Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

357 replies

iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 14:10

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 15:48

What are you, his mother ?

It pains me to see a woman put her own life on hold to look after the needs of a violent, sexually incontinent user like this prick

For God's sake get some self respect and keep him out of your space. At this rate, you'll be wiping his arse when he is 80 and he'll still be a deceitful piece of shit who uses violence to get his own way.

Sophie38 · 20/02/2016 15:55

Perhaps it is all a bit too overwhelming. I think if I had found out something so big, I'd be scared of opening the flood gates to my own pain and anger - I'd be afraid of how angry I might get.

I'd also want to avoid opening the door to the grief I'd experience once it sank in.

I wonder, OP, if maybe you are a bit in denial at the moment. That's alright but DO take measures to protect yourself. Make sure you are in a safe place, literally and figuratively, so that if you do get hit by a wave of anger or sadness, you can manage it in your own way.

Buzzardbird · 20/02/2016 16:10

There is something a little '1950's' about this post. Why are you being so reasonable?

He has been cheating on you throughout your marriage, your pregnancies, your bad times and your good times and you are not angry?

You need to find your anger OP and get yourself to the solicitors.

Jibberjabberjooo · 20/02/2016 16:18

Stop supporting him, stop letting him into your home and stop protecting him. Tell people. He is not your priority. Think only of you and your children.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 16:19

Thanks everyone. I think I'm clearer on what I want and what I need to do now.

I don't know how I'm going to get him out of my house/life whilst maintaining his relationship with the children but it's the right thing for me so I must find a way. We've both got used to me picking him up when he's down and it's a hard habit to break. Had I known through all those years he was down because he'd been dumped by someone I wouldn't have been quite so supportive!! In fact, I wouldn't have been there at all. And that's what I must do now...

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 20/02/2016 16:22

Absolutely find your anger. He is still calling the shots and you seem to be allowing it. Why? He has utterly betrayed you in every possible way yet you feel sorry for him and his self pity.

Please, please get angry and get a SHL. You deserve much better and a future without him in it. Not a man who comes around and sits at your table whilst sobbing about his One True Love. Angry

MatildaTheCat · 20/02/2016 16:24

Hang on, why do you need to help him to maintain his relationship with the DC? Sure, allow contact but not at your house. He collects and drops at the doorstep. You need boundaries.

Jibberjabberjooo · 20/02/2016 16:27

His relationship with the children is down to him. The only thing you need to do between you is work out when he sees them. Contact can be minimal. He shouldnt be in your new house at all. I think you need to get stronger and be firmer. Text him and tell him you no longer want him entering the house and will discuss when and where he will see the children. Don't forget he did this, he chose to do this. Don't let him turn any of this around onto you. And you have the right to tell whoever you want.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 16:27

I don't know how I'm going to get him out of my house/life whilst maintaining his relationship with the children

it is his own responsibility to maintain his relationship with his children

you can stop carrying him now, op

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 16:30

Yes, I think I am being a little 1950s-ish. And for someone who'd always been strong and independent that's a scary thing to admit!

ive been on antidepressants for postnatal depression and I do wonder whether that's taking the edge off the pain and anger somewhat. That's another reason I'm on here asking for advice - not being so close to the problem you'll have more balanced views.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 16:32

OP, I can hear the Tammy Wynette refrain right now....

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times, and he'll have good times
Doin' things that you don't understand
But if you love him, you'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him, oh be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just a man.
Stand by your man, give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely.
Stand by your man, and show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can.
Stand by your man.
Stand by your man, and show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can.
Stand by your man.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 16:33

You'll have bad times, and he'll have good times

Read between the lines.

Jibberjabberjooo · 20/02/2016 16:37

OP I know it's early days, but you will never move on as long as he's coming into your house and keeping up this level of contact.

gleekster · 20/02/2016 16:37

Why is he seeing the DC in your new home?

First step might be to tell him he can collect that at x time but cannot come in. Same at drop off.

Just start making small adjustments until you have stopped seeing yourself as responsible for him. To be honest it seems he has had no problems in the past finding women who meet his needs. Time for you to concentrate on yourself.

Cuttheraisins · 20/02/2016 16:38

I think you need to step back and look at this with more perspective. Usually I would say that to someone who over reacts, but you are under-reacting! I would be absolutely fuming through my eyeballs if this had happened to me and dh would be shown a suitcase, and the door, no 'helping him out' business. He is a grown man, he made the conscious decision to cheat on you and hurt you. He is not a child. He is an adult. And you need to figure out how contact with the children will work through discussion but it can't be in your new place that's impossible. He is manipulating you.

Cinnamon2013 · 20/02/2016 16:41

Ok, so I read about the cheating and that's all pretty awful. I'm very sorry for what you're going through.

But what he did with the car? You seriously need to get yourself away from this man and keep your kids away from him. You owe it to yourself and your family. His violence could well escalate. Please don't put yourself in this position.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 16:45

OP, you have minimised the car trashing episode. You realise that is a complete dealbreaker, don't you ? He shouldn't be within 100 feet of you and tbh, if he did that in front of my kids he wouldn't be within 100 feet of them either.

Sophie38 · 20/02/2016 16:48

How old are your children?

sulee · 20/02/2016 16:50

Nasty peice of work just like my ex. Keep him at arms length and look after yourself and the children, you and they deserve so much better. I stuck by my lousy ex long after he deserved it and looking back I realise the day I kicked him out was the day our lives improved for the better.

manicattack · 20/02/2016 16:59

bless you and your children , life changes aren't always bad . and from the sounds of this change .it will be one of your greatest opportunity's you' ve had to find out who you are, what you want , and were you want your life to go.. he,s lied to you for your whole relationship ... trust is going to be your biggest issue . personally i would love myself more, pamper myself more , take the kids on hoilday and show them that life is better when mums not stressing about dad. you have had a lucky escape ....
Fix yourself up emotionally, and shine your inner light ... there really is a whole beautiful world out there...enjoy it .

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 19:28

Sorry I've disappeared for a while but ran out of battery.

Children are 3 and 7.

I'll read all the messages and be back in a bit, thanks Smile

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 20/02/2016 19:35

Is be standing ON my feckin man if he behaved like this

Please don't excuse his behaviour by linking it to an addiction, it's simple, he's a liar and a cheat with neither respect for your marriage or you

To have cheated for the whole time you were together! That is beyond awful, as others have said, get angry

Whendoigetadayoff · 20/02/2016 20:08

I dont understand why you are being so understanding? He's cheated on you for the whole of your relationship. 15 years, marriage and two children. Why would you ever want to see him again? Why is he coming into your house - you say you moved so it's not his house? Yes he should see children but you don't have to be there.
He's deceitful, a liar and a cheat. He's then been violent trying to smash up a car.
Why are you trying to find reason in his unreasonable behaviour?

If your best friend turned up at your door with your story what would you be saying to her? Tell people you split up as he cheated on you. Start with your family.

Joy69 · 20/02/2016 20:46

I feel for you, but you sound like you're doing so well so far. Pretty much the samehappened to me, but only (?) for nearly 4 years. I also felt the need to protect him, if that is the right expression? I didn't rant, rave etc & like you told him he needed councilling, although would have been better for me.
I'm now out of the family home - got to the point where I hated it too. If anything I feel sorry for my ex, as he's still hopping to different women. I'm glad I didn't rant ( did in my head....lots!) I have kept a dignified silence & don't let myself feel bitter ( most of the time) Look forward at what you, & you only want & go for it! At times it will (is) hard, but you can do it & he will be a minor irritation.
Good luck xx

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 21:30

Everything you are all saying makes perfect sense. I've just got to toughen up and put some boundaries in place.

I'm not looking forward to his reaction when I tell him things will be changing from now on - not that I think he'll be violent (though I'm starting to wonder - but I know he's worried about it happening).

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread