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Original poster

Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

357 replies

iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 14:10

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 20/02/2016 22:20

Aw, bless him for being worried about it. He's a little sweetie really, isn't it?Confused

Come on love - don't put up with this shit.

And sex addict? My arse. Selfish prick.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 22:40

Point taken Smile

He wants to come over for dinner tomorrow night (him bringing it) but it doesn't feel right. Don't know how to say no without making things sour, iykwim

OP posts:
CityMole · 20/02/2016 22:49

just say No. You don't need to justify keeping him away from you. It is high time you started putting yourself first and you need to get away from him and the spell he has over you before you can do that.

CityMole · 20/02/2016 22:50

You are doing really well btw. Keep going Smile

NameChange30 · 20/02/2016 22:50

STOP LETTING HIM INTO YOUR HOUSE. If he comes over expecting you to let him in, keep the chain on the door and ask him to leave. If he gets violent, call 999. I'm serious. The car incident shows that this is a very dangerous man. (You could and should have reported it to the police.)

Look, your instinct is telling you inviting him over for dinner is a bad idea. LISTEN!

I strongly recommend getting some counselling for yourself. Maybe look up the Freedom Programme. You could also read Lundy Bancroft's book(s).

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 22:56

I tried to phone the police at the time of the car incident but I was in such a panic that I fluffed it up. My 7yo was in the back of the car at the time and he begged me not to phone the police - that's the only reason I didn't. Then the moment past - husband's temper went as quickly as it had arrived.

OP posts:
Jibberjabberjooo · 20/02/2016 23:00

Text him if you don't want to speak to him and say you don't think coming over for dinner is appropriate. From now on you don't want him in the house and any communication is to be about the children only.

OP, he has behaved atrociously, stop protecting him and trying to be nice! You have no reason to support him after what he did to you. Stop caring about what he thinks, sorry to be blunt but do you think he cared when he was shagging all those other women?

Stop putting up with this shit.

NameChange30 · 20/02/2016 23:04

"I tried to phone the police at the time of the car incident but I was in such a panic that I fluffed it up."

You can still call them after the event on the non-urgent number (101 I think?) to report it. Presumably the car was visibly damaged - that's evidence.

It sounds as if your son is terrified by the idea of you standing up to his father. That speaks volumes Sad

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 23:05

Apparently it never occurred to him how it would make me feel. Grrr

I want to divorce him sooner rather than later as I don't see any point in delaying things. I just want everything finalised. But it costs so much. How come I can have been so proactive when it came to moving out, changing my name, looking into divorce etc and yet I can't tell him to back off...?

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 23:07

AnotherEmma - my son knows that what my husband did was wrong but he thinks it's something his daddy won't do again so telling the police would only make matters worse

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 23:20

He smashed up your car with your 7yo sat inside it ?

Words fail me.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 23:21

And it wouldn't be you that turned things "sour". That would be him.

You are frightened of him aren't you ?

AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 23:23

The lesson your son learned there was a very damaging one. Daddy can do bad things but mummy will cover up for him and make excuses. Imagine if your son grew up to be just like his father ? He is learning that at your knee too.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 23:23

I found a few words after all.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 23:26

AnyFucker - it's dreadful. I couldn't believe what was happening. I really didn't think he'd do anything like that in front of the children, but it was like he'd been possessed. He sought counselling that day, went to see GP too - who just told him to pull himself together!

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 23:29

I've had that worry quietly going around and around in my head about my son too... What do I do now? How can I prevent it? What a mess

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 23:31

And all because you pulled him up on something to do with the children ?

He is a terrible example of a father. Keep him the fuck out of your house.

russetbella1000 · 20/02/2016 23:36

It's about power...

He sounds like a narcissistic abuser.

Your children and you deserve better.
Flowers

AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 23:37

What to do ?

You can't control his actions but you can control your response to them. Stop appeasing a manipulative and self centred man. Show your children that no one should tolerate being terrorised and emotionally blackmailed into giving someone their own way. Make your home a sanctuary that has no trace of him in it.

NewLife4Me · 20/02/2016 23:40

I'm sorry but your son can't believe it's something his Daddy won't do again.

OP, you have been through so much, I am so terribly sorry for you and can't imagine the emotions you must be going through. Thanks

It's time to put your children before this horrible abusive cheating man.
They are worth far more than this and so are you. Thanks

You are a good mum, but look how he has skewed your reasoning. There is no way you shouldn't have called the police.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 23:53

If you met him you'd probably never believe he could treat me the way he has. I can barely believe it myself.

I must admit, I thought I was doing the best thing for the children by not reporting the incident and by being on "friendly" terms since - as I didn't want them to be scared of him or shun him (I was worried about them not him). It's only the last few days that I've worried that it was showing them the wrong things. I think it was when I was coming out of the initial shock.

I always put my children first (one thing my husband and I didn't always see eye to eye on) but I think on this occasion I've got it wrong

OP posts:
springydaffs · 20/02/2016 23:59

My 7yo was in the back of the car at the time

Look at this op. Your 7yo was subjected to that by his own father. It was a very very serious thing to do - it makes no difference he is now 'sorry' and immediately went to the gp etc. People who eg murder may be sorry but they still have to go to prison - somehow he got the get out of jail card. Who provided that? You did. It is your job to protect your children, not to protect him.

To that end I think you need to look closely at codependency. If your husband is an addict you are enabling him. He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself yet you shield him from the consequences of his actions.

It takes a lot for me to gasp out loud at what I read on MN. l feel very upset your boy was subjected to that. Yet you are only thinking of your husband, that he is upset and sad. Yes, that sad sack of a husband and father.

Tough words. Codependency is learned in our family of origin. Look at CoDA, get along to some meetings near you.

I am not blaming you for his behaviour. Your husband, for whatever reason, has been vile and continues to be vile. But somehow you're not seeing that, you feel sorry for him.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 21/02/2016 00:07

I feel sad for my husband because he's nowhere near the man I thought he was and I don't know how to cope with it - and also he's now lost everything. Unfortunately for me I'm one of those people who like to "mend" things. It doesn't mean I feel I should be the one to mend him, but it does mean I'm having trouble leaving him to live in the shit he's caused himself.

I really don't think I'm only thinking of my husband - it's my son that I'm listening to, the one who begged me not to phone the police, the one so desperate that we stay friends. If it wasn't for the children's feelings I'd find it much easier to just close the door on him

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 21/02/2016 00:12

No 7yo child should ever be in the position of having to beg a parent not to call the police!!! Confused

And yet you feel sorry for this shitty piece of scum, who did that to your son?

You really need to talk to a professional, I think. Get this violent cheating bully at arm's length ASAP. If my STBXH had tried to smash my car windows in, I'd be talking to a solicitor about supervised contact, not feeling sorry for the prick.

Cabrinha · 21/02/2016 00:14

Sorry, I meant to say - hats off to you for ending it so decisively over the cheating Flowers

You really do not have to have this shit round at your table for dinner. Shock

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