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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband photographing me while asleep

574 replies

Lollyz02 · 10/02/2016 09:41

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollyz02 · 20/01/2017 05:23

Well a long time has past and we are still together. I still love him. On New Years Eve we promised each other that 2017 would be a better year. Then he went out and got drunk and came home and touched me again in my sleep. We were away on holidays and we still had 2 weeks left so I tried to suppress it for the sake of our family vacation. He knew I was angry. He was very apologetic and said it was the alcohol and he was more trying to wake me for sex rather than touch me in my sleep..... thoughts???

OP posts:
billabye · 20/01/2017 05:45

You should have left him 10 months ago

Secretlife0fbees · 20/01/2017 06:20

Omg OP I have just read this all for the first time. I actually feel disturbed by your husbands behaviour. You are so used to it that you are normalising it. Honestly, if that were me I would be reporting him to the police and I wouldn't have him anywhere near my children... we all do the normalising thing in our own ways, I know that, which is why we stay in situations unfathomable to others. But honestly this is scary and really really concerning you need to get away from him. I hope you are ok Flowers

SparklyMagpie · 20/01/2017 06:37

Jesus OP! I've just read this thread and I can't believe you have come back and asked what our " thoughts " are, didn't you say months ago, if he touched you one more time you'd be done? So why are you asking? You need to leave

GoldenWorld · 20/01/2017 06:41

He's sexually assaulting you and I don't think he'll ever change. Alcohol is n excuse whatsoever. I'm really sorry but it's extremely creepy, predatory behaviour.

bloodymaria · 20/01/2017 06:41

Thoughts? He's not going to change. Make your decision based on that fact.

LazySusan11 · 20/01/2017 06:51

His urges matter more to him than you, his wife and mother of his children. He knows you haven't consented yet his wants still matter more than you. He continually abuses you and you for whatever reason accept it.

You know this isn't right, I'm sorry op this isn't love. Someone who loves you, really loves you doesn't do this to you. You might love him but he doesn't love you. A tough pill to swallow but imagine if this were your daughter you'd be saying the same thing.

Sleep in separate beds and find the courage to leave. This won't change, he doesn't want to. Flowers

ChuckSnowballs · 20/01/2017 06:53

As I said, it was a wonder he ever got to sleep chuckling away to himself about how gullible you have been.

OP it is your decision to make. But what does he have to do to cross your line of no return? Do you have a line of no return?

picklemepopcorn · 20/01/2017 06:54

So sad for you. You must be so disappointed.

Has it clarified things though? You know what to do, right?

Ehlana · 20/01/2017 07:00

You've been told what you need to do. He's been assaulting you sexually and physically. You need to leave.

Where are your boundaries? Your self respect? Do you hate yourself so much? Your children aren't stupid, they have an incredible ability to pick up on any tension, regardless how trivial, and yours is off the scale huge.

Leave.

TheSparrowhawk · 20/01/2017 07:01

He's a sex offender. As long as you're near him you're going to be his victim.

HermioneJeanGranger · 20/01/2017 07:03

You're married to a rapist.

GelfBride · 20/01/2017 07:04

I would give you the same advice as I did a year ago under a different name. This is as bad as it gets because of this. It's the covertness of it. The diminishment of you as a person. Short of raping you asleep (which he probably would if he could without waking you) this is about as bad as abuse can get. At least if he gave you a slap it's overt isn't it? I would say his next step would be to drug you so I would leave today based on that. He has a compulsion he cannot stop and you are no more important to him than a fly on a pigs arse. Words are cheap. Don't listen to what he says, listen to what he does.

Dippydiradoo · 20/01/2017 07:04

I have rtft and I'm wondering did his physical outburst come from his frustration at trying to control and submerge his sexual 'requirements'. I have been with my
Husband for 12 yrs, similar situation to you 1st sexual partner etc. We have grown together in regard to the physical side of our relationship. This doesn't seem to be the case here.

Your husband should be your safe place.
From reading your posts I feel that he has manipulated you into believing this is ok as the rest of your marriage is postcard perfect. The cracks are there just being papered over.
There is no point in telling you to leave as you don't seem ready to do that but you do have a responsibility to make sure your children are safe.
There has been some great advice on here especially in relation to having a get out plan. At least do that.

I get you want you don't want your marriage to be over and you love this man however you deserve so much more. Your home should be your sanctuary and I really hope that you come to realise this. I really hope 2017 is a better year and you get the courage and resources together to be able to protect yourself.Flowers

TheresAlwaysTimeForTea · 20/01/2017 07:12

I have just RTFT and I am horrified OP. Just leave him now. Seriously. Just go. It is frightening to see this escalation over and over again. There's really nothing else to add to that. I have to say your casualness at "thoughts" really makes me think you will never leave which is just so so sad. Please find the strength to go.

clumsyduck · 20/01/2017 07:21

When I saw this thread had an update I hoped it would be saying along the lines of "I left him and am now really happy etc etc etc " op you will still be on here this time next year with the same issue .

I'm sorry you are going through this but it's discusting what he is doing and he won't change

Butterfly2020 · 20/01/2017 07:23

He isn't going to change. Your husband makes me feel sick, he really does. What are you still sitting there for?

AnyFucker · 20/01/2017 07:29

I have the same "thoughts" as I did at the beginning of this thread

He isn't going to stop

VivDeering · 20/01/2017 07:36

You can't change him, but you can your own decisions. I'd have a think about why you posted this update and what you want to be telling us next year Flowers

JustSpeakSense · 20/01/2017 07:41

He is abusing you.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 20/01/2017 07:46

You know when you said he was definitely going to stop? And got sad that others didn't believe it?

Well, what do you think now?

Bluntness100 · 20/01/2017 07:50

I've only read your posts op, but Jesus Christ, what an absolute slime ball.

Why did you fake sleep the first time and let him do it several times and then only confront him after? Surely this signals you are more ok with it than you should be.

I just can't even imagine my husband doing that, it's disgusting, and its like you're a piece of meat, to do with as he pleases. It honestly makes my skin crawl.

He isn't going to change, he gets off on it. I couldn't live with someone who did that to me. I'm actually shocked anyone actually could.

regularbutpanickingabit · 20/01/2017 07:53

I think you may find this isn't his first relapse. There will be photos and videos taken again at the very least. I'm sorry, he isn't the man you thought he was and being each other's first partner does not in any way excuse his behaviour or make you responsible for him. He gets turned on this way. He believes being married gives him the right to use you for his sexual gratification and whatever cost. It won't lessen, the more secretive the urge, the more powerful 'forbidden fruit' will become.

Lovemusic33 · 20/01/2017 08:01

The fact he keeps doing just shows his lack of respect for you Sad, he may be a nice man apart from doing this but that is often the case, my partner took advantage of me several times, each time he pleaded with me, said he wouldn't do it again and then a week or so later it happened again, he was lovely to me the rest of the time or so i thought. Actually he was very controlling, very clever and a prolific liar, I just didn't want to see it Sad, I'm so glad I kicked him out.

schrutefarmbeets · 20/01/2017 08:07

I just RTFT - what a horrifying situation for you.

What would it take for you to leave him? It seems like you've given more than enough chances for him to get help and he hasn't taken them.

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