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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband photographing me while asleep

574 replies

Lollyz02 · 10/02/2016 09:41

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

OP posts:
OhShutUpThomas · 11/02/2016 20:57

Oh my goodness Sad

You KNOW he'll do it again - because he's ALREADY done it again.

I remember your old threads.

Only1scoop · 11/02/2016 21:00

What a disturbing read.

Please don't be 'bait' Sad

Sleep easy in your own bed

goodnightdarthvader1 · 11/02/2016 21:01

As far as I can see, this is Lollyz02's first thread.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2016 21:02

Don't take any offers of a "nightcap"

MoominPie22 · 11/02/2016 21:02

Old threads? OMG this bloke will NEVER change. OP how many more chances does it take before you take action? If you are genuinely unhappy with what he´s doing you would leave. You´re a total mug. Sad

Chippednailvarnish · 11/02/2016 21:03

And don't let your kids sleep in your bed...

NameChange30 · 11/02/2016 21:07

How can you sleep next to him knowing what he might do?
What if you don't wake up next time he sexually assaults you?
What if you do wake up - will you call the police?

Crankycunt · 11/02/2016 21:13

I think that this is one of the most troubling things I have ever read on mumsnet.

Everything that I want to say has been written already multiple times. So I'm not going to say them again.

All I'm going to say and I realise that this has been said before but make sure you see your own therapist. On your own.

Do not seek couples therapy with this man.

imwithspud · 11/02/2016 21:14

It's pretty sad that you're willing to sacrifice yourself as 'bait' Sad You know that he will do this again, why wait for it to happen again before leaving?

I know it's easier said than done to LTB, you have a life and a family together. But please don't allow him to abuse you again. You deserve much, much better.

Goingtobeawesome · 11/02/2016 21:20

If you'd leave if he does again why isn't it already enough? Why put yourself through more pain? ConfusedSad.

OhShutUpThomas · 11/02/2016 21:45

She posted under a different name darth, ages ago. Last year sometime.
He's not going to stop, he'll just get sneaker.
I'm worried for OP to be honest.

RedMapleLeaf · 11/02/2016 21:46
Sad
goodnightdarthvader1 · 11/02/2016 21:48

I'm worried for OP to be honest.

So am I. But not much we can do except keep trying to hammer it home.

OhShutUpThomas · 11/02/2016 21:55

I'm 99% sure it's the same poster anyway. And she says in the OP he did it a year ago.

Keep coming back for support any time, OP Flowers

LovelyFriend · 11/02/2016 21:59

I know you've said you love him OP, but hasn't all this changed the way you feel about him at all?

Are you able to sleep comfortably beside him? Do you wake rested? Do you still respect him? Like him? Hasn't anything changed for you?

Joysmum · 11/02/2016 22:02

Your thread is too much of a trigger for me OP. I felt the bike ride in my throat at your casual use of the word "bait".

So I'll bow out now and block the thread. It's horrendous I wish you all the best x Sad

Joysmum · 11/02/2016 22:02

*bile

AnyFucker · 11/02/2016 22:06

take care, joy

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 11/02/2016 22:12

Lollyz02 now is the time to make a real plan.
Write down what you need to do and do it.
In response to what you need right now to be safe.
You need money no matter what your fear is get some money and hide it in a place where he will never look.
Get paperwork together.
Birth cert, marriage cert etc and mortgage.
Ring the bank and find out your payments and how much you owe.
Become your own best friend and get financially aware.

Speak to someone in real life now. Even a phone call to one of the links up thread.
Your mother I feel is not going to help you as you have already tried years ago.

Get some clothes together for you and you children.
And start looking for a job.
Get your own bank account now.
You may believe its going to be fine. But I promise you it wont be.
He will lay low for a time but you cant always watch him.
The thing is you will always be waiting and watching for the rest of your life with this man.

For some reason he thinks he owns your body, think about it your body is being used by a man to do with what he wants.With no concern to you as a woman.
You got together with him as a group and are now afraid to break up the group and I think you are afraid to leave the group too.
Have you got anyone close in your group that you can talk too.
You seem so cut of here.
Do you have a car and your license.
What did he do before when he stopped.

And its easy being bait laying next to him but what happens when he "proves" to you its all good and you start having sex again.

You can never have a drink with him ever.
What if he hides under the radar and 10 yrs from now it suddenly starts again and you are completely unaware because this time he knows how to play the game.
Please don't sit and wait for a bit of counseling to fix his sexual side of things.

IguanaTail · 11/02/2016 22:19

You're at your most vulnerable in your own bed, asleep, and yet you're accepting someone assaulting you, repeatedly? Would you be happy for your daughter to accept this?

A cold shiver ran over me when I read your post. Please get out.

Iamdobby63 · 11/02/2016 22:23

@Lollyz, refusing to sleep with him would have emphasised to him how much he had broken your trust. Unless he actually realises the severity of his actions then he will most likely do it again.

Has he booked any counselling sessions?

Hope you have seen the link a bit further up, you might get some more insight there.

Just make sure you don't end up just slipping back into married life.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2016 22:26

She already has Sad

Costacoffeeplease · 11/02/2016 22:31

And you love this loser why exactly? He shouldn't be breathing the same air as you, never mind sleeping in the same bed, but you've backed down once again and he knows you'll keep doing it

Good luck, you're going to need it

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 11/02/2016 22:33

Not only is it a long way off perfect, it's a long way off remotely acceptable.

I can't begin to express how this thread makes me feel. I've been with my DH for over 40 years since childhood. I love him with ever fibre of my being and believe he feels the same because that's how he behaves, but if he ever once did this, he'd be red carded.

That's how bad it is.

Marchate · 11/02/2016 22:34

The man is a disgrace

Whatever we may accept for ourselves, it is our duty as parents to make the right decision when children are in the house

Even saying he wouldn't touch the children is too sad, because you have been forced - by him - to consider the dreadful prospect