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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

357 replies

iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 14:10

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/03/2016 13:19

Exactly.

plainjanine · 09/03/2016 13:30

I think you are wrong to believe that he doesn't understand barriers and boundaries - I'm sure he does. But as far as he's concerned with you, they don't serve his purpose, so he's going to try to ignore any you put up.

Anything he does which involves you both will have an ulterior motive. His present for your DC "from both of you"? It's another way to entangle you with him. Only this time with the added bonus of emotional blackmail. This is so, so wrong! If he wants to give his child a prezzie, fine, there's no need to bring you into it.

Neither you or his best friend will "talk some sense into him", beause what he's hearing doesn't fit with how he wants this to proceed. He wants you back where you were before his cheating came out, dutifully keeping house and home for hhim while he gets his jollies any way he feels like.

I may have missed it up-thread, but have you had an STI check? He's been having unprotested sex with god-know-who. :-(

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 09/03/2016 13:50

Thanks for thinking of me Janine. Yes, I've been given the all-clear from my first set of sexual health tests. I've got two more sets to go.

I was shocked by his reaction to me going to get tested - he seemed offended on the OWs' behalves that I should even doubt that they'd be "clean". Considering the websites he found some of them on, I didn't feel quite so certain!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/03/2016 13:51

What an idiot. The more we learn about him the more of an idiot he seems.

You're so much better off without him!

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 09/03/2016 14:45

At least I can laugh at that sort of thing, see how insensitive he is to my feelings. Without laughter I think I'd be lost Smile

OP posts:
Breadandwine · 09/03/2016 15:39

The best laugh is the last laugh, iam! And that's what you'll have over this pathetic excuse for a man! Grin

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 09/03/2016 21:05

I've realised that I need him to be strong, happy and stable for the children - so I know they can spend time with him happily, with no aggro - and that they won't come back with hopes of us getting back together etc.

I also know that I can't help him with that, whatever he thinks...

We just keep going around in circles.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/03/2016 21:14

"I've realised that I need him to be strong, happy and stable for the children - so I know they can spend time with him happily, with no aggro - and that they won't come back with hopes of us getting back together etc."

Unfortunately you can't control his mental state and his behaviour when the children are with him. But fortunately you can do as much as possible to limit his access to the children and mitigate the negative effects.

It would help if you reported the worst incidents of his abusive behaviour to the police.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 09/03/2016 23:29

I just haven't been able to bring myself to report anything. Though horrific at the time I can't see it happening again. He's getting help and frankly I'd rather he "gets better" than gets punished. Sorry if that sounds weak, but I'm thinking of my children here.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 09/03/2016 23:32

It doesn't sound weak at all Thanks

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 09/03/2016 23:41

Thanks FB Smile

Emma, he's having the children just one night a week for the time being. If I think he's not treating them properly that will be stopped.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/03/2016 08:04

"Getting better" (if that actually happens) and getting punished aren't mutually exclusive. Tbh reporting doesn't necessarily mean he will be punished either, it just means it will be on record.

But your choice of course. If you're 100% sure your children are safe with him, great.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 10/03/2016 16:52

Hi Emma. You're right (as always!) about them not being mutually exclusive, but I don't want to start anything I can't stop and then have it end up being a whole lot worse for the children.

If I reported something to the police would they "act" on it? Or would it just be on file?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/03/2016 17:04

Have a look at this page on reporting incidents to the police, there is lots of information which should be useful:
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/police-and-the-cps/

If you do decide to report the abuse, you could get support from the Victim Support service and/or domestic abuse support service. I think the police should put you in touch with them. But if not you could find your local support service on the Women's Aid website. You could also talk to Women's Aid before you report anything, to help you decide whether or not to report it. They will be able advise you what is likely to happen next.

HTH

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 10/03/2016 17:06

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 11/03/2016 10:53

Spoke to H last night. He's not a well person. He's trying to get help, but it's slow in coming.

He has no one to go to - he's burned all his bridges by his behaviour towards me, and he's been left with no one except for a couple of friends who live 200 miles away. I couldn't see anyone in that state and just leave them - but especially not my children's father. While I know it sounds like a bad idea I suggested we talk.

He realises now that not only am I not going back to him, but also that the control games aren't going to work any more. He realises that I'm strong, much stronger than him. I've suggested that he doesn't make any big decisions until he's on the road to recovery, and also suggested he doesn't have the children overnight at the moment.

The reason I'm posting this is because it goes against what so many of you had advised so strongly. I don't want you to feel that I haven't listened and considered and learned, because I have. I really appreciate every moment of your time taken to help me, and I hope you'll continue to do so. I also want to say that I didn't go into it naively last night. I'm constantly on my guard, keeping him at arms length and will be ready to pull the plug on any contact/support/access to the children as necessary.

I just couldn't see someone in that state and just ignore it...

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 11/03/2016 11:02
Confused

I understand your wish to help is coming from a good place, but be very very careful.

You might also want to look up co-dependency...

NameChange30 · 11/03/2016 11:07

It's not your responsibility to be his counsellor or therapist. He could very easily get one. It's his fault that he's alienated everyone, and he needs to learn that there are consequences to his behaviour.

He is the abuser. You are his victim. It is not appropriate for you to support him.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 11/03/2016 11:58

I looked into codependency and I'm sure it isn't what's happening here. Not trusting myself (!) I asked a brutally honest friend what she thought and, having looked into it herself, she said the same. I know where you're coming from though!

Thanks Emma x

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 11/03/2016 12:00

Ah ok, well that's good. Thought it was worth mentioning just in case but if it's not an issue that's one less thing to worry about it. Sounds like he's just got his claws into you and is taking advantage of your kind, caring nature!

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 11/03/2016 12:00

Should mention, he started seeking help over a month ago. He's still in the assessment phase. It's bringing up a lot of shit from his past so is traumatic, but hasn't actually got help for it as that's the next phase. If he wasn't trying to do anything to get himself sorted then I wouldn't be going near him, honestly.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 11/03/2016 12:03

I'm not judging you, lovely. It sounds like you've come a long way already and you've got your eyes firmly open.

Are you getting any counselling for yourself? (Sorry if you've mentioned it up thread and I missed it or forgot)

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 11/03/2016 12:22

Thank you Smile

I've got a consultation with a relate counsellor next week, but I don't think I'll be able to afford to go in the longer term. At least if it gets me heading in the right direction it'll be something x

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 11/03/2016 14:05

I was thinking more of individual counselling rather than relationship counselling. You may be able to get it for free on the NHS (ask your GP). There is also the Freedom Programme which I think is free if there is a course near you.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 11/03/2016 16:35

My mum suggested relate as it's a relationship that's had an effect on me. It's just me going - I have no interest in couples counselling! Gone way way beyond that! Counselling is difficult to get through my GP. You can wait for months just for an initial assessment!

OP posts: