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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been stupid again

318 replies

messyoldmess · 27/12/2006 23:24

As some of you will know, my H & I decided to separate back in June, but he refused to leave the house, so we have been stuck in limbo for quite a while now.
A few weeks ago I went out with some friends & a bloke came up & chatted to me. He asked if I was single & I explained my situation to him. He told me he separated from his wife back in March & asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink some time.
I told him that I couldn't atm because of circumstances, but that I would consider it at some point & I went & gave him my mobile number, as he seemed a nice chap & I thought that one day I may take him up on his offer of a drink.
I know this was stupid, but he seemed to be a nice bloke & I thought it would be harmless (although NOT yet!)
Well, just before Christmas he went & text me wishing me a merry Christmas & giving me his text number. I didn't reply to that text, but today he text me again asking if I got his text & I replied & told him I had and that I may be happy to meet him for a drink in time, but not until things were sorted here.
He text back saying he looked forward to it, but knew it was difficult for me.

Anyway, I went for a bath & left my phone on the side. H then said to me "You don't want to leave your phone around because you never know what people may read."
I immediately knew what he had seen & went down to my phone to see it left on the message from this bloke.
I told him nothing had gone on, but that he was a nice chap who I would have a drink with when the time was right, but there has been no physical contact (which there hasn't) at all, just a conversation.
He has asked when this happened & if my sister knew about it.
I just feel sick with everything & know I was bad. It was just nice to meet a man who seemed nice & didn't just want to take me home & get his way with me.
I know I am bad & fully understand how wrong I am. I am just feeling a bit crap & needed to get it off my chest on MN.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 23:44

Not really. I don't like to put on people & the boys are hard work.

OP posts:
BURNINGTHECANDLE · 30/12/2006 23:46

Yeah its hard! I've only got 1 but when your head isn't straight it feels harder are they school age? Will you get a bit of space when H returns to work after New Year?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 23:52

They are 7 & 3. I work at the school that DS1 attends, so no break for me!

OP posts:
BURNINGTHECANDLE · 31/12/2006 00:20

Uhm tough ages as well! Messy I'm off to bed and tommorrow I'm back at mums overnight. So Happy New Year for tommorow night. Take it easy and I'll log on Jan 1 st to see how you are going. Just be cool you are strong and in the summer who knows, maybe you will be sat in a pub garden sipping a glass of wine bought for you by the nice chap, and suddenly you will realise that you are nearly there in the survival stakes?! All the best and just hold onto the good thoughts! xx

Original poster
messyoldmess · 31/12/2006 09:18

Thanks, BTC. Hope the new year is a positive one for you too.x

OP posts:
bigknickersbigknockers · 31/12/2006 09:37

just got your email MOM and am sad to see things havent really moved on.
There is no reason for you not to have given this man your mobile number... you are legally separated. Cant believe H still hasnt told his mother you are seperated... sounds like a bit of a coward to me and I dont believe for a second that its because he doesnt want to upset her.
Hopefully when everyone (solicitors,estate agents etc..) get back to work in the new year things should move on for you, and once you are living away from H you will feel better. Try not to worry... you WILL cope as a single mother

Original poster
messyoldmess · 31/12/2006 09:42

Hi BKBK.
Well things are kind of moving on, but they haven't yet moved, if that makes any sense!
I have had a v bad night sleep, so probably make no sense at all!

OP posts:
winnie · 31/12/2006 09:43

mom, I am sorry yesterday was another bad day. I hope things start to get better soon. I hope 2007 is a good one. Please remember and hold onto the fact that you have come a long way in 2006. That is good and positive {{{}}}

Original poster
messyoldmess · 31/12/2006 09:44

Thanks, winnie.
I feel like I'm starting to suddenly lose it a bit emotionally.

OP posts:
jabberwocky · 31/12/2006 09:53

MOM, I lurked on your threads under your old name and have wondered how things were going for you. I think you have done amazingly well under extraordinarily difficult circumstances. Your H is just playing mind games with you over this text. You did nothing wrong! Just try to ignore him and think about how much better things will be once this is finally settled. Anyone would be losing it a bit after dealing with everything that you have been through this year. Try to just take it a day, an hour or even just a moment at a time. Things will get better and this nightmare with your H will end.

winnie · 31/12/2006 09:55

MOM, I think that how you are feeling right now is hardly surprising. I loathethis point in the year (even in happy times). It's that expectation that everyone is having a good time, new beginnings, lots of looking at ones life, raised expectations etc, etc, Everything becomes almost exagerated including emotions. Holidays can be difficult enough with people you love don't be so hard on yourself because you are finding it overwhelming in your current circumstances xx

Original poster
messyoldmess · 31/12/2006 09:59

Thank you both. I'm trying to get a grip of myself!
Freckle - have mailed you half an e mail, as he is up & about now. Part 2 will follow when he is not around!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 31/12/2006 10:45

Have now managed to send you the rest of the e mail, Freckle!

OP posts:
lovelybird · 31/12/2006 11:02

MOM, I hope you're feeling stronger today. Your soon to be ex H is a total arse and is just trying to scare you and manipulate you while he still can. If you had gone out with several men it would be none of his business as you are seperated. Tell him to piss off, lock your phone or delete all messages.
You have been through so much and have come so far and you've done brilliantly up to now, you're allowed the odd blip. Here's hoping 2007 finds you and your boys settled on your own in a happy and relaxed home.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 31/12/2006 11:09

Thanks.
I have deleted all messages on my phone, even though I have nothing to hide!
Everytime he hears my phone go off, he says "Is that xx?"
I haven't done anything, I'm not seeing anyone & I am fed up with him snooping!
I don't feel I have to try & explain myself to him though.

OP posts:
Freckle · 31/12/2006 11:10

Have replied, but rather briefly as some sort of war has broken out downstairs!

Freckle · 31/12/2006 11:10

When is asks "Is that xx?" you should reply "I jolly well hope so."

bigknickersbigknockers · 31/12/2006 11:14

If he asks if thats xx when your phone beeps just calmly say I dont know then if he asks again when you have read the message tell him its none of his buisness

bigknickersbigknockers · 31/12/2006 11:15

actually I take that back... follow freckles advice

bigknickersbigknockers · 31/12/2006 11:23

Your H (soon to be ex H) really winds me up

Original poster
messyoldmess · 31/12/2006 11:30

Thing is, much as it was silly of me to exchange numbers with this bloke, I really haven't done much else & don't intend to! He was a nice enough bloke, who has recently been through a seraration himself, who I spoke to for around 5 minutes!
He hasn't been letchy with me (unlike H's friends are, but we won't go there!) & has sent me a couple of friendly texts.
I do have his number in my contacts, just incase I ever do meet up with him, but I'm not ready or in a position to do that atm.
His number did just had his initial next to it, but H has now seen this & making reference to it, so I have taken the initial away & put the words "MY PHONE" next to the number!

OP posts:
Freckle · 31/12/2006 11:34

I do wish you'd stop referring to the exchange of numbers as "silly". It wasn't. It is your H's reaction which is making you feel it wasn't wise. That doesn't make you or what you do silly. It just shows him to be as much of a control freak as he has ever been, but one who is clearly realising that he is losing that control - and he doesn't like it.

NurseyJo · 31/12/2006 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
messyoldmess · 31/12/2006 12:12

Thanks, NurseryJo. I am trying to think positive, but everything seems to be suddenly overloading me a bit. It's been going on for so long now & I feel like everything around me is crumbling.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 31/12/2006 12:19

It might have been unwise to give out your home phone number or address to a stranger, or even an email if it gives too much away about you. Can't think of any risk you could have incurred by giving a mobile number though. You can't be traced or stalked through it, surely? (Others please correct me if this is wrong.) If you got a lot of unwanted messages it's easy enough to change the number.

Your soon-to-be-XH has discovered a way to get through to you and is riding it for all it's worth, like kids in the playground tease about your haircut or braces if they realise you're sensitive about it. My STBXH did that to me over a bloke I played online games with, but have never even met in real life; it gave me the final push to decide to leave him, though like you we're still stuck under the same roof for practical reasons (there are children in our case too). And he too keeps on about my sister, it's spooky, they could be twins!

My sister took me off on a holiday she could barely afford when I got close to a nervous breakdown, and coached me in the use of two wonderful words: "Irrelevant" and "Whatever", spoken in dismissive tones. I can strongly recommend you learn them too. He is making you torture yourself with guilt for having thought about maybe having a drink with someone who you haven't actually agreed to meet. What kind of mediaeval religion were you brought up in that makes you the guilty party? Maybe you did have naughty thoughts about the bloke, maybe you sort of hoped something would come of it, that's why you are convinced you are a bad person; but you can't help what you feel, only what you do, and you have been very cautious. As others have said, you're probably wise at this point to be careful about meeting people, mainly because you're emotionally vulnerable at this stage and don't need more confusing feelings. But for heaven's sake don't let your beastly H make you guilt trip over it.