Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

You don't have to talk to your mum. If she's of the opinion that your place is always with your husband no matter what it might not help you. The last thing you need is another voice minimalising what he has done to you. A counsellor who specialises in domestic abuse is what you need and you need it quick, before you try to convince yourself further it wasn't that bad.

Minimalisation is his way of getting what he wants. It's also your way of dealing with it by trying to sweep it all away. It won't go away. You need to be kind to yourself and put yourself first.

your mum's reaction 7 years ago wasnt helpful.

Depending upon what happened 7 years ago you would imagine that a caring mother would at least allow you some credit that it must have been pretty upsetting to have driven across to her, given you some headspace, talked it through with you and not minimise or dismiss your feelings and needs.

Often people who were controlled or ignored as children can be vulnerable to slick abusers. Have a little read of this Australian research which demonstrates how an unsupportive childhood can make you vulnerable

I think it is very, very difficult to begin thinking of someone 's behaviour in a way that allows you, or requires you, to get angry about it.

Feeling angry, especially when it's about something as serious as this, is a horrible, horrible experience and very hard work. You have to go through it all over again in your head, while you cry, while you realise, mentally and physically, how much it hurts that someone did this to you, and how much you have lost because you thought you could trust them and have built your entire life around them.

You've got to grieve, essentially, and that's exceedingly painful

I can totally understand why sometimes women just do not want to go there. It's far easier to stay and pretend it's all OK, because that way you don't have to go through the grieving process, the fury, the anger and the horrible pain of it.

OP - I am so sorry you are in this position. Your husband no doubt has some very good points and you loved him when you got married, and you will still hae that residual attachment to him, no matter what he has done.

You don't have to change that, just yet. But please do realise that it is a very fine line between hanging on to your marriage as it was in your mind's eye, and suddenly realising that he has hurt you very, very badly, and that he is actually a threat to you now, even if he wasn't when you met him.

You have to get angry at some point. The longer you leave it, and stay in this denial state, the worse and the bigger it will be.

My advice is to get your ducks in a row, get some real life support if you possibly can (see your GP maybe?) and then let it start to come out.

Once it does it will propel you into getting away from him and sorting everything out.

Wow at some responses! Someone being a pervert in one regard does not make them a pedophile!

The OP has been married to this man for some time and wants to try and work on this serious issue in her marriage. It will either work or it won't but it's her life and her marriage.

My only advice is to make sure he sees through the promise of seeking counselling and don't just let him go through the motions until he thinks it's blown over. Stand your ground so he realises the severity of his actions and make him understand how much he has completely broken your trust.

I wish you all the best and hope it works out in whatever way is best for you.

Wow at some responses! Someone being a pervert in one regard does not make them a pedophile!

It doesn't NOT make them a pedophile either, but cheers for that helpful insight.

OP's husband is about control, abuse of a vulnerable person, and sexual assault. There is no guarantee whatsoever that he might not transfer those behaviours to the children if his access to OP is cut off, as he shares the aforementioned traits with pedophiles, and has already been shown to be ramping up his behaviour in search of more kicks. He has no regard for the OP or her wellbeing. What makes you so sure he has regard for his children?

What he is doing is illegal, a crime.

So lam you think the Op should allow her children to be the test subjects for your theory?

I think you need to say "if you do not stop abusing me in this horrible, unlawful way, and put in place steps to address why you do these vile things, I will leave you and take the children with me. I will not lie about why this happened if I'm asked".

The time for "having a chat" is long long gone op.

I hope you're ok. What a horrible thing to have happened to you

And you have to mean it

OP, I didn't leave him straight away either - but I did leave eventually, because what was being done to me sickened me, and I fell out of love with him because of that.

My advice would be to have some counselling on your own. It is true that counselling with someone who is abusing you is not advisable. You may or may not decide to leave now, or in the future - but what is undeniable is that he is abusing you. So if you do just one thing - get that counselling alone.

@Goodnightdarthvader1 If you read my earlier post you would realise that I do not need a lecture on controlling husbands. Perhaps you didn't find that very insightful either.

And @chippednailvarnish, I believe that the OP has had her eyes well and truly opened and will have already thought about her husband from all angles.

To me it's a big leap to go from filming your wife, being interested in threesomes to becoming a pedophile.

dobby I don't think you're taking in much on this thread. And no, I'm afraid I didn't find your post particularly insightful or groundbreaking.

And since the OP keeps asserting that her husband would "never do" this or that and that she "believes him" that he is sorry - this would be, what, the fifth time he was "sorry"? - I'm really surprised that you can be so confident that she is thinking about all angles.

And no, it's not a big leap from being sexually abusive to your wife and then sexually abusive to your child. It happens frequently, particularly in cases where the mother has left / died due to domestic violence / abuse and the husband transfers his sexual / abusive behaviour to the child left behind.

Darth, if you feel that way you are free to just scroll past.

The OP doesnt appear to be just forgiving and accepting of what has happened. It appears that she is aware they have a lot to work on.

And yes of course that can happen, however it doesn't automatically mean it's happening here, the OP has been shocked by what her husband has done and has had her eyes opened... So she will be looking for any other types of behaviour from him.

Have never known a father denied access to his children based on him being creepy in this type manner to his wife.

And no, it's not a big leap from being sexually abusive to your wife and then sexually abusive to your child. It happens frequently, particularly in cases where the mother has left / died due to domestic violence / abuse and the husband transfers his sexual / abusive behaviour to the child left behind.

Well said good.
Frankly lam your only input to this thread has been to minimise someone raping someone else. You can make all the excuses in the world about not all sexual abusers are paedophiles, bu

...but I bet you would leave your kids overnight with him.

Of course I wouldn't, he is a complete stranger.

And please don't put words in my mouth, recognising a difference in behaviour is not minimising rape.

being creepy

Yes, that's what going on here, "being creepy". Not sexual abuse, just "creepy". Yeah, ok. I'm recognising a difference in you "recognising a difference" and describing sexual abuse as "being creepy". THAT'S MINIMISING.

No, I'm not just going to "scroll past" when I see the OP given dangerously minimising advice, I'm going to challenge it. Welcome to the open internet, I hope you enjoy your stay.

I don't think squabbling among ourselves is very helpful for the OP - this is Relationships not AIBU.

So if he wasn't a stranger, just someone you know whos "a kind, highly intelligent, quiet man" who takes photos of himself sexually abusing his sleeping wife, you'd leave your kids with him?

lovely if people give dangerous "advice" I will challenge them.

I am sorry my choice of phrase didn't meet with your approval, however I don't disagree with you that this is a case of sexual abuse.

Don't mind being challenged in a reasonable manner but don't appreciate it when I am belittled in an attempt to shut me down. Reminds me of something.

Sorry op - you've already had lots of advice but I'm going to add my support that you must find the strength to leave this man. It must be very hard but you need to find anger and get away before more damage is done.

Hold up a minute.. Where on earth was my advice 'dangerous'? The OP has made her decision, we can't decide it for her, so working with her decision I advised that she saw it through and didn't let it go by the by. (Words to that effect)

I don't disagree with you that this is a case of sexual abuse.

Are you for fucking real?

dobby then try communicating clearly and not adding to the bullshit. This is someone's actual real life here, and if you're adding to the mindset that she so desperately wants to believe - that he's just a bit "creepy" but is a really kind and lovely man and not an abuser and that he can be "cured" by some therapy - then you're in danger of helping her minimise, which puts both her and her children at risk.

@Thomas, I am indeed.

@Darth I will try.

I am very aware this is an actual real life here, I'm also realistic that it's very easy for us to tell the OP what she should do and what we 'think' we would do, however, we are not in her shoes and we haven't spent 11 years married to this man. Has he sexually abused her? Yes. Has he grossly abused her trust? Yes.

I don't know if the therapy will work and even if their marriage will work, for her sake I hope it is the right decision, but it is a decision she can change her mind on whenever she wants/needs to.