a holiday. Everything is twisted and manipulated to make me appear a bitch and I now operate under the philosophy of you can't argue with stupid - so I try not to.

I think his relationship with DC1 (13) is probably over, DC2 (11) tries hard to maintain a relationship with his dad, but every so often he'll get sad and say I think dad loves OW's DCs more than us, he never takes us to the cinema, holiday, camping... like he does with them. It's all very sad.

If she was financially dependant, she was a user. If she worked, she didn't pay him enough attention or the house was chaotic. She got older. He wants to prove to his new interest(s) that he scorns her. Probably just best to ignore.

I've had this but from the child's pov. My dad cheated on my mum when I was a young child and then left with the ow.

As I've become older I've become aware that he holds my mum in total contempt. He's tried to vocalise this to me in many inappropriate ways, including that my mum was 'cold' and 'not maternal'. I'm by no means of the opinion that my mum is perfect, but both those things are untrue and, frankly, disgusting things to say.

My dad is aware in some respects that he's an utter cunt but not bothered enough to stop being a utter cunt. Him and my stepmum (ow) have painted their affair as a love story and although they clearly do love each other given that they've been together now for decades, it's because they're both a pair of cunts and deserve each other.

I will say though that I am 100% sure that my dad has an unquiet soul. He knows what he did and he knows that no amount of backtracking will ever make it ok. He's got enough decency in him that what he did will be on his conscience forever.

I agree iloveberries. My point was in relation to men who shag around then present the OW as the love of their lives. I agree that there are people who act like adults at the end of their marriages, but they are, IME, the minority.

The woman i know genuinely believes she did nothing wrong. She's re-written the timeline so she didnt actually sleep with OM until after she got her husband to leave. The money she took and the joint bank accounts she emptied was because it was for the children. She needed the house and car for the children, he was fine on his mums sofa.

She's even painted herself into a good light, she did the right thing because they were both miserable in the marriage, and she was the strong one who ended it so they could both move on and be happy. Convieniently glossing over the fact her husband was near suicidal at having leave her and his children, with no house, no money, only the overnight bag he'd packed because he didnt know the locks would be changed when he got back from his trip. Her take is that she's been "left" to bring up two children - again forgetting she has 50:50 and moved OM in when she changed the locks.

Wow I can relate to this 100%!!
My now ex of 8 weeks left claiming he didn't love me etc etc but he was actually seeing ow behind my back.
He has went on to say that I was emotionally abusive and he was my door mat and everything like that! I worked to provide food clothes and everything else for the family he worked to pay the mortgage.
Since he has left he has threw in my face he pays the mortgage and I'm living this life of luxury!
He has also not seen our son for nearly 2 weeks because he can't stand to discuss contact with me it's like I'm the bad guy?
I am due to have his baby on Tuesday and he said he will miss the birth because he hates me that much? His family all think that he has done nothing wrong? His friends think he is the innocent one and that I am stopping him seeing our son? I honestly have no idea what to do!
It's like I'm the bad guy because I still ask him to give another go? He chooses to see ow on his days off not his son it's heartbreaking!

Do they believe their own rewriting of history?

I had thought so.

But very recently somebody said something to me. They hadn't known the man who did the airbrushing/history rewriting at the time that it happened. They knew him decades later, and a huge chunk of his past was an enormous surprise to them when it was revealed. I don't know what I expected them to say, but I do know I wasn't expecting a reflective "ah... I always did feel that he had a sadness about him"

So maybe they don't believe it. Maybe regret filters through the cracks as time goes on.

Then again,m maybe the person who said it was just making it up on the spur of the moment to try and soften a blow. Or the sadness was real, but was less regret and more a long standing "always feeling sorry for myself, becuase the airbrushed out/history rewritten people are the big meanies in the equation".

I'd like to believe at some point a human has the capacity to stop lying to themselves and face full on the entire ramifications of what they done to others. Becuase it seems such a gaseous, intangible sort of life to have, if living in a constant state of editing.

edit

I hadn't thought so.

OFFS , I was right the first time , I HAD thought so,

Sleep deprivation and posting = bad combo.

My GOD I am so glad my H killed himself after I booted him out following a grubby affair (which was also gross misconduct at our place of work). I feel certain he would be dong what these other exHs have done on money, rewriting history etc. The day he topped himself he was livid with me (because I hadn't been able to confirm 5 minutes after hearing he'd been fucking someone else that I would take him back, and because I had had the temerity to tell his family and our employer he was a cheating lying cunt).

I dread to think what twattery I'd be seeing and what misery he'd be causing now had he simply had a word with himself and not chucked himself in front of that tube.

to all you ExWs on here

I also think that as well as cuntery from alot of cheaters who leave, there is also a strong sense of 'I'M the victim here', which I guess is a logical conclusion of 'I'm no cunt so she must be the bitch.' She is SUCH a bitch that she made me feel soooooo sad and unloved and that's why I had to run to the arms of OW. Feel sorry for ME, everyone.

One of my good friends told me that her exH and several others's exes too had all said the wife was 'dead inside' and 'put me last.'

What angers me is that OW don't have any bullshit detecters. I am well versed in the old 'never trust a man who says his ex is a nutter' rule so why would you a trust a man (with children, ffs) who says that now about his own current wife? I know for a fact my ex (technically he isn't an ex as he is dead and died whilst we still married but I'm fucked if I am defining myself by him and calling myself a widow) called me mad to OW and more than one. And they seem to be sat there, saying 'ah diddums, nasty lady, let me give you a blow job?'

christ on a bike dilys..... I hope you don't have DC

I do. Three under 7.

Jesus dilys. no words. I am so sorry he did that to you. I could weep, some people

thank god your kids are small, and therefore less traumatised than say a teenager, but still

Guilt. They can't face the fact that they are the kind of man who would cheat, lie & betray. So in order not to face it they paint the ex black, because if she's a terrible person they had no choice but to cheat, did they? In fact, THEY become the victim of the terrible marriage to the evil shrew and that justifies it all.

My ex did this to me. I remember seeing the hatred in his eyes & being so shocked & bewildered.

oh dilys you must be in a world of pain. I am so so sorry.

I've sometimes pondered if it might have been better if my father had died in his accident some years previously, compared to the decades of pain caused when he went "history:rewrite and airbrushing in progress" on my mother and us. Mostly I wonder if a heroic death would have protected our vision of him, who we came from and persuaded the world to give us time and space to grieve without a constant demand that we just "get over it".Cos then maybe we could have got over it, rather than fall in line, stuff it down hard and let it fester and infect us for decades.

But ... not like that. What has happened to you and your children looks like no easier path at all. Not by a long long chalk.

Are you and your children getting adequate emotional support ? It is such a huge set of things to have to process.

Sorry but i don't see how people are saying "i'm so sorry he did that to you" and you're saying you're GLAD YOU'RE DCs dad killed himself.

I'm not saying having an affair isn't awful, and personally i think suicide is a selfish way out BUT cast a thought for the man who's MH was in such a bad place he felt he needed to take his own life? No? Or maybe i am being really really naive.

I fully accept I don't know this man at all but to say that just seems so awful.

And I really sympathise with what you must have gone through - i just can't process you saying you're glad you're kid's dad killed himself. You're GLAD they won't get to grow up with their dad.

berries obviously I won't go into it on here and hijack his thread, but let's just say I know a hell of a lot better than you about what he was like and why I believe it's better this way, including the fact that he was a poor father to them.

Really, you know nothing about it so probably better to keep your judgements to yourself.

And for the record, I don't believe that suicide is always a 'selfish' act. That is an outdated view that fails to understand mental illness. However, in this case, and I'd know, that isn't was what was going on.

Contempt is the word.

My ex did this.

Have to say, the funny part was I had never seen him treat anyone badly before in the 30 years that I knew him, but when he decided to leave me in a very, very, very shitty way his tactic was to try and make sure he came out of it smelling like roses.

I think in his mind, when he made that decision it was basically him or me.

Either he was going to tell the truth and be real in saying: he had a very happy marriage with a wife who adored and supported him and kids that loved him and that we had everything going for us and he had decided to leave it,

OR he was going to make it look like it wasn't his fault.

Like a little kid caught sneaking in the liquor cabinet.

We had a marriage that I would have ranked 10 out of 10 for happiness. No fights, got on great, laughter in the house, hot sex! You name it, and when he decided to go I think he just had absolutely no solid reason so he had to create one.

He told people behind my back lies about me and our life together.

He blamed me for all of it, painting himself as a saint for putting up with me.

He treated me with utter contempt. Utter fury and hatred the likes of which you would have thought I murdered someone.

It was like a switch tripped in his head and that was it.

He and I will always know the truth though!!! No matter what he says, I know the truth!

And clearly berries I'm not saying 'he's better off dead just because he had an affair.'

I believe we are better off without him for a whole host of very good reasons. Again, not something I'd go into on this thread.