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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband photographing me while asleep

574 replies

Lollyz02 · 10/02/2016 09:41

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

OP posts:
thefourgp · 11/02/2016 22:37

This post makes me so sad and angry for you OP. The day will come OP when you will very much regret allowing him to keep abusing you. I hope it happens soon because I think it's only with hindsight that you will fully appreciate how disgusting and unacceptable his behaviour is. Good luck to you. X

amarmai · 11/02/2016 22:41

as you m does not know about this abuse , i imagine she will be as horrified as we are. Please speak to her as she may be a much needed source of support .

MatrixReloaded · 12/02/2016 00:29

Op I really feel for you. My ex husband used to do something similar to me when I was asleep. I'm not aware he photographed me , but he frequently molested me while I was asleep.He also bugged my pc and phone and was very much into voyeurism , swinging and extreme porn , things like toilets. Sadly the things you've discovered might just be the tip of the iceberg.

I was like you and couldn't or wouldn't see how bad it was. I think it's a form of cognitive dissonance. I don't think I could cope with the reality of what was happening. I finally got rid of him , and later on , when I was safe , I had to process what had happened and it was incredibly difficult.

This sort of thing is wounding. It took me years to recover. I really hope you get some help. It upsets me a lot that this is happening to you. You really deserve better.

Original poster
Lollyz02 · 12/02/2016 00:43

I'd just like to clarify that this is my one and only post. I came to this forum after doing a Google search and saw another lady posted something similar.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 12/02/2016 07:01

In a way I'm laying next to him as bait.

It's a wonder he got to sleep at all chuckling away to himself.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/02/2016 07:53

I'm su this is all so hard to read, OP. You must feel rather low about strangers basically telling you you're a fool. No one thinks you are a fool. Everyone posting is desperately worried and sad for you, I imagine, and are trying to shock you out of your feeling that this is ok, what he he does is fine, and that you loving him is enough.

One day you will be away from this abusive, pathetic, controlling twat and you will breathe again.

I'm going to be so bold as to demand a present since it is my birthday. Make the call. Start the process to get away from this man. Wiser people than me can guide you from start to finish where the finish is you safe in your own bed. Please. People are worried about you.

PippaHotamus · 12/02/2016 07:54

I can see what you're doing, OP, and I can understand it (to a point).

You are so afraid of him that you feel you need a much bigger reason to leave. You need to prove to HIM that you are entitled to leave.

It isn't good enough for you to know that the relationship is dead, that you have no faith or trust in him any more - you are afraid of getting it wrong, of being to blame.

He's got to be fully, inescapably to blame in your mind for you to be free to leave.

I just want to say that I don't think that will ever happen. At some point you're going to need to find the balls to stand up for yourself, because he is never going to do that for you. No one else is.

Only you can actually leave him, and you can do it any time you like - even if he wasn't committing these offences against you, against any moral code anyone ever had.

There are seven billion people in the world. What, exactly, makes this jerk your responsibility?

PippaHotamus · 12/02/2016 07:57

And by the way, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we have no issue with you. We all, without exception, I think, want to punch his lights out and throw him off a cliff - just to make sure you and other women in future, are safe - but we can't, so we're trying to make you do something on our behalf.

The thought of a guy like this in the world, doing this crap and getting away with it, makes us all pretty depressed and pretty angry.

I hope you understand it isn't you we're blaming.

Original poster
Lollyz02 · 12/02/2016 08:27

I understand how you all feel and if this was my friend I was talking to I would be telling her the same thing. I just can't leave him until I am ready, or I'll always be wondering "what if he would have changed". I just don't feel it is a hopeless situation yet. I believe there is a chance all will be fine. Maybe naive but for the moment that is where I am.

OP posts:
imwithspud · 12/02/2016 09:02

You don't feel ready to leave yet, and that's fair enough. But please don't offer yourself out as 'bait' to him. That's all kinds of wrong.

PippaHotamus · 12/02/2016 09:05

It's Ok, Lolly, and I do get the 'bait' thing though it sounds a bit dangerous.

I think I can categorically say that it's really, really very unlikely indeed that he is going to change. He will just hide what he does better. Or he may not even bother.

You've stayed before when he did this and you're staying now, so to his mind you're saying 'this is fine with me, I don't like it but I will stay regardless'. He has the green light, and he'll just wait a while to pacify you, then start all over again.

He's got no respect - do you respect him? Do you think he respects you? Would you behave like he has, if you respected someone?

You mean so little to him. I'm sorry, you sound such a nice person, but he doesn't love you.

PippaHotamus · 12/02/2016 09:07

What I mean is, stay until you feel ready to go. You have to work to your own time frame. You have to process it.

No one can do that for you, and the time may come when you do feel ready, and then we will drag support you out of there without hesitation Smile

TheHammaconda · 12/02/2016 09:21

What is your line in the sand then? What will it take for you to leave him?

You say you believe there is a chance that all will be fine. What do you think has the greatest chance of happening: he stops doing something that he feels entitled to do and that he derives sexual pleasure from OR that he does it again? Can everything be fine?

Only1scoop · 12/02/2016 09:23

Be careful he isn't posting the videos of him masturbating and abusing you whilst you sleep (or pretend to sleep) on the 'threesome sites' or worse.

Protect yourself and your family.

It's abuse

Stormtreader · 12/02/2016 09:28

after 11 years of marriage I can truly say that I believe him

Hes done it before, you shouted at him, he apologised, you believed him.
Then he did it again, you shouted, he apologised you believed him.
Then he did it again...

goodnightdarthvader1 · 12/02/2016 09:32

Lolly, again, do you have any thoughts on what I said about him touching you and you NOT waking up? Or as scoop said, about him masturbating over you?

Why do you think he'll change now even though you've told him you don't consent several times previously? What was different about last night?

Also, thought occurs, how is he videoing / photographing you? Surely that's difficult in the dark?

NameChange30 · 12/02/2016 09:57

They don't change, OP. I can understand why you're hoping he will. I'm guessing atm it feels like your only hope. But it's not going to happen. Even if it did, it wouldn't change what he's already done to you. That will never go away.

I think this book might be helpful to you in your current state of mind: Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft.

I also suggest you get some counselling for yourself.

You're staying for now but please consider the possibility that you'll change your mind in future, and start thinking about what you'd need to do.

And just to reiterate, this is the organisation you can contact (online or by phone) for professional support: www.1800respect.org.au

Good luck Flowers

Lweji · 12/02/2016 10:03

Why are you even letting him stay at the house if you don't trust him? Nor you should?

You know he will fail, or he'll just make sure you are truly asleep next time he does it or hide the cameras (if he hasn't yet).

He knows it's wrong, that you don't like it, and he's kept doing it. He'll just be more clever about it.

Lweji · 12/02/2016 10:03

In fact, perhaps you should set up a hidden camera to make sure he doesn't do it during the night.

But that is no way to live with someone.

EauPea · 12/02/2016 10:20

Lollyz your insistence on sharing a bed with him and setting yourself up as, in your own words bait, just goes to show that despite your earlier claims that he wouldn't touch the children, you must be very concerned that actually he would and if you were to sleep safely in another room, you would have no idea where he was or what he's doing.

I know you think what if he can change? Had you thought what if he only changes his victim?

Can you, hand on heart, say you are have done everything humanely possible to protect your dc's?
Still with him? Then the answer is NO.

Iamdobby63 · 12/02/2016 10:30

This is just a genuine question: Eaupea, do you believe if the OP left her husband that a court would deny him access to his children based on what he has done to the OP?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 12/02/2016 10:46

dobby I know your question wasn't aimed at me, but since you have a bee in your bonnet about this issue I'm going to answer it: yes, I think they would restrict access. Sexually abusive behaviour (not "creepy" behaviour, let's be clear) is a red flag. I think (and certainly hope) that visitation would be supervised, at the very least. Do you not think that would be wise?

Iamdobby63 · 12/02/2016 11:01

Darth, I don't have a 'bee in my bonnet' - I stated it was a genuine question there was no agenda to it. Good, now the OP will also have that information IF there was a chance she had chosen to stay out of believing that was the only way to have some control over him being around the children.

EauPea · 12/02/2016 11:46

Not if she "just" left him, no, probably not.

If she involved the police (I know she won't) I would like to believe he would have supervised access or at the very least, no over nights.

If she stays he has access to the sleeping children every night.

Lolly may have choosen to be "bait", but can she be sure that is enough to protect the children.

I know you said yours was a genuine question, but I wonder if Lolly might seize on that as a reason to stay put Sad

EauPea · 12/02/2016 11:48

Sorry slow typing there, cross posted with darth.