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Original poster

If and how I should tell my brother...

177 replies

LHReturns · 08/02/2016 21:30

Here are the headlines:

My brother and I were always incredibly close. In our 20s he was married to a lovely girl and the three of us spent lots of time together (or four is us when I had a boyfriend).

About 5 years ago my brother and his wife split up which was very sad for everyone as she was very much part of our family. Fairly soon after he met a new girl - who was very young, vacuous, girly and silly. But she clearly gave my brother lots of things he hadn't had before - namely a great sex life and the chance to be frivolous and young again. So far absolutely fine.

He became totally infatuated with her so, after about a year of dating, when she announced she wanted to move to the USA, he quit his job, and went with her (he bought a business out there so they could both get work Visas etc). He paid all their expenses to move there, and has worked his butt off to try to build his business and keep them afloat. She doesn't make any money as she is a struggling entertainer, so things are tough for them. I have tried to help e.g I have loaned him money and paid for his travel home on a few occasions.

Back when announced the planned move to the US I made it very clear that I felt he was making a rash decision and that he didn't know her that well, she is very young etc etc. At the time she was 22 and he was 32. I probably was quite direct about my feelings (partly because she is a completely ridiculous Instagram-Reality-TV-obsessed bimbo, partly because he had a brilliant career here, but mainly because I was distraught that my brother was leaving the UK). He didn't like this feedback and understandably accused me of hating his new GF, and wanting to ruin his fun, and that I showed no respect for his decisions. Basically told me to FXXK OFF.

I accepted all that, we have grown to be close again now, and I have worked hard since he has lived out there to support him in any way possible. I have been to visit them three times, and paid for him and his GF to fly home to see us all over Christmas. I always include her in any plans.

As a couple they seem fairly happy. But my brother always has a slight defensiveness with me about her since the early falling out.

Over Christmas, by pure chance, I met someone that also knew her - and heard that categorically she is having an affair. She spoke openly about it to someone that she doesn't know that I know. It has been going on about 4 months back where she and my brother live in the US.

This is getting boring so I will stop. I have sat on this knowledge since Christmas as I don't know how to tell my brother without seriously damaging our relationship again. They have just moved into a new apartment with a year long contract,and he and I are very close again, and he (with her) is coming to my wedding later this year - again, at my cost.

I know she is cheating on him. Maybe he suspects, maybe he doesn't - I have no clue. Their relationship is much bumpier than it was when they first met. But I fear that if I tell him it is likely he will accuse me of always hating her, and we will back to where we were a few years back.

I guess I must tell him (and fast as 5 weeks have already passed since I found out). But HOW do I tell him in a way that makes him feel the least judged?

Any constructive ideas seriously welcome!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 15/02/2016 01:23

The facts 'as she knows them' are not necessarily actual facts. It would be a mistake in my opinion to tell him anything she is not certain about. It would cause an immense rift if the partner is able to convince him his family are all lying to him, have an agenda, and hate her. Even with the caveat that 'this is what I heard from someone who has no reason to lie and didn't know we were related', the ensuing rift might be permanent and might endure even if he later found out the truth himself, because he is likely to tell everyone what to do with themselves if they approach with this hearsay, and it will be hard to claw his way back from that.

He has already painted himself into a corner with the family the OP made her feelings clear when he first moved to the US and he knows this. He is going to be open to all sorts of manipulation by his cheating partner if the OP or her mother approach him with what is essentially gossip. The OP needs to spend some money on a PI, get photos, present him with facts.

Original poster
LHReturns · 15/02/2016 05:43

I am afraid that mathanxiety could be on the money here. My DB has form for painting himself into a corner from which pride stops him from digging himself free. Even if he later knows he was wrong.

OP posts:
Fannycraddock79 · 15/02/2016 07:34

Could you approach it from a slightly different angle, eg "look, someone I know has said xyz about your partner, I didn't think it was true but you might want to address it with your/her friend as it seems they are spreading gossip about your relationship". This shows you don't believe the rumours and that you care about him (and her-even though you don't care about her!) but puts them in his mind and if he has any doubts he can check on his own.

Yseulte · 15/02/2016 10:52

I think mathanxiety is completely loopy - there is no way in earth you should hire a PI, that would be totally inappropriate, boundary crossing, and invasive. So, so wrong I cannot underline enough how wrong it would be.

You do not have to know the 'facts', all you have to do is give DB the info as it was given to you. Then it is up to him how he deals with it. He can ignore the question, check up on her, talk to friends, hire PIs - it's for him to decide.

CityMole · 15/02/2016 11:11

I agree that the brother could choose to disbelieve and create a massive stink, and that given his ‘painting into a corner’ tendencies, this is high risk. This is why I said she needs to try, as best as possible, to create the golden bridge that he can retreat across without losing face- she knows him best and will know how best to do this, but it may be as simple as giving him the info, saying ‘obviously this is a horrible thing to hear, if you would prefer never to speak of it again, then I will respect that’ and leaving it to fester….

However, one thing the OP cannot control is how he reacts. I think if he chooses to behave like a massive toddler, then that is going to be unavoidable, whatever the OP does. He will similarly behave like a massive baby I should imagine, when it all comes tumbling out down the line that the OP had clear and reasonably demonstrable information (via this trusted mutual friend) regarding his partner’s possible infidelity and didn’t speak up promptly.

I think if you hire a PI you are going down a road that is absolutely batshit mental.

SoThatHappened · 15/02/2016 11:20

I am afraid that mathanxiety could be on the money here. My DB has form for painting himself into a corner from which pride stops him from digging himself free. Even if he later knows he was wrong.

Leave him to it then. He is a grown adult, he would probably be in denial when you tell him and then be even more angry when he finds out it really is true.

If you actually hire a PI to look into your brothers life, I would say you need professional help.

blindsider · 15/02/2016 11:34

I think it can be best summed up by the question, would you like your shit sandwich with white or brown bread.??

There is no right or wrong answer here just a hideous position to be in.

blindsider · 15/02/2016 11:40

You could ring him up and ask him if his GF was having an affair would he like to know?

If he says yes tell him and if he says no, ask him what he is up to at the weekend... Wink

SoThatHappened · 15/02/2016 11:43

Why not contact HER. Tell her the name of the friend who told you and tell her, if you dont tell my brother, I will.

But you better be bloody sure your source is accurate.

Nobody likes the gf, everyone thinks the brother has made a mistake and lo and behold she's having an affair....it just sounds so convenient.

Stumbletrip40 · 15/02/2016 11:52

I'm a bit worried that the GF is setting you up, tbh. Has no-one else thought that your DH's GF might have deliberately fed a bunch of rubbish to a mutual friend precisely to try and undermine you? It sounds too convenient to me too. I agree it's a shit sandwich either way.

Twinklestein · 15/02/2016 13:24

So gf set herself up as having an affair by telling someone she doesn't know that OP knows? Hmm

OP you gotta tell your bro yourself. Don't contact the gf, he will be rightfully angry if you stick your nose in that way.

SoThatHappened · 15/02/2016 13:35

So gf set herself up as having an affair by telling someone she doesn't know that OP knows?

That is very far fetched I'd admit. The OP regularly pays for her too to come and visit. So unlikely she would suspect she is hated.

I would not tell him your GF is having an affair, I would say so and so told me this. perhaps you want to look into it.

Because the OP deosnt know....she has been told. She should tell him what she has been told.

IguanaTail · 15/02/2016 13:42

This is a really really delicate situation and while I think he does need to be told, I definitely don't think it should be from you.

He's in another continent, there has already been a big fall out over her, his judgment is obviously quite poor when it comes to her and he will feel humiliated and angry and it could well be the cause of another huge fall out.

I would ask the friend to email him on an anonymous email. All she needs to do is sow the seed of doubt. If he wants to do anything with it he can, and if not he can leave it. Either way your hands are clean and your relationship is intact. You can be the supportive sister (if you ever find out from him) without having had to impart the terrible news. Too much is at stake for your own relationship with him for you to be the one dropping the bomb. If you had got on well with her or not so much with him, it would be different.

Twinklestein · 15/02/2016 13:51

You can't ask someone else to involve themselves in something like this, they may not be comfortable with that at all. They may not even know him very well.

Ideally it would be great if he heard from someone else, but that doesn't alter the OP's responsibility to her bro. If another person tells him and he finds out she knew, he may not forgive that. He might twig that OP got friend to do her dirty work and he might be cross about that too.

IguanaTail · 15/02/2016 13:56

I just don't think passing on a rumour should trump the very possible total breakdown of her relationship with a brother who she adores.

Stumbletrip40 · 15/02/2016 14:01

I can see it's far-fetched, I mentioned it because the Op believes the GF doesn't know that Op knows the mutual friend. I'm just saying, it's possible this is a setup by the GF if the GF does know they have a mutual friend. The sort of person that blabs about their affair to a 'friend' that blabs about that to another friend is surely capable of some deviousness.

IguanaTail · 15/02/2016 14:07

I don't think the GF would do this. Too much of a risk with OP's DB doting on her.

Stumbletrip40 · 15/02/2016 14:10

otoh if the GF has fed an easily disprovable (by her) pack of lies to the mutual friend, then she gets to permanently discredit her SIL and out the SIL as a hater. I've possibly watched too many made for TV crime dramas so free disposal of course. Good luck with your dilemma Op.

GarlicBake · 15/02/2016 14:16

Has no-one else thought that your DH's GF might have deliberately fed a bunch of rubbish to a mutual friend

The mutual friend didn't know they were mutual.

GarlicBake · 15/02/2016 14:17

it's possible this is a setup by the GF if the GF does know they have a mutual friend

I thought the girlfriend was a little challenged intellectually Grin This would require a grandmaster of chess!

Twinklestein · 15/02/2016 14:19

There's nothing more likely to cause a total breakdown of the relationship than knowing gf may be cheating and not telling db. If he finds out it will be very difficult to come back from.

If my sister did that I'd find it very difficult to forgive her.

HandsoffGary · 15/02/2016 14:26

I like the idea of saying to your Bro and his girlfriend that you didn't realise that you had a mutual friend, that you recently bumped into her and for some reason she thought that you had broken up. Casually drop in that you will be seeing the Mutual friend again very soon and will put them straight.

rainbowstardrops · 15/02/2016 14:46

You definitely need to tell your DB. I think you have a good idea of how you will approach it.
Good luck op

blindsider · 15/02/2016 15:12

set up a fake email account and next time you anywhere a decent distance away from where you live or on a trip abroad he doesn't know about ping him an 'anonymous' email.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2016 18:38

I agree the PI idea would be very much the nuclear option. I also agree it is the kindest thing in the long run to tell the person being cheated on. But I think the OP needs to resign herself to the potential that she will lose a brother or have a very changed relationship with him once the pudding lands in his lap. You can't control anyone's reaction to news of that sort no matter how careful you are.

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