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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

357 replies

iamnotwhat · 20/02/2016 14:10

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 01/03/2016 19:16

Emma, I'm glad I'm sounding strong as I'm feeling exhausted. Just got to keep that strength in me. Thanks for your help with that.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/03/2016 20:51

"Thanks Emma. I thought/hoped you'd reply x"

Aw, thanks, I'm touched by that Smile

He's wrong about being able to stop child maintenance. He is legally obliged to pay it, whatever happens.
www.cmoptions.org/en/separating/contact-arrangements.asp

You can stay strong, I know you can! 💪
But do take of yourself too - make sure you're getting enough sleep xx

AnyFucker · 01/03/2016 21:05

he's a trier, that is for sure

expect more nastiness and threats as it finally dawns you are not goign to roll over

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 01/03/2016 21:34

Thanks for the warning AF. Do you know, if he put so much energy into his career he'd be ruling the country by now!! (Scary thought!)

I've just spoken to his dad for the first time since new year - he's only just been told what's happened, so I couldn't contact him before. Bless him, he's so lovely and he was embarrassed that his son has been unfaithful (and he thinks it was just the once). At least I've been able to reassure him that he'll still see me and the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 01/03/2016 21:36

Thanks for the link Emma. Very useful x

OP posts:
MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 02/03/2016 10:14

With regards to child support - hasn't he got another baby on the way?! So his child support payments are going to go up even more!

He totally misses the point about his cheating doesn't he? It's not because of the last one particularly (who so recently he loved and missed and mooned over) but all the ones during your 15 years together.

And the fact another woman is having his baby. Why would anybody want to stay married to someone who was having a baby with someone else.

You are doing great OP. Looking forward to an update post in the future where you and your children have a happy, fulfilled and content life without his muppet.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 02/03/2016 10:34

MagicalMrsM - I'm hoping to be able to post that message soon too Smile

I must admit, I thought his child maintenance payments to me would go down once the new baby arrives. Is that not the case?

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 02/03/2016 13:41

Well bloody done!!! Wine You are doing great. Do you feel any better now that you are not waiting for him decide how you spend your life? Sounds like you're dealing with him brilliantly Thanks

FantasticButtocks · 02/03/2016 13:43

I think it depends how much he's got. But his child maintenance costs will go up as he will have another child to support.

FantasticButtocks · 02/03/2016 13:56

he told me that I'm only doing this for myself and it would be better for the children if we stayed together.

He said that that's what the 7yo wants

Forgot to mention - he said he can refuse to pay child maintenance if I'm not allowing him to communicate

He talks a lot of old horse-shit doesn't he? Glad to read that you aren't swayed by his nonsense, his attempts to guilt-trip you into doing what he wants, his inaccurate 'facts' about child maintenance.

Of course you're exhausted, being strong under these circumstances takes a lot out of you! Keep recharging your batteries in whatever ways you know work for you, (walks, sleep, baths, meditation, friends, yoga, telly, novels, and more sleep, all possibilities) You'll be needing more and more of that strength. Probably misquoting Churchill (?) When you're going through hell - keep going!

Your life is going to get a whole lot better. All the best. X

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 02/03/2016 14:05

FantasticB - thanks so much. I never realised how much strength I could get from strangers (as you were).

He says it all with such conviction! I think he just can't believe his "charms" no longer work on me.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/03/2016 14:18

Too fucking right you're doing this for yourself. Quite bloody rightly.

Oh I'd love to have a five minute chat with him. He's making me cross now

Manipulative twatnugget

You are doing so well with not rising to his oh-so-tasty bait! By the way, these conversations don't deserve or warrant and answer - just because he mentions the kids in them does not mean they are essential communications about the kids

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 02/03/2016 14:24

Thanks Bit! I'm getting tired of his logic. Fed up of him making out it's my fault, or that I'm not a good mother (yes, he's even trying that one, ever so subtly) or that I'm just being plain unreasonable.

Loving the term twatnugget as much as I loved twatbadger!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/03/2016 14:42

God he's trying it all isn't he? Ignore it. He is delusional.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 02/03/2016 15:08

Well, the divorce form has been sent off this afternoon. Onwards and upwards...

OP posts:
Blu · 02/03/2016 15:36

I love the fact that one minute he is trying to tell you how much he has changed (a habit and personality of a lifetime, as if by magic, in 2 months....), and by the end of the same conversation he is turning nasty and telling you lies to try and manipulate him.

iamnotwhat, you are doing such a great job. It must have been a huge thing to find somewhere to live and deal with all this, in shock , in grief for what you thought you had, and in such a short space of time.

Keep at it - you have a great life ahead of you.

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 02/03/2016 15:45

Thanks blu.

Running on empty at the mo, but so glad I've got this far

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 02/03/2016 16:24

"the divorce form has been sent off this afternoon. Onwards and upwards..."

Woohoo! One step closer! Smile

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 02/03/2016 20:23

Don't want to wish my life away, but I can't wait until it's all finalised. I think if it all goes smoothly it'll take about 6 months...

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 02/03/2016 21:53

I bet! Fingers crossed it goes a smoothly as possible... Even if it doesn't, keep telling yourself that you will get there in the end!

Jibberjabberjooo · 04/03/2016 09:41

Well done OP, you're doing so well. Must remember to add twatnugget to my vocabulary!

Original poster
iamnotwhat · 04/03/2016 16:06

Well, the STBXH has finally had the children overnight. My goodness how I missed them!

I saw them briefly this morning. The twatbadger kept sniping at me and the 7yo (which is a bit bizarre as the 7yo defends him to the hilt!). Nothing we did was right - we walked too fast or too slow, too much to the left or too much to the right...

And it got me thinking (again) - I'm so lucky to have got out!

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 04/03/2016 21:54
Wine
Original poster
iamnotwhat · 06/03/2016 13:43

STBXH is stepping up the emotional blackmail. And it would appear he's telling people I'm being unreasonable.

Meanwhile my 7yo is desperate for me to get back together with him.

Not feeling as positive at the mo. I'm still feeling strong (as in I'm not going to give in), but I hate to see my 7yo so upset.

OP posts:
Breadandwine · 06/03/2016 14:20

Not much to offer, iamanot, except to say that you're now seeing him as he always was. Just look how far you've come in just 2 weeks. And if you're ever in any doubt, go back and re-read your OP!

I wouldn't worry too much about other people (easy to say, I know...) - I'd be surprised if some of them weren't already aware of his shenanigans.

I feel for your 7yo - of course it's difficult for him to understand yet. But he will.

I think you need some Cake - perhaps in a mug? Wink

Oh, and have these Flowers for Mothers Day.