Husband photographing me while asleep

[Lollyz02]

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

There isn't one Pipsqueak as you so rightly point out - it's part of the manipulation. If you were an actual c*nt the entire time then all the partners would leave. But these clever bastards use the 'I'm nice 90% of the time' as part of their manipulation techniques don't they (I know you know this of course hence your post!!).

Honestly, aside from being utterly vile these people are very very very clever. Very clever, very devious.

Jesus H lolly fuck the fall out, you cannot spend a life being sexually abused, because others will be upset.

You've no money, well, get him to leave, look into any benefits (not sure how Oz works) go to your parents, ANYTHING, just get this pervert out of your life, or this will be your life, forever more

sorry second post last line this is so shitty for you op, you really are better off on your own, nobody needs this in their lives.

My only thought is that you are married to a dirty, pervert abuser. You know this but you choose to stay with him.

What is it you actually want to hear?

OP It's time to be selfish and get out for you and your children. It doesn't matter how much this will hurt your family or his, this is about you. I'm sure your family would rather you weren't being abused than with someone who can treat their wife and woman they supposedly love with such disregard and lack of respect. Please leave him. Just imagine for a second that one of your DC in the further said that their spouse was doing this to them. What would your advice be? I'm certain it wouldn't be to stay with them. You have given this a good chance, longer than most women would and he has done it again. Plus his excuse sounds like just that, an excuse. Why not wake you first and then see if you wanted him to be intimate with you. You know what you have to do, now it's time to be brave and so it.

Think of it another way OP. If it was one of your kids instead of you who he was doing this to, would you care about the fallout?

Why are you less important?

Lolly have you called Lifeline yet?

Have you come out with "I am being VIOLATED" at any time?

He cannot or will not stop, You are just a "hole"

There is no guarantee he hasn't already been touching the children.

There is no guarantee he hasn't already been touching the children.

Firstly, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. None of it is your fault and I'm not going to shout at you or lecture you.

I think you know that you need to leave,or get him to. Would it seem less overwhelming to break that down into smaller parts? First, speak to a lawyer and find out about child support, then get advice about housing. Get support from your family (obviously your kids never need to find out what has gone on, but you could tell your parents so they could help you). You don't need me to write you a list, but broken down into smaller parts it might seem less daunting and easier to tackle.
Once you've spoken to a lawyer it might well turn out that you are in a stronger position than you think.

he gets off on touching other peoples parts when the sleep,
He is probably posting his videos on line
He is into porn

I don't know what more anyone can possibly say to you OP.

You found out he was touching and taking photos of you whilst you slept. You were upset, you told him to stop, he was apologetic.

It happened again.

Then he filmed you having sex without your consent. You were upset, you told him to stop, he was apologetic.

It happened again.

You arranged counselling, off you went, the frequency of him doing things without your consent diminished slightly but it carried on happening.

He was told he had a sense of entitlement over you. You threatened to leave. He was upset and apologetic...but it carried on happening.

He then shoved you against a wall and left bruising on your arms.

Reading this list, does any of it strike you as the behaviour of a 'nice' man? NO. He is an abusive pervert who cannot control himself. He has no respect for you, he has ignored your feelings, ignored the fact that you DON'T consent to any of this...AND CARRIED ON DOING IT.

He won't stop.

It won't get better.

I remember the original post and I'm horrified to see that you're still with this fucking creep. My skin is crawling reading this thread.

You are kidding yourself - he is an abuser and HE WILL NOT CHANGE. I'm baffled that you are still with him instead of phoning the police! He has repeatedly abused you!

There is no guarantee he hasn't already been touching the children.

He's not a nice guy, he's just pretending to be. He won't stop. Does him assaulting you fit the picture of who you thought he was? How well do you really know him? He's presenting a false version of himself to the world and you are dealing with his real character.

People think he's nice because he's good at pretending. He's actually a rapist.

Counselling didn't help. Promises didn't help. Don't continue to allow him near your children.

Bluntness

A man doesn't actually have to be a paedophile to sexually abuse children.
Many sexual abusers get off on the power, control, and violation off another human being, and their sex and age do not matter. Op's husband appears to be the sort of sexual abuser who indeed does it for the thrill of violation, and abuse.
If he can't do it to OP, he may well be doing it to their children. And there is no guarantee OP would know, even if the children are old enough to be verbal, or even in their early teens. When a parent sexually abuses a child, the instinct to keep it a secret is generally very strong.
Please leave, OP. Please. If not for your own sake, then for your children's. You need to get out, and make sure he never has them unsupervised. You cannot trust him to protect them, you cannot trust him to not sexually abuse them.
My mother trusted my stepfather, who had been a father figure to me since I was five.
She shouldn't have.

Hey lolly

I wrote a longer post but lost it somehow but 2nd try.

I know it can be hard to leave and sometimes we fear we will make a bad decision so end up stuck.

So here goes

If you decide to leave your husband because has sexually violated you against your will or has been physically intimidating. You are making the right decision. Sometimes we just need validation of a difficult choice.

I am a Christian so I had some conflict in my own situation but my church has been super supportive and are helping me move on.

Let me paint you a picture...

After a long day running after the children, there all tucked up in bed. You run yourself a hot bath, maybe relax for an 1 hr. After that dry yourself so in your room and slip into bed and sleep. You wake up the next morning refreshed and happy to greet you kids and playing once again.

What is missing? The part where you are sleeping with your eyes wide open. On edge even when nothing has happened. It's time to feel safe again.

In regards to your children.

We hate the concept that our Beautiful innocent, kind and loving children could ever be exposed or tainted by evil. It's unfathomable really and we would rather believe In absolutes than possibilities when it comes to abuse or harm of children.

Sometimes situations or people give us no choice but to consider whether our children are at risk of harm. It wouldn't be your fault but if your guts makes you act in a way that is protecting of your children. If you have even a slight niggle that something is up. Follow it. It will help you gain strength to leave.

Use other reasons to leave if facing the abuse is hard. Does he snore etc. I found when I used the fact I thought he was cheating as my reason for leaving. I could get out and after faced concerns about my abuse etc. X

You will be making the right choice to live without fear in your bedroom. You will have us each step of your journey x

Don't worry about where your streneth will come from us women are pretty resilient just take the step. X x

A man doesn't actually have to be a paedophile to sexually abuse children. Missamphetamine

Say WHAT?!

He's a FUCKING bastard!

What if one of your friends said this to you? Or your daughter(if you have one)?

He's abusive. He's intelligent but not intelligent enough as he doesn't want to.

I don't throw out leave the bastard easily but in this case leave him! It's no better than rape.

How do I do this... I have no money.

Good question. How you do this is you start thinking practically.

1. You understand now he is not going to change. Good, that's huge progress, well done. It's can be so hard to get your head round the fact that the person you have lived for all these years isn't in fact who you thought they are, but it's the essential first step to a decent life.

1. Stop thinking of reasons why not. There are two kinds of barriers to you leaving. One kind are practical, within your control and things you can overcome. We can help you think through solutions to these. (Example - having no money. This limits options but doesn't make leaving impossible). The other kind are beyond your control eg family being unhappy. It's unfortunate but it's not something you can solve, so no point wasting too much energy thinking about it. Sacrificing yourself and your DC's future happiness and safety is NOT a solution. You need to work on recognising these barriers - you are putting then up and they are stopping you from acting.

1. Focus on the practical. You need to make a plan to leave. What are the practical things you need to do to achieve that?

1. Know your rights. In the UK family lawyers often offer a free introductory interview. Do they do the same there? Go and see a solicitor and find out where you stand. Also ring that hotline.

1. Ask for and accept help. Don't cover for your DH. Go speak to that friend again and tell her it's happening again. This us really important IMO. When I was trying to get away from my abusive ex, when I finally admitted what was going on to friends or was like I'd broken his spell. Some if the control he had vanished.

for you schrute. This isn't easy but you can do it. You have to, the alternative is horrifying.

Gah! My phone has changed it to or, is to us, and of to if.

I hope it makes sense!

A man doesn't actually have to be a paedophile to sexually abuse children.

Pollyanna

Sexual abuse and rape are often inflicted upon victims the perpetrator is not sexually attracted to. For example, heterosexual men who rape other men to dominate, humiliate, and violate them, men who rape elderly women because they get off on the violation they are inflicting, and men who abuse children because they get off on the power and violation and children are easy victims.

Whereas paedophilia is being sexually attracted to pre-pubescent children.

So paedophiles will abuse children, but so will opportunistic non-paedophiles who are driven purely by the infliction of abuse.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

He thinks about this before he does it, he checks that you're asleep, plans it all. There will be nights when he thinks about it and doesn't go through with it. He thinks you belong to him and his desires are more important than you, who he regularly dehumanises. It won't get better.

He isn't sorry, he just wants to be able to carry on. He's sexually assaulting you repeatedly.

You must leave or you'll lose yourself completely.

Bluntness
It's a popular misconception, but actually:
"In popular usage, the word pedophilia is often applied to any sexual interest in children or the act of child sexual abuse.[5][6] This use conflates the sexual attraction to prepubescent children with the act of child sexual abuse, and fails to distinguish between attraction to prepubescent and pubescent or post-pubescent minors.[7][8] Researchers recommend that these imprecise uses be avoided because although people who commit child sexual abuse sometimes exhibit the disorder,[6][9] child sexual abuse offenders are not pedophiles unless they have a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children"
I'm informed on this, because while my stepfather sexually abused me, a child, he was in fact not a paedophile. Just an opportunistic alcoholic abuser.