Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

[iamnotwhat]

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

OP, can you look at it this way? If a 7 yr old was on his bike, and another bigger boy (who he thought was his best friend) and kicked his bike and tried to break it whilst he was on it, would you listen to his exhortation to leave it and not say anything to anyone?

You cannot make the decision something your 7yr old takes charge off. What if something else happens to you later? How will the 7 yr old feel knowing that he stopped you from getting help. You are the the grown up. You are the one there to protect him/them. You need to protect all of you.

If it helps, many many MANY men like this appear wonderful to everyone else. My girlfriends were jealous of my relationship. DP didn't lay a hand on me for 4 years (just behaved badly). And then he slapped me. He was mortified. Said he should leave. No, no I said! We'll be OK. Dear OP, within weeks he tried to strangle me. I do wish to upset you. You need to see this.

GP needs some professional development IMHO.

BTW, the repercussions can last decades. My DH's dad did nothing to protect him from his mum (used to beat them). Now he freezes if our eldest DS is rude/aggressive towards him. Apparently he doesn't see how he can "protect" himself/deal with it. He/we are getting help.

You poor love. He might need "help". You're not the one to get/give it.

Sorry, my point (I did have one) is you can't do what the children want because they don't know what's good for them. Truly. They may be hostile at some point because you made their daddy go away, but really, you know that you can bear that rather than them see their daddy hurt their mummy. (Can't find a way to put it without sounding provocative/emotive, but that's what it is I suppose).

I feel sad for my husband because he's nowhere near the man I thought he was and I don't know how to cope with it - and also he's now lost everything.

Seriously? This is a man who cheated on you 3 days after you got together - and has been seeing other women for 15 years. Sex addict my arse! He's a narcissistic tosser who deserves to lose everything. He has no regard for you - hard as it is for you to see this, but he never has!

He's feeling sorry for himself because it's all out in the open, now, and his cosy two-timing life has come to an end. Serve the bastard right!

Cut him loose and let him dangle in the wind. Keep your contact with him cold and minimal.

Don't feel sorry for him in any shape or form - the only sorrow you should feel is for yourself that you didn't find all this out years ago.

But your new life starts now. You'll come out of this a better and a stronger woman. And you're already showing your strength - I love the way you straight away left him and told him it's over. Maybe it's the ADs that are preventing you from being as harsh as you could - should - be.

But you must report the violence towards the car - the police must know of this, please. Violence never gets better - if anything, it gets worse.

Please take the advice you've been given about not allowing him into your new home. Keep all contact on the doorstep. Tell your family everything - they have a right to know. It's their GCs - and yourself - that are at risk.

This has all been a terrible shock to you - it'll most likely take you a little while to really take stock and decide just exactly where you go from here. But what you must do is to act on all the good advice given on this thread!

I hate that my 7yo saw what he did and, Cabrinha, you are completely right that he should NEVER have seen that. I can't and don't excuse my husband for that, and I must do everything in my power to ensure it doesn't happen again. Tbh I think I've been working under the assumption he won't do anything like it again, but I would never have suspected he'd do it a first time so who's to say...

I am somewhat overwhelmed by the kindness all you lovely people have shown me. Thank you all.

I'm just looking at the messages now after a long chat with my mum, who is just wonderful. She feels angry on my behalf and hurt that someone they took into their hearts could treat someone so badly. I don't think the car incident has quite sunk in yet.

I shall send him a message tomorrow to let him know that, in order to move forward, I feel that we shouldn't see each other except for access to the children at least until he's benefitted from counselling. Unfortunately I can't afford solicitors etc so I'm not sure how I'm going to sort out the access side of things, but I'll make enquiries and see what I can do.

Thanks again everyone. Between you and my mum you've given me the push in the right direction that I needed. Can't thank you enough xx

OP, well done for acting so quickly and decisively as to have moved out immediately and found a new home for you and your children.

It sounds from several things you have said that you could have been enduring a level of emotional abuse for years, for example, making out that you are the problem. There are many many women who take much longer to get themselves out than you have done . I hope you are proud of the way that you took your children and yourself out of that situation.

However, it will be a house, not your home, if it has him in it .

Practice a series of responses :
"It's clearer for the children if we keep clear boundaries between our different homes now."
"I would prefer it if we recognise our separation . Could you make arrangements to see the children elsewhere please"
"That isn't something I feel comfortable with , so I suggest ... X, y, Z"
"I'd like it to be clear that we have separate households now so that isn't appropriate"
etc.
Have some responses ready in your back pocket, it really helps.

I am wondering if your family's response is not awkward guilt because they suspected he has been mistreating you and being unfaithful for years ?

OP please see he is manipulating you in the most appalling way and has done for years. I guarantee he will go ballistic when you put in boundaries as you are taking his jollies away. To get strong you need to get angry. You seem to think the kids will automatically see this anger but there is a mid way between being a doormat and calling the Police. Find that mid way point. You seething with quiet rage and him knowing it and hopefully but unlikely being heartily ashamed of himself. You need this inner rage to get you through. It is a tool, use it. While you continue in the same vein you always have (being a walkover) He will continue in the same vein he always has - being a selfish, self centred cheating utter bastard that could not give less of a shit about you if he tried. Get white hot with controlled rage, push on with a DIY divorce and bin him the fuck out of your life. Hand the DCs over at the door, do not even give him eye contact and start to get a life for yourself as he has taken far too much of it casually and for his own ends already.
Get an STI check too. Christ knows what he has exposed you to.

Blu - thanks for the suggestions of what to say We live nowhere near my family so I don't think they'll have suspected any infidelity, though it's come out that they weren't happy with the way he didn't do anything to help with the children etc.

SquashyHat - I'm really having trouble with the rage. It's almost if I'm past caring about what he's done over the years and I just want to move on.

I went to a sexual health clinic as soon as I knew about the other women - the first round of tests all came back clear (phew). Unbelievably my husband said there was no need as of course no one he'd had sex with would have anything

You'd didn't reply to my suggestion to look into codependency. Please do look into it, a lot will slot into place for you when you do. You can't do anything about his execrable ways but you can do something about how you are contributing to this appalling dynamic.

You say you ' feel sorry for him bcs he is not the man you thought he was '. Erm that's an about -face statement to make.

Melodie Beattie is the expert on codependency. Do Google.

I must be a similar personality as you (or been conditioned how to respond over many years of EA) as I too worried about him being left with nothing (this is after he beat me up to the point I thought I was going to die) because this was the first physical attack I excused it as a breakdown on his part, anyway my point is that I did eventually (9 months later) realise what an idiot I had been to try and make it work after that and kicked him out, only to worry about how he would cope! In the event he coped just fine after a week of raging he found another girlfriend (we were married 14 years) and became the sweet funny man that I fell in love with all those years ago, only difference was that this time I could see it for the act it was.
sorry for rambling but if you stick to firm boundaries like others have said he will quickly adjust and you will both move on quicker. Good luck.

Springydaffs - I will def look into it, thank you

Ignoringthechoc - it's very comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. I'm glad you've moved on successfully, you went through so much

"my son knows that what my husband did was wrong but he thinks it's something his daddy won't do again so telling the police would only make matters worse"

Your son is 7 FFS. SEVEN! He doesn't get to tell you what to do! He doesn't know what's best for you all. He has grown up with an abusive father so he has no sense of what a healthy relationship actually is. You are going to need to do a lot of work to sort yourself out - so you stop doing what a 7yo tells you to do - and then to help your children heal from the damage their father has done (and I'm sorry to say this but the damage you have enabled so far).

Agree with the PP who said you should be asking for advice about supervised contact.

AnotherEmma - thank you. I'm not excusing what happened (far from it) but it's not something that had happened before. Our children have never witnessed violence before - and physical abuse was not part of our lives. It was totally unexpected. I'm not naive enough to think it won't happen again, which is why I'm making changes and why I asked for advice.

I know that the decision I made in the car was not the best but I was in shock and I made what I thought was the right decision at that time. I had an upset child and I did the best I could in the situation. My sole intention was to look after him. The children are everything to me.

Step one is complete. I've told my husband that I want distance between us, want to see less of him and that he can't come around to my house any more - that at first it was my sanctuary from the whole mess he'd made and that it had to go back to that.

He was upset. He said he'd been thinking the opposite (which I guess was to see more each other, to get back together again?!). He'd hoped to come around tonight to see the children. I've said no, and suggested we meet up in the next day or so on neutral ground to talk about access to the boys, ground rules etc.

On to step two...

Well done iam. The cheek of him expecting that you might get back together and to see you more after what he's done. Unbelievable. What a prick.

Thanks jibber.

It made me feel sick telling him as he's so good at twisting things around and I end up feeling unreasonable. When he said about us seeing more of each other I actually thought for a moment that maybe I'd made the whole thing up as surely no one would think I'd want to get back together after all I know now...

There's no going back as far as I'm concerned. I've proved that I'm as strong as I ever was - I just need to trust my instincts again as they never let me down (I was just convinced to the contrary).

Well done. You sound like you are coming out of yourself.

Sorry for your pain. This really highlights an issue that seems obvious but so often appears to get overlooked. Our primary relationship should meet our core emotional, psychological and sexual needs. Before committing to a relationship you should be sure that it meets both yours and your partner's. If it doesn't - don't go there.

Richard - do you mean me or him? I had no idea that he wasn't telling me what he actually wanted sexually from the start. He has said himself that he knew instead of telling me he just set about trying to change me, to make me like the things he liked. This was done over 15 years, and it didn't work. Hence things finally blowing up in his face

Why can't he see the kids where he lives op?

I ask that question but I know the answer - it's do he can continue to control and manipulate you.

RichardLawton that's such a helpful comment. Not.

Good work so far, op

He needs to see his kids on his own, away from your house.

Playing happy families does no one any favours especially the kids who will not understand why daddy can't come back when you are acting like a family unit anyway

Remove yourself from any responsibility to his relationship with his own kids. Your only part in it is to agree reasonable contact and the rest is up to him.

I have just started counselling and the one thing that she said that totally floored me and has already made a massive difference to me is this : you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Only your own (and your kids)

I think that we (women in particular) are conditioned to think we have to make people happy, keep them happy, sacrifice our own happiness so as not to upset anyone else. That isn't true.

Your stbxh's happiness is not your responsibility. It is his and his alone. Even more so now that he is your ex.

Your (and really pertinently in your case) and your kids' happiness alone is your concern now.

If you have a wobble, look in a mirror and say to yourself "I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness" (apart from the kids obv but that doesn't make such a snappy slogan )

He will be trying to manipulate you. He won't want to take any responsibility for this. He will want to blame you, manipulate you and try and come out of this as the good guy. He's already doing it by making you feel sorry for him and making you feel unreasonable. Don't play his game. That's why you need to keep contact to a minimum.