Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

[iamnotwhat]

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

H has told me he's started drinking. I know it could be a way of getting my attention. I just told him to sort it out now before it gets out of hand, that he's got enough to sort out as it is and that he'd lose the children. He said it isn't bad, just more than when we were together (which was practically nothing).

I haven't got more drawn in than that, but is there anything I need to look out for? Not that I'll see him much, except for dropping off the children etc. But I need to be sure they're safe so any telltale signs would be useful

Go to an Alanon style meeting for wives of sex addicts. It sounds like you are not allowing home to hit rock bottom.

He hit rock bottom

Re counselling, any counsellor or therapist will be able to help you with issues arising from relationship problems. Relate just specialise in helping couples communicate with each other - but they are not recommended for people in abusive relationships.

Re the alcohol - my previous advice about not being responsible for him and not being his counsellor still stands! Your only responsibility is to protect your children and restrict contact with him if you feel they will be unsafe.

You've just saved me an unnecessary expense, thank you! I thought that they'd be able to help. I'll see my GP instead

You're welcome - hope your GP is helpful and the wait isn't too long!

The GP was helpful - she could completely see why I might need counselling, so at least I didn't have to go in to the whole sorry tale in order to persuade her. The initial assessment isn't until late April, but at least it's on the move.

Well done, iam.

Hope you and your DC are OK generally?

DCs are still acting strangely in their own little ways (DC2 is quiet and shy, completely unlike before) but DC1 has stopped worrying about H so much, which is such a relief. My parents have come up for Easter and that's doing them the world of good

I think we're all getting there. Thanks Breadandwine

I just wanted to say that you are doing really well.
Keep going!

Iam I've just read your thread in one go. Firstly I want to tell you you are a very strong person, and also a very caring one, and you don't like to see him hurting.

But (you knew it was coming) he is a very clever manipulator. When one thing doesn't work with you, he tries another. He keeps trying til he finds something that gets your sympathy.

My ex is the same. I've gone completely no contact with him because of it. If he needs to contact me about contact arrangements he has to email. If he puts emotional crap in the email I don't respond

It's the only way unfortunately

You can't be friends because he isn't your friend. You wouldn't want a friend like him. He has to go and find emotional support from someone else, that's not your job anymore

Next time he tells you of his emotional crisis just ignore. You'll be surprised how quickly he bounces back

Thanks Sun and Dolly. Your kind words mean a lot to me x

He's still trying to manipulate and control me. I don't think he realises he's doing it. Frankly, it's exhausting thing to second guess every action and reaction. I'm looking forward to the day that I know it's all behind me.

But... I've had my counselling assessment, I've applied for the decree nisi and the sun is shining Things are definitely on the up

Roll on decree nisi!!

Thanks CrikeyPeg. It can't come soon enough for me!

I've just skimmed the thread.
He will continue to try and manipulate and control you until he moves on to someone else or dies. Sorry. All his behaviour that you have described throughout this thread has been manipulation and control. You're doing extremely well to spot it but you are very vulnerable yo getting sucked in at every turn. Be on guard, always.

Thanks VinceNoir. It's so difficult. I keep trying to do what's best for the "innocent" people who are effected by all this - H's parents, our two DCs - and then realise that by doing that I've just been manipulated. I just can't leave them to be hurt, especially not my lovely DCs. He certainly knows how I tick!

I'm lucky that I have a few RL friends who help me realise what's going on at the time, if I've not already realised myself. It helps me feel more in control.

I keep hoping he'll meet someone new (it was all ok when he was still with the last OW), but I wouldn't really wish this on anyone.

Struggling a bit. H is still trying to manipulate and control. I'm wise to it, but it's so exhausting having to resist being dragged in.

I so wish he'd just stop. He doesn't listen to me or even his best mate when he tells him it needs to stop.

And to top it all off, he still seems to think there's no reason for us to not get back together again.

When you say he is still doing it....through which communication method? It sounds like you must still be speaking to him a lot or exchanging lots of messages or similar? Is there a way you can reduce that - just stop responding to messages etc?

Sounds like while you are wise to the 'specific manipulation' stuff, you're still getting drawn into the overall thing - which isn't yours anymore and you def need to stop thinking it is in any way.

Unfortunately I've still been in contact with him - for many many reasons outside of my control. I try to keep things as short as possible and about the children. He still manages to get little comments in - like when he dropped the children home the other day I said "bye, sleep well" whilst closing the door to indicate it was end of conversation and he said (looking forlorn) "I doubt I will". He could have just said goodbye.

I wanted to keep things simple and as stress-free as possible for the children but he's just not joining in (despite all his promises to the contrary - did I really think he ever could/would?). For my children that means us being able to be around each other / do things as a family occasionally.

So I've no option other than to be the ogre in the eyes of my DCs - I'm going to have to restrict his contact (with me and in the ways and means in which he sees the children).

I'm meeting him to talk tomorrow afternoon. It makes my head ache to think of it.

Thank you for your message Snakesandknives. I needed some wise words and a nudge in the right direction

Quick update: the decree absolute has been granted, which is a huge relief. ExH being a manipulative arse still. My counselling is starting next month (at long last!) and hopefully that'll help me find some coping mechanisms to deal with him.

Thank you so much to all of you who advised and supported me all those months ago. I really appreciate it

I haven't got much advice or many words really but I hope you get through this OP

You deserve so much better.

Thanks Allie

for you and your family.Good luck with the counselling.