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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Step right up, it's dating thread 97

1000 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 18/02/2016 20:16

We don't half get through these at speed!

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now)
OP posts:
WavingNotDrowning · 28/02/2016 06:33

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TwoMag314s · 28/02/2016 08:53

waving hold strong. Don't contact Soho even though it's hard. By the time you get to 21 days, you won't want to half as much. I nearly whatsapped that ''why you're still single according to your myers briggs personality type'' article to H the other day. I just found it so funny. But I stopped myself luckily, he mightn't have interpreted it in the same spirit I was sending it. I was thinking, oh look can we both see ourselves in this and laugh with no hard feelings?, but he might have thought, "poor pie, so weak, texting me, pathetic, I hate weakness". Hard to know... maybe that's unfair on him.

I must do nmtz today waving. It is long! that's why I haven't the patience to run through circuits 1 and 2 twice. I do the rest though. Later. :-|

Working the room you say!? I find that hard. I'm not shy, but I would find working the room hard. I must get on with ordering that book and davina's fit in five. Off to amazon now !

Taking the ''perceived challenge'' aspect of what MH advises very seriously, borntofolk I'm going to do it differently this time! I'm like you, and have so often thought, well if the other three feel right then why play silly games, but I think we have to, a bit, or at least, exude an air of ''i have not decided yet''. So, I have stopped emailing mr canceller. I was enjoying our messages a lot, but I think it made it seem too much like I'd made up my mind about him. That it ''was a yes from me" and, it would have added to the pressure on the date. . Which is not for a whole fortnight! "We tried to bring it forward but weren't both free on a Saturday until then. I also worried that if we continued emailing because we were meeting in two weeks it'd be a bit like walking down the street and seeing somebody you know coming towards you. Do you look them in the eye smiling the whole time until they pass you!? or do you just wait until they're ten feet away, and then smile and nod! And then of course, if the second date doesn't go well, it'd feel rude to stop emailingl! I must be absorbing MH because I sent the email before I read your post. I must look for the whole episode on youtube. I told him I hadn't fallen in to this pattern before (ie, out dating) and that I'd like to meet up in real life and see how the date goes (ie, this is not a done deal). I hope I'm not fucking this up........ it'd be the first time :-p

also born the MH speech to give to an IDWAR can be adapted accordingly for men you've only met once. Don't do anything on his terms.

Mind you, I had a dream I turned up for a date and the date had moobs. Is that a warning. I am not attracted to men with breasts.

Handy good luck later! what ya wearing? Are you going to go with your hair like Cameron Diaz's in there's something about Mary?

all the brave souls on tinder and bumble I'm saving that, that's my last reserve card!

threefrazzledfandangos and The Detective It is so hard to break away from such a long habitual relationship, because you're made to feel that you're being cruel and cold and heartless not to keep giving endless chances, more and more chances... But they only want you cos suddenly they realise other men might consider you. BRIEFLY, they are viewing you how a stranger would view you but the moment you gave the second/third/fifth chance they go back to the familiarity that bred the contempt. Sorry for projecting there, I don't know what your relationship was like, but I'd advise staying free if you've got free!

tanya your new iron sounds promising, has a date been arranged?

gast I know, the suggestion to be friends is so patronising I always think. H suggested to me that we be friends, that I could contact him as a friend. I'll pass on that. I have friends. If (unlikely) I ever get a text from him, I'm going to do a denton and say ''who's this?''

ocelot and jolly yes, I only have one iron on the go and our date, though arranged, is not for ages. I need to 'fan' a few conversations forward towards a date. But some of the men who messaged me recently, I felt like asking, did you get a woman to write your profile? because your profile is good and then you send short answers with no questions.

ladylou enjoy the wedding! I'd far rather meet somebody in real life! I think months of OLD does make you a bit cheekier with the eye contact, so good luck! And, I think the only poster we've totally lost is Red, and she met her mr foaf in rl!

scarftown that's funny! calling himself a dick!!! you didn't disagree i take it.

steadyhand I think that that message three weeks later could be because he thinks, ''she's figured it out now''. So HE from his position of holding the cards thinks that it's ''safe'' to message you now because you KNOW he doesn't want a relationship. Such a crappy way of communicating it though and it should be communicated before the sex. He doesn't deserve a reply.

WavingNotDrowning · 28/02/2016 09:06

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BornToFolk · 28/02/2016 09:07

Morning all!

Waving Hope you're OK today. x

Handy I'm quite excited on your behalf re Cockapoo. He sounds like a goodun

Denton LOVE the "who's that?" Perfect!

Jolly Can you really run out of likes on Tinder? I thought it was only the Super Like that was restricted (to one a day)?

Fandango Sorry about your ex...what an idiot! Hope you are OK.

I haven't heard from MrEloquent again so I'm drawing the line again. I feel OK about it. He's a troubled soul and not looking for a relationship so I really should just leave it alone...
I matched with a cute guy on Bristlr last night, exchanged a few flirty messages then he sent me a message saying he wanted me to sit on his beard..Grin Hmm I've made it clear that I don't do hookups so we'll see where it goes from there (probably nowhere, but hey)
I've got my event this morning, which Mr2015 may be at. I'm feeling fine about it now. I don't really want to see him but if I do, I'm sure it'll be fine. If he is there with his girlfriend though, I'm walking. Right, better go and make myself look gorgeous in case I do see him! Grin

HandyWoman · 28/02/2016 09:13

Haha Something about Mary date hair Hahahaha!!!!!! I don't have a fringe to do that with sadly. Am going to try and finish work early and go for a run to give myself some mojo after my 2am bed time! It will be black leggings and killer top and heeled boots.

Feeling v slightly nervous. But know that people who are confident and charming by text are sometimes nothing like it in reality (understatement). So trying to keep the expectations low. We are meeting 5pm. My kids are back 7-8pm.

314 I think you are right with the 'perceived challenge' - I wonder if it's because to want to sleep with them we want to trust them sooner than we should?

Right.... On with my work day.....

HandyWoman · 28/02/2016 09:13

jeggings (smart) not leggings...

TwoMag314s · 28/02/2016 09:19

MH is my new God. The Gospel of Matthew. No, waving, I didn't get back in touch with him! so this is why the not contacting is good I guess. After he cancelled me six months ago, back then I had really high standards! so even though he cancelled with three days notice, I sent quite an abrupt message Blush I think i was new to OLD and thought I would be tripping over lovely men. Ha. So I replied ''ok, well take care". ie, good bye. And I think that was a bit sharp now looking back on it. So, six months later I get an email from him.............. but he knew I liked him. so he wasn't risking much.

I think that'd be hilarious to tell MrIdwar, if he gets back in touch, tell him, it's a dollar short and a day too late and it wasn't so great....

batshit, winter, mom2k good morning yall Brew
I think handy is right about these guys texting banal non-commital chit chat about nothign to keep women on gas mark 1

Winter3005 · 28/02/2016 09:30

Good morning all Smile
Nothing new here to report. Been chatting to a few people but nothing that makes me want to meet them.
The guy who couldn't afford to have a coffee with me disappeared as I thought he would. I have a feeling he just didn't want to meet and used money as an excuse. Shame as we exchanged quite a lot lengthy messages.

ocelot7 · 28/02/2016 09:30

Confess I've looked at various of those American guys like MH giving relationship advice & specifically how to get back with yr ex Blush but I mostly think its BS & a bit dangerous in giving false hope....& maybe making one do something stupid....though I know I can't & mustn't contact MrMusic again it just kills me...
I wish I could get any enthusiasm for seeking new irons....

TwoMag314s · 28/02/2016 09:38

He couldn't afford a coffee! wow winter. Sounds like he has his shit together :-p

Ocelot7, yeh, I'd worry that people like my x (children's father) would view those clips and it would have fed their belief that the relationship is over when they decide it is. My x didn't seem to believe that I had the right to leave him and those clips would have validated that view. Nothing could have made him worse though.. And to a heart broken soul, I'd advise them to think about the aspects of the relationship that weren't right.

TwoMag314s · 28/02/2016 09:39

I want to listen to MH clips about the formula of attraction, working the room, and something else as well but my son is beside me on his tablet.

WavingNotDrowning · 28/02/2016 09:44

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WavingNotDrowning · 28/02/2016 09:47

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TwoMag314s · 28/02/2016 09:50

Yes, it can give comfort to know that you did what you could, that something didn't slip out of your reach because you weren't pro-active enough.

Once, I met a man on the train and we clicked and he gave me his card. I agonised over emailing him, finally I did and he didn't reply. But I thought, well, ok, when it comes down to it, I'm brave enough to take a risk. Good to know. I'd only met him once but I felt brave, and I was disappointed he didn't reply but I knew I hadn't done anything too forward emailing him. He'd asked me to!

TwoMag314s · 28/02/2016 09:52

I think my x knows (although we don't talk beyond, ''their toothbrushes are in this front pouch'') that I'm a completely different person from the one he bossed about for 8 years. He wouldn't have a chance with me now. I sense he knows this. He finally has a bit of respect for me.

Denton2406 · 28/02/2016 09:53

waving No, I didn't match with Soho, I only right swiped out of interest after you said everyone was matching with him, but he hadn't right swiped me, phew! He sounds like an idiot. Think you are better off out of that, but easier said than done.

Lol, I know, I can easily reply with "who's that" if I have no feelings for them, but would be different if it was someone I really like!! Another one who ghosted me last week messaged me at 1.30 in the morning last night, dickhead lol!

ocelot7 · 28/02/2016 09:58

Well they seem to think you will run into yr ex all the time or that they will respond to the carefully crafted email/text after the period of "active" NC... none of which happens for me! - though I did manage 4 then 3 weeks NC... I hope you do feel stronger/less inclined to contact Soho after 21days Waving - I don't :( but can (mostly) control the urge...

I know more irons would help - if only I could do it/stumbled across someone with anything like what we had in common: leftwing politics, certain indie/americana music & outdoors/sport... Doesn't sound insurmountable but I NEVER met a man I fancied & shared all these before...in my 50s!!

WavingNotDrowning · 28/02/2016 10:03

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ocelot7 · 28/02/2016 10:09

I've written it a couple of times up thread Waving like you with Soho I can't imagine clicking/connecting with anyone else this much - it took me 50 yrs to find him so I'd be 100+ at this rate! I just hope he will eventually see this (though why should he after 4 months to forget me?) or I will find a way to live with a hole in my heart & be able to find some sort of joy in other things...

SuperFlyHigh · 28/02/2016 10:12

OK. Been On and off this thread and thought I'd met a keeper but turns out not the case.

Have had the odd reappearance on OKC (a poster messages you a few months later).

Now meeting nice and normal Mr Journo for a date on Tuesday. My perfect date we messaged for a week then he suggested meeting. He seems quirky yet intelligent, has hair (a deal breaker).

If this one does not work out I may try a paid site any suggestions?

winter the coffee one sounds a line he spun you so as not to meet. I can't stand that kind message for ages and then it's a no meet. The excuses is feeble.

ocelot7 · 28/02/2016 10:15

I do think what MrMusic said to me was true but he then pulled the rug from under me so suddenly it was very traumatic - largely because it echoed too closely a childhood trauma (that he knew about) -

I may very well be pinning false hope too but I'm not ready to confront the possibility of never seeing him again...

ocelot7 · 28/02/2016 10:33

Or should I say the certainty? 2.2(?)m people in this county so chances of running into him when he lives 20 miles away are slim 😢

DrFoxtrot · 28/02/2016 10:50

Hello everybody, please can I join you all? I can't believe I've only just read this thread and could have done with all the valuable advice weeks ago!
I've been on tinder about 5 weeks, had 2 dates with somebody who was lovely but no chemistry, then I matched with SB, handsome, professional and he pursued me. It all seems so typical now, I wasn't sure I was that keen initially but he got me completely whipped up. He was texting regularly, phoned me from his holiday and even though I knew he was really busy, he still found time to text. We had a date within 5 days of matching, went really well then arranged to meet a couple of weekends later. I went and stayed over, we slept together and had a fantastic time. And now he is texting less and I sense he is pulling back. I so wish I had known about MH before this, I spent last night watching his YouTube videos. The whole situation has made me feel ridiculous and foolish, I'm the sort of person who gets carried away easily and quickly. But he was the one who started it! He was saying things like we could go away here and here, you can help choose things for my new house. I wish I had kept my feet on the ground and realised that it's all BS until it happens. Why do men do this and then pull back? Urgh, I feel like I can't be bothered with it all. Any tips? Is this unsalvagable? I think you all sound so strong, I'm hoping some of it rubs off on me.

DrFoxtrot · 28/02/2016 10:51

Sorry, paragraphs would have made that easier to read.

WavingNotDrowning · 28/02/2016 11:09

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