Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

Sorry, that quote was from here - en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedophilia

So paedophiles will abuse children, but so will opportunistic non-paedophiles who are driven purely by the infliction of abuse.

How can you be sure he isn't touching up your DC or videoing them when they and you are asleep?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Leaving is hard but you can do it. You don't need permission to leave. If you want permission and encouragement you will find it here from MNetters.

I have a sense of why you might not want to leave. I believe it has something to do with worth. It is also why I struggled to leave my spouse. You feel like you can just deal with it, it isn't that bad etc. When you look at it in the grand scheme of things it doesn't seem worthy of such a fuss or even a reaction. You have kind of accepted how things are and cannot understand the outrage, anger etc. You can from the understanding that it's wrong but you can rationalise it, and it becomes barenable. Sometimes easier than the alternative.

Leaving means breaking up the family etc.. that's how we think anyway. So we resign ourselves to life as it is. It also feels like you near the weight of the choice of leaving. You feel if you just put up with it. I guess shut up and put up. Everyone's including your own life will be easier, better. Plus change is never easy.

Let me say something else
What if you put the focus on your children? Does everything that is happening effect your mood, your happiness and your ability to be yourself. You chance to just Relax and be free. Are you always on green. Always smiling, playing happy family's but some part of you is dying. Probably that part that wants to say
I don't want this, why won't you stop, leave me alone please etc.
Your children have or will notice. They will notice you are not happy, they will wonder why mum can't do this or doesn't want to do that? They will question everything because everything looks normal but feels wrong.
We are taught as children not to keep secrets because they are not for us to keep.
What if there is a part of you that wants to live happy, no more waiting for the knife to drop, no building yourself up so your ready the next tune. I don't know if you still cry but no more silent tears in your pillow.

Your life can be oh so much better than this... being free is so tasty, so satisfying you will wonder what you were so afraid of. You will remember your worth.

As afraid Christian I believe I am already loved, cared for etc and I finally get that u don't need the validation of a man or a relationship to know how special or powerful or amazing I am.
First of all I am a woman do you know how amazing we are? Secondly I am a mother what a miracle that is (men are a part ofor that too...which is just as cool) and my children are wonderful proof that I might be okay at this. Thirdly I am beautiful, strong, funny, determined and genervous and I deserve someone who appreciate this.

I want to ask you who are you? You know we have to put our needs first sometimes so we can be the best mums we can be. I know it can be hard. Why is your safety not important? Does love mean sacrifice to you?
Where is your straw? Make a plan for when it breaks. Remember your strength is there. You just haven't needed to use it until now

Stop derailing the thread with theorising rather than helping the OP with what he actually IS doing.

I think we all agree this man must leave the house.

I'm so sorry that you still have to live with this.
He is clearly choosing to continue this behaviour. He won't stop. He might choose not to do it for a few months but it won't stop happening.
You need to decide if this is how you want the rest of your life to go.

Bluntness

I won't derail any further, after this post, but it is important to clarify that paedophila is a primary or exclusive attraction to pre-pubescent children. That is the medical definition of it. Dispute it all you like, but you're wrong.
And you're making the same mistake my mother did, which ended up in me being sexually abused by my father figure for a year, with your claim that "only paedophiles sexually abuse children."
That's as bullshit a claim as saying "rapists would rape ugly women," and it's dangerous, and insulting to the victims. Please stop giving the OP a false sense of security.

Ugh, wouldn't rape ugly women.

Lolly, I have read the full thread, just now.
You are no longer coping with this situation.
You are aware, and have realised, that it isn't going to change.
Your husband is slowly becoming more abusive.
You are unwittingly allowing him to do so, by keeping his dirty secret.
My heart goes out to you, but it's time to be strong.
Time to get real, and get your ducks in a row. Just start the process, that's all you need to do, and get this out in the open.
We are all here for you, there are some very knowledgeable people on here, all willing to support you 24/7.
You and your DDs, deserve, and can have, so very much more. 💐

Lollyz - those are only the times you have woken. He's not going to stop.
This is what you wrote upthread;
Also if he is to do it again, I can confidently leave knowing he knows how much I hate it.
You have already given yourself permission to leave.
You will cope, your family will cope, things will get better.

You need to tell him to leave, or leave yourself

He hasn't stopped and wont,but where does it go from there? What will he move onto next?

And I'm sorry but no fucking way would I not leave someone doing this to me in fear of my family being upset! Don't use that as an excuse to let it continue!

I read this last year and my thoughts haven't changed, as someone put further up thread, your Husband should be your safe place.

My DH can sex pest sometimes but this another thing all together. He is not going to change, he will try to "behave" and ultimately revert to this behaviour. Is separate bedrooms an option?

I thought I would do some research report financial help available in Au. What part of Au. Are you in? I'll see if I can find a dv agency there for you to talk to.
Here is what I found. Obviously if you look at this yourself it will probably be more relevant and helpful or Google it.they may have better results.

www.centrelink.gov.au/custsite_pfe/pymtfinderest/paymentFinderEstimatorPage.jsf?wec-appid=pymtfinderest&wec-locale=en_US

How do you know he has never drugged you OP? I would have left waaay before now but in the event I decided to stay, I would be putting up cameras everywhere because you are sleeping with the enemy.

My husband used to do this to me. It never stopped until I left.

The upset it could cause your families is on him not you.

You know he is not going to stop now. Because abusing you while you sleep is a power trip for him. You may not feel you can leave now, but at the very least you should take some interim measures (like kicking him out of your bed) and make an exit plan. If you don't work, this should be first order of business. Your own money means independence. Set up a savings account - keep it private - and squirrel away as much as you can.

Would your parents take you in?

Misamphetamine So have I got this right because I want to check I've understood correctly what you're saying rather than assume. Are you saying it's the case that your father figure was allowed to continue abusing you even after you reported it because your mother thought 'paedophiles only abuse children' and clearly your mother thought you were old enough that it didn't count, this man couldn't be a paedophile.

Technically that may be correct as you very rightly point out but clearly your mother was using that/hanging onto that definition as a means of refusing to acknowledge that you were being abused so she didn't have to deal with it. I can't really comment on that or understand why or how that precise definition did or didn't affect what action she did or didn't take I'm just sorry that you didn't get the help that you needed to stop it happening. It's truly awful.

In your case I'm assuming you were in or approaching puberty and hence your abuser would, technically, have been a hebephile. Regardless, it's all awful whenever anyone abuses anyone in any way, of any age.

In the case of the OP I'm not sure of the ages of her children but whether pre-pubescent or pubsecent I honestly don't think it matters. She's an adult and she's being sexually assaulted/abused and I think it is quite common (albeit not correct) to call people like this paedophiles because it all amounts to the same thing. Some sick adult bastard sexually abusing a child of one or another age.

But I get your precision on this and how it related to what happened to you.

Even if these children aren't being sexually abused by this man, I cannot believe and will not believe that they aren't being affected in other ways. I've lost count of the number of times people say 'it's not affecting the children he's a great dad, he only abuses me' and yet there will be financial control, probably mum feels depressed and low, tension in the household, observed behaviours that are subtly but importantly negative to the mother and seen by the children. I'm sure these children ARE experiencing some negatives in several of these areas already - sexual abuse of them would just be another step.

Sadly it seems OP is willing to risk that happening or have it happen before enough lines have been crossed for her to take action to protect them and herself.

I should have added on to my long post that maybe you think breaking up your 11 yr marriage over this is not a strong enough reason. I have seen a pattern where abuse happens but it takes a partner cheating like in my chase for them to be asked to leave.

Let me assure you that even if others don't agree in your family being sexually violated is a big enough reason to leave. If my husband abusive mind games are enough for me to leave then trust me. Your reasons tick a hundred boxes more.

Finances, fear of the unknown, concern of making mistakes I get it.
You don't need to wait for him to do something worse before you leave. If you don't leave now you will just end up accepting his way is normal.

We don't want that for you. We understand how scary it is but maybe you can trust us to support you.

What do you need to leave? Some people have been in exactly yours shoes. They just don't you to suffer longer than necessary.

Think of this phase

Don't learn from your mistakes learn from mine.

HtH

I keep writing as well.as others hoping our words will rescue you. I just pray they do. Maybe in a few months we will get a new update.

You will be in my thoughts and I'll keep an eye on this thread.

No, Pollyanna, my mother assumed that as her alcoholic, unstable, abusive husband was not a paedophile, her children would be safe. But my point is that an abuser doesn't have to have a sexual attraction to children to abuse them sexually. Just as rapists will rape ugly/elderly women they are not attracted to.
Totally agree with the rest of your post, however. OP is in an untenable situation, which won't ever improve - it will only escalate. Leaving is shite, and terrifying, but once it's over and done with, you'll end up wondering why you stayed so long, OP. Absolutely get all your ducks in a row before you do, but do not assume you know anything about him anymore, and keep yourself and your children safe

OP when will enough be enough? When he drugs you? Rapes you? Beats you? Please don't refer to your husband's abuse of you as "relapses". He's not an ill man needing support, he's a sexual abuser who thinks he owns you.

Ah, I get you.

I don't agree with you on the second sentence of your first paragraph though - whether drunk, violent or barmy, if you conduct sexual manouvres on a child whether your drunk sober or mentally ill, it is still sexual abuse. I'm not sure why whether they are 'attracted' to them or not matters? If you touch someone sexually against their will and they're a child and you're an adult, it's either paedophilia or hebephilia? What it means to the abuser/what motivated the abuse by the abuser isn't important surely, the child will experience it as sexual abuse? Anyway, pedantics probably and something to discuss on a another thread so we don't sidetrack the thread.

Totally agree with the latter part of your last post. There will never be any improvement and she should start planning to get out. I really hope she does.

Missamphetamine, I'm really sorry for what you went through, and I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed, but I will maintain anyone who sexually abuses a child is a paedophile (or hebaphile, unsure of the ops kids ages), irrelevant of what your mother maintained he was or was not. And the law agrees with me.💐

And I can't help but agree with you Bluntness.

How do you know he hasn't taken photos or videos while you've been asleep again?

He said he deleted the last lot. I work in forensics. There is no such thing as delete unless he knows how to overwrite specific clusters with 1s and 0s, which I doubt. I would get in touch with the police and put a restraining order against him as well as a judgment not to release any forms of media of you online/any form of data transfer.