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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband photographing me while asleep

574 replies

Lollyz02 · 10/02/2016 09:41

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end :(

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 12/02/2016 12:00

Eaupea, as she has already decided to stay I'm hoping it will give her confidence if she later chooses to go. People had raised the question whether she was offering herself as bait in order to protect her children, so just by chance that was the case she now knows that isn't her only option.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 12/02/2016 12:25

dobby you've mentioned it twice. Bee. Bonnet.

I'm not sure why both of us saying it (me and eau) suddenly means the OP "has this info". We're not authorities on the subject Confused

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 12/02/2016 12:35

Lolly, have you had a think about anyone you could disclose to IRL? I know your main friendship group feels off limits because of you all being mutually friends, part of a group, but is there one person, in or out of the group, who you think you could confide in?

How quickly do you think you could get yourself to a solo counselling session? Or, as a first step towards that, could you telephone the AUS support line number given earlier in the thread?

Have you taken any steps towards getting your ducks in a row? I know you're feeling like staying for now but, you've said you'll leave the next time you catch him abusing you (and he will, this is a when, not if situation); if it happens tonight are you ready to go? Do you have your own access to money and transport?

A lot of questions, and you don't owe me any answers, I (we all) just care about you and hope that thinking about these questions spurs you into action, or at least helps you when that time comes.

As others have said, I hope you continue to post for support - it is not you we are critical of, even if our posts come across with anger - our anger, rage, hostility, is towards your husband for abusing you.

teddyroll · 12/02/2016 13:06

Even if he never does this again this is a man who finds pleasure in touching and filming unconscious women, against their will.

It says so much about his attitude towards you and women in general that he did this in the first place.

I don't think it's possible to have a trusting, mutually respectful loving relationship with this kind of person

PippaHotamus · 12/02/2016 13:56

You don't lay yourself out as bait to a person you trust. This is already dead in the water, going by that alone. Sad

StarDustMonkey · 12/02/2016 15:44

Can I just add please, please, please be careful of what could happen to your children. My father did this to my mother, and when I hit puberty, he proceeded to do the same to me. It's all about the power and control and abuse :(

IguanaTail · 12/02/2016 18:19

I think whether or not he can change is almost irrelevant. YOU have now changed because you can no longer sleep easy in bed. That constant nagging feeling that he's possibly about to assault you or video you means that any residual tracings of trust you may have had after Incident 1 have now gone.

No trust = no love, surely?

wonkylampshade · 12/02/2016 23:36

StarDustMonkey Thanks

queenshireen · 13/02/2016 00:51

A guy I know used to do this kind of thing with girls who fell asleep at parties. He was a very attractive, intelligent, popular guy.

For some bizarre reason, his victims were not that bothered about it (liked it even?) because he was considered a bit of a catch. He was excused because of his reputation essentially, because if he had been unattractive and unpopular he would have been lynched!

If he was caught in the act by the victim he would usually charm full sex... But he would never pursue a relationship with her.

It's predatory, controlling behaviour. I would not trust your DH as far as I could throw him and neither can you.

junebirthdaygirl · 13/02/2016 08:42

There was a court case in Ireland recently around this issue. Young woman only found out when they split up that her bf shad been abusing her in her sleep and had videos. Taken very seriously and brought all the way to court. Guy awaiting sentencing now. This is looked on as a serious crime.

Original poster
Lollyz02 · 11/05/2016 05:07

Update for anyone interested or with any useful comments..... I was able to speak to a close friend. This was very hard as she is married to one of my husbands close friends. Just talking to her about this helped. My husband was shocked that I told someone. I also got him to read everything on here. Since then he has been to speak with a councilor. He was told he has a sense of entitlement over me. He's horrified to have all this laid out in front of him. So all was going well. I put my wedding ring back on a week ago.
However Mother's Day made it turn pear shaped again. We got into an argument because he worked all day. I just wanted to do something, bike ride, play a board game with the kids etc. I was just wanting an hour or two of his time on Mother's Day. So the next day when the kids were at school he saw I was cranky and he started apologizing. We fought for ages and I threw a 1/4 full can of coke at the floor. He grabbed me and pushed me against the wall. He never hit me but I have bruises up my arm. He is apologetic but not overly. He is very busy at work so I haven't seen him much since then. Am I really back at square one??????

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/05/2016 05:32

I remember a friend of mine telling me once that "he never hit me". He ended up almost killing her. And he was sexually abusive as well.

Are you going to leave? Because that's the only option.

Original poster
Lollyz02 · 11/05/2016 05:47

Though I just read this on a different (but similar) post......

  • I think (as a former police officer who used to handle domestic assaults) pushing someone up against a wall and grabbing their arms sounds not like an assault - but an attempt to control someone who was getting out of control and being destructive. Different from striking someone.
OP posts:
Drycleanonly7 · 11/05/2016 05:48

What a scary, disressing situation to be in Lolly. Your kind, non violent man is now lashing out too as he has been exposed. One of the other posters mentioned that there might be other things he is secret about. One of my ex partners did this sleep sex thing to me once too. Why is it that we 'pretend' to be asleep? Fear? Embarrassment? Loss of power? You are braver than me. I didn't confront him. Ever. And he is now my ex. There was loads of things he kept to himself. It is only since finding a lovely man now that I realise the emotional abuse that I was putting up with from my ex. I hope his counselling works. Do you get to go to a session? This impacts on you both? Stay safe.

Original poster
Lollyz02 · 11/05/2016 05:48

By me throwing the can.... Was he just calming the situation?

OP posts:
MyLocal · 11/05/2016 05:52

No, he wasn't, you are back at square one.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/05/2016 06:02

Is he the former police officer or are you?

Original poster
Lollyz02 · 11/05/2016 06:05

Sorry I can see how that may be confusing. I found a similar situation another person had written. So that was from someone else responding.

OP posts:
LittleHouseOnTheShelf · 11/05/2016 06:07

My ex delightful, charming, a real gentleman and everybody said how lucky I was that he'd marry me. Behind closed doors was totally different and your dh sounds just like that, do what I did and issue an ultimaton - change or leave.
Good luck op.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/05/2016 06:07

OK. They are minimising, you are minimising. You need to talk to someone NOT couple's counselling. Someone who can talk to you about abuse. That would be Women's Aid in the UK, what is it where you are?

Original poster
Lollyz02 · 11/05/2016 06:24

We have a hotline.

OP posts:
Offred · 11/05/2016 08:53

Hmm... You are not back at square one exactly but you need to take this physical violence seriously.

Men who are both sexually and physically abusive are the most dangerous of all.

Offred · 11/05/2016 08:57

And think of it this way; MN is great but DV/A support is a specialist area. You will not get the right support from here if it is the only place you come to for support (unfortunately) because this is an open forum and you can't tell which posters are aware and informed and which posters are not. Being in an abusive relationship means you are likely to pick out the 'easy' response that supports minimising the issue and cling to that, which only serves to keep you a victim of abuse. If you call the hotline I think they will take this seriously and help you properlyz

chaseisonthecase · 11/05/2016 09:30

pushing someone up against a wall and grabbing their arms sounds not like an assault - but an attempt to control someone who was getting out of control and being destructive. Different from striking someone.

I'm not an expert in DV, but having suffered at the hands of my exH for 5 years I can categorically say this statement is not true.

Some men may do it for the reason stated. In the case of my H it was his way of being able to hide bruises/injuries as well as be able to say 'I never hit you', thus making me feel like I was making something out of nothing.

Gradually it progressed. He was slamming me into walls harder. Pushing me down the stairs. Picking me up by my throat and throwing me across the room. But still 'he never hit me'.

I'm sorry you are going through this, please be safe Flowers

wallybantersjunkbox · 11/05/2016 10:55

Even if I got angry with my partner, and threw a can of coke on the floor (because you didn't throw it at him, did you?) he would disengage and walk away.

It's up to me to control myself in that situation, because I am an adult. He doesn't need to touch me at all.

Until this information I actually thought you were taking rational steps and staying calm for the sake of getting to the root of the problem, whilst maintaining your day to say family life until you had enough information to make an informed decision on your relationship.

But that outburst is showing his true colours. You've exposed his sexual problem and he is cornered. You need to take care of yourself now and put yours and your children's needs first.

I hope you are ok op.

My partner and I are very sexually adventurous, but it's a mutual thing. We agree on the boundaries together, he respects me and my body. This is the opposite of that.