Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

Why the hell are you doing this to yourself and your kids?

Thoughts? This should be your final straw!!

Just seen your update today. Do you have anything else in your life OP or are you isolated? Any friends?

It's naive to think this is a good idea to stay. He will carry on doing it, probably has the whole year since you started the thread. You are naive to think he has deleted the images entirely. Also entirely believable he shared them online reassuring himself that it is anonymously so why not.

Doesn't matter if people on this thread get angry or disappointed or whatever, it's your life ultimately! But think of what you'd tell a friend or God forbid your daughter if she we in an identical situation. Don't think you'd be impressed if she stayed.

Lolly, I have read your update, there are a lot of 'I's', in it. It is time for you to wake up, and realise, it isn't all about you. You cannot be sure that your precious daughters are not being affected, or indeed, as they mature, his next target. Very harsh words, but you need to hear them. Please leave.

Just read your update

Well done for being a brilliant role model to your daughters and showing them it's perfectly normal to be treated like this

I actually don't care now if I'm being harsh, because it's only going to get worse

Good luck to you OP and your children :(

He has Friday off work so we are hoping to book in to see someone that day while the kids are at school.

DO NOT see a therapist/counsellor with your abuser. See one by yourself.

Agree with above poster. See a different counsellor. I really hope you find the strength to leave him.

Lolly You do not feel love for this man, you feel dependency - emotional and financial.

Dependency means few choices. However you still have one big choice - LEAVE.

Please do not delude yourself he loves you. For him your functions are housekeeper, nanny, sex toy. In his eyes you have no needs or feelings. He only cares about alleviating his 'problem' by helping himself to your body without consent. Let's hope he isn't using your daughters aswell.

Very disappointed to read you've decided to stay with your sex offender husband. Harsh words but that's what he is. He is a sex offender. If he was reported to the police he would absolutely be arrested for what he's done to you.

Why are you subjecting your daughters to living with such a person? You do know if he was arrested or word got out as to what he's doing to you that social services would be involved, yes?

Hang on hang on. I don't like the way everyone is assuming he has/will touch my children. I know my family. I know my children. He has not gone near them. Please stop with that talk.
Yes what he has done to me is bad. But he is doing it to me, not them. Please.

Oh dear, it doesn't make me angry OP, it makes me really sad though.

I'm hoping you get counselling (alone, any counsellor worth their salt won't continue when they know of the problem will they?)

And manage to leave one day, MN will always be here to listen, please don't feel you can't come back.

Good luck

The problem is

1. DH does not respect others' boundaries of acceptable behaviour
2. You have no idea what he is doing all the times you do not wake up
3. Please be aware onset of puberty can be a trigger for abusive behaviour

Would you consider counselling without him being present?.

Unfortunately he is in turn abusing his children primarily because he is abusing you as their mother. You have been groomed by this individual for some considerable time and you continue to be groomed by him. You were also targeted by him. Abusers as well are not nasty all the time either; they can also appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world.

The man you thought you know is a mirage, you do not know him at all really. He however, knows you more than you know your own self and he has exploited those vulnerabilities to abuse you. He has taken your trust and trampled all over it.

What do you want to teach them about relationships here?. I would also agree with MiscelleneousAssortment that your own upbringing and family relationships that have left you vulnerable to being abused by your partner. This poster is also correct in stating you need help to get some insight on what's going on in your head and why you consistently fail to protect yourself or put your needs first in any way. Her comment, "Until you work out that you are worth protecting and that sacrificing your own most basic of human needs for the sake of a group of 'others' is not acceptable or a healthy way to live, you'll never leave him" is also worth repeating.

I also think you are confusing love here with co-dependency which makes me wonder who taught you to be co-dependent. It was likely one of your parents.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?

But surely you can see that by doing it to you he is creating an environment where they are learning it is normal for men to treat women like this.

And what happens if he decides to post those photos and they ask for others of your daughters.

You know what he is doing to you is bad

Jesus, this makes me feel sick. No doubt he's posted these pictures online.

Angry? No, sad and in disbelief that you are that much in denial.

You went one night and then missed him, ffs, missing him videoing you for other's viewing pleasure? I think you need more help than him OP, you are completely nuts if you think this is normal or that he loves you; he's a fucken monster but you carry on and make your kids as bad as yourself.

Oh dear, this is all a bit grim isn't it? How do you ever sleep at night? I bet you spend every evening trying to stay awake until he sleeps. I bet every movement he makes in bed wakes you up. You must be living on your nerves. I feel so sorry that you are experiencing this. I'm not a psychologist but I suggest your dh likely needs some significant treatment from one. Can you accept this as the path of the rest of your life? Are you happy to accept a sex life that only involves you asleep? Being sexually attracted to a non-consenting, non-responsive unconscious person is very close to Tactile necrophilia. Take a look at some of the people who have this condition, you will find them without a problem on google. Very disturbing and very sad for you. I won't tell you what to do that is not my place, but this situation can't continue can it? For the sake of your mental health decide what you want.

Joint counselling, when he's been sexually abusing you, good luck finding someone willing to take that on, Jesus, you actually want to go and hold his hand.

Bloody hell OP.

GET OUT!!!!!!!!! Please....

What is it going to take for you to leave? He's a sick, disgusting RAPIST and you desperately want to go back to him. He knows he has you no matter what he does. You've shown him that.

Why do you even bother asking advice?
You are clearly set on staying with this abuser and putting your children in danger, what did you expect people to say?

Op, you are getting such a hard time on here when you need support, it takes many woman many attempts to leave an emotionally abusive relationship but do keep thinking about it and plan for it so that you can make that break one day.