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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

357 replies

iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 14:10

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 28/02/2016 13:31

The reason I thought I'd finally got through on Thursday was because I had a "goodbye" message from him really late on. It didn't last long

OP posts:
mumsonthelash · 28/02/2016 13:32

Sex addiction has destroyed his ability to think rationally so you are wasting your time. He probably has compartmentalised for so long he really thinks he's done nothing wrong.
He lives in denial and delusion so you explaining anything will be white noise.
You see he really believes that shagging around would benefit your marriage.
That's how entitled he is. Awful.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 28/02/2016 13:36

Thanks mums. I'm not sure if he's a sex addict or just a narcissist, but I think what you say applies either way.

OP posts:
mumsonthelash · 28/02/2016 13:50

I know how awful this is I really do. I kept going on and on explaining the obvious and reality but it was a waste of time and nearly destroyed my sanity until I realised I was not responsible for what he thought and if he thought he was right that was up to him.
Otherwise you get trapped into fix it co-dependency.
He is nuts and however you explain things he wont be listening. because he really cant because he's too immature.
Probably the emotional age of a young teen. and its his fault not yours.
Glad you are getting rid hopefully.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 28/02/2016 13:55

I see what you mean. I'll give it a go.

I hope you're all mended now mums x

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 28/02/2016 14:42

mums is right; you are NOT responsible for what he thinks.

The sad fact is that you are never going to make him understand that his behaviour is not ok. Your friend is wrong; you DON'T have to keep explaining it.

He will never get it, and that's sad, but it's not your problem any more.

You need to reach a point where you feel ok about walking away and allowing him to think whatever he thinks.

FantasticButtocks · 28/02/2016 15:07

I'd stop now with trying to explain things to him. He is choosing not to 'get' it.

If you want to feel you have made yourself clear, once and for all, then write him an email (your final explanation) which states what you want and how you feel e.g.

"For clarity, I am now writing to give you an explanation in simple terms and in black and white. If you decide not to understand it, then that's a shame but I'm afraid I will not be giving any further explanations. These are the reasons why staying in a relationship with you does not work for me and why I will not be continuing to do so: You do not have to understand or 'get' my reasons, for them to be perfectly valid. But you do need to stop expecting further explanation or discussion, because that will not be happening."

  • Or something along those lines… Then don't engage in any more discussion or explanations with him.
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 28/02/2016 15:11

Thanks Emma. I'm getting so fed up with the situation.

That sounds like a good idea FantasticButtocks. I'm going to see what tomorrow brings. You've given me a great start, thanks.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 28/02/2016 15:14

I'm sorry but I disagree with FantasticButtocks suggest to write one last email. It's a good idea in theory but given that you've already tried to explain yourself over and over, and he still won't respect your position, it's well past the time for that now.

NameChange30 · 28/02/2016 15:16

The time for long explanations is over. They demand emotional energy and time that you don't have and he doesn't deserve. If you respond at all (and ignoring would be a good strategy) you need to keep the messages short and sharp. A copy and paste job as I suggested up thread.

FantasticButtocks · 28/02/2016 15:27

I keep having to go through it all again and again with him.

Can I just say you are not having to go through it all again and again. You are choosing to repeatedly do this. There is a difference. Saying "I'm not going through this again" to him each time he tries is perfectly fine. Followed by 'I'm going to put the phone down now.' if he continues.

Why does him 'understanding' matter so much to you? Perhaps trying to examine that might help you to detach.

How will it change things if he agrees/gets it/understands? If the answer to that is because then he'll finally shut up and piss off, then perhaps there are other ways to bring about that change. Like not engaging with him anymore. Are you perhaps hoping that if he understands and gets it properly he will behave in a more reasonable manner? Are you still treading on eggshells in the hopes it will make him behave better/be nicer? How likely are you to be able to control whether he is nice or nasty? Is it really down to what you do, how he behaves? Just a few questions to ponder….

NameChange30 · 28/02/2016 15:31

Excellent points/questions.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 28/02/2016 15:37

I suppose I thought that if he understood how his behaviour (past and present) effects me and the children then that make him stop. I guess I'm that imposing my morals and personality on him with that tho... I thought I "had" to explain as he'd not leave me alone otherwise. So, yes, I've been going over the firm "no and leave me alone" routine with him again and again in the hope he'd get the message and butt out.

I'm not treading on eggshells any more. I couldn't say what I've been saying if I was.

I've got this far and I'm not going back.

Thanks for being here for me x

OP posts:
StDogolphin · 28/02/2016 15:59

Keep all the texts as evidence in case you need it later. Could you have a second phone for everyone else and one for him that you keep in a box and check occasionally?

Will a solicitor take payment from the marital assets rather than ongoing? Then you could get some legal advice. What did the police say about the car incident? Maybe they could advice now about the constant contacting you?

GingerIvy · 28/02/2016 16:58

I got a new phone and put my old phone in a box on the shelf. I labelled it "X-box" which gave me a bit of a giggle. I checked it once a day, but didn't answer any messages that were not directly related to child contact. Everything else was ignored. Once I'd established after a week or two that it was all drivel, I then started checking it once a week.

I could just feel the stress draining away, as I didn't need to worry "what now?" every time my new phone went off with a text.

Blu · 28/02/2016 17:52

"I suppose I thought that if he understood how his behaviour (past and present) effects me and the children then that make him stop. I guess I'm that imposing my morals and personality on him with that tho... "

It also sounds a bit like you hoping, or expecting, that he might in some minor way, shape or form finally show you some care or consideration.

He won't. This is the man who tried to change you throughout your relationship, to make you into something that he wanted and you didn't. And feeling entitled to what he wanted he helped himself, outside your marriage.

He now believes he can 'change you' into wanting him back, rather than accept what you want. And the chances are he's still helping himself , somewhere, with someone, to what he believes he wants / needs and is damn well entitled to.

I would tell him that the conversation is over and if he doesn't stop harassing you you will report him to the police, and include the car incident in your report. And then refuse to engage in ANY dialogue except about the children. Just ignore.

Get your children fully settled in the new arrangement, give yourself time to recover from the terrible shock and end of your marriage, then time to be and enjoy YOU, and then find someone who actually knows what care and consideration is, and that it is based in honesty.

You are doing so well OP. Don't let him hold you back.

GingerIvy · 28/02/2016 18:03

Oh, and you can fully expect that if you TELL him you will only respond to messages directly related to the children and child contact, that he will tag something about it into each and every message, so he can continue the way he wants to. Been there, done that.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 28/02/2016 22:23

GingerIvy - you're right about the texts. There's all sorts of things coming ostensibly about the children! Love the idea of the X-box.

Thanks for your advice again Blu.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 29/02/2016 10:32

Just stop replying. Stop. Now. You are just feeding the drama, his ego, and your stress by carrying on any dialogue with him at all.

You don't have to explain anything to him. You don't owe him an explanation. You don't owe him the steam off your piss to be brutally blunt. Stop it.

No answer is the best answer.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 29/02/2016 14:15

I'm only replying to texts about the children or about sorting out the practicalities of the separation now. You're so completely right. No more explaining.

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 01/03/2016 18:48

STBXH told me at the weekend that he'd give me a divorce today if he could and that he'd look into it. He looked into it today and sent me a text to tell me how much it cost and how long it would take. I told him I knew and, if I had the money, I'd go for it straightaway as I don't see any point in delaying.

This evening he's asked me to delay applying for a couple of months so I can see how much he's changed. I said no, I wouldn't wait under those circumstances as I want the last chapter of my life closed so I can carry on with my life, and whatever it brings.

His attitude changed a little - he told me that I'm only doing this for myself and it would be better for the children if we stayed together. I disagreed. He said that that's what the 7yo wants - I said we can't let a child choose what's right (earlier posters - I have listened and learnt) and that he doesn't know what has happened (and wouldn't understand anyway).

Then he turned. As I always suspected could happen - suddenly he wouldn't be able to pay child maintenance as he couldn't afford it etc etc. I pointed out that the amount he's paying is based on him having the children for 1-2 nights a week at his house (which has not happened yet) and that if he didn't have them the payment should go up not down. I also pointed out that I'm having to find a huge amount extra per month to pay for rent, council tax and heating - which is nearly four times more than he's paying for the boys.

He started to get snappy. I told him he couldn't (shouldn't) withhold the children's maintenance just because he hasn't got his own way. He calmed down, backtracked and tried to be all "reasonable" again.

And I'd wait for divorce for what reason exactly...?!?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/03/2016 18:58

You're sounding really strong, OP. Well bloody done! Keep it up Smile And yes you probably will need to keep on at him to pay maintenance, and go through CMO if/when he stops. Bring on the divorce and the financial settlement, I say.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 01/03/2016 19:09

Forgot to mention - he said he can refuse to pay child maintenance if I'm not allowing him to communicate (I don't know if he means with me or the children). I've not stopped him communicating at all!! I've stopped replying to texts about me, but not to ones about the children. I've encouraged him to see the children. I suggest that they say goodnight to him on Skype. I don't think I'm the bad guy here...

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 01/03/2016 19:11

Thanks Emma. I thought/hoped you'd reply x

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 01/03/2016 19:14

He said he wishes he'd never met the latest one. I said if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else, so he wasn't to blame her. She was the last in a long line, and he didn't have to shag her ffs!

OP posts: