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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

357 replies

iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 14:10

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

OP posts:
manicattack · 22/02/2016 08:01

Blu its true you can get legal aid due to domesric violence ,bit you need proof ie police reports ,social service letter ect ... And theres also a two year from the last dated incident time limit as well ....id suggest keeping a little note book with you to log everyting down ,like everytime he rings when hes had contact with you or the children .make notes of the text he sends screen save
Them , when he starts to realise you mean it his time he will be nasty. I really hope you stay strong enough to do this .and maybe everytime you have that bit of temptation you could come on here im sure others will keep you company . i for one am proud of you .just remember he was your life lesson on what you do and don't want.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 22/02/2016 08:19

Not defending him, but the other woman seems to be a bit of a fruitcake who's blown hot and cold since he told me about her (maybe he's met his match?!). I'm not sure that it's his decision to end things - I'm also not convinced it won't start up again! Nothing to do with me now!

The only person in all this who seems to have been disposable to him is me - but maybe not, maybe he just thought I loved him soooo much he could throw anything at me and I'd still be there like a pair of comfy slippers...

Manicattack - thanks for your lovely words. I do feel pride in what I've done so far, I just wonder if maybe the moving out etc was the easy bit! I'll keep texts etc and make notes as you suggest, thanks

OP posts:
Blu · 22/02/2016 08:46

Iamnotwhat, the only answer you need give him wrt 'any hope' is 'No'. No advice about getting help etc. the whole help thing is a hook. And you know how toddlers and young kids pester and pester and act up because ANY attention, even being told to stop it or be quiet, or being told off, is better than no attention? There is an adult version of this, and he is deploying it.

I learned a good expression this weekend: Not my pigs, not my pigshit! His life is definitely his pigs now, not yours.

He tried to make you something you are not throughout your relationship. He deceived you about the life you were living for all those years. He will just spin another story now .

manicattack · 22/02/2016 08:56

I think if you can stick to this .....this time next year your going to wonder what all the fuss was about and you ll wish you had done it sooner.... Keep posting it will give other women the strenght

Cabrinha · 22/02/2016 09:22

The OW is a bit of a fruitcake.

OP, please - please - don't be a twat and fall for insulting another woman instead of fucusing your contempt on him.

If he's told you things that make you insult her that way, what do you think he's been saying / getting her to think about YOU?

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 22/02/2016 09:24

If the woman is such a fruit cake then why has he been having sex with her all this time? Why was he (until a few days ago) so in love with her?! And why oh why oh why did he impregnate her? Was he so caught up in all his 'kinkiness' that he forgot about birth control?

I'm not attacking you OP and I know you're in the early stages of discovering the truth but this man is not a 'sex addict' or someone that you need to support to get help. He is a cheating, lying scumbag who is having a baby with a woman who isn't his wife.

That poor baby being brought into this crazy situation. It honestly breaks my heart.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2016 09:40

Yes, OP be very careful you don't fall in line with his trashing of this woman. I presume you haven't heard her side of this grubby story ?

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 22/02/2016 10:00

I'm really sorry to have caused consternation by being disparaging. I hadn't meant it like that Blush I'm not excusing him and putting the blame on her in any way - she's only been on the scene since Christmas whereas he's been messing around throughout our whole relationship. I just wanted to give an idea of the sort of dysfunctional relationship they have/had. That it's likely to rumble on and on. That I know that I'm so much better off out of it. He seems to be attracted to the "troubled" sort of situation.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/02/2016 10:02

Fair enough. Like I said, you are best off out of it but I don't think it is healthy for you to know any details about his latest fucked-up dalliance. Watch out you don't morph into his Agony Aunt, as well as his mother.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 22/02/2016 10:06

No, I've not heard her side from her. I've no doubt she'll have heard allsorts about me. I too feel sorry for the child, but I'm sure she'll be loved and cherished. I just hope all the angst is over long before she's born.

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 22/02/2016 10:09

AnyFucker, unfortunately that's what I've been... Fool that I am. I thought I was being all grown up about things but in fact I was just being used. Again. And I let it happen. With your help though I'm seeing things for what they are and I'm changing my ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 22/02/2016 10:12

I just don't understand why he thinks we should - could - get back together. He seems perplexed at my constant "no". I'd have thought that moving out, changing my name etc on top of telling him in no uncertain terms that it's over would be enough. Apparently not.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/02/2016 10:17

This is meant kindly...

Part of the reason that he isn't getting the message that your relationship with him is over is because you have not made it clear enough so far. By letting him into your house, listening to his tales of woe, supporting him in his fucked upness, letting him off the hook wrt his responsibilities as a father etc etc etc

The other part is of course that he is a complete dickhead who doesn't want to let his One Woman Support System go and will use any means to achieve it.

Jibberjabberjooo · 22/02/2016 10:32

I think as AF said, he hasn't ever thought you won't want to get back together because you're still being his support, he can come round, moan at you and how terrible life is and you're there listening to him.

He's probably over the years also compartmentalised his life too. He has you at home his wife and then he has his other life where he is having sex with a lot of women. The two have always carried on quite nicely as far as he's concerned so why can't it carry on?

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 22/02/2016 12:25

Your comments are always taken kindly AF, thank you. You're talking sense.

AF and Jibber, you're completely right - it is down to me. A reasonable person would understand that it's just not going to happen in the circumstances, but his idea of normal is very different to mine

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 22/02/2016 13:44

It's a bit of a mn cliché but perhaps it's apt here to say "no is a complete sentence". No explanations as to why he can't come round, no explanations at all. You don't owe him anything.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 22/02/2016 15:49

It's done. I said no.

OP posts:
Blu · 22/02/2016 16:01

Well done, OP.

ProfGrammaticus · 22/02/2016 16:01

Well done. You'll probably have to say it again. One step at a time. Be kind to yourself. Put yourself first. Answer any questions you have about what to do in relation to him by reference to the mantra "Does this make my life easier in any way?"

Flowers
AnyFucker · 22/02/2016 16:03

Well done. I doubt that's the end of it but now he will have to start doing as you wish.

You are actually in control here. You always were, you just didn't know it.

NameChange30 · 22/02/2016 16:14

Well done. Keep up the good work! Smile

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 22/02/2016 17:10

It sounds like you're making lots of progress.

I spent the first year after splitting with xh being reasonable. I was reasonable when I demanded to see the dcs when he wanted to. I was reasonable when he cancelled seeing them at short notice, or brought them back at short notice because he'd had enough.

I was reasonable.

The problem was that he wasn't. I also moved out with the dcs because I couldn't bear the memories of the place.

He would walk into my home whenever he felt like it.

Then one day I came home to find he'd broken in.

He couldn't see why it was an issue. I wasn't a real person to him. He had no boundaries when I came to me at all.

He was a nasty, selfish, individual. I finally found my anger and put some rules in place.

Trying to be reasonable when you're dealing with someone like this is a recipe for disaster.

Decide what you want and stick to it. Ignore his foot stomping.

My biggest regret was not calling the police when he behaved violently. It would have helped later when something happened with the dcs.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/02/2016 17:59

Yes!

Well done OP. How did that feel? Strange I expect and, I hope, rather good!

AF is right. You will have to say it many times before he gets the message that he no longer has any say in your life. In fact, brace yourself for him to up the pressure / threats / emotional blackmail. He's seen a glimpse of the future today and he won't like it one little bit do he will up his game.

FuckyouChris has hit the nail on the head. You can be as reasonable as you like but you are not dealing with a reasonable person so your reasonableness just washes over him. Reminds me of another marvellous phrase: you can't educate pork. You can't reason with it either.

NameChange30 · 22/02/2016 20:31

My biggest regret was not calling the police when he behaved violently. It would have helped later when something happened with the dcs.

Listen to this, OP. Take heed. It's not too late to call 101 and report the car incident.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 22/02/2016 22:12

Thank you all. Feel emotionally exhausted

OP posts:
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