Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

Agree with above, unbelievable, he should be locked up.

I hope you packed that suitcase for him OP. There's no time like the present. And tell his parents why you've thrown him out. He's not going to change. He doesn't respect or love you. And call the police. He's been sexually abusing you. Don't let him get away with it.

OP, if a man beats his wife and she then divorces him, who is responsible for the broken marriage? The violent husband or the woman who takes the decision to go for a divorce?

I ask because it seems to me that you are reluctant to take steps to end this vile situation because you feel that if you do you will be to blame for the divorce and the massive family fallout that will ensue.

In my mind, you and my hypothetical victim of DV are in exactly the same position. It's your DH who has caused the sequence of crises your marriage is going through. He has broken your marriage. Not you. You're simply protecting yourself from him.

If you do split you're probably best not to tell anyone in the family precisely what's gone on. Just say it's extremely personal. And intolerable.

OP pull yourself together and get away from this man.

NOW.

Get angry. He is violating you and has been for years. HE WONT CHANGE.

Please, please get out while you can.

You said that if he did it again you would leave.

You now need to leave, otherwise he knows it's an empty threat and he will continue sexually abusing you.

Oh god, this has made me feel ill. What a creepy, sick, twisted, perverted excuse of a human being.

OP you know you need to leave this man and so you don't get told to 'work on your marriage', by well meaning familiy, make sure you TELL people why you are leaving.

The disgusting shame and embarrassment and of what he has done is HIS, not yours.

He is behaving like a toddler, having his naughty fun.
You are saying "no, no, that's naughty, don't do that please" and letting him get away with it anyway.
Sorry if this sounds like victim blaming (I hate this) but you can't sit there complaining and not take any action.
Stop giving him all the power and waiting for him to change.
HE WILL NEVER STOP.
He has no reason to as he knows you'll put up with it.
Get some self respect and get out, and take your poor innocent child with you before his sick fantasies start manifesting into other things.

The man is a sexual abuser and needs reporting to the Police and charged, nothing else needs discussed.

Fgs will you stop with the derailing?

I remember this thread from last year.

The only way this is ever going to end is with you kicking him out for good. He should be in jail for what he's done to you. Please leave him and report him, you don't know what he's doing those pics and videos of you, it's a thing people get off on .

He won't stop because he doesn't respect you and if he doesn't respect you he doesn't love you.

I don't think he's ever loved you tbh. You would never do this to someone you love. So stay with him OP but know the truth that he doesn't love you.

OP When thinking about something before we do it, we all feel like this big thing is going to be impossible, if it is something we have never done before and don't really want to do. But in reality, the doing of it turns out to not be as difficult as we thought it would be, and actually turns out to be very possible. You could make an appointment with the GP and practice what you NEED to say to him/her in front of a mirror, or just silently in your head even, and help prepare yourself to say it out loud to a person. Or practice with a friend, even on the phone. You really do need to do something here, and putting it off is only making HIM think what he is doing is OK or that you aren't that bothered by it. Several posters have given you tips for how to open a conversation with your GP or with Women's Aid that they would probably understand, and then they could start asking you questions that help you say what is going on. It is definitely possible. Scary, Yes. But doable, and probably not as bad as you think it will be.

Is there a chance the reason his brother is separated is the same as the reason you need to get away from your h?

Were these boys themselves abused?

You need outside help love, seriously

Make a call today, if nothing else please talk to your doctor

I've never wanted to kick a stranger HARD in the balls more that this guy. I'm apoplectic with rage on our behalf. The practical barriers to leaving can be overcome, the continued abuse cannot. And you can bet your life on the fact they've been uploaded to some website too. Please don't be ashamed either - this is something HE has done. Speak to your GP, women's aid, your family if you feel able to. Go to the CAB for money advice. If or when you feel able, report him to the police. There is help out there - and you CAN get out.

I know you must be terribly conflicted - the day time nice-guy great dad that you have known and loved is so at odds with this midnight rapist of the worse kind - I get it (really, from experience, I get it). But you can't go on like this. Get your ducks in a row ASAP, and in the meantime, if you can't / aren't ready to fuck him off, kick him the fuck out of your bedroom and get a bolt put on. And please please be careful when your leaving - he's been violent. Please do speak to women's aid at a minimum.

Uncharacteristic hugs for you - lean on people, lean on mn. Xxx

It is always hard to leave, because the practical considerations seem unsurmountable. But many have done so very successfully. Get advice; take it a step at a time and you will get there.

You cannot have this man in the house with your children. He may not be a paedophile and you may feel that your children are safe from unwanted sexual activity but they are sharing their home with and begin brought up by someone who is a moral vacuum. This is NOT good.

Get some proper advice from CAB or similar. You can't worry about anyone else. This is in no way a reflection on you.

Something I would do is when he is out see if you can find any of the photos on the camera or pc and stash some copies. You will be asleep in them so it's good to have them as it's proof of his behaviour. You don't have to show anyone but it would be good to have (assuming they have your face on) You may be able to crop some to show shoulders and face etc if you needed to. Take back the control he has over you.

Counsellors can't give advice like telling you to leave him. That's not their job. Their job is to facilitate you airing your thoughts and experiences and finding a way forward.

As others have said: this is sexual abuse, he's violating your body without your consent. If you love and trust him not to do this again (despite him saying that countless times in the past and still doing it) then by all means give him another chance. But with all due respect you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't respect you enough to a) not use your body without your consent l, b) continue doing it when you've asked him not to

If he does it again you really need to rethink whether he's the man you want and whether he's the man you really think he is

I trust you will do the same to him and let him know you will send them to a few gay sites????

I'm sorry but if you don't consent - this isn't 'fun' or harmless and he's not being nice. This is a fetish and without your consent that makes it illegal assault.

Thread after thread like this is just women putting up with beyond substandard treatment off men and then coming on here to try to minimilise / get reassurance that it's not that bad . This isn't even a dig at you op I spent a decade in equally shite /abusive ( Ea , physical, sexual) relationships . We are almost groomed into accepting shit like this Because he's "otherwise a lovely man " he's not . He's fucking not . There are lovely men who also arent sexually abusive .

Luckily after years of Shite I now recognise the entitled misognistic pricks from the decent ones and more importantly I know my self worth. he is abusing you . If you read this in the news you would think the same . But you love him so you minimise . Don't .

As I say I'm not slating you , you are blinded by "love" so take the collective advice of those on this thread and I guarantee 2 years from now you will wonder why you stayed

'Pull yourself together' is a very hard thing to do when you're being abused and have been ground down enough to believe all the responsibility for his actions are yours.

It can be pretty damn impossible in fact. And certainly doesn't help when people tell you do pull yourself together like it's your failure because you can't.

Op, I know it's said a lot on mumsnet but I really really think that counselling for you alone (and probably in secret given the circumstances) would really help. From the way you wrote I think that there are deeper reasons from your own upbringing and family relationships that have left you vulnerable to being abused by your partner. You need help to get some insight on what's going on in your head and why you consistently fail to protect yourself or put your needs first in any way. Until you work out that you are worth protecting and that sacrificing your own most basic of human needs for the sake of a group of 'others' is not acceptable or a healthy way to live, you'll never leave him.

Qjestion your beliefs: These others that will be so utterly broken and devastated by you 'single handedly' (?!) breaking up your family that they somehow will demand you live in perpetual hell until you die... who are these 'others'? And why do they hate you so much that their own feelings about a relationship that they are not even in, must come before your basic needs to be safe and unviolated by an abuser?

If that's really true then it's your own family that have taught you that you are so worthless you should let yourself be abused. And in that case, are they the best people to listen to?

Hope you are going to take the brilliant advice given on here. Yes it is difficult and daunting but none of this is your fault. He knows he's done wrong and continues to do it. It honestly won't be as difficult as you think. Lots of us have done it and in the end have been a lot better off in the long run. Best wishes

Thank you so much for everyone's support and guidance. More than ever that is what I need. I ended up leaving that night but returning cause I am so incredibly weak. I missed him. Actually missed him. I told him we need to go speak to someone. He has Friday off work so we are hoping to book in to see someone that day while the kids are at school.

I wish I could tell you all I have followed your advice and left (like I swore I would do last time) but I just can't. For whatever reason, I just want to be with him and know I tried everything. This may make a few of you angry. I'm sorry.

"Nice" men DO NOT video or take sexually explicit images of their partner against their will. Stop making excuses for his absolutely abominable behaviour. THIS IS NOT NORMAL AND IT IS NOT OK.

You know Lolly I have thought about you once in awhile.
And knew it would take a bit for you to see though it all.
What would it take for you now to leave this man and speak to someone who can help you leave.
You must know someone you can trust.
Have you rang any helpline just to talk about it.
What are you doing with yourself each day to move beyond this huge issue within your children and your life.
What I am saying is "What are you afraid of that you just pack a bag and go."
You are being sexually abused and you are laying in silence each night still testing the waters of your relationship with this man.
I know in your country you will be well supported if you leave. You only have to make contact and you will get help.
You do not love the man you fear him and are afraid of your true feelings.
No amount of any counseling will stick a plaster on this again.
You are done but letting fear stand in your way.
I hope you can find someone now who can guide you to leaving him before more damage is done to you or your children.
I do not say this lightly but please speak to someone and leave for your own sake.