Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

357 replies

iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 14:10

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

OP posts:
SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 21/02/2016 14:18

Well done OP, just keep listening to AF and all the other sound advice on here, you sound like you're actually coping very well indeed. Flowers for you, Biscuit for him, the only thing he I addicted to is being a selfish idiotic little man who will end up lonely and rightly so.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 21/02/2016 14:20

He can't have them at his house yet as it's chaos since I left. He hasn't sorted it out yet as he's feeling down, but more likely he's never had any get up and go to get anything done (so it'll probably be like that forever now).

I'm getting to understand the manipulation that I am and have been under. And also that I'm not responsible for his happiness - or more to the point, unhappiness.

Thank you x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/02/2016 14:36

Well, the chaos at his place is his own problem. He has 2 choices

  1. sort his shit out
  2. be a zoo/cafe/ McDonald's dad indefinitely

Life sucks for the useless, don't it.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 21/02/2016 19:18

Too right

I'd have hoped he'd have got things sorted for the children to go over, but no. It's not fair on them

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/02/2016 19:24

He's waiting for you to do it.

Blu · 21/02/2016 20:24

OP, you are actually sounding very level headed and strong about all this.

I don't actually know anything about this, but if it is an issue I think (from reading MN) that you may be eligible for legal aid for divorce if there has been violence.

The car incident was certainly violence, and I wonder if for this reason it might be a good reason to report it?

Also, you are being a star in being so assertive atm, and I have a feeling that this man is not going to simply acquiesce and relinquish control over you, so legal support and the awareness of the police may be no bad thing to have as a back up.

And as for the help he sought following the car incident, highly manipulative people are very good at knowing how to 'behave 'in counselling, what to say, and also how to appear to you to be ding the right ting, seeking help etc.

Don't take it as proof til you taste the pudding and find it to be good!

BitOutOfPractice · 21/02/2016 20:38

Where is his incentive to sort it op? When he has it all handed to him. Now he'll have to make an effort to actually parent the DC or be shown up for the useless twatbadger he is

gleekster · 21/02/2016 20:49

I am not sure I understand OP. Is he in the home you previously shared together? If so, I assume it was fit for children to inhabit? What has happened between when you left and now?

Exactly what is it that means the DC cannot go there?

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 21/02/2016 21:31

Blu - thank you for your kind words and the warning. He can indeed be very charming! I will certainly look into legal aid. Even a diy divorce seems to cost £hundreds, which I just don't have.

BitOutOfPractice - I so love the word twatbadger. When things feel tough I'll remember that and smile SmileSuits him.

gleekster - the place was kinda turned upside down when we moved out and hasn't been turned the right side up again. I'd bought the sofa, tv, beds etc so it all came with me (turns out he was busy spending his money on extramarital stuff)

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 21/02/2016 22:56

"Even a diy divorce seems to cost £hundreds, which I just don't have."

You are entitled to at least half the marital assets. You are entitled to child maintenance, since the children live mostly with you. You may also be entitled to benefits and/or tax credits.

Find a solicitor that will allow a payment plan you can manage. You need a solicitor to get what you and the children are entitled to, and to protect your children. The solicitor will be worth every single penny.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 21/02/2016 23:08

Thanks Emma. Hadn't thought of asking a solicitor for a payment plan - good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 21/02/2016 23:29

I feel like my head's being scrambled. I'm getting texts from my stbxh basically saying he's missing me and asking if I'm saying there's absolutely no future for us (which I have indeed said on several occasions). I've told him he should be concentrating on getting help and not looking for a relationship - with me or anyone else.

I can recognise what you've all been saying - he's manipulating me into feeling like the bad guy again.

I just wish he'd let go

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 21/02/2016 23:31

Ask him to stop contacting you. Tell him you need a break, need some space, whatever. I suggest you insist that all necessary communication (ie practical arrangements for the children and the divorce) be done by email. Don't let him text or call you, block him if necessary.

He won't respect your boundaries so you have to enforce them.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 21/02/2016 23:50

Tell him he can go and concentrate on the new baby he's expecting with the woman he 'misses so much' and 'can't imagine life without'!

I mean does he really think you'd want him back after declaring all that?!

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 21/02/2016 23:50

Thanks Emma. I've arranged to meet him face to face to discuss things, after which I hope he'll respect my wishes and stop contacting me. Yeah, on track record I'm not holding my breath either...

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 21/02/2016 23:53

MagicalMrs - I've just been told she's history! Not that that makes any difference to me.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 21/02/2016 23:53

I think that meeting will be pointless at best and upsetting at worst. He will use it to manipulate and/or threaten you. You are going to need everything in writing anyway.

But by all means, go. Will you be using the car he smashed up to get there

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 21/02/2016 23:58

Emma, I see what you mean but I'm thinking that I'm actually stronger in person than I am over the phone. I need him to see that I mean what I say. The chances are he'll pigheadedly carry on pushing the point days or weeks along the line, but at least I'll feel right within myself for having stood up for myself with my head held high.

I'll be meeting him in public, in a crowded place. And my children will be nowhere near.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/02/2016 00:00

As long as you're doing it for yourself, to feel that you've said what you want to say. Not in the (vain) hope that it will change his mind or his behaviour.

I'm sorry to say it, but you can't make someone respect you, especially not when they have been treating you with zero respect for so long.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 22/02/2016 00:02

It is for me. It's what I need to do.

Thank you for looking out for me Smile and for talking sense

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/02/2016 00:04

You're welcome - and thanks for taking it well, I'm feeling very blunt tonight! Better go to bed!!

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 22/02/2016 00:08

Blunt's good Smile It's not as if you're being nasty with it! Sleep well x

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/02/2016 00:11

Thanks, you too Smile

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 22/02/2016 03:05

Ah she's history now, how very nice of him to announce that - I'm sure you find it very reassuring! Confused

Does he not understand he can't just unsay all that love-sick stuff he said about her? Nor change the fact he's been having an affair?

Or the fact she's pregnant! That right there is just one of many single reasons why you should be beyond furious and not ever allow him to worm his way back into your affections.

I feel very sorry for the poor baby.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2016 07:42

What a bastard. She is "history" eh. That is one cold, calculating and self serving individual that can view another as so disposable.

You are well rid.

Swipe left for the next trending thread