Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

[iamnotwhat]

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

Sorry it is so hard.

I presume when he tells people you are 'unreasonable' he tells the whole story - the years of sex with other people, the affair, the pregnancy, the assault on you and the car.... I think most people can read between the lines. Hold your heads high and don't worry what other people may think.

Sorry about your 7 year old. It's a big change for them, but hopefully he will soon see that he can be happy in the new set up, will still see Daddy, etc. is your ex gee-ing him up to talk to you about getting back together?

Cake always helps Breadandwine, thank you Some of the people he's been telling how unreasonable I am have actually had to bite their tongues because they know at least part of the story - and then they've let me know. Some people will believe him of course, but to be honest they can't know me very well if they believe the tripe so in not that bothered what they think. I'm more concerned about what the children here while they're stand next to him while he's saying all this stuff. He just never thinks.

Blu, I was going to say that I'm sure (hope!) he's not using the children to talk me in to getting back together - at least not consciously - but I've been wrong about him before! I think the way he replies to questions and acts around them isn't helpful. His forlorn look gets to the 7yo every time...

Feeling really low today. I've just found that we're behind on childcare payments. I say we, but he's never contributed a bean to it... I've had so much to cope with recently, with him being on at me all the time, or the children playing up because of the upheaval in their little lives that I've let it slip. I feel awful about it. I hate being in this situation - I just wish I could open up the cheque book and pay whatever I owe right there and then... But I can't.

Sorry for sounding/being self-pitying. I just came on here to reread your advice and support. I need a hug or a boot up the bum. Probably both. Thanks again everyone x

Oh love, you don't need a kick up the bum. It must be difficult enough to deal with an abusive, cheating partner without money problems as well.

You would probably benefit from talking to CAB - they can advise on all sorts of things including benefits, debts, budgeting, separation etc etc.

I love that you just talk sense to me and it helps me get my mind back together. Thanks for your support Emma xx

I'll make a cup of tea then get on with phone calls... Hopefully I can get to see/speak to CAB soon.

You're welcome - we can't give you a hug but this is the next best thing! Enjoy your cuppa and good luck with those calls

Who says we can't give iam a hug?

Here's one for you iam, right now! (((hug)))

Thank you! Hugs gratefully received

Sorry, coming to you lovely people for advice again.

I met with my husband earlier as he said he needed to talk. I agreed as I thought it was about the children, though in hindsight he hadn't said anything to make me think that.

It was fine. No aggression, no pressure, a few tears (from him).

He has asked if we can be friends - no pressure to be more. He says that he's realised that on top of everything else he's lost his best friend (me) and that he misses my company. This is what I'd originally hoped for - in the early days when he was besotted with the OW and I wasn't bothered as he'd killed off all the wifely kind of feelings I'd previously had for him. At that timeI'd hoped we'd lead separate lives, but be good friends and wonderful parents together (I can hear pigs flying overhead now I say it nearly a couple of months on!).

I don't know what to do. Apart from the times when he was a controlling, cheating, manipulative shit we got on well - similar interests and sense of humour etc. And I think it would be easier (better?) for the children if we can get on.

He's suggested little things, like being able to send me a text saying "did you see x on TV? Wasn't it great?" sort of things. But he also suggested things like going on holiday as a family (but us in separate rooms).

I was thinking that texts might be fine, but I'm not so keen on the family holiday idea. But then I thought I'd find out what you think as you can see things more objectively than I can! And let's face it, I've been sucked in before!!

No, no, no!
Take a minute to think about how ridiculous this sounds:
"Apart from the times when he was a controlling, cheating, manipulative shit we got on well"!!!

You CAN'T be friends with someone who doesn't treat you with basic respect. The basic definition of an abuser is that they don't treat their victim(s) with respect.

He is trying to play you, OP. Don't let him. Be strong.

He's hoovering. He's trying to show you what a good guy he really is. You deserve a better friend than him, let alone a better husband. Do not fall for his charms. He's a manipulative, cruel man who spent the whole of your marriage living a lie. You deserve better than that. Also saying 'I like kinky sex, you won't give it to me so I'm going elsewhere.' Is completely trying to blame you. He should have been honest from the start and if he couldn't live without the kinky sex should have set you free to find someone who treats you with respect.
Every time you think oh he's not that bad remind yourself of what he's done. My dad is this kind of person, from my experience he will break your heart over and over again. You deserve more than this, and you know it as you wouldn't have left him!

Don't do it - give yourself some space. Sort your life out without his presence, because the last thing you need is for your head to be in constant "what if" mode, which it will be if he is constantly hovering around.

Being kind to yourself is really important and you need to surround yourself by people who are safe, who you know put your needs first.

In 15 years he hasn't done this, so he isn't going to start now. He's hoping to suck you back in to his madness and the way not to get sucked in is to keep him at arms length.

Have you discovered chump lady yet?

No, it's not your job to be his friend, he chose to shit on you........

iamnotwhat...I think in the long, long run, being amicable (which isn't quite the same as being friends) is ,kind of the gold Standard for good parenting after divorce. I even know people who have done an annual family holiday, and it worked our well.

BUT this was a break up that was mutual and not based on any bad behaviour, just growing apart, no-one was abusive, or lied, and it took a while to come to the position where they could spend a week with Mum, Dad and child together.

Your ex is trying to keep you hooked in before you have settled your independence. IF you can be friends it has to be your call. He behaved like a git, he betrayed you, he lied. He doesn't get to manage the timetable or the future relationship.

He feels hurt? How the heck does he think you might have felt? he needs to grow some self awareness.

" I'm more concerned about what the children here while they're stand next to him while he's saying all this stuff. He just never thinks."...and then in the very next line you are sure he isn't influencing the kids about the break up!

He is throwing himself about with his hurt puppy dog eyes, telling people, in earshot of the kids that YOU are unreasonable and won't come hoooome with the pooooor children..... what message do you think they are getting? It's all your fault and Daddy wants you all to be a happy family again.

At some stage the kids will know about the baby.

Keep him at a firm distance. You can conduct your business in a 'friendly' manner, but that isn't being friends.

Friends are loyal, your DH has no idea what a 'best friend' is, and he creatively was NOT your best friend throughout your marriage, given the way he treated you!

Tell him he can't even pay his share of the childcare bills let alone show the kind of care and concern that a friend would!

YOU are doing brilliantly. Get angry. No kicking you up the bum - but kick your sympathy for him out of the window!

I think I'd say to him that it would be lovely if you could at least be friendly, and perhaps friends later if all goes well. The first time he is 'unfriendly' point it out to him.

If also say that going on hols together would make you uncomfortable and give the DCs mixed messages. If he tries to bully persuade you otherwise, tell him that's not how friends behave, that's not friendly.

He doesn't like that you've put up walls between you and hm for your protection, so he's trying to get you to take them down. As PP have said, this is "hoovering". Once he's got the OK to text and phone you all the time again, his manipulation will ramp up and you'll be back to where you were, always nervous when he sends a text or when your phone rings, wondering what it is now.

He still has the same agenda, and he doesn't give a monkey's about what ou want.

Don't cave!

Thanks again everyone. Wise words and good advice as usual

I'm finding it so difficult to find the right line to follow. I think it's because I understand barriers and I forget that he clearly doesn't. It's so true that once I've given him so much it could just snowball. And I don't think I've got the strength to keep going like this.

I was hoping he'd have started counselling/therapy by now and that that will help (give me more space in the short term, and make him more reasonable long term).

I spoke to his best friend yesterday - he's being really supportive (of us both) and is trying his best to talk sense into my husband.

I just find myself thinking, what on earth is going to happen next...?

iamnotwhat, please go back and read your OP again. There this man useless turd is exposed for all to see.

He does not give a shit about you - never has. It's all about what he wants. The world revolves only around him - you're just a 'something' that he thinks he can manipulate so that he can go back to the comfortable life he had before.

I've seen some tossers on these boards, but this guy is up there with the worst. Your friend may talk some sense into him, but don't bank on it.

Follow the good advice you've already been given - and gird your loins for the battles which will inevitably lie ahead. But you're intelligent, you're strong - and you're worth 100 of him! You can do this.

And I don't think I've got the strength to keep going like this. Yes, you bloody well have!

Remember who you're doing this for - for yourself, of course, but mainly for your lovely DCs!

I think what is going to happen next is that you're going to get stronger and better at ignoring and/or standing up to him, and he will eventually back off, and you and your DCs are going to be about 1000% happier as a result.

Thank you both. Onwards and upwards!

He's been in touch this morning about a present he wants to get for our elder child - to give to him from us both. I said no, I want to avoid confusing him. He thinks I'm wrong. Am I overreacting on this one? I just think that our 7yo has said he wants us to get back together, and that a joint present would just give his hope alive...

"Am I overreacting on this one?"

No. And I think we safely give you the same answer in advance for any future times you might feel the need to ask!

If he suggests/requests something that you are uncomfortable with, IT'S OK TO SAY NO. You don't even have to explain yourself to him. If he was a reasonable person, he might deserve an explanation, but he's not and he doesn't it.

He's not going to get it. He's not going to change. And that's ok. You can deal with that.

Corrections:
we can safely
he's not and he doesn't it

Thanks Emma x I feel like I've started questioning every step I make again, and I can't let him get that control over me back again