Seriously thinking about NC with DH's side of the family

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

This is going to be long but think I need to post the background

I've posted previously about SIL's wedding. I have 3 DCs - age 3, 2 and 13 weeks. The oldest have just turned 3 and 2 respectively so still small.

SIL is getting married about 150 miles away on a week day. We have been told no DCs at the wedding. Mil has a difficult family background and her half-brothers children will be going however - albeit they are older than ours. I susir t ultimately that SIL will also permit her friends to bring small babies. I understand that it is SIL's wedding but I find it pretty hurtful that our children (who are actually her closest relatives) are to be excluded.

My parents are extremely supportive of us and will normally drop anything to help us out. Mil has form for being very difficult and has been very unhelpful at difficult times - eg looked after putt DS on the day of my grandmother's funeral (250 miles away) but refused to rearrange plans so I had to get out cleaner to come and look after DS (then 1 year old) as she had to leave at 5pm. The whole thing was horribly stressful and I still find it very upsetting to think about.

My parents normally drop everything to help us but normally go on holiday with friends around the date of SIL's wedding. They therefore told me immediately that they may be able to look after our DCs but that - in this instance - they actually won't cancel their holiday if the group of friends can only manage that date (they are all retired so tend to go quite last minute to get the best deal) and we should therefore get a plan B. I immediately highlighted this to DH and his response was - (massively fucking entitled) oh it's my sister's wedding. Surely they won't go away. I said they very well could and he should highlight this to his family now as we may not have any childcare and ultimately I wouldn't be able to go. Plus, I could very well still be feeding youngest DC. Really the only option would be to take someone to look after the DCs on site and I didn't even know if that would be feasible. But I was highlighting it now so that there were no amateur dramatics near the wedding if I couldn't go

Communication within DH's family is pretty piss poor so nothing was done.

At the weekend, SIL, MIL and FIL came ti visit and stay the night. SIL said something in passing about my parents looking after the DC and I said that actually they maybe away and there wasn't really a plan B. I said that I could perhaps ask my DS's key worker from nursery to travel to the wedding and look after the DCs but we would need to get him accommodation. And, in any event, I was uncomfortable about being away from my youngest DC even if I could get someone look after all DC at our house.

SIL told me that there were no rooms left at the hotel but if I got the key worker, he could perhaps stay at a local B&B. That she was having to lay £150 a head per guest and she wanted me to be able to relax and enjoy myself and also keep costs down - hence why our DCs weren't invited. I said that the best solution maybe to ask the key worker. And, if I did, would SIL like the DCs to be brought to the church (waiting outside during the ceremony) for a few photos as they would be in the area. Totally up to her obviously but thought she might like it. She said yes, but she was banning children from the church. I said I quite understood as FIL's brother's children had made a terrible racket during ours in the church (MIL insisted they were invited) and you could even hear the noise on the wedding video. MIL said she couldn't remember that but I said (nicely) that it was on the video. I also said that if my parents were looking after the DCs, they had also offered to bring them to the church (to wait outside) and take them home (a big thing as a huge drive) after if she wanted photos.

So - it was all perfectly pleasant and I thought the childcare issue was clear. More importantly, there was actually communication like normal people. DH then went to work in the morning and the DCs and I went out with SIL and the PILs for brunch - all perfectly pleasant. Nothing else said. I was slightly nervous about going out as the PILs had been invited to visit DC3 a few days after she was born and had been very late (with no communication). I was upstairs feeding the baby and DH had said something to MIL about it. She had started shouting and bawling at DH saying it was my fault and I was manipulating them and being very rude about me. I decided the best thing to do was pretend I hadn't heard and gloss over things. But, again, everything perfectly pleasant at brunch

DH then arrives home and asks me what I had been saying to his sister? I explained the position about childcare and said that I had highlighted this to him already but his approach seemed to have been that my parents would have to just cancel their holiday. That wasn't very constructive so I had highlighted things to SIL so she could make ab informed choice about allowing the DCs to attend in the vicinity and be looked after off site (pretty pissing annoying that DH could have mentioned it earlier so we could have got a room for them and carers at the hotel but now we couldn't) as ultimately if we couldn't get appropriate childcare, I wouldn't be able to go and with a wedding of 60 people, that would be noticeable.

DH then says that obviously I had a chip on my shoulder about FIL's neice making a racket during our wedding and that my parents were manipulating things by refusing to cancel their holiday (the irony after my grandmother's funeral and various other times that they have dropped everything and driven 300 miles to help us out after the PILs have let us down!). I susir t he had spoken to MIL on the way home.

I am absolutely fed up with this. I am fed up of rather than everyone talking civilly about things (as I tried to do) and resolve problems in good time, MIL then approaches DH behind my back. If she or SIL had a problem, why not discuss it with me at the time or the next day? I am fed up (and I think this is the crux of it) if DH not simply explaining that all I am trying to do is sort out childcare for the DCs (as basically he seems to have opted out of it and my parents - his indentured servants obviously - are to drop everything AGAIN to help out). Why is DH not able to actually support me (his wife) and make it clear - politely - to his family that if you have your wedding hundreds of miles away and don't invite your very young nieces and nephews, then yes, childcare will be an issue and that is not bring "difficult". It's a matter of fact. And, actually, if your "keeping costs down" banning your brothers children whilst letting others attend is actually pretty fucking hurtful

I actually don't know what to do. I've said tinDH that I think that actually everyone should just be honest and communicate clearly with each other now. So if he thinks my patents are "selfish"
and "manipulative" (the breath taking cheek!) he should say to their faces. Further, I will contact SIL and MIL and ask them if they need me to clarify anything about what we discussed. Further, another option is for me to not attend and look after the DCs which I think maybe the best option all round

I'm actually so so sick of this. I don't want to see the PILs again and I don't particularly want to see SIL again.

Should I contact them? Should I just decline the wedding invitation? I want to make it clear why

I also need to sort out the DH issue too

The thought that your husband (no, I'm not putting a 'D' in there) can dictate whether or not the DC can see your parents is thoroughly worrying. Tbh he can "insist" all he likes - but if he does I'm afraid that I can see no way forward

Would you go out trib? What if DH wants them to stay the night? I'd hevectibgontona hotel.

I also wonder what would I say to the DC when they are older? I'm surextheyveoukd ask why I always went out. I'm really worried about doing things that will affect my DC going forward. Sorry for so many questions but I want to get this right

oh - he couldn't dictate is per se but could obviously be difficult when they were here

I suppose I could take the DC to see my parents though. So sad

Why do they need to stay the night? I think if you stop doing all the work connected with the visits (making beds, doing the cooking, sorting out fresh towels) the overnights will stop anyway.

Trib's got it spot on. If he wants them to stay then he does the fucking work.

If you are considering going NC (quite extreme) then surely you can just decline the wedding invite (not as extreme)? You have told them, in much more detail than you need to IMO, how difficult it's going to be re. childcare so just don't go. I know it's the 'big day' and all but really, they don't seem that keen on you, so will you really be missed? I don't mean that harshly but you get the point.

Your DH is the problem here. You should be a team and he should be the one 'dealing' with his own family. Not you tiptoeing around trying to please everyone. You have done nothing wrong and whilst I understand 'child free' weddings I think the bride/groom need to understand that that means some people will not be able or willing to attend. That's life.

His family sound very like mine by the way and I have been NC with them for several years so I do understand how difficult this can be.

Hnmmmm. I spoke to my mum. I think we're if the same view that a lot of this occurs because of people speaking behind each other's backs and third hand information being passed on.

I'm going to think about what to do, but I think I will text MIL/SIL and DH in the next few days (so it's all in writing) and say that there seems to be some kind of misunderstanding. There is no attempt to "manipulate" the situation - I was simply trying to sort out childcare and highlighting the issues around that.

My parents have says that, in this one instance, they will forgo the holiday if needs be. However, my dad intends to call DH to tell him this but make it very clear that there could be situations in future where they have other plans and that is in no way "unhelpful" (viz his own bloody parents) and DH will need to accept this - particularly given all the help they do give us.

I will then text MIL and SIL and DH and say that my parents will forgo the holiday in this one instance. If there are any further issues, please come to me directly.

We want to flush this out now.

Your DH is being a dick. Just decline the invite. Tell him you will no longer be enabling the overnight visits. They come over, he sorts out cooking and cleaning.

But why? This all sounds so much more complicated than it needs to be.
Tell dsiil that you may have no childcare and either you can RSVP for numbers now with just Dh attending or let her know at a later date.
I think all the calling your Dh etc will make your parents look like martyrs. As for them driving 300 miles(?) To stick your kids in a photo? No wonder dhs family take the piss.

Why on earth are your parents thinking of cancelling their holiday to accommodate your in-laws' tantrums?

It would be better if your dad rang your husband and told him to stop being such a fucking arse and start putting his wife and children first blaming you for problems caused by his family.

If children are not invited and you have no childcare, then you and the children can't go. It isn't rocket science - the children are not props to be put away in a cupboard. You need to stop twisting yourself into circles trying to accommodate them all and just do nothing. Your husband can sort it out, without involving your parents.

I think I want to speak to MIL/SIL and my dad wants to speak to DH because we're all fucking sick to death of their behaviour.

We're tired of glossing over things and having people say horrible things behind our backs. If they have a problem - say it to our faces

If MIL says she never said anything of the sort, that's great. No problem.

The children won't be going for any photos and if I'm asked where they are, I'll say they weren't invited.

And I won't be doing anymore cooking/cleaning etc.

If your parents cancel their holiday for these jokers, your in laws will know they can bully you into anything in the future. Time to hold the line before this gets worse.

Because your family is peaceful your instinct is to appease. It won't work, it will be treated as weakness.

It all seems like a bit of a fuss about nothing to me (on both sides). It is absolutely fine if your SIL doesn't want children at the wedding, as the OP appreciates. With that in mind, surely the answer is that you either sort out easy childcare (not possible if your parents are away and of course they should not cancel their holiday) or apologise for not being able to attend. The third option - which I think is not possible for some reason and in any case may be too expensive - is that you offer to go and stay with DCs nearby the wedding, pop over for photos and maybe a quick drink etc, and then stay away from the rest of the wedding because of babysitting.

I think that what had gone wrong is talking over a long period to DH's family about the arrangements. I don't really understand why you don't just make a decision, set out your position and stick to it. While I completely understand that you don't mean to come across as passive aggressive, I am afraid that I can see how it may be misinterpreted that way from their perspective if you keep talking to them about how difficult it is and how their FIL's children were noisy at your wedding. I just think that you all need to cut down on the stress and make a decision that you stick to.

Ultimately, they have told you that they don't want children at the wedding. Whatever arrangements you make because of that are up to you, and I just think you shouldn't let your MIL or SIL get involved in those or even have an opportunity to comment on them.

This is the first time I/we have mentioned childcare.

I mentioned it purely from the perspective that if cannot attend, I do not want this to be some stunning surprise to SIL/MIL, 6 weeks before the event. Then the narrative would be: " Gobbo didn't WANT to attend. If she had told us, we would have let the DC come etc etc etc".

No, your parents shouldn't cancel their holiday! Your dad should phone your husband and say, "I can't believe you expect us to cancel a holiday for this. If you haven't got other babysitters then Gobbolino should stay at home with the children and you should go on your own. If your sister wants her there, then she'll have to accept her nephew/niece will be there, too."

The nerve of your husband to call your parents selfish!

Ah, so you are in a 'can't win' narrative.

In a similar situation, I declined the invitation, said why and sent a present. They haven't spoken to us since, or thanked us for the present, but that's fine!

point is - I have no childcare but seem to be expected to lock my DCs in s cupboard and attend or force my "selfish" parents to cancel their holiday

The point is your DH has no childcare for his children either. Tell him to sort it out! Tell him HE can call your parents and ask them to cancel their holiday, he doesn't need to know they are prepared to. As said up-thread, make him do any of the work/contact/arranging when it comes to HIS family.

I feel that we will never do the right thing so we may as well get the chance to say our piece.

My parents are furious. I wondered if I shouldn't say what DH had said but I think he should have the courage of his convictions and he prepared to discuss his views with my mum/dad

I'm thoroughly fed up of MIL and SIL. Of pretending that everything is fine and glossing over things. If I hear they have a problem from now on, let's discuss it. If there's not problem, that's great.

I think that DH takes the path of least resistance. It's easier to come home and shout the odds at me than tell his mum to piss off

Don't even think of getting your poor parents to drive hundreds of miles to get the children photographed, when the children haven't been invited! That's pandering to your SIL on a massive, crazy scale.

And yes, your DH doesn't have childcare either! Tell him to sort it out.

Out of principle I would not let your parents cancel their holiday. That just proves DH's family right - that they have a duty to help. They don't, and it sets a worrying precedent.

When's the wedding? I would be giving absolutely zero headspace to it at the moment. Your parents might be free, if there not don't go. I certainly wouldn't be downloading books and suggesting going to the church for photos.
Mountain molehill.

No don't let your parents cancel. I can see why they feel they should e.g they can make this problem go away for you.
But no, bollocks! The shits hit the fan already and why the hell shouldn't they go on holiday.

I'm low contact with mine, it works ok. I don't contact them to arrange things, I leave it to DH (so it doesn't really happen). I leave EVERYTHING to him to arrange, from presents to venues to times.
I just get myself and the kids dressed suitably in time. I take plenty to entertain the kids as they are practically strangers.
I sit and smile and make small talk whilst slowly dying inside. But I know that's it for a few months.
I ask nothing of them so they can't let us down. But the contact is enough to keep DH happyish (he's sad it's only him making the effort) and the kids vaguely know their family.

Joysmum, you're right- DH has no childcare either. However, he needs to sort it without involving the OP's parents, because they are unlikely to be available-either he needs to find another workable solution, or he needs to get his mother to butt out.

OP,it isn't acceptable for your husband to get angry at you because his entire family regard your children as a massive inconvenience, and your parents are unwilling to act as his unpaid servants this time. As previous posters have said, appeasing your in-laws will never work, so do what's convenient for you. Even if your parents cancelled their holiday to babysit , and you, your parents and the children camped in a field to be able to attend the wedding, your in-laws would get angry at you and your husband would side with them.Even if you arranged for angels to bathe the bride and groom in heavenly sunbeams and conjured up a troupe of sparkling unicorns to convey the bridal party to the church and sprinkle them with all the money they could ever hope for, they would still shout at you for not trying hard enough to make SIL's day special. So don't bother. Leave it up to your husband to sort, let your parents get on with their holidays, and keep out of it.

Firstly, your parents must not cancel their holiday for this. Seriously, they have an annual and long-standing holiday arrangement with friends that they obviously look forward to. Not only is it making them miss out, it is also making all of their friends miss out on their company and completely changes the dynamic of that holiday for everyone concerned. You must be the one to tell them to go with zero guilt because you are the one they are trying to protect.

Secondly, it is pretty obvious that the in laws really aren't bothered about your children in the context of this wedding. In fact, they will probably think it is very weird of you to suggest bringing said children to have photos at the church. Why would you do that??? They don't want the children at the wedding and therefore they do not want the children in their wedding photos. It is a child free wedding. Much as that is the complete opposite of my idea of a great wedding it doesn't matter, that is what they have been clear is happening.

Thirdly, if you are happy for the key worker to come up and the associated costs then just do that. It also gives you the flexibility of popping out to feed/comfort the baby if you need to. Don't talk about it any more, don't argue about it any more, just get on with it. Why? Because if you WANT to go to the wedding (which includes NOT wanting to cause WW3 around the wedding) then this is the simplest solution. When people ask where the kids are,just say that it was a child free wedding and so they weren't invited but are staying close by with childcare. Don't add an eye roll, don't criticise, state facts. Facts will speak for themselves, especially if it turns out that other kids are there.

Fourthly, all of the above advice is not to upset you but is coming from bitter experience of having scheming, behind-your-back gossiping, drama llama in laws. You will not win. They will never understand reason. You cannot change them. You also cannot force your DH to see that they are wrong whilst he is still in the FOG. They will be humiliated by being called by your parents and that drama will carry on beyond your wildest imagination. It will not make them see sense or apologise.

What you can do is pick your battles. A wedding is an emotive time. Any drama around a wedding will be thrown back in your face forever. Do you need that? Do you want that? Can you handle that?

Get on with this particular situation and then sit back in quieter moments and decide if you can handle living like this. You and your DH need to sort things out between you and that means him supporting you. Forget them, it is about you and him. If he genuinely can't or won't support you and come to a compromise at least, then you have a tough decision to make.

Either way, don't give them the pleasure of making this wedding all about you. It is the wrong kind of attention, believe me.